Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

I itterate my earlier post.

Accept the job, do not tell H, delay the start as long as you can - 6 weeks should be doable???, stop working at the other place. Instruct the first solicitor and move out to your dads. As soon as you move out you can start your claim as a single parent etc.

I would hand your notice in at the current place and find somewhere new to rent then sort out childcare to suit. I'd look at getting a nanny/nanny share.

They are both controlling and manipulative.

Ditto RandomMess You need to get out now. I'd do it tonight, it's only going to get worse now.

The very best of luck to you, I hope it all works out for you.

I think RandomMess's post of 12.49 gives an excellent plan of action.

And take dcs to the fete. You need to do some of the fun stuff with the dcs. I know it shouldn't be a battle but if parental alienation has been going on, and by god it sounds like it, then madly you need to establish yourself as mum to your own dcs, and not some second class citizen in your own home who gets the scraps off MIL's table.

Excellent text btw. You just stand strong. You are totally right and reasonable. MIL is a fucking loon (and I don't swear!).

It sounds as if the ideal situation for your MIL would be for you to split up and him to get custody meaning she's be the main carer. She could well be working towards this aim already by planting seeds in everyone's mind that you're unfit.
You must keep the texts and a record of conversations. I agree with the advice you've had to leave, finish job, claim benefits till new job. You must be so miserable in this situation. Don't try to stay with him - these awful situations will re-occur.

Be super super super nice about your MIL and to her in your texts etc, do not give them anything to pin on you. Do not rise to any baiting by her etc.

Remain dignified, cool, calm, assertive and let MIL be the hysterical ranting lunatic that she is.

Learn to phone your phone of when you want some peace

Unfortunately your H has rather nailed his colours to the mast. Seond time in a relationship he's done that, I think you've said.

Oh god! Just tell him not to bother coming home!!

Christ, they're a pair of nut jobs!

You don't need to run your weekend plans for your children past your monster-in-law!! Since when did you answer to her?!

If it makes your life easier to verbally agree, just to shut them up - so be it.

Your "d" H is not on your side, avoid including him in any plans regarding your DC. He has no right to dictate re: childcare, or what you do with DC when he's not there.

Get yourself out of there, as soon as you can xx

Go. While he's away. Take the kids and go to your dad's. He's said they can work child are temporarily so do it. Take your dream job. The hours will change eventually to much more family friendly hours, your children will develop a close relationship with more of their family, you won't be stifled. You won't be dependent upon people who don't respect you, and who say horrible things about you to your children.

Just go. Before your dh comes back tomorrow.

If you take the job and rely on dh for childcare from 4.30 to when he goes out is there a risk that he could take dc to mil after you leave for work.

I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him to stay at home with the dc waiting for your childcare to arrive given that he is so adamantly against childcare.

Is there anyway you can put off starting the new job for a few months to get the situation with him resolved first. If you separate and he leaves the house then you can get contact and residency arranged and exclude mil from these arrangements.

Once these arrangents are in place and are settled then you would be free to change your job/ hours etc and it will be of no concern to him or mil as long as it does not impact on his contact.

I think if parental alienation is occurring then he will probably have to have supervised contact.

IMO your situation is completely intolerable, if I were you I'd be packing the bags and driving to Dad's. Like, tonight. You sound perfectly capable of sorting it all out, and you'll be the main carer in the interim before contact etc is sorted out anyway. Or it sounds as though he'd be happy to move in with her so maybe he should move.

One of the solicitors advised you to get more contact if possible before a split but you can't live like this. And of course the more hideous they are to you, the worse it looks for them...

The solicitors said that you can make a 'clause' of sorts that allows DS contact with the father (and it's not H I want to stop contact with anyway because I still believe he should see his dad) but not MIL. However I'd have to prove parental alienation etc before I could state that.

It sounds as if the ideal situation for your MIL would be for you to split up and him to get custody meaning she's be the main carer. She could well be working towards this aim already by planting seeds in everyone's mind that you're unfit

^ This exactly. I've always known that in the back of my mind. She has ALWAYS wanted us to split up, doesn't even hide it very well tbh. That is why I've never left H even when otherwise I would have left. I don't think he is as vehemently and deliberately trying to take DS away from me as her, but he is certainly taking her side, and frankly, it's disgusting of him. I don't want him to come back, don't even want to look at him.

So gather your stuff, go to your dad's now. It'll only get harder, and she'll step up the game and make things harder and harder for you, and your dh doesn't look like he'll be able (even if he were willing) to resist her.

