Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yey Hissy!!!
Hope your weekend was good Fool
Strength to all for the coming week

I'm back up and fighting again :) I expect i'll crash again sometime soon but for now i'm good. Thanks for the support and advice. Lots of fresh air, sunshine and a good friend made me feel normal again
Sorry haven't time to catch up on thread, hope everyone doing ok

You had sunshine?

Good to hear you are feeling better.

No sunshine here... just rain and wind and hard work clearing messy stuff. But cheerful company and lots of cuddles make it all ok.
I reckon breaking life down to manageable tasks helps a lot when it is hard.

Night all x

HI all, so glad I stumbled upon this thread, I am over a year out of an EA relationship, well I say out - we don't live together anymore, but the drama hasn't stopped. I know that I have to detatch, but as many of you wise women comment its so easy to get sucked back in when he's even a teensy bit nice. I want to get to the same point in my head and my heart, but knowing and feeling are two different things. At the moment I am staying distant, and waiting in hope for the release, but the games continue and the roller coaster goes on. We have a 19 month old son, who is wonderful, but was and is a convenient tool for continued manipulation of me and my feelings. Even now this relationship occupies my mind so much more than it should, I had good advice, be nice, be distant and come here and to friends to vent as any show of emotion just fuels his fire, thanks for listening

Is it usually best to ignore attempts to undermine you/digs at your behaviour/life choices etc? I have a feeling that the more I try to be reasonable...the worse the 'relationship' with my ex gets. Am I right?
Is it better to tell him he's out of order...or to ignore? (I realise there's no details...I'm asking in general...I've tried different things, not sure anything works that well)

Hi filthycute and welcome

Yes, detaching is very difficult when there's a child involved. All I can suggest is that you do what I did, and refuse point blank to use your child as a weapon. It is not fair on a little one to be used, and my FWXH still uses our DS (5) against me, even though the X and I are 300 miles apart. It doesn't stop unfortunately, unless you are one of the lucky ones. All I'm hoping for is that my son will realise his dad is a complete w**ker when he's older.

Try and keep calm for the sake of your son, and feel free to join us as often or little as you like. We've all had a vent at some time or another, so don't feel bad about it. We are here with you, try and stay strong.

Another welcome to filthycute. Only adult DC involved in my situation, so don't have any advice, but lots here will do, like today

Lovingfreedom I suggest you either ignore, or have a simple response that you always give, like 'That's up to me now' or similar. (Anyone got any good suggestions?) Then do not respond futher, even if he has a go at pushing your buttons. Never apologise, never explain!

Hi to filthycute :)

Afraid I don't know how to answer you Lovingfreedom as I'm still in my EA relationship .

I think we might be entering 'the cycle' again and its partly my fault. DD has been giving me the major run-around today, ignoring everything I say and generally being naughty (but then she is just 18 months I suppose). I was exhausted so after I put her to bed I curled up in front of the TV to watch the last of the footy and fell asleep. NSDH comes flying in and sees the score before I could change the channel (he'd recorded the game to watch this evening as he'd miss it). So he then gets the hump with me for not changing the channel.

Then he goes straight into the dining room - the house is a tip from DD tearing the place apart today and he's very . Then he spots a photo on the table - as there are so few photos of DD & me together I go to a photo booth every month to get a pic of her and me. He doesn't know this and I hide the photos in her baby book (god knows why). So he says "When did you get this done?" and I admit I snapped at him to leave things alone. So now he's not talking to me. Sigh.

I met up with my NCT gang today - they're such lovely girls but I've always got the impression that they're not bothered about meeting. They all have lots of friends and lovely husbands so its usually me who arranges meet-ups. I get so lonely and I really like them but I think most of them aren't really bothered as they have such busy lives and no real need for support. I love meeting them and always feel sad afterwards. I hate hearing about all the lovely things their husbands do for them. .

