Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Bit of a shock today - ExH told me that he's been seeing someone for 2 months! So basically, despite me feeling AWFUL about leaving him and him telling me he would rather he had cancer , it took him 4 months to find another partner!

I am pleased for him of course and feeling a LOT less guilty but WTAF!

They are exhausting, bighouse! Bet you don't envy his new partner...

My exOH texted again today after I said it was too soon for us to be friends, saying "too soon? it's been ages! I miss you". It's been just under a month. That is not ages. Miss me he may, but I don't miss him and I am so happy on my own. He then offered me half-price tickets to some events via his work but I am certainly not taking him up on that, one because I don't want to be beholden to him for anything and two because I don't want him to suddenly appear at things I'm going to.

The baffling thing is that not once has he made any sort of apology or begged me to take him back. It's just been passive-aggressive text messages (much like the ones he and his ex-wife used to exchange). Why on earth would I get back together with a man who doesn't value me at all? I wish he would hurry up and find someone else, I don't think I'm going to be rid of this one for a while otherwise.

Fucking Mumsnet ate my post! Grr.

Pussy have established contact with our mutual friend!

big it is still a shock how quick men are to move on even when you chose to end things and want to get him off your case. Mine was "in love" within four months. Still going strong over a year later. Lucky woman!!

if it wasn't for the sake of the other woman I would looooovvvvveeee NSDH to find someone else!

bighouse that was indeed quick! But you say you feel ok about it? Agree with Kernow, I hope his new GF knows what he's like!

Kernow I think you're wise not to take him up on his offer! Better to keep your distance I think.

My NSDH has only been home about half an hour and we've already had a 'moment'. I bought DD some trousers at a charity shop today as she really needs some, so as he got home I put them and some of her other washing in the machine and set it off. Turned around to find him standing there holding some of his own washing. I saw him throw one arm in the air (the one not holding the washing lol), toss his head and roll his eyes dramatically.
Him: "Have you just put some washing on?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "oh, I was about to put some on. I don't have any underwear."
Me: "Ok."
Him (dramatic sounding): "It's ok, I can put it on later."
Me (calmly): "Yes you can."
Him (snappy, like I was having a go): "All RIGHT."
Then he goes into the kitchen and shuts the door loudly and starts dinner.

Honestly, how am I supposed to respond to him? Am I just being passive aggressive? I could use some wise words. I honestly don't know what to say and practically every conversation we have he's trying to be 'reasonable' with me and I'm sure I just sound like a miserable cowbag.

And sorry I seem to be taking up so much of this topic. Really hope I'm not hogging, tell me if I am!

does it matter if you are sounding like that? after all, you cannot be right...your response will ALWAYS be wrong for him...so it might as well be as reasonable and stress-free for you as possible??

I suppose so. I really wanted to say "Well I can't stop the machine NOW can I?" but that would have only started a row although it'd be true. I feel stressed no matter what I say.

PS STOP apologising

...it's what the thread is here for...!!!!

You are (in those famous and overused words) worth it......and that is Official (looks around for Bibi's ticket stamper....)

Overthinking...you shouldn't have to you know, after all, there are several hours left of today, the washing machinme is unlikely to go on strike and the clothes can be washed and hung/dried in time....HE is being unreasonable. Any normal person would (in my case any way) leave the dirty clothes in an annoying pile next to the machine and pop them in when it was empty (or forget and do it tomorrow) ...that is normal....he is NOT!

Lol Fool I was about to apologise but think that would make you mad!

...am mad already

oh you meant the OTHER mad....well yes.

Oh he will Fool he will!

Tickets to the far side of fuck for all the butt munchers still torturing members of this thread!

Loud singing commenced in Bibi's house tonight while dinner was being cooked - only just getting up to a bit of 'belting em out' to my I-pod now.

Afraid to make noise in my own house - crazy isn't it but it's taken this long to feel free enough to do it.

Music and reading - essentials on a par with breathing, eating and sleeping for me, always were.

And I let (twatty) men take it from me for decades

Nini - have been following your battles and think you did so well with the washing machine incident tonight.

The more we detach and respond to the toddler tantrums in calm, unemotional ways the more these guys reveal themselves to be the controlling unreasonable man toddlers they really are.

Which makes it easier to see the game for what it is.

