Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

If you find not calling him too hard to begin with, the MINUTE he says anything shitty to you HANG UP.

You say that he never has any credit to call you, so YOU are paying for HIM to call you names?

FUCK THAT!

Hang up. He calls you again, you answer. If he rants, hang up again. Repeat. If he does it more than 3 times, switch phone off (poor signal... kept cutting out then >poof< gone for an hour.... )

I did this for AGES with my Ex. It drives them BATSHIT, but also you get to see how YOU are in control of how much abuse you take. It's kind of like training him... Like some might train a puppy with a rolled up newspaper.

Hi Anastasia, I'm having an ok day so far thanks. Just finished a whole past exam paper (my arm is killing me!) and submitted it to my training provider for checking so fingers crossed feedback will be swift and good. Unfortunately our hellish neighbours have got home from holiday so not as much peace as I hoped! Grr to them. Hissy is absolutely right in how you should respond to him. Enjoy your new dress, I bet you look fab :)

umbrella such big hugs for you, sounds like you've had a horrible time of things. But you are being strong, which is great, and perhaps you should focus on that right now? Hope you're ok!

Rain here again today, but at least I have football tonight to watch. Now for a cuppa and feet up in front of the TV before I start on the inevitable house tidy.

Umbrella love, it DOES get better. It really does.

Now there has been a few comments of us NOT wanting to have new relationships EVER....

If you go back to previous threads on here, you will see that I too said this. over and over.....

Thing is, if we think, I'll never go out with another man again!, then somehow our Ex has stolen our FUTURE too.

We can't have that now can we?

all I ask is that you all consider the possibility of returning to NORMAL life one day. That you DON'T tar ALL men with the same brush. That would be tragic. It would say that our SONS too are a lost cause.

They are not. We are not.

WHEN you are ready, realising that a bit of grown-up conversation would be a good thing, start off slowly and on your terms.

Internet dating, as crap as it is at times, is a really good way for us to practice communicating with men, without all the faff of shaving our pits, putting on the slap and heels and sitting in a pub and smiling like a loon .

We sign up, start responding to emails. We learn that there are total dick heads that think that a single line of the oldest chat up in the book will get a response. There are those that go straight to being a bit mucky. So you learn to re-set your boundaries, you learn NOT to respond to these ones.

You respond to those that make an effort, you chat a bit and then if you have the ability/desire to, you arrange to meet for a coffee, no more than an hour or so. coffees are a bit meh though, and unlikely to foster the chemistry you need for a relationship to blossom, but it's good practice for you to talk to a man, to start to learn to read them again.

Accept that the first coffee you have will NOT be the love of your life, or the 5th or perhaps even the 10th. When you feel strong enough, arrange to meet for a dinner, much more conducive, and take things slowly.

You will make mistakes along the way, you will get a bit hurt sometimes, but you will toughen up, and you will learn that if X rejects YOU, then he's not right for you anyway.... Don't chase, don't stress, they wanna go? let em go. EVERY TIME!

Oh and don't forget we are ALWAYS here to sound off to about relationships, if you are not sure.

Main idea to bear in mind is that if you 'think' you may need to post to ask about it.... it's probably NOT right... so caution and listen to your instincts every time.

I'm now, apparently, in a relationship with a man that appears to be just super, great friend, fab dad and all round lovely lovely person.... still early, but i'm hopeful and Happy!

for you Hissy

I have one too - a green flag waving Nice Man. It's such a lovely thing to realise how good relationships can be. I'm over fifty and he is the first BF I've ever that that is nice to me!! It's never too late to learn that lesson.

I haven't been angry or lost my cool with anyone for over a year now... I think the therapy has worked and I am a different person now.

Ooh I'm a great believer in new relationships and at least we know the red flags to look for.

I've just seen the FW. Was going to say 'my', but I don't want ownership of him. All I've done is call his behaviour, he's asked for money, I've flat refused, he keeps asking why, I explained he doesn't get access to my cash, he names other girls (who we know etc) that would let him because they are 'nice' people - whereas I am not. He asks what my problem is - I explain -shouting, swearing etc, he says 'do you think other men don't shout?'. Some do, but not all! So we parted ways.

It's very odd seeing the confusion on their faces when you call them. He seems genuinely upset by this turn of events. He's tried to play his 'my family are shit and that's why I'm like this' card/it's a cry for help. It would have worked. But my family are equally as shit, and I don't pull the stunts he pulls, so no sympathy there. In fact BECAUSE my family are shit, I'm not mean to people. Because he isn't well at the moment, it does feel like I'm kicking him when he's down, and that's hard. I have to stay strong. I have to remember how mean he has been.

I very much appreciate your responses. HappyHissy...it's only just occurred to me that my whereabouts are none of his business and that I'm footing the bill for the abuse. Naive much!

I have switched off/ignored the phone and he has indeed gone batshit.

I will be back today.

The song for this post is 'Here Comes the Sun'. I've just had a few tears because it's so optimistic, and I feel like that today.

