Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

ExOH has just said he'll pay for my ticket to one of the work events I mentioned a while ago. He also asked if I wanted to go round to his new place for a meal/drink.

Obviously I am going to refuse both offers politely but firmly. He obviously wants us to get back together but even if pigs flew and he showed some remorse for his behaviour I'd never go back. It's doing my head in because I'd got used to him popping into my head less and less, to the point where I barely thought about him, but now it's just annoying again, I keep thinking about him.

Confuffled - if he makes you feel shit about things you do or feel, or things you like or enjoy, then yeah, to me it's abuse. Mine was subtly derogatory about things at first, then he got braver and made some quite comments that really got me thinking. It was about that point that I began to detach, as every little jibe made me love him a little bit less, and after a while I didn't feel anything for him at all.

That's so typical of an abuser, Confuffled, saying nasty things then saying they were only joking. It's hurtful and cruel. And him confusing you is another sign.

You're well out of it, believe me. I am so pleased you are joining us from a position of being out, rather than still with the bastard, which some of our unfortunate members are

Take some time out, treat yourself, and get to know yourself well before embarking on another relationship. These men strip us of our self respect and identities, look after yourself for a while.

I can never seem to get my point across and always feel far more confused by the end of it all (maybe thats me not explaining myself well).

Actually we recognise that one very well round here. It's as fool said known as Spaghetti Head Mess. Anyone with the ability to turn an intelligent well meaning woman who wants her relationship to work into a sobbing wreck is abusive. Nice people don't do that!!!!!!

In short: Get rid!

Kernow, a thought occurred to me - do you think he's hoping if he can butter you up with a meal and a few drinks, your armour might slip?

Confluffled, just a point about the fact he has never actually 'hit' you. My NSDH tried to strangle me 2 years ago, and nearly 2 months ago he pushed me across a room so I hurt my knee & back. He's never actually 'hit' me but it's still physical abuse. And squeezing your arms, however you put it, is also physical abuse. Just because he hasn't 'hit' you doesn't make it right. It's a textbook thing to almost excuse a physical hurt because it isn't hitting, from what I've read. Hope you're ok

And my NSDH sends me into spaghetti head mode too when I'm usually quite articulate (or so I think).

I think that's exactly it Nini. But to be honest he'd have to have had a total personality transplant and kicked his weed habit for me to even consider it again. A leopard doesn't change its spots in a month; and it would have to have even a tiny bit of compassion for others to do so, which he simply doesn't have.

He says he's missing me, but he's not. He's missing the fact that I made his life considerably easier and he relied on me for an awful lot, including entertaining his kids on his access weekends. Now he's on his own with three teenagers he's been reminded of just how much I did for him. Sadly I doubt he realises or cares just how thankless a task it was, or how badly he behaved. He used me to put a roof over his kids' heads, criticised me in my attempts to make it nice for them, criticised everything I did and everything about me.

I only have to think of the awful sneering look he gave me on NYE as my home-made pizza dough refused to do what it was supposed to while his kids asked when we'd be eating and he sat on his fat fucking arse doing sweet fuck all to think NEVER AGAIN! Afterwards he had the audacity to give me a talking to about where the pizza toppings came from, how they were horrible processed shit. Never mind that I'd tried to make it a fun NYE for his kids, involving them in all the cooking and that.

He is a massively overentitled prick and I pity the poor soul he ends up with next. Song for the day:

And yeah, spaghetti head mode, I know that one very well. Combined with a spot of gaslighting.

I had a moment like that, Kernowgirl, a couple of months or so ago. I asked DD to pass the milk to me from the fridge (actually the first time ever!), Ex looked over, saw there was milk already out, said something and this look of utter contempt? hatred? flashed on his face for a second and burned itself on my brain.

I could see him thinking 'stupid cow doesn't even notice milk is out' and 'stupid cow is playing games by getting DD to pass her things'. But the milk that was out was semi-skimmed, and I wanted whole milk for a milky coffee! There was method in my madness, as my actions went on to show, but his first thought was that I was either mad or up to something, I would bet. Of course, I will never know!!

But that is my theory which is mine!

Umbrella: Don't feel bad. I was in a similar situation. Here's my original thread from 8 months ago: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1362892-Is-my-marriage-normal-or-does-it-sound-sort-of-abusive - maybe some things on there will be comforting to you?

Re. my xh and his new girlfriend: I can't believe it, really. He's introduced the children to her and her children already. It took him four months to recover and find someone else! I agonised about leaving for such a long time and he said he wished he was dead and sobbed hysterically and screamed at me for weeks. I'm just baffled really. I do feel for her, which makes me feel a bit bad, but I'm trying to tell myself that maybe he's changed so it will be ok.

Meanwhile my life is lovely and peaceful.

Pink pussy My XH has this flash of a snarl which just shows through all the time. Or a mocking smile. They remind me why I'm happy without him.

