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Original poster

the 'he's having an affair' script

167 replies

chocoraisin · 01/06/2012 13:10

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

  • I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
  • Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
  • I love you, but I'm not in love with you
  • I need some space to work out my feelings
  • You are not attractive to me any more
  • I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
  • You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
  • I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional... Hmm
  • You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
  • Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
  • Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
  • I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
  • You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
  • Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)
OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 01/06/2012 20:01

oh god, yes I forgot about the depression thing! I had to understand his need to be out at all hours at the gym, and his inability to come to bed, his permanent exhaustion, his shifty behaviour in all possible ways actually... all of it could be trumped with the 'I'm depressed' card. It was like a get out of jail free card!

You're behaving inconsiderately - I'm depressed
You're spending a lot of time at the gym - endorphins help me, I'm depressed
You don't want to have sex with me - I'm depressed
You don't talk to me - I'm depressed

mmm. Yeah, 'depression' came up a lot. Funny how it all resolved immediately once he was thrown out!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 01/06/2012 20:15

Love slambang's post!

Oh the presents too!

I got ex-DH a present of a computer game console that a lot of his friends had. His reaction was "oh." When he came home from work he told me, in some surprise, "apparently that's a really good thing to have!" as if I wouldn't have known that before I had so craply, impulsively, bought it Hmm Suddenly he was a bit more impressed with it. To be fair he wasn't a computer games person at that point, but they were in their infancy in those days, and I had used the last of my savings on it - it was the IPAD of its day. When his friends came over they all went mad over it. Their approval made it OK but when it was just from me it was shit.

My birthday later that year he bought me a camera. I was pleased but a bit bemused as whenever I needed a camera I borrowed his and he never minded. He left me 2 weeks later. Bless him for making sure I had a camera when he dumped me! (It was not as expensive as his, of course)

sarahseashell · 01/06/2012 20:23

oh yes the presents!

I got an apron!! Shock Grin I remember thinking WTAF at the time! he left a couple of weeks later

arthriticfingers · 01/06/2012 20:34

Presents!
Beat this.
Had never got many presents in 30 years.
Suddenly got a Givenchy perfume. Here's the review: Givenchy Amarige Mariage - Lovely Life ... is actually an anagram (Amarige - Mariage) which identifies eternal love with happiness in marriage.
Shall we laugh, women, or cry :)

Original poster
chocoraisin · 01/06/2012 21:17

slambang

you nailed it - that's what I was looking for Grin I'm at the 'she's the love of my life/issuing papers stage'. Not quite six months from discovery.

Wondering if/when we'll get to the 'I've made a mistake' stage... but he's followed every other bit of the script you described. Ahh, there's a funny comfort in knowing you can predict the seemingly unpredictable. Thanks!

OP posts:
HerMajAnyFucker · 01/06/2012 21:30

as long as you don't fall for the next stage, choco

sarahseashell · 01/06/2012 21:31

yep choco you will. you'll just be Hmm by that point Smile

Original poster
chocoraisin · 01/06/2012 21:42

don't worry I won't fall for it. I'll be far too sorted and fabulous by then, it'll be no more than the irritating buzz of a moquito in my ear Grin ready to be dealt with by a resounding slap!

OP posts:
HerMajAnyFucker · 01/06/2012 21:44

goodo

Firepile · 01/06/2012 22:07

Presents! Am I allowed to mention him buying her a present while we were on holiday? He had to ask me for the money to pay for it... (and the aforementioned marching band played on.)

sarahseashell · 01/06/2012 22:11

Shock what was it firepile?

Firepile · 01/06/2012 22:15

Was a piece of memorabilia relating to one of her heroes. Not expensive, but I was carrying the spending money. He was very excited about it.