Strength and love to all x

Right so my tale of woe. First off im gonna straight up confess that i left him for someone else. This carries its own on going guilt for me and i pretty much self loathe most of the time. Married almost 8 years together 11. Met online pretty intense. Lived with him treated like a treasure happy to do all for me. I was 20 he was my first bf. Happiness for some time although my scedule flipped to meet his but this is something i see when looking back. We get engaged 6 months later we marry. Get our own home. He works from home barely sleeps works alot quiet isolated but content still feeling happy. 3 years married. Baby one im stuggling hes working all hrs not because he has to but cause he wants to its his passion. He goes to sleep as i wake up my mum comes alot we are so close but he disl

Sorry iphone hit post dislikes her she interferes i cry alot ask him to be awake more im feeling down my mum doesnt visit so much. Time moves on he accuses me of being lazy hes ocd about things. I try but nothing is good enough. I vent online to friends. He reads my private chat and then makes comments on it. I aplogise his silence i cannot bear. Its the pattern to come. I get into the swing of baby we have another little one. He offers not alot of help the second wasnt planned. Hes working a normal job now plus a night time job. He crashes the car i beg him to stop we have money i just want him the support he can hear the baby cry at night but i feed him because hes working im so tired i got 2 under 2 my family and friends stay away they hate the atmosphere. I admit i cry alot im shattered and lonely he quits the night job its my fault i made him feel guilty for that. The house is kid messy but im always feeling the pressure for it to be his standard he is so terribly neat. His day job is starting to expand he gives it his all sleeps to late grumpy if the kids wake him. Got to keep them quiet i feel stressed all the time and tired. My friends stop coming they dont feel welcome he admits he doesnt like them. I make defenses for him. We rarely do anything together hes working at weekends all the time never in bed sleeping for an bour here there another car crash im going to bits im begging him to sleep i dont understand im told im to needy. This Pattern continues it year 6 of marriage i spend my days alone me and the kids and him when he feels like his day at work dictates how our day is good day happy dh bad day grumpy and im the one whose sorry. Fast forward christmas 09 he asks me to check something on his phone hes forgot to log out of email i see disgusting emails 2years worth i ask him are they yours im told yes but its your fault your lazy the house is a mess and u broke the cgair cause u sat so much watching tv i accept this for a year i m good noone is allowed to criticise him his endless work his putdowns and moods i tell noone what i saw those emails it was my fault and i need to be better. The year goes i do almost all housework kids we rarely see the same bed cause hes working again day time office night time at home he doesnt get paid for this but dont rock the boat he gets annoyed if i moan and the moods jyst say nothing. My mum keeps the boys at ours when we both working he hates her tidying i have to tidy after her i start to panic house needs to be perfect. I have no confidence im ugly overweight we have sex quite alot but its not as loving and only when he wants. He stops txting his work is the focus now we barely spend any time kuds adore him but barely see him i say nothing afterall im supposed to support him irs what normal peeple do. I get a promotion i lose weight i talk to new people he never asks how it goes i always ask. I still do everything for me and the boys its almost just the three of us now. I join a chatroom i crave company my downfall i talk to strangers better than him if i try im told im needy and reminded of being crap with the boys when they were little its been along time since then but he never lets it go. Its a year since the emails my confidence is high but my self esteem is gone. Im thinking alot of how i spent so much time worrying about him working so much and he was sending such filth i start to resent him theres an atmosphere but i still cant argue with him. Im still afraid of the silence. New years eve he doesnt want to go out then does he makes it clear hes not enjoying my friends company i ignore him im tired of pretending he leaves he doesnt speak to me it was all my fault my friends are crap and i looked like i didnt need him i lie and say i do i know im lying but i dont know what to do. I say sorry i cant take the silent treatment he forgives me im still resentful. Work again sometimes doesnt come home to 3 or 4 in the morn im afain unsupportive the 4 year old should grow up im told of course its totally normal this life. He paints the room the 2 year old draws on the wall i almost have a breakdown he will go mad i find the paint and re do this is normal phew crisis averted. I meet a guy in chatroom i talk to him its nice im drawn i cant stop myself the floodgates open im having a emotional affair my husband knows he senses i dont care i have the courage to admit it hes already known hes been reading the private chats on his laptop he can do this i didnt know. I want to separate he is now 1 year later sorry for whats hes done sith the emails but its still my fault somehow i was depressed i was am a crap mum putdown putdown putdown nothing to make me stay. 2 months later he wont leave now he can come home now he can share the married bed i resent him he keeps high lighting my faults hes not to blame i should be glad he was never there for us afterall he was supporting us. He hates my family friends he will leave he wont leave im a bitch stay anothsr year the kids inly love you cause they have to i believe it kind of my confidence is gone. He wont go i cant stand it no more i find a place now after 3 months of telling me all the reasons im shit he begs to stay i feel nothing i pack my bags and leave......

