the 'he's having an affair' script

[chocoraisin]

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
• Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
• I love you, but I'm not in love with you
• I need some space to work out my feelings
• You are not attractive to me any more
• I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
• You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
• I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...
• You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
• Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
• Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
• I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
• You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
• Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)

this is very interesting. Agree whoever said reading this could have saved them lot of money

The cruel bit :
painful "down below" but they've ruled out testicular/prostrate cancer.
(didn't rule out overworked due to whore)

I too thought maybe mid life crisis....

Yes to withdrawing from "my" friends. He had always socialised enthusiastically before.

-the old "things may change in time". It did. I found some one else

This is my favourite line of this thread :o

My list, adapted from Saffy's very recognisable one-

Getting home later, after 'meetings'
Never complimenting me when I was all dressed up
Never asking me how my day had been
Getting up and leaving the room as soon as I walked in it
Moaning about every household chore and making a mountain out of a molehill - even taking out the rubbish became equivalent to a hike up Everest.
Taking the kids side on everything - however outrageous- our biggest presenting issue at the time
Superglued to the mobile, at all times
Going away on business , texting once to say he'd arrived but phone was nearly flat so he wouldn't be texting again.
Being extremely rude and sneering and dismissive of my family
Refusing to pick me up
Staying out later and later
Saying "Of course I'd never have an affair" (hurt little boy expression) "I'm not that kind of man"
Saying "I can be civil if you can"
Never wanting sex, and blaming the state of our relationship (ie me, not him; eg it was because we had moved house and he was therefore depressed)
Never coming to bed, and staying up till 3 often
Constantly on the net
Complaining when he was unable to go away on business during a phase when business activity was low

after 10 years of living here, in his letter he wrote that the people we socialised with were my friends not his friends and he had no real friends here. He claimed that I stopped him from seeing his "genuine friends" (ie the OW and her husband.....) and then moved in with them... and then claimed that he was much happier living in a town "with so much more going on and everything within easy reach" after 10 years of loving it living in a village because it was so quiet and safe for daughter to play.

the mindset changes completely, so that everything they were happy with before, suddenly becomes all your fault and they want the complete opposite....

My list of responses

Get your fucking stuff and get the hell out!

No I do not want to talk about it you have cheated therefore it is over.

No I should not be gratefull you have never hit me you turd.

Of course I will remain in the house, we have 4 children.

No I dont want to go on holiday with you to talk.

I am not throwing away 18 yrs YOU ARE ffs.

Yes of course the children will be upset,who is responsible for that?

Yes i did "try to control you" becauase I didnt want my husband to smoke weed and drink whilst he looked after our children.

No i wont tell your sons because you cant face them,you do it.

Dont tell people we are on a break because that is a lie.

Pick up ALL your stuff dont just pack a little bag. I want your wardrobe space.

Finally, some time later...

Yes I am seeing someone else,what did you think I would do? and that does not make me a whore and of course I wasnt seeing him whilst we were married,that was you remember???

Jeeeeeeeeze.

Does anyone else realise people were trying to warn them?

He's a charmer with the laydeez (really? how come I've never noticed?)

He gets on really well with women (ditto?!)

Such a shame you couldn't come to the work conference/party (partners 'not invited')

Yes, he's a bit of a lad (why didn't I know what they meant??)

It's so nice that he stays close to old friends (a female one, that is)

No, I don't know where he is. Somebody was looking for Sharon, have you seen her?

I sometimes think he doesn't appreciate what a lovely wife you are.

You could have done so much better!

He's a very private person, isn't he.

... poor me, I just didn't get it

"ledkr Mon 04-Jun-12 10:05:48
My list of responses: Pick up ALL your stuff dont just pack a little bag. I want your wardrobe space." Love this

and also "Yes I am seeing someone else,what did you think I would do? and that does not make me a whore and of course I wasnt seeing him whilst we were married,that was you remember???"

The cruel bit :
painful "down below" but they've ruled out testicular/prostrate cancer.
No, mine actually did have everything from prostate cancer to diabetes.
Of course, when the shit did hit the fan (he actually went to have blood tests!!! - all clear, naturally), it was all because I did not want to have sex with him, so he had 'got out of the habit

I think the criticisms are the worst...Trying to find fault...

