Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Pink, I was advised that here in Scotland you could get divorced at any time, if it was based on unreasonable behaviour. I dont want to be divorced tho . I want to be happily married, and my FWH to be my DH. I am slowly coming round to the fact it aint gonna happen.

I emailed him last night after meeting him yesterday, I felt I had to get out some of what I was feeling to him (he's been complaining I don't communicate, after all) - I threw away several long and rambly emails, went for shorter, just saying how he'd told me about his house decision was disrespectful, and that I soooo wanted to see that he was putting me first but I couldn't see it, and challenged him to give me one example of him doing it. I really just want him to say - you're right, I haven't been putting you first, I will from now on. But his reply was... textbook, I guess. He said he had changed, but if I couldn't see it then we had no chance. He was a different person now, everyone else can see it apparently. And threw it back at me, what had I done to help the relationship in the last few weeks, other than continually ask to be left alone (!!) and dissect everything he is saying and doing (I probably am a bit guilty of that ). But then the kicker: 'It is clear to me that any love you had for me has gone.' The latest rocket from Hissy's Planet Manipulo has arrived.

This morning, when I dropped of DS2, he asked me to stop emailing him (me to stop emailing him!!!), as all I do is criticise him, he doesn't need that in his life. I suspect he's starting to build this new 'zen' persona for himself, and I am going to be accused of being a negative vibe, he doesn't need negativity man, so I'll be told to push off. And then, somehow, it all becomes his decision, and we've split because of my unreasonable negativity and constant criticism. Anyone else think I'm on the money here?

Been thinking about all of you this morning - Amitola, how you feeling this morning, did you manage to speak to anyone last night?

Ah I see ponygirl. And of course you want to be happily married to (DH). But as you say this doesn't seem like a likely outcome.

Hope you have a good day.

Hi Pink Hi Pony
Thank you for the hand holding.
I got through!!!! (with a bit of help from my friends
Pony, read Lundy's book - it is enormous help

Glad you got through it, arthritic. Glad we could help!

I've read Why does he Do that, have just received Should I stay Stay Or Should I go, which I'm about halfway through. Both very upsetting reading, in terms of recognition of my situation, and the things FW does - more so in SISOSG. I'm hoping tat some kind of moment of clarity will spring forth.

I think I might be kidding myself. We seem to have somehow clawed things back this morning's exchanges. He now has offered to take me to dinner on Thursday night when we meet up (which we've geed to do fortnightly), since it's my birthday this Tuesday. I sooooo want to say yes, I want us to have a normal, nice time, but I suspect I probably shouldn't. I am trying to get out of the blinkers that what I want to happen are putting on to let me think it'll all be ok.

Going out to spend some quality time with DS1 while it's just the two of us. I think i'l be good for me too, to get out of the house. Have a good day, catch up later.

Great to get out of the house - puts whole new - more healthy light on things

Stuck indoors here as it's raining too hard to go out.

I'm struggling to remember the bunk beds fingers ! Maybe "calling his bluff" refers to my final departure 20 months ago? FWH was insisting on non consensual sex and when I decided enough was enough and moved into the spare room to sleep he gave me an ultimatum. Sleep with him or move out. So I took a mattress a chair and a small sofa and went to camp in a sweet little doll's house 500 yards from the family. And discovered it was much better living without furniture and (older) DC than living with him and his moods and disapproval.

I've had a good realisation this weekend about our divorce.

FWH was very very upset when I ended our marriage. For twenty years it had all suited him fine. Then I started rocking the boat questioning things, and he became panicky and desperate and treated me as badly as I had been treating him. (I was mildly abusive and had an affair). I cleaned my act up and tried to put things right with counselling and a fresh start. But he kept giving ultimata until the above final straw.

Now we are negotiating over house and assets and pensions. I thought I couldn't do it so got a solicitor and finally FWH has too. They have suggested collaboration. I know that my H is a decent man who wants to be fair. So I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if we can do collaboration. If he starts bullying me or playing games then it is off the table. I am stronger now. Time has passed and we have both found new DPs. It will all be fine!