HerMajAnyFucker · 01/06/2012 22:18

yuk

sarahseashell · 01/06/2012 22:19

how awful for you what an absolute dick Shock
goes to show just how appallingly callous cheaters can be in the throes of it all

Firepile · 01/06/2012 22:39

Thank you! It is (still) really hard to reconcile all of this to the fantastic man I thought I'd married. Imagine that's true for all of us though! The arsery really is spectacular...

sarahseashell · 02/06/2012 11:34

yes firepile I feel the same.
I remembered also that he used to say I had changed - he said this a lot and I was like Confused
just wondered if anyone else had this towards the end?

skyebluesapphire · 02/06/2012 12:17

After he moved out he bought a whole new set of clothes, shoes, coats etc "to boost his confidence and smarten himself up". He never showed any interest in clothes when he was with me...

Firepile · 02/06/2012 12:31

That victim blaming really is hard to deal with, Sarah. And so hurtful and unfair (anyone else conscious of sounding like a toddler railing at the injustice of it all?).

I didn't get the chat about changing though. Instead all the things I did and had done for years became sources of criticism (eg too much food, too needy and dependent, too controlling). Even the bits where I was trying to be supportive were chucked back at me as evidence of me undermining him. Unbelievable...

Artsand · 02/06/2012 12:44

No, I didn't get the chat about changing either. I was told that I hadn't grown and changed at all as a person, since he first met me (in 15 years). This was a bad thing, of course. Not that I agreed there was any truth in what he said.

And this is all in retrospect. I wish I'd had this board back then.

BalloonSlayer · 02/06/2012 12:54

Same here Artsand.

If I'd posted:

I've just got engaged to this fantastic man, I love him soooooo much, I am soooooo happy. We went to his Christmas party last night and there was this woman from one of his regional offices. She was draped all over him all night. She never spoke to me. At the end when the lights went up, they were nowhere to be seen. People kept asking where they were. It was really embarrassing. I didn't know anyone and he was nowhere to be found. Eventually they came back. He said that he had taken her out to show her his car, and that she had made a pass at him but he had turned her down. I got upset and cried, and he got annoyed with me for being upset. We were invited to a party in someone's room and I wouldn't go because I was too upset and embarrassed. He behaved as if I really had let him down by being so silly. How do I stop over-reacting, and get over this?

. . . you can imagine what the replies would have been, and I would have saved myself loads of heartache, a divorce and shitloads of money.

skyebluesapphire · 03/06/2012 13:34

I had a letter stating that I am the person I am and that I cannot change and that he has put up with it for too long and he has 2 choices, to accept it or to not accept it..... (shame it took him 10 years to realise that)

also, the house was a disgrace - see that ones popped up a few times here....

and I organised and controlled his entire life......

just a few of the reasons that were thrown at me.....

Abitwobblynow · 03/06/2012 14:18

Oooh Garlic now that is one I overlooked, you are so right!

Can't you do something about your hair/clothes/teeth/nails/voice/car/education/ambition (whatever feature of OW he's currently in love with)?

WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB AND STOP BEING SO USELESS? (OW - MBA high flyer who 'doesn't need anyone'. Still a selfish immature waste of space though)

  • eeer, because I am, as we agreed, being a SAHM looking after the children the ones you claim to adore, and [stupidly] running and enabling your complicated life, the life I am just realising you have set up in order to avoid intimacy????

[Well, that is changing. And guess what: he doesn't like it!]

Hiding - those eyes are an ABSOLUTE clue. They are dead, like a sharks.

Firepile · 03/06/2012 14:27

Skybluesapphire, I was "controlling" too, apparently. Utter bollocks. All part of the script! It means "my ability to do whatever (and whoever) I like has been constrained by living with you".

Firepile · 03/06/2012 14:37

And also the reason why he couldn't come back was because I wouldn't change. Total failure to accept responsibility for their behaviour - all part of the script, I'm afraid.

Problem is 1. It is really hard to hear this as it is so hurtful that the supposed love of your life can think this; 2. It is so bonkers that you can spend ages using it tosupport the theory that he's gone mad and sooner or later will realise his mistake and come back. Neither of these helps the abandoned partner to detach, and it is bloody miserable ime.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 03/06/2012 17:06

yep, tick to me being controlling. Sigh. I knew there would be lots of common statements. It's sort of reassuring in a weird way to know that the insults are just part of a script... in hindsight at least. I agree with you fire it doesn't stop it bloody hurting at the time though.

OP posts: