Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

ooh the is broken!

Nini - I'm here! Resident just-deciphered-I'm-in-an-abusive-relationship-but-too-pussy-to-do-anything-but-complain poster

Also here. I'm always ranting and name changing. Then I pretend it's not happening.

I'm taking comfort that at least I know I'm being abused. Which is progress as far as I'm concerned. I have faith I will make it. Just a matter of when.

I had a very vivid dream last night about a baby girl - a daughter, she had a name and I can picture her. I have no DC, but I want a family so much. I want to meet this little girl and I want her to have a lovely daddy. I'm hoping that it will spur me on to get out of this shit.

Hi all,
Blast from the past, but these are thoughts that have been lurking in the depths of what is left of my brain for a while.
It is my annotated version of 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'
Lyrics are what is said.
Brackets are what should be the reply
Capitals are for all of us to learn
Hope it survives the transfer through the ether, but here it is:

www.youtube.co/watch?v=7NCZ4l8FCFc

Tie a Yellow Ribbon was written by Irwin Levine and L Russell Brown and was at number 1 for 4 weeks in 1973

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
(I?ve really changed this time)
YEH, RIGHT
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine (?cause I am the entitled one, here)
OK, SO FUCK OFF, THEN
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free (is't that just wonderful!)
SO, LETTER ALL ABOUT YOU, THEN?
Then you'll know just what to do
(which just happens to be what I want)
ALREADY KNOW THAT ? FUCK THE FUCK OFF
If you still want me
(which, of course, you do)
If you still want me
(I mean, what's not to want?)

Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree
(There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that you will)
YEH, LIKE FUCK, I WILL
It's been three long years
(all of which are your fault, entirely)
AND EVERY MINUTE HAS BEEN SAVOURED
Do ya still want me? (still want me) (rhetorical question, of course)
DO I REALLY HAVE TO ANSWER THAT AGAIN?
If I don't see a ribbon 'round the ole oak tree (which, of course, I will because I am me!)
SNOWBALL?S CHANCE IN HELL OF THAT HAPPENING
I'll stay on the bus
(see, you know you'll be sorry)
WELL, THANK THE FUCK FOR THAT
Forget about us
(Now, you wouldn't want that, would you?)
IF ONLY I COULD :(
Put the blame on me
(Although nothing is my my fault for anything; how could it be when you are to blame for everything)
TOO USED TO BLAMING MYSELF, BUT, IF YOU INSIST, I WILL TRY
If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree
(which, I am sure, I will)
NO CHANCE, BABY
Bus driver, please look for me
(to confirm that the world revolves round ME)
FFS, SOMEONE PUT HIM STRAIGHT!
'cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see (I am such a sensitive petal)
I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY YOUR VAGUE THREATS ANY MORE!
I'm really still in prison
(you have behaved so badly towards me)
WISH THE FUCK YOU WERE
And my love, she holds the key
(I have been a victim of your bad behaviour, but I am sure that you have seen the light and have decided to change)
DOOR?S ALWAYS BEEN OPEN, BUT YOU WOULDN?T LEAVE, AND I COULDN?T
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
(to put me back in my rightful place of entitlement)
CONFIRM THAT I AM FUCKED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I wrote and told her please
(or else ...)
YUP, ANOTHER INTIMATION THAT I CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT TRY TO MAKE A LIFE FOR MYSELF
Now the whole damned bus is cheerin'
(?cause I have convinced them all that I am such a great guy and she has so misrepresented me!)
STORY OF MY LIFE THAT ONE ? KIND OF KNEW THEY WOULD 
And I can't believe I see
(although I knew I would)
HANG ON ...
A hundred yellow ribbons 'round the ole oak tree
(The least you could do after the way you have treated me!)
ONLY ... I AM WELL GONE ... EAT YOUR HEART OUT FUCKER - AND YOU CAN EAT THE STUPID YELLOW RIBBONS WHILE YOU ARE AT IT
I'm comin' home, mmm, mmm
(everything will go back to how I dictate)
BUT WITHOUT ME

Hey there everyone, hope the week goeth well for all (as well as can be expected). Hang in there Nini, it's amazing that you're going through all this and still managing to look after your family and study. Speaks volumes of your determination and grit, all of which will serve you well if you should decide enough is enough.

It's been three weeks today since I left my abusive NSDH. I am still struggling. Some days (today, for example), I feel ok. Other days (most of the rest of this week), I have felt so awful that I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the day, I felt my head was under the water and I couldn't breath and I'd never reach the surface again.

I realised at the weekend that I'd forgotten that it was the anniversary of the death of NSDH's dad - I'd remembered a few days before it, then it went out of my head. I felt so bad, really out of proportion bad. I couldn't stop beating myself up about it, for not supporting my NSDH. In the end I went and got him a card and some chocolate to say sorry. I know, it's pathetic, but I think part of my reasoning for doing that was I wanted to say sorry properly, for all the times he never has. He said nice things about getting the card, I felt even worse. Today I feel better because I saw him last night and he was a prize arse. Funny how it works that way.

