the 'he's having an affair' script

[chocoraisin]

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
• Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
• I love you, but I'm not in love with you
• I need some space to work out my feelings
• You are not attractive to me any more
• I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
• You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
• I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...
• You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
• Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
• Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
• I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
• You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
• Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)

On one hand there is a lot of thought goes in to it but on the other hand they really are thick if they think we'll never find out. I reckon I would be better at hiding an affair than any man I've ever met!

Fire - that made me laugh too!

He did get a bit carried away talking about Barack's latest missives...

The whole thing was more Thick of it than West Wing, gratifyingly.

Snort - Firepile!

Now don't be too hard on the poor man. It's obviously your own fault for being cloth-eared and hearing 'I'm checking on the ELECTION' when he was telling you he was checking on his ERECTION.

Simple enough mistake to make . . .

< snort >

Am I too late to join the party?

I have a few to add to this list:
. asking me to keep my pubic hair shorter
. asking for anal sex (I refused), we used condoms for medical reasons - the OW hasn't had children, on the pill
. asking me to help sort out his skin tags
. ignoring me and the DC/not wanting to be as involved
. buying new clothes (I know that has already been mentioned)
. going out on the evening my mother died, after a long illness
. going from talking about her all the time to not mentioning her at all

Oh god, I have been such a fool!

oh god - going out at inappropriate times, check!! Left me at home for hours when his own ill mother (who had just had an op and been in hospital a fortnight) came to stay, he 'went to the gym' while me, my MIL and her DH had dinner. I now know OW lives one street from the home we shared revolting excuse of a man.

Being told I was boring, no fun anymore, always tired (working full time, moving and doing up new house, looking after kids).
Away all the time with work, never coming home. Leaving us whilst on holiday to go back to work
Not even coming home the day we moved house - leaving me to do it all myself as he 'forgot' the date and was working
Always complaining about state of house, nit picking

Then telling me it was my fault because I never loved him

One of xh's excuses for creating a 'love child' with his mistress was "you didn't want anymore kids!"
Great so you don't bother to discuss it with your wife you go off and shag someone else, well done!

That sounds way more angsty than I am.

I've just had a 'thank god he left' party.
I'm enjoying being single.

Elastamum, it is so helpful when they tell you what you are really feeling, isn't it? Such insight!

Apparently, I never loved my h. Just "wanted the status of being his wife."

I was told that I lost my sense of humour. Also that he was stressed out with work and struggling to email and text customers while on the road. Didnt stop him texting her 100 times a day while in the road though....

This is all making me feel a bit sick. I was at an event with ex and his new (absolutely lovely) fiancé today and I know 100% that he is at it with a colleague who was present I hope she reads this thread.

Why dont you tell her Namby? Or make sure she finds out? You dont owe him anything and she sounds like she has no idea what she is getting into.

The script is a pile of shite

Landphil Could you expand on that insightful and intelligent comment please?

Well when I say 100% I mean because of "the script" not because of actual evidence. So I'll need to sit it out I think