I've decided not to do anything except buy a card for NSDH for Father's Day. As Mother's Day was no different to a normal day (I did everything, it wasn't acknowledged in any way but a card) I'm tempted to insist we do nothing special on sunday if NSDH suggests it - would this be too petty? It's also our wedding anniversary in a few weeks - we usually just get each other a card and I'm tempted not to buy one - but again would this be petty? NSDH will probably just see this as me being difficult and in no way a reaction to his behaviour.

I feel like crying tonight and I don't know why. .

Thanks, for the warm welcome ladies. Ninilegs I feel like you too, always so frustrated and sad - why can't a normal, supportive happy relationship be possible. It must be really hard work to be so bloomin critical and negative, I can't understand it but from what I've read about abusers they hate themselves more than anything. Even though I'm no longer living with my sons dad it still feels the same - just the benefit of a bit of personal space, which funnily enough I'm still cleaning fanatically and tidying all the time!! I have an 18 year old son aswell and I had to end things I was no way going to let him feel the brunt of the negativity especially as the ExP seemed to treat him as the manifestation of his total self loathing. I still can't let go completely though - crazy but I hope that one day he will see the light. But I accept that I can't and won't play him at his own game.

a little something for those of you out or thinking of leaving:

After leaving an abusive relationship

1. Understand that leaving the abuser will not magically solve all problems; it was the beginning of your journey, not the end.
2. As much as possible, focus on what you see and think rather than what you feel. Your feelings can be expected to swing wildly, and are not going to be reliable guides in every instance. It is very common after leaving an abusive relationship for feelings of love for your abuser and mourning of your relationship to make going back into that situation seem very attractive or even necessary. One of the most important things you can do is to be honest with yourself and look at the hard cold reality of where you are and work with what is, rather than what might have been.
3. Be prepared for your abuser to experience a "miraculous recovery". You may see tears. You may get presents; you may get wonderful sounding apologies?perhaps publicly and embarrassingly. You may hear all the things you?ve said you wanted but never heard before. However, beware because none of that matters if your abuser hasn?t sought counselling on his own and stuck with the counselling for at least one year.
4. Give yourself some time before you consider starting a relationship with someone else. People, like water, seek their own level, and the sort of person you will attract and be attracted to early in your recovery is not the sort of person you will be attracted to (or even interested in) after healing.
5. Fill your time with friends and family who are supportive of your decision to escape the abusive relationship and with activities that you enjoyed before your life was overtaken by your abuser.
6. Begin or resume physical exercise, it is an excellent way to burn frustrations, depression and calories.
7. Read a book on recovering from emotional damage. Your local library or victim services agency can assist you in choosing appropriate titles.
8. Seek counselling from a reputable victim services agency or private mental health professional who is experienced in working with victims of abuse.
9. Spend quiet time with yourself to think, plan, dream and appreciate the unique person you are. You did not deserve to be abused, no one ever does.

Source: The Pyramid of Escape; Las Vegas Metro Police Department

Nini tbh if I were you I would just buy an anniversary card and send it, but only because that's what you have always done, and so that way your head won't be filled with deciding about it, wondering what he will make of it, etc. Rather like you've decided about the Father's Day card. And if it was me I'd go along with any suggestion if it was something that would be enjoyable in itself - ex rarely suggested doing anything though, at any time, occasion or not!

Fool, that's a great post, thanks for that. The first three on the list almost perfectly apply for me. I do need to start being guided by what I see, rather than what I feel. I feel such a hole in my heart. My heart wants me to go back to him. But my head can see that he's not changed like he says he has (how could he, in such a short time?), and that his actions betray his real intentions, which are to continue putting his own needs first and to get control back, and manipulate me when he can. How can I get my heart and head to match up?? How can I still want him to take me to dinner on Thursday???

He texted me earlier - I thought it would be to let me know there were lots of birthday cards for me that had come in the post, so to come collect them tomorrow. No. It was to tell me he's going to see a solicitor tomorrow (on my birthday), to sort out the legal issues around our separation (ie selling the house, against my wishes). My teeth feel suitably kicked in. Good thing I already have my own solicitor appointment arranged for Wednesday. I'm a lovesick eejit, but I'm not a complete idiot.