Hope you all have a good day despite the weather

Hi Lemon wasn't it you who moved into a small flat from the big house and found that the kids didn't mind squeezing in to the smaller accommodation?
If not, who was it?
Alzheimer's raises its ugly head again ...
I am sure someone said that downsizing on living quarters worked better than they thought it would.
Saying this when I haven't sorted out any living arrangements

fingers, Hissy and Pink,

Thank you so much again for your support the other day, just to know folk are there when you are struggling to keep a clear mind, means so much.

I haven't been able to trust myself so my mobile and laptop have been firmly switched off. My willpower is zero. Why is it that I can only seem to think of the happy times? I should be raging at how he spoke to me the last time I saw him, but no. I am very much in a wavering stage where a few kind words will probably see me go trotting straight back.

I always thought I was stronger than this. fingers I'm sorry I haven't supported you as well as you have supported me, but I am so glad you got through last night okay. Best wishes to you all, x

Hi Earth Well done for switching your phone off. Now, go out. Visit a friend - go window shopping. Go for a walk in the nearest park - anything. It is really amazing what a change of scenery can do for the mind

Anyone around?

Wassup fingers? You OK?

Fine today, thanks Hissy.

How's things with you? What about the date?

Sorry guys, I've been AWOL this weekend, DD has hit a new level of demanding and I feel mentally/physically exhausted.

Bertie my NSDH is in a 'nicey nicey' phase at the moment too and its completely thrown me like it always does. All weekend I've been thinking that the problem is me, I've been making all this stuff up, I'm not in an EA relationship, the issue is my head. I'm so confused. I just don't think I love him anymore, I really don't. I feel a bit like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and if I were to tell him what I'm feeling I'll drop off this cliff.

I'm seeing my counsellor on wednesday and I feel like a fraud. I've done none of the things she told me to do, and NSDH hasn't done anything of a big enough magnitude for me to talk about.

NSDH is making plans with our friends to go away in September and I just keep thinking what if we're not together by then. And both of us are being godparents to our friend's little girl next month - how can I stand next to him in a church and say those vows when we're in such turmoil?

Hope everyone is ok?

I think this one's a keeper.. :D

we're just getting used to each other, slowly building intimacy, enjoying eachother's company.

he's clearly spoken to his friends about me, they were all so very kind, so friendly, and I really enjoyed myself. We had a lovely time and O M G, those kisses...

hi Y'all (returned from midlands, not deep South but anyway........)

I see that nobody's NSDP has yet managed to vary the script and that you are all, in various ways resisting the pull to return/act out/be less than the women you are. Well done. keep it up.

fingers only a few weeks until you can breathe some fresh air. Try very hard to prevent your DC(s) from being drawn into subterfuge. have a general talk about how dangerous secrets can be and that there is nothing that cannot be out in the open and you will not be upset if they are meeting their DF. Only if it's secret. Secrets can destroy and gives him leverage over them. they really need to know this especially at their age as they need to know that men (or women) who insist on secrets are waving BIG RED FLAGS.

Amitola you need RL support and fast. No wonder you feel a wreck. Please please get on to women's aid and get help. Try to write down something to explain how hard it is (or print out your post on here). Nobody here will tell you off if you don't but it will really help you.

Hissy you deserve a good one!

Nini- what do you want to do? Do you want to go away in September? If not say so. You can you know.

Likewise if you don't want to be god parents that's fine, afterall if anything were to happen to the child's parents, the worst thing that could happen would be for it to be raised in an abusive environment.

Call your friends, tell them about your H and withdraw from being a God parent.

Start cutting ties.

The nice phase is more underhand than the inevitable nasty. What he's doing now is effectively crippling you so you can't leave/stand up for yourself When he turns nasty... Which will come any day now...

Thing is Hissy, I do want to go away, I do want to be a Godparent, I just want to do those things with someone who I love and who loves me back the way I want to be loved. It makes me very .

I can't ring our friends,they're more his friends than mine and she knows my family so word will spread like wildfire. I couldn't handle that right now.

I hate feeling like this too, I feel pathetic.