Its over a year now i still so scared around him he makes me nervous afraid hes condesending im rubbish with the kids they arent really happy with me i caused this mess i ve f ucked up there lives if i try to speak up im cheeky and rude and ohh a rubbush mum hes nit to blame not at all i left him for another i am a b itch.

Umbrella that is horrendous. You didn't cause this mess, that's entirely his doing. What a total shit he is. Well done for escaping. It sounds to me like you need some counselling and advice on how to move forward with your kids.

Are you still with the bloke you met in the chatroom?

Sorry for the mistakes i typed it on my phone in middle of the night. Yes still together but not living together or involved with my children i needed time to heal. I thought it all was me im hurting badly at the moment.

Yes you definitely do! And no it really isn't all you, it's him. Have you spoken to your family about this since you left?

Hi Umbrella, wow what a lot you've been through, but well done for escaping. Your self esteem will slowly come back, but is there any access to help for you, talking to people who care? The putdown scenario and "crap mum" accusations sound very familiar to me, I sympathise. You know it's a load of cobblers intellectually, but it seeps in, doesn't it. I think someone described these men as "men toddlers" up post and that is so spot on. But with real toddlers, they are lovely and cuddly and small and if they have a tantrum you can deal with it without fear. These big overgrown men toddlers have no excuse but because we're loving and understanding as a gender (making us good parents), they latch on to us very successfully.

You are all so right ? looking after yourself in whatever way feels amazing.
He?s laid up with his injury, and I?m too compassionate to leave him to his own devices (the fact that there?s only me speaks volumes). So I?ve basically been acting as community care. Took him a microwave dinner round, zapped it, washed up. Helped him shower, but then got shouted at horribly when I was trying to help (?I?ve got a temper, deal with it? says he). In a way, the more he shouts, the more awful he is, the easier it becomes to cut off. Left him watching football. I told him I wasn?t coming around this morning. Left him cereal, bowl and spoon.

I decided to have a lie in this morning. I would normally get up, go to his, see him, go to work. Instead, I lie in, drink lots of tea and watch MTV. As I?m on my way to work, I?m asked to call him. I do so, he asks where I am. I tell him on my way to work, he cutely remarks on my lateness, I say ?well I?ve been tired?. He says ?maybe that?s why you?ve been grumpy?. ?That and other reasons?. He asks if I?m going to his to bring food, I say no, and that he?ll have to have the cereal I?ve left. This food delivery isn?t unusual ? he?d be asking that if he wasn?t injured. It feels wonderful not to have been looking after anyone else except me. I love looking after people...it?s just my nature. But getting shouted at like I do, not for me.

I?m in the new dress I bought. I feel oddly excited today. I don?t know why. But I?ve got butterflies.

I had counselling yesterday, and it did me the world of good. She?s a bit worried he?s going to up the ante now I?m resisting his emotional abuse. Apparently I?m vulnerable.

As I type this, ?Respect? has come on the radio.

I?m reading all your posts and what?s going off with you.

Nini, hope you?re having a good day sleeping.

Bighouse, I have a sense of dread for this new partner...I wish there were some kind of register for these twats

Umbrella, spare yourself guilt of leaving him for someone else. Sometimes you need a transition/knight in shining armour to give you the strength. Ideally, you wouldn?t involve anyone else and do that kind of thing, but needs must. It doesn?t have to be forever, just enough to get you through.

When we get to the next thread... perhaps we can add a note in to the OP that says

DON'T BLOODY APOLOGISE FOR POSTING!

Anastasia: he WILL up the ante, but remember my words, if you can think of nothing else think the following:

Hissy TOLD me this would happen. She said they ALL do this, but that I must be strong, and carry on detaching and leaving this man behind. The way ahead with him is a DEAD END...

So.... if you have a repeat of today... THIS is what you need to try to do:

I decided to have a lie in this morning. I would normally get up, go to his, see him, go to work. Instead, I lie in, drink lots of tea and watch MTV. As I?m on my way to work, I?m asked to call him. DON'T CALL HIM

He asks where I am. NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

I tell him on my way to work, he cutely remarks on my lateness, NONE OF HIS BUSINESS

I say ?well I?ve been tired?. He says ?maybe that?s why you?ve been grumpy?. Oh just FF the FF off!

He asks if I?m going to his to bring food, I say no, and that he?ll have to have the cereal I?ve left. NOT YOUR PROBLEM

DETACH DETACH DETACH - This will never get any better, ever. Today (as shitty as it is) is the best it will ever be. because he really doesn't like you, he has no respect for you, and doesn't care about your feelings or you as a person.

This is what you say to him: There is never a good time to tell you this, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. It's not working and I'm not happy. I've made up my mind. It's over.