Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi all, Who's around this evening?

I'm around Fingers :) Are you ok?

Today I dunno what it means. We do a few things apart, have dinner together (apart from tonight but I'll get to that in a sec), but sometimes spend parts of the evening doing our own thing, especially atm coz of my studies. He's been saying it on and off pretty much since we got married 3 years ago, but no idea why.

I'm actually very at him now this evening. Had a text from him at 7:15pm saying he won't be home before 9pm as he had a report to do and to do my own dinner. Why he left it that long when he usually leaves at 5pm is beyond me! I could have got dinner on the go after DD went to bed so I could crack on with my studying FFS. Selfish prick.

Yes, selfish and controlling by the sound of it.

It must be just a quirk of his, irritating as it is. Mine used to say 'in the fullness of time'. Everytime I hear that I wanted to strangle the bastard! Can you ask him why he says that? Maybe he has a stupid idiotic pathetic reason.

Hello, am here.

Am thinking of yet another way of getting the settlement arranged...

I wanted to talk 'like husband and wife', eat dinner 'like husband and wife' - in fact do anything like husband and wife. Mine wouldn't.

I think that he possibly means have a conversation about a topic that is not your life together, but is a sharing of opinions about a topic he started. Let's be fair, women often want to talk about Heavy Things like how we can improve things, or Practical Things like plans for the holidays. If so, I see what he means.

fingers anything in particular? (btw, step away from the phone )

Today I'm not surprised, I'd want to strangle him too for saying that phrase! I did ask him once what he meant by that but he just shrugged.

pink You may well be right. I am wondering if the 'husband and wife' thing is part of his rose-tinted 50's view of sitting down to have a conversation where he tells me whatever and I listen intently. I'm not sure where 'I'm going to hit you like husband and wife' fits in though. . How are things for you?

Looking forward to seeing my counsellor in the morning, but don't know what to say.

Nini I think that may be his vision. If you didn't like football, I would take a much dimmer vision of things, he may want to have an adult-adult, friend-friend, person-person talk with you, a bit like when you first went out together. (And of course then this kind of talk might well lead on to..., maybe then, and maybe now (in his mind at least).

Hitting is altogether something different. I hope you do not think I was trying to minimise your experiences.

Just sat down with a takeaway curry and a beer after a busy day.

Nini what comes across this evening is that you are pissed off with your NSDH and whatever he does annoys you. That is perfectly okay bearing in mind how he has treated you. But keep your response dignified and don't descend to his level. My mistake was to become mean and critical and behave almost as badly as he did. I am ashamed of that.

With the counsellor you just go with an open mind and see what comes up. Your anger would be a start!

Nini sorry, but I suspect this morning he thought he would be able to polish off the report in no time! However, as the day went by it turned out not to be that easy. And suddenly all he can do is press on till it is done. At least, I have had that experience - a bit like writing an essay, in fact. So he didn't know he was going to be late until quite late on in the day. Perhaps.

I'd be interested to know what you are studying, if you'd care to share?

I used to get "I wish we could laugh and joke around like a husband and wife" and "be playful with each other, like a husband and wife"

would that be before or after you threw dinner at the wall and stormed out because it wasn't what you felt like??...my mind reading never went that well, unsurprisingly.

love to all: a thought

hanging on by a thread is just enough...one thread can be woven into a strong cord...just don't cut it!

if detaching is hard take up something occupying but not deep (eg crochet, needlepoint, gardening, bicycle repairs, sudoku) when you get the urge to engage...redirect your energies. I promise it helps!

Oh God Pink no I didn't think you were trying to do that at all - in a clumsy way I guess I was trying to say I find it a bit ironic that he has this rose-tinted 50's view of a marriage when there still is this underlying unresolved issue that we're both skirting around.

Lemon you're totally right, at this moment there isn't a great deal he can do to get back into my good books since so much time (a month & a half almost) has passed since the 'incident' with no action from him. I must not descend - I have a terrible habit of lashing out verbally when I think I've been wronged. And there's no chance of him getiing physically close to me, we havn't even kissed since before the incident! Very jealous of your takeaway curry & beer btw! ;)

Pink you may well be right about his report, but based on past experiences I expect it just didn't occur to him to let me know. I havn't raised it as an issue so I'll hold my tongue. Getting grumpy with him won't solve anything anyway.

I'm studying a work-related diploma (any more detail and I may out myself as its industry-specific) but its the same level as an undergrad degree so very hard going. First exam in a few weeks so I'm bricking it. To get to my exam means leaving at 7am that day, I had to BEG NSDH to take DD to nursery for me that morning or I won't make the start time. He's not pleased but said he'll do it.

You ladies are such fantastic listeners. :)

'I had to BEG NSDH to take DD to nursery for me that morning or I won't make the start time. He's not pleased but said he'll do it.'
Sorry Nini
you did what?! and he said what?! :)

Ok here. Still making arrangements to wrap up 30 years of my life. Still no content from FW except to acknowledge my texts reporting exactly what I am doing about bills etc. Girls seem more relaxed and speak to him on the phone with vibes of divided loyalties, but no secrecy.

fingers I walked away from the house, all my things, the art and the furnishings. I have since retrieved my books and treasures but left the rest for the DC to enjoy. I don't miss any of it really. Even my favourite furniture and curtains I could buy again if I wanted. Being free of criticism and disapproval is worth all of that!