Thank you soo much for clarifying things. My biggest worry i guess now is I decided to throw it back at him a while ago, almost mirroring him and he ended up calling me abusive therefore confusing me still. He actually left me (well i think he has as he uses the silent treatment more and more). Do you think he did this because he couldn't do it anymore to me? Or am I an abuser? See.... Im still so lost. My tummy has been in knots all week, I've ended up with diorreah(not sure on this spelling). I recon that was me shitting him out of my system and now feel a bit better.

I do apologise by the way about posts being all about "me" at the moment.

Utter contempt - yep, that pretty much sums it up. I recall thinking there and then that I could just walk out, drive away somewhere, anywhere, and start the new year without him. Instead I legged it to the shop to buy pizza bases to avert disaster and got back to find he'd 'fixed' the dough and boy did he go on about how fucking easy it was. He then made various snotty remarks about how I should have asked for help but I was stressed and panicky, wanting his kids to enjoy themselves and knowing they were getting hungry while he did sweet FA. We argued about it later and I said all I wanted was some support but instead I got contempt and a load of grief.

It was ironic that his kids always asked me if I needed any help but he rarely lifted a finger. I recall one massive argument where he put some mashed potato in a pan to reheat it and I said I didn't understand why he'd done it - surely it would burn - and he lost the plot and told me to stop interfering*. That was the night he said he wasn't in love with me but thought we should stay together because maybe something would develop. I wish I'd had the self-esteem to dump the cunt there and then but instead I carried on for another year and a bit.

Ooh this is cathartic

*I should add that everything he cooked got burnt because he'd turn the hob up to max and being a stoner his memory was shot to shit and he'd forget he was even cooking.

Heed the no apology rule in here TC!

I post a lot of me, me, me when I'm in crisis/in the thick of it. I try and come back on in between when I'm able to take more in.

Managed to get out of seeing FW tonight, was so easy. Thankyou England-Sweden. He is most confused by the Bank of Anastasia shutting up shop. I've turned down offers to fund haircut, night out and his foodshop.

A sort of friend/old flame I'm still friends with texted me to ask how I was getting on today. I told him I was in good spirits and rocking my new dress. His reply was 'bet you looked gorgeous' made me cry. I'd forgotten compliments like that. FW either picks at me or if he's complimentary, it's in a sex object way if you get me.

Confuffled, you're not an abuser, no. I'm with you on the tummy troubles - I've had IBS for as long as I've been with my ex and it continues because I've got to see him again next week (for the final pickup of his things). I am dreading it but I reckon once it's over I will start feeling much better in myself and my IBS will hopefully resolve itself.

Confluffled I asked the exact same question recently as I felt my behaviour in response to him was bordering on abusive - the mantra here is detach detach detach. And it works, it really does :)

Actually I said upthread that life with him and his kids was a thankless task but that's not true - his kids were fab and appreciative. A reflection on their mother rather than their father.

I wanted to show him how much he hurt me by showing him the same and i ended up not feeling good about myself either.

Funny enough Anastasia, I text an old flame of mine and asked him if he ever thought i was abusive when we were together and he said, ay what are you talking about? are you ok coz that was an odd thing to ask.

Sometimes you end up fighting fire with fire. It's not ideal, but what else can you do...until you disengage anyway. You aren't abusive, and as long as you don't take it to your next relationship, you'll be fine.

I didnt know what else to do. I have also learned that it's not the way to go now so will never ever repeat this. Two wrongs dont make a right.

I need to be strong and not let him get to me. We have a holiday booked in 6 weeks and have agreed to go for the children, I can't and will not take that away from them, they've been looking forward to it so much. I have one and he has 3. His youngest adores me and i adore him too. But i now have the insight to do this week and not get embroyled again.

That's true TC. On the plus side though, do you see how ashamed you are over any behaviour that borders on EA? He probably isn't. You have reacted in such a way you will change your behaviour. You don't want to be EA. There's a big difference.

It was the most awful feeling I have ever had to purposely hurt someone and that's the one thing that won't leave my tummy. My reaction, Im disgusted with myself.

I want to say sorry to him. But I know I cant coz he will come back.

TC we all worry that we are abusers (I think). We are being resourceful = being nice hasn't worked, being 'ordinary' (as far as is possible) hasn't worked, we are angy and resentful, we are trying to unravel the tangles of spaghetti at the same time as defending ourselves, of course it boils over. But it isn't abuse. It is the dance of abuse, and it is hard not to dance to the music...

Agree with the shitting them out theory btw, only my shit gets better formed, not loose. Sorry, prob TMI

Thank you Pinkpussycat. Im fighting here to stay me, but i dont know what me is anymore. I never knew i was capable of being so resentfu and horrid. Ive never felt so ashamed of my behaviour ever before. I was feisty, happy and kind. I don't know what i am anymore.

For now, just notice the dance steps :)