Fool Can I award you today's crown (although there isn't one to award anymore)?
I sooo needed your reality check post.

1. tick
2. tick
3. - still expecting this - FW is 'going to write me a letter' ...
4. Only one I am safe from, if for no other reason than my age
5. No friends or family, unfortunately, but I really must go for the activities
6. tick tick tick (my poor dog's face is - or should be - encouragement enough.) This is my dog's face: :(
7. tick - reading last part of 'Should I Stay or Should I Go'
8. tick - on my list as soon as I hit Britain
9. In Lundy's book this - but I am a loooong way from being anywhere near this

again Fool And, if your FW misbehaves on Skype again, I will personally organize a power cut :)

I finally ended my relationship in 2009 after being in it for 12 years. We were married, have a child and the whole of the relationship was horrible. He scared me, he manipulated me, had a good way with his words, to get what he wanted. By the time i ended the relationship, i had withdrawn into this quiet, shy and well, grumpy looking person. I just faded into the background most of the time. When i ended the relationship, my hell of a life got 10 times worse, in the end i had to get an emergency injunction because my life was at risk. I'm in the process of getting a divorce, which suprisingly enough, he's not giving me - still has control over me. So my solicitor is now taking it to court as we've been waiting for so long. I got diagnosed with post traumatic stress in December too, so have been having therapy this year to help me.

Hi Charlie welcome.
:( that your journey towards freedom has been made so difficult and painful.

Thanks arthriticfingers it has been the hardest part, the breaking up with him. Everything came to a head so to speak and he got nasty and scarier. But i know that i have to go through all of this to get out the other side :) I have an amazing OH now who supports me through everything, knows everything too, so when i cry out of no-where, he knows why and just holds me. So to all of you who can't see that ever happening, it does and there are some amazing men out there! Just a shame that we all seemed to have met the arseholes lol

Pony fuckwitted f*ing mindgames are sure signs that the FW is a dickhead.
It's been over 35 years since 'O' levels, so pleas forgive my French

Hi Charlie, and welcome to our 'little' group
I left in 2009 too, and I've only just got the divorce through. Try and stay with it, it is just his last ditch attempt to control you. You will get better soon, the therapy will help, and before you know it you will realise one day that you are smiling because your life is so wonderful, it happened to me a couple of weeks ago and is the best feeling after all the shite. Hang on, you'll get there.

Is there a Stately Homes thread still running in Relationships? I can't find it and I think I need to be on it....

Hi Hissy bumped the thread for you. If you want to talk dysfunctional families, I am always up for a conversation.

Hello to Charlie :)

Thanks Pink, I think I'll do what you suggest. :)

Very low on energy today, just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

I've been thinking this afternoon (supposed to be working), hoping someone will indulge me. A few things NSDH has said lately have been playing on my mind.

Last night, he watched the footy while I studied (as I'd watched the game earlier). He came up after it while I was working and a convo went like this:
Him - "Let me know when you want to go to bed so we can chat."
Me - "About what?"
Him - "About the football. You know, talk like a husband and wife."

No biggie, I love football (although he isn't usually interested in my opinion). It's the phrase 'like a husband and wife' that bothers me, he tags it onto sentences at times ("You know, eat dinner like a husband and wife.") and it sounds weird to me. Any ideas on what he's hinting at exactly?

What on earth does that mean, talk about football like husband and wife? Do you do a lot of things apart? Like meals at different times, or TV/computer separately while the other is doing something else? Sounds quite odd, how long has he been saying that?

fool, just read your post from last night. Thank you, a little bit of strength to battle my army of weaknesses. I'm holding on by a thread, but I am holding on.

Hi charllie, you've given me a little bit of hope!

fingers how are you doing?

Nini, I've not been wed, so not really qualified to give you advice there... Hope someone can give you some answers though!