You will be sad but it will be OK xxx

ExOH has just been in touch. I'd been meaning to get in touch with him to ask him to pick up the last of his stuff, which is currently taking up my entire spare room. He starts off nicey nicey and reasonable, then asks me if I've disconnected his computer. I say yes, all packed up to make it easier for you and he starts blethering on about downloading his photos. Cue several further barbed comments throughout which I remain completely reasonable and refuse to rise to his bait. Then: "Do you mind helping with this? Or can you not bear to interact further?"

I restrained myself from replying with "I don't give a fuck what you do, stop fannying around and just pick up your shite before I put it out for the binmen". Honestly, what are these men like?

Oh good, and now I'm getting "why don't you stay in touch? It makes me sad that you don't want to stay in contact."

Bleh. I can't be arsed with this crap.

Hi Lemon It's not stuff I am anxious about - never been much of one for hoarding - except books, and the girls can have them.
It's the fact that all the bills are still in my name (although I have been a free rider supported by FW all these years
And the fact that I still haven't sorted out anywhere to go when I come back in September.
I do have a small flat with a big mortgage, which I have put on the market because I can't afford the mortgage on my salary and because I want the capital to help DD1 when she goes to college in the Autumn. Putting it on the market involved giving the nice, elderly tenants (FW's relative) notice - Yes, yet another evil deed perpetrated by yours truly :( .
I just know that FW is planning to play the 'She abandoned the children without a backward glance and completely fleeced me before she went' card, and pride (which, I do know, comes before a fall) won't allow me to give him that satisfaction.
None of this is insurmountable. I have a contract for the summer in Britain which pays well, so I will have enough for a deposit.
Fool what truly frightening behaviour :( May he never darken your doorstep again!

Hi fingers if the bills are in your name then tell him you are going to rake your name off. this is necessary...he could ruin your credit rating.

Mine ramped it up a gear yesterday. I felt threatened so not been seeing/speaking as much. I rang him yesterday, he wanted me to go and see him, I said I would, I rang him and he said he wasn't home, so I went in to town, he asked me to phone him (he never has any credit), I did he asked where I was, I said I was in town, he called me a 'buck toothed whore'.

I was charmed, naturally.

I refused to see him all day yesterday. I've seen him very briefly, he is giving me an opportunity to 'change' my behaviour and apologise and think Long and Hard about if I want to be in this relationship.

I can't promise I will claw out fully and quickly, but I have seen the EA.

In your own time AS, in your own way.
Stay safe.

Anastasia - Buck-toothed whore? NICE! But think on... IF you have buck teeth, they can be fixed.... HE on the other hand will ALWAYS BE A C*NT...

Please bin your sim card.... please stop talking to this twat?

If he ever raises his voice to you on a call, or calls you a name? HANG UP! Don't call him back. If he calls you and RANTS? Hang UP! every time! Train the fucker like a badly behaved puppy. Once you realise that YOU get to control how he talks to you, his 'power' will be diminished.

Anytime you want to contact him, come post here and someone will hopefully be here to hold your hand, or if it's middle of the night, start a new hand holding thread, the night shift is covered by our international MNers!

Kernow - the Can you help me shit is part of the script.... it's reeling you back in.

Tell him that you are NOT able to help him any further and be absolutely resolute on this.

If he says any shit about staying in touch/being friends tell him that you have no need for more friends, that you are happy with the ones you have.

Kernow what an arse he is, agree with Hissy, be firm. Just think, soon you'll have a whole spare room to yourself you can do whatever you like with! Hope things are looking up otherwise?

Fingers, also agree with Fool, make sure you get your name off the bills. I remember when leaving uni it was a priority to do that to stop future tenants running up bills in your name!

And AS, agree with Hissy there too, how dare he speak to you like that. Big hugs. :)

I seem to be doing a lot of agreeing with other good advice rather than giving - but I am here to offer hugs too! :)

Had my app with my counsellor this morning, cried my eyes out AGAIN (I never cry, its so embarrassing). She gave me lots of good tips for what to do next with my EA relationship, and I have some thinking/research to do. It went well I think. She says based on my upbringing and current life that I'm a peacemaker, which I've never thought about but is probably true.

Blessed are the peacemakers, and the meek. Up to a point .

Things are hopeful here atm. I will say no more...

I'll help him, but nothing more. He is computer illiterate and I don't mind doing this bit, but that's it. Every text he sent annoyed me more. I could tell he was spoiling for a fight but he didn't get it as my responses were all relaxed and "yeah whatever".

I'm sure I'll still fancy him when I see him but honestly I just want him out of my life now. I can't wait for the day I hear he's got a new girlfriend as it means that's it, no more contact ever. We don't have kids together and there is no reason to see each other after that. I don't want to be friends with him - friends treat each other with respect and I don't think he's ever treated me with respect.

I really don't know what planet he's on.