Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

The SECOND he says shit like that, end the skype, call whatever. I mean it.

cos we all know how crappy the Skype connection can be.....

Like training a dog with a newspaper.... eventually he'll learn.

I had the same, i dealt with it by hanging up and ignoring him until he behaved.

Hissy
Can someone stop me wanting to text FW?
He has just phoned the kids - who are ok today.
Would just love to know what is in his murky brain :(

What would you like to say?

Nothing at all - That's just it. I really don't have anything more to say.
and I don't suppose he has anything that I would want to hear to say either.
But, after 30 years of daily contact, I feel weird.
Not depressed any more, though.
I suppose you must still get weird feelings, too.

I was blessed by FW being SOOOOO freakish on the last day that I lost all memory of the old FW, he turned into a monster before my eyes. I feared him for a couple of weeks, but I've never had anything more than fear, anger, hatred and then blissful indifference.

That said, a single skype call had me scurrying, until he had some of his grinning loon eejits staring at my DS and into my kitchen without so much as a second thought. I lost it then, said it was intrusive and ended the call.

the fear for you Fingers is subsiding, you are losing the adrenaline that you were running on and coming to rest finally.

yes it will be weird, come talk to us when you need to. you know you have to keep strong, and keep him away.

Hissy

Arthritic - I can understand what you mean, 30 years of daily contact, that is a hard hard habit to break. I'm struggling after just a fraction of that time, so you're doing amazingly. I also miss my FW terribly, but think I will try your trick and sing myself to sleep listing all the vile names he called me.

Bertie might be easier to visit your mum, you might feel more relaxed out of your normal surroundings. Does she know what's going on? It was a turning point for me when I told my mum (who already suspected he was controlling). Still took another 9 months after that to get out, mind you.

Fool, how did your Skype session go? I know you are absolutely right about my NSDH. He is trying to get the control back, keep me on that string and to make me do the work. So far, I feel have put more effort in than he has (why why why) - all he's done is go to counselling, which he's doing for himself anyway - yet he tells me I'm not making enough effort, and I'm 'killing us' by not communicating. But he's just not listening to my needs, only talking about his own. I told him that the drop-offs for our DS had to be brief, I didn't want to get dragged in to 'talking', but still he does it. I told him we'd meet up once a month for a drink to talk then, he wanted it to be every week, never mind my need for space. I compromised at every two weeks, even then he wasn't happy with that. He's always pushing me, but then claims he's not pressurising me. I've now emailed him saying (again) that I need time & space, and that sorting through my stuff isn't a priority for me now so I'm not doing it, and said (again) that he has to stop talking about selling up. So we'll see.

See, bit less long that one! but not by much.

we don't mind the length pony....it's why this thread is here. When things are ok then a few quips will suffice, when not (or if feeling literary (!)) then it's not a bad place for therapy/advice/safe place to rant.

It is really really difficult to get these men out of our heads, I tried so hard for 2 months with the DCs contact. Wasn't until a couple of months after I had stopped ALL face to face contact that we started to feel/look/be nearer to normal. IMHO the more arms length you can keep him, the quicker you will get to realise who you really are. And if truth be known he would have a better idea of who he really is. He'd have to concentrate on something other than reeling you back in.

Every time you "compromise" he feels he has won and is nibbling away at your boundaries. Which, we know, he does not respect at all.

Pony: decide where your boundaries are. Stick to them. This is the only way to show him that you mean business. And the only way you will find out if he is going to be able to confront himself...the day he starts to truly respect those boundaries is the day you can have hope for him.

It is no coincidence that setting boundaries is a problem for all of us in these relationships. And if we ever want a healthy one, then it is something we really need to sort out. it is not selfish to have reasonable boundaries. it is what keeps us safe and healthy and able to function.

Thanks for asking by the way:

It was as it always is, stressful but manageable. Unlike the man in RL.

I'm glad it was manageable Fool. Sometimes, that's all you can hope for.

You're right about it not being selfish to have boundaries, but that's funny you say that - I'm seeing my counsellor again tomorrow (third session), and we're going to be talking about why I consider putting my needs forward to be a selfish act and such like. Childhood has a lot to answer for!

yup: hands up all those who have had problems with our right to set boundaries and enforce them!

(note to self about setting some and keeping them in place!!)

When you get out of these relationshits (ha ha I like that typo!) the first word you learn is the word NO.

It's SUCH a powerful word, and it's yours to use whenever you wish.

maybe a new long running one for this thread Hissy!