Your guy sounds lovely, btw Hissy. Very jealous :)

I'm sorry I'm no good at supporting the rest of you. I get such good support here from you all.

Would your family not support you?

Seriously, you know you've backed the wrong horse, you've bought the wrong stocks, placed your marker on the wrong number.

Time to liquidate your position. It'll only get worse, the damage to you will get harder to fix.

Trust me, it's bad enough atm to have to fix, don't make it any harder for yourself.

The day you are free you will want to boot yourself from here to kingdomcome anyway, for the sheer waste of your life you've given him already.

Sometimes you need a catalyst, standing in a church, knowing you're living a lie, knowing you'd be harming their child if you brought her to live with you and him, anything to get you to live honestly. If that's not an adequate enough reason, I'd like to know what is.

You can't change the past, and you won't be able to influence your future if your very existence/happiness is being oppressed and denied.

I know . My family wouldn't be of any help, lots of issues there too. I don't really know what I'm waiting for!

Take back your life.

You know you'll never have that weekend away with this man.

This was one of the reasons I clung to, knowing how xenophobic the ex was, I knew we'd never go away for a holiday, we'd never have a weekend away, we'd never have friends...

I jumped ship in the HOPE of a holiday, in the hope of someone to bring me a coffee in bed, give me a lie in, take over for a bit if I was ill.

I've never had any of that. I hold out for the mere chance of it. I'm closer now to that than ever before. With ex, it'd have never been more remote.

My family all abandoned me when ex left. I was devastated. I'm biding my time. Revenge is a dish best served COOL.

You're not going to lose a thing then, you already know where you stand. Dig deep and be brave. You stand head shoulders and more, magnificent more, above all those people. What sorry pitiful people they are. You at least know what your family aren like, I didn't, not until it all happened. the shock was horrific!

You don't have that, you can do this expecting nothing, and if any support comes, it's a bonus.

Please stop putting barriers in the way of your happiness?

nini the "nicey nicey" phase is a bugger isn't it? Gets me every time...it's as if as soon as he acts "normal" I feel a sense of relief that the next few days will be easier to handle. He even accompanied me and DS to a really quite tedious kids party today...and not a winge from him afterwards....! Unfuckingbelievable from him...

pony I said this before...are you me? I too have read "Why does he do that?" & took delivery yesterday of "Should I stay or should I go?"

I'm not that far into SISOSIG but I'm already interested in the "is the problem immaturity?" section... Particularly where it talks about whether his behaviour seems mostly to cause problems for himself (cause - immaturity) or problems for you (cause - abusiveness).

Not something I'd really considered before...I reckon there are many situations where there's a combination of immaturity and abusive behaviour don't you?

Hissy you always talk such sense. Wish you were my Mum, or my sister :)

A small side note, how are the rest of you dealing with Father's Day? I got a card (the exact same card I'd got for my birthday 2 weeks before Mother's Day), so I've got NSDH a card from DD. I was so hurt at not getting a present - part of me wants to buy NSDH a present from DD to show him up and hopefully shame him, although I doubt that'll work. The other part of me wants to not buy him anything but I feel petty. Although I am skint as always. Thoughts?

bertie/pony#2 , did your copy take as blinking long to come as my copy did? Was tearing my hair out. Yes, I had a few ticks in the immaturity section too, which surprised me. And the addiction. Also interesting how it talks about the intensity of the abusive man and how that can be addictive for us - helps me feel a bit better about my inability to shed him when it's he's so obviously no good for me.

Nini, it's tricky, isn't it. I've just been into town with DS1 (6) to buy his Dad a card. But we've been split up for nearly 5 years, we are both comfortable with whatever happens - we both have other people now (I've asked DS to speak to ex-P's girlfriend about getting a present to go with the card, to save us sending something).
Regards DS2 (6 months), I have no idea. I've said to my stepdaughters that I'll take them into town next Saturday if they want, to get a present and a card for their Dad (and probably pay for it), and then they can put DS2's name on it. If it was just DS2, I'd probably get a card but not a present the way things are. I'd say do what you want to do, or if that seems to harsh maybe a card and a bar of choc, as a nod to a present?