I am looking for somewhere for me and my boys to rent (because NSDH wont move out of the family home, says he's entitled to stay, speaks volumes...). We are having a 'trial separation' (increasingly ) while he gets counselling, to see if he can change. We are doing small things towards this - meeting up for a drink once a fortnight, but I have also asked him for space and time. However, he's thrown one thing after another at me, in the short time we've been apart. Pressurising me over different things. He's now asking that I go and clear out all my stuff from the house, so he can 'get settled'. He's also talking about selling our house, even though we are trying to stay together, because I wont give him assurances that I'll definitely go back, and he says he can't just sit in limbo for six months. I can see he's desperately trying to control the situation, however he can. I have asked him not to talk about selling the house for now, because I can't deal with all that stress as well, he refuses to stop. If he'd just keep being an arse, this would be an awful lot simpler. But I'm afraid that all it takes to send me under again is one nice email from him telling me how I am a wonderful person, how sorry he is, how we have such a wonderful family and life together...

Is it time yet? Surely it must be.

I really am sorry for how long my posts end up being! I must try and post more often, rather than saving it all up. Maybe that would help my struggling head too, to make more contact with you lovely people who are going through your own struggles yet still have enough in your heart to support others.

Tie a Yellow Ribbon!

I woke up in Egypt one day with that on a LOOP in my head. I'd been there 3 years, and was on the count down to coming back to the UK.

I thought it really funny. The Ex, less so.

pony make the trial separation more distant...at least for a fewmonthswhile. he won't do the work whilst he still thinks he's got you on a string and you won't escape from continually thinking about him and how to please him (see above).

next time eat the chocs yourself. Not because you don't care but because you do and he will never ever "get" that unless he really works at changing.

why oh why can I never get the strike through to work?

Cos you is fick have to put the double - on either side of the word. word

NB: Joke !

few months is made like this > few months (remove the spaces)

but I diiiiiid (wails in anguish).

How do you strike thru' a sentence??

ahh....you anticipated, going to try it out now stand back everyone!

I don't have a clue do I?

who says MN is a waste of time...look at what you can learn.

Hurrah!

No danger of a name change anytime soon then?

hahahahahaha

If in doubt lovely, press PREVIEW to test to see if it works.

NSDH is insisting on an off piste Skype in a few mins as he is not available on Saturday for the usual time. he told me when and where this would be happening last Saturday and got me to agree and confirm by email.

Since this lunchtime he has texted 2x, emailed 4x and has just phoned to confirm....!

(yes i had ignored texts and emails...thinking I had already agreed and I have NEVER missed the children's appointments with him (more than we can say for him!))

Hissy.....ha ha ha ahhhhhh.
no my foolishness is out there for all to see!

LemonDrizzled I understand and I realise this isn't about winning. I think I just need to stand back and try and observe what happens for a while but I find it so hard not to react to what's going on around me...

He didn't speak to me for 6 days and now is pretending that everything is fine...and my poor DS seems to be wondering why sometimes daddy doesn't talk and sometimes he shouts and sometimes he's nice....

My mum wants to come and visit and I'm worried about how it will be. I asked DH last week he minded if she came to stay and today he's finally texted back his permission for her to stay as "it will be good for you and DS" but he will be "doing his own thing" (i.e., he will stay away while she's here)...don't know whether it would just be easier to go and visit her...

Obviously, brackets in my song analysis refer to what FWs really mean.
So H is setting up hoops for you Fool. Tell him to go jump for a change. We have been jumping for too long.
Increasingly deafening silence from FW at this end. Vaguely wonder what it all means - then really wonder why I am wasting time wondering.
Yesterday, I missed FW terribly - can you believe it?! Then I listed all the names he has called me. Better than sheep - sent me to sleep there were so many of them.
Strength to us all.

Wow!! ladies thread number 9....Hello again I was a poster a while back...good to read you ( Hissy and Fool)sound well. Loads of new names on here though..Im 6 months into my freedom...I just bought my own car...my very own little car...I can't believe it...this is going to make my life so much easier.....onwards and upwards!!

wishing you all strength.

scream that is FAB news! well done love! How are you doing in yourself, the 6m mark can be tricky.

Fool, do you know the truth as to why he's not around on Saturday at his usual time?....

Has he got someone else do you know?

Me thinks he is making SOOOO much of it so that you will ask and he will tell you or NOT tell you whichever will cause you most pain....

Yes...unfortunately he is in Europe with work. I would be very very happy if he had an OW (tho sad for her)

it is a sad truth that NSDH STILL thinks it's just a matter of time until he's back (despite lawyers etc.)

Keeps telling the DCs that he hopes "won't be too long until mummy lets me back" and that he's "trying to be really good"

(puke)

scream....wow look at you

Hello scream you sound so happy about your new car. May it take you nice places