At your dad's, your dh can see dcs without her, very easily, and you would be in control of the situation.

If you are gone when he gets back, it may bring him to his senses.

My dad is away to Portugal today for 2 weeks, that's why we spoke yesterday. It seems a big step to take just uprooting and moving away from DD school etc. Could I not stay here and just not allow H back in? The lease is and always has been in my name, the only thing he is on is the council tax register because obviously we both liable for the council tax. All his other mail (surprise surprise) goes to MIL's.

Well I would wait it out for 2 weeks so your dad is back to support you etc. Cut back on your work shifts. Very subtley change things so at to not rock the boat. Weekend visit to your sister next week for the whole weekend that kind of thing.

Be prepared to leave and go to your dad's if you need to - presumably if you had you could keep dd at her school for the time being until you got your home back and contact sorted etc?

No reason for you to leave the house if you don't want to that I can see tbh, he's never been violent has he?

I would go see the 1st solicitor/lawyer again and ask him.

It doesn't seem that things are actually getting worse, more that you've reached the end of the road with it.

I would bide your time for a few more weeks, establish yourself as primary carer, accept the new job and legally protect yourself with residency so that your H cannot take your ds to live with MIL.

Remember you both has parental responsibility the police will not interfere and demand your ds is returned to you unless you have the necessary legally enforable paperwork etc.

He is quite happy staying at his mothers, he gets everything on a plate, all food cooked, ironing done, free childcare during the day when he is "tired" and no hassle from her at all (because she WANTS to have him back living there, you see). This has been a huge problem in our relationship because he knows he doesn't need to work at anything, or talk through anything, because he can flounce up to MIL and get premium hotel service and "no hassle" at MIL's. So anything I ever have a problem with regarding him is "starting" or "harassing" according to him. Run back to mummy. He used to have more respect for me years ago until DS was a baby but now his main alliance is most definitely to his mother. Although he hates the way she tries to smother him too and tell him what to do. It seems like this pattern he's been doing for years - stick with the wife until I get 'hassle' . Then at the first sign of 'hassle' run to my mothers (on some stupid premise) and only do minimum childcare for my work and duties and obv still pay bills. Then hopefully it will all have blown over by the time mother gives me 'hassle' or is overbearing (she is very very overbearing towards H), and I can then go back to wife. It used to really bother me A LOT but since we don't really get on in general the past year or so I've welcomed the space from H being here tbh, with just me and the DC.

Sorry that was a bit ranty, but the point is that I don't think he'd care much about leaving our house and moving to MIL. Don't think he'd put up any fight, so maybe I could just stay here.

He said something today about if I take the job I'd be confusing DD (!) because I've always worked days. I said do you not think the whole miserable situation created by your mother is confusing to DD, and if you leave because of it then it will be a hell of a lot more confusing to both DC than me changing hours (wasn't trying to get him to stay by saying that, just making point). He then said if we split then yes it would be confusing but he will be getting DS "exactly half of the week as the law says, regardless of what you think of my mother". Did feel a bit reassured that he said "exactly half the week" rather than all of the week - if only he got his own place away from MIL he could see him exactly half of the week in a legal arrangement if he wished and I wouldn't mind. But as long as she lives, she will bully me and he will feel able to copy her and bully me at times too. .

I know for a a fact he would not even want to have DS full time if he didn't have his mother on 24 hr childcare and housework standby.

argh.

Did go to fete by the way. Got a bit stressed because of all that's going on but they enjoyed it.

Been lurking on this thread to see how you're getting on OP - best wishes to you.

Your H and MIL sound absolutely evil but this made me - he hates the way she tries to smother him too and tell him what to do - ah karma is a bitch - he will have to live with her shit permanently at this rate!

Your strength is amazing. Hang in there, well done for going to the fete :)

Go back to the first solicitor on Monday and get advice on the job situation. You need to get control of your life back but it may be that you have to let this job go to secure your position as main carer unless you can delay start. I know it's a PITA but you need to play the long game here. There will be other jobs if it comes to it.

Can you try and stop the arguing with your dh for a bit.

"I'm cutting down my hours, I want to spend more time with the dcs"

You need to focus on getting yourself in a strong position so that "half the time" will be half the nights not half of the waking hours too, you need to minimise the affect your MIL has on your dc she will posion your ds.

That is honestly why I think leaving and moving to your Dads and breaking contact with MIL for a while would be in the dc best interest. Honestly I would let your h visit the dc in your Dads home until he took you to court and was legally awarded his contact time.

You need to think about the long term plan.