Nini - hope you get good feedback. I am really enjoying my dress, it's a Victoria Beckham-esque one. He's commented he's actually 'rather proud to be seen with me' - patronizing twunt. I always look lovely - which he knows -he just can't help but put me down!

i guess im a bit of a mess the last phone call with him was so tense i was trying to be reasonable he was actisomehow i didnt ng lik hes above me and im dirt. It was always like this but the past year i was happy to sit and take the blame because i left and i fell for someone and he thinks im nothing but a cheat yes that may be true but the facts remain that was my life for 10 years afraid alone scared and stressed.
it was my older boys birthday the other day i had him for a bit and he lost a little minute lego coin that ex h had just got him. I freaked out he would be mad i turned my mums house upside down i felt sick he would be scarcatic if i had to send the boy back without the coin my stomach was in knots my mums said he has no power over you now but im still afraid of the sarcasm the putdowns the you cant look after them comments.
he accused me of being rude to his mother the same one who told my little one i dont love him anymore im not rude i just dont speak i cant i wont forgive her i show no respect to my elders apparently when i pick up my kids she hides from me but no im making this all up.
I could keep going so much crap and memories and guilt also on my behalf but i do feel i can make it through.

I explained he doesn't get access to my cash, he names other girls (who we know etc) that would let him because they are 'nice' people - whereas I am not.

Your response: "OK TF, Call Chardonnay, Tina, Trixie or whoever and ASK them then. The Bank of Anastasia is now CLOSED."

He asks what my problem is - I explain -shouting, swearing etc, he says 'do you think other men don't shout?'.

Your response: Yes, but not the ones we 'keep'. We DUMP those that shout and swear and generally mis-treat.

If you can give him a dur face after that, or a totally aghast expression at his idiocy, it drives your point across MUCH more efficiently...

Your response: "OK TF, Call Chardonnay, Tina, Trixie or whoever and ASK them then. The Bank of Anastasia is now CLOSED."

Exactly what I said.

Umbrella. Your mum is right.

Please go and do the Freedom Programme. You need to snap out of this fear. he's not in your life anymore.

If his mother abuses you, you don't go there. Neither do your DC if that is what is needed.

You need to create distance between your ExH and you, real psychological distance. This man has NO power over you.

Please keep repeating this over and over.

Umbrella, please read the book at least. It will be like playing 'bingo' and you will get full house.

His mum lives in the ex marital home he moved her here 2 days after i left she just filled the gap i left...
i read one of those articles above on the EA i affected me so much it descibed my life to now...

Oh my counseller gave me another book yesterday, it was okay, the Engel Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I knew it wasn't for me though. The first few chapters were spot on, but then there's one about 'working things out' - and I thought 'pfft, I don't want to change this person and our relationship, I'm just going to RUN'.

Umbrella, I find it helpful to keep reading. I also find it useful to read what people have said about their FW's behaviour when it has been the same as his. It helps me dislike him and his behaviour, helps me to detach because it's easy to dislike your FWs if you see what I mean. And if I can dislike them, I can dislike mine.

yeah i guess the thing for me was people looking in thought we where fine the split was a shock to alot of people what do you say how do you justify and when i finally did it left everyone said what they could see and how it had been without me prompting anything i thought i was covering all so well

The thing is people tend to want to file you away as 'okay'. It's rare anyone -unless they've experienced EA or witnessed it at some level - will pick up on it. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone. Even if he were a perfectly lovely man and you didn't love him, you are still entitled to leave.

Hi

May I ask you ladies some questions. Obviously this is all from my point of view but I really am desparate for clarification on whether my ex (very fresh split up, a week ago) and I were just incompatible or if it was some sort of abuse. Gosh now I'm going to have to try to condense what was happening.

He's a right moaner.
When kid's (not ours together) do things well, he never praises only tells them to do better.
He says hurtful things to me then says he was only joking (this could be me taking things the wrong way) as he has a very dead pan face that doesnt show much emotion.
I can never seem to get my point across and always feel far more confused by the end of it all (maybe thats me not explaining myself well).
After a bit of a disagreement and it's calmed down, he then starts to get really angry and points finger at me.
He has grabbed me so tight after another disagreement until I had to scream at him to get off me. I had terrible bruises. (said he did this to stop me going on at him)
He's kicked a chair and broke it.

But what really confuses me is that he's very softly spoken most of the time.

But you see, there again I'm rather feisty and will argue my point etc.

Soooo confused.

Hope you can shed some light. If you need more explanations I'm more than willing to give them.

Thank you in advance.

Yup, confuffled. Be confuffled no more: he is abusive.

What if the time he's become very angry/physical were because we were arguing rather hotly and I just wouldn't shut up?

Yes these things are abusive confuffled and the longer you are out of the relationship the more sure you will be

jokles that aren't,
spaghetti head mess at the end of a discussion,
jabby finger making a point that is long past
inflicting physical control and pain on someone
breaking objects is a way of asserting dominance without leaving bruises...

glad you are out, now teach your DCs what a good relationship is!! thank heaven's they don't have to have anything to do with him now

you don't use physical strength to dominate someone and stop them talking. you ask them to stop, you ask again and then you leave the room if you really can't put up with it any more.

If a customer is going on at a customer service desk would they be allowed to grab and hurt them to shut them up? No, we should treat our nearest and dearest with at least as much respect as a stranger.

Put it another way...if he shouts do you hit?

No, I have never hit anyone else, it wouldn't enter my head to do so. But he didn't hit me he squeezed my arms.

Yes he is abusive and your confuffled state is the result of that. Fuffle fills up your brain with doubt and uncertainty, however it is possible to unfuffle yourself :)

The squeezing incident was about a year ago and I told him in no uncertain terms if he ever harmed a hair on my head again he'd be gone.

He does things like this now, are these still abusive or just stupid stuff that I'm over sensitive about.

I ask him not to drop his ash on the floor and he forgets and does it.
I said I was going on a diet and he comments about everything i put in my mouth.
I broke my wing mirror the other day and when I told him he said.. see im for ever telling you not to drive too near the kirb.
When pulled up about things he says that he just wasnt thinking at the time, never sorry.