I'm off to DB's for weekend with DCs (if I ever get washing sorted and packed!) so will be offline...stay strong all you lovely ladies (and gents if you're lurking). big unmumsnetty (((((hugs))))) to all.

Lawyers next week...give me strength and wisdom!

Have a great weekend Fool
Enjoy your family.
Next week - lawyer up to you teeth

fool 'I would be very very happy if he had an OW (tho sad for her) '

Do you know, I've been thinking the exact same thing. . Reading all the topics about cheating husbands has made me wish that NSDH would go find himself another woman. But tbh, he's such a poor specimen I don't think anybody would be interested. I certainly don't find him attractive and the older he gets, the worse he looks.

Have a lovely weekend though Fool. :)

Agree about not knowing how to set boundaries, due to my upbringing it's something I've never learnt. When I was a kid it was 'do as your told ALWAYS'. I'm struggling big time with the idea of saying 'No'.

pony your posts are shorter than mine, don't worry .

Hope everybody has a stress-free weekend, I think mine's going to be awful. But I'm seeing my counsellor again next Wednesday for my 2nd second, really looking forward to it.

That should have been session not second. All over the place today.

I have a question and want to know if this is textbook or what.

I'm not sure what's happening with not-so-DP following an exceptionally indiscreet indiscretion. It was unbelievable. Cheating while I'm in the next room.

Our cycle generally like this - crisis, apology, honeymoon period...until the next crisis.

This time, there's no apology, no being treat wonderfully, even though this is the worst thing he's ever done. It's worse than ever. It's as if I'm the one whose done wrong. I'm so confused. Even more confusing is that I care.

This cannot be right.

Hey Anastasia....Ive lived with that cycle for ages...all the crisis were started by DH and yes we had the honeymoon period but ours went like this...him sulking and me treading on egg shells, trying to please him...pathetic as it is...we went on like this for years.

As for cheating on you in the next room...how dreadful for you, you poor thing. Who knows why they do such awful things to us.

I don't know your back story but i do know you need to get away from him.No!! its not right. I know you care, but, you have to start caring about yourself now.....wishing you lots of strength.

Anastasia, my love.

Textbook? No. This is Game Over.

The cycle you describe is merely confirming to you what a shit he is.

If you don't stamp your foot on his head and shout "THIS ISN'T ACCEPTABLE!" ....who will?

He's cheated. Dump him.

It's that simple.

Hello Lovely Ladies, Thanks Fool and Hissy...yep am so much happier now!!

But...yes Hissy, 6 months is a tricky time for me...its like im holding a pair of scissors and cutting each strand of attachment one by one....and as i cut each one it hurts...im mostly ok but then its frightening again.

Dh wants us to go to mediation...I do not.

In the past 6 months he has demanded half the mortgage. He has given me £60...(.YES thats right) for food, kids hobbies, general living etc.

Can he force me to go to this mediation shizz? I have read on here that its a dangerous thing to do with an abuser..and i don't need anyone to tell me whats right and fair for me and my Dcs and exh for that matter. Anyone have any advice on this??

Oops should have posted before to get this on my Threads I'm On.

Hello to all, it's still Groundhog Day here, divorced since Feb but still under the same roof. Despite various offers from me, and a couple of unacceptable ones from him. However, I am on a fairly even keel although not getting much done as need to rest a lot because of continuous low stress level. By the end of the month I still hope we will have agreed something.

Having said that, did go to a great party on Mon, out with a friend yesterday, and have her son staying with me.

Thanks for responses. He did start the crises. He keeps changing his story - nothing happened then 'it' wouldn't have happened if I'd done x, y or z. He is unwilling to discuss it or apologise for the hurt he's caused me and he's been very cold since the incident.

I've met up with him and told him I can't get past it. To be honest, I should have done this ages ago - there are much worse things that he's done. So what I need to do is not change my mind. I'm going to pop on and off here this afternoon, there's no need to reply. I have to run. And run.

Thanks for your support on here.

Anastasia, indeed what you need to do is not change your mind. have the courage to stick to what you KNOW you must do.

It may be frightening at times, but you have to go through with it, or you will be stuck there forever.

scream NO to mediation. Why does he want to do that? to get back together? You are not interested in that, he is abusive, you can do better. Tell him that too.

If anyone tells you that you ought to do it, just say that Mediation/Counselling where abuse is a factor is usually contra-indicated.