I was told I was folding towels wrong (eh?); that I deliberately left things on the floor to trip him up (umm...no...its not my fault that you weren't looking where you going); that I deliberately didn't leave enough water on the kettle for him to make a cup of tea an hour later (poor thing...imagine having fill the kettle YOURSELF); and apparently it's my fault that he crashed the car because i should have changed my plans to suit him driven him....

The list is endless...

Can relate to the towels. My crimes included leaving lights on.

firepile thats terrible...how could you...

When I asked for reasons why my stbxh was having an affair. I came up against of lots of I don't know. One day he came home from work and told me I was not to get upset with this but he had been thinking and one of the reasons he was unhappy was because the lights were always left on. I thanked him for digging deep and suggested he could have maybe erm..turn them off

My H wasn't particularly critical of me over the years he was actually having the affair (too much guilt?), which is why I had no idea.

He was, however, horrible to the DC, which is worse, I reckon.

Post revelation it turned out he'd followed the script to the letter in his head.

so much common ground - I can tick off about another 3 on here including late to bed, herculean effort to put bins out (the only job he did) & lots of time on computer. And interest in running, lack of interest in sex.

Also I didn't trust him enough, which is why it was my fault he had an affair

One in the news at the moment - poor Mylene Class's husband... apparently told her on her birthday that he 'just didn't want to be married anymore' and walked out. Together 10 years, married for 6 months, two small girls, no prior warning for her that anything at all was amiss.

If the papers are right, he also secretly bought a flat just before. If he's not see about with someone else within the month, I'll eat my Spanx.

ML - talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel!!

But yeah, things that they have always accepted as being part of you suddenly become faults so bad that they were forced to shag OW

Wouldnt it be interesting if someone like M Klass said "well neither do i so whats happening with the dd's?" Its always the blokes who get to go off and start their lives a fresh.

Men dont just leave. They dont. Mr Myleene has already got her replacement lined up, I guarantee it. He has said that they had problems before they got married, sound familiar? Why the fuck get married then?! Would it have anything to do with the fact that she is worth alot and by marrying her he could demand a hefty settlement when he left? I rather suspect that #2 was in the wings when the got married, the calculating bastard

I will be accused of being sexist there but I have known many marital breakdowns where the man left and there was always ALWAYS another woman in the wings. He may not have slept with her (one of my dads friends was furious when his wife divorced him for adultery because he hadnt actually had sex with OW until the day after he told his wife about her so it wasnt adultery ), but there will always be someone else involved.

'Getting up and leaving the room as soon as I walked in it
Siding with the children '

I had forgotten about those!

Picking up on anything the children did and blaming it on my "poor parenting", picking holes in my appearance, purposely arguing the opposite case if I dared to give an opinion after watching a film, and my personal favourite, saying "don't you think it's really sad that neither of us will get to sleep with anyone else in our lives?". Should have set the alarm bells ringing but when you're a trusting mug...

Abdelia "don't you think it's really sad that neither of us will get to sleep with anyone else in our lives?"

You should have said "it is for me cos you are shite"

Had to add mine.

(Before separation and divorce)

I stay up half the night because I'm struggling with your shift pattern
You need to see a therapist and sort yourself out
She's like a sister!!! Her BF is a head fuck and she needs to confide in someone
I've never had sex with her
You can have intimate male friends if you want - it's the grown up way and I trust you implicitly
You're only uptight because I won't fuck you
if you leave me I will not let our DD live with you
and so on and on and on??..

(After discovery and separation)

(to our DD) "your mum's in a weird place"
I didn't send you the anonymous letter about the affair
I don't know if she is the love of my life or if you were
i didn't have sex with her until the day I left and our sex life is great
OW hates you and thinks you're weak
Yes i did steal money from your account
I am genuinely pleased you have met someone else

Mad. Absolutely mad.

The lights! Of course! I had forgotten that particular crime.
Now imperfect towel folding - that really is bad - how did he put up with such heinous behaviour for so long