the 'he's having an affair' script

[chocoraisin]

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
• Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
• I love you, but I'm not in love with you
• I need some space to work out my feelings
• You are not attractive to me any more
• I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
• You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
• I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...
• You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
• Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
• Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
• I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
• You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
• Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)

mmm I can see what you mean garlic. Definitely the combo of blaming and emotional/physical distance is a bad one.

I recall night after night of sitting in separate rooms while one (or both of us) whiled away the hours on FB/mumsnet/the mobile phone (insert technological device of your choice here) and it wasn't good. Probably in the early stages it could have been solved by the mutual concern you describe But when you get to the point were my H would berate me for posting online about my loneliness because he thought mumsnet was the devil but immediately disappear to chat online with his OW himself, instead of actually try to communicate with me in person... I think that's when a road bump in the relationship had tipped over into 'leave the fucker' territory...

Oh and I can add - spending lots of time at "the Gym," home late from work every night. When I protested that I hardly ever saw him he claimed that he was doing it to make himself more attractive for ME.

To be fair, he did get more muscley arms, but he might well have got those by doing lots of press-ups.

I have to say there was obsolutely no mentionitis with my DH's affair, everything was done in absolute secret, right down to second mobile phone. The affair coincided with his busiest time at work so I did not suspect anything when he worked late and the rest of the time, it was conducted at lunchtimes etc. Obviously he was always too busy to go to lunch with me but always made time for OW .

When do I have time for an affair?

Its very easy for them to take half days, invent conferences, seminars and off site meetings - it seems many affairs are conducted during work hours.

The evenings are then spent texting/online chatting to OW.

"Hits 40 and suddenly starts taking an interest in health and fitness, gets a personal trainer, face creams, and new clothes.
Works late, constantly, and regularly has to stay away at short notice. Never says what hotel he is in.
Dead eyes. You know that look, like a reptile. No emotion in there."

Exactly

I love you as the mother of my children
I love but I'm not in love with you

Also he couldn't resist mentioning her and what they had done together, by 'transferring' and being able to mention by talking of a 'friend' or friend of a friend.

I used to say he couldn't have time to have an affair, and how often that comes up on here.

I agree there are more red flags than just 'I'm not sure I'm in love, I'm not sure this is working any more', which is why I'm saying you need to be a bit cautious about the script. It may be signalling an OP in most cases, but not always IMO.

Red flags that would worry me far more than a partner having a wobble would be: mentionitis, suddenly being into grooming, buying new items, being evasive about where they are when formerly straightforward, any form of secretive texting/emailing/deleting histories of anything.

Working late and having time for an affair are not necessarily red flags, I work late and have plenty of time for an affair (indeed, even meet nice men I could have one with), but I don't.

Whoo, counting, that's chilly! I seriously wouldn't want to know anyone so calculated.

Mysterious changes of passwords for credit card and bank accounts. H reactivated an old credit card account in secret and I never knew about it as it was all dealt with online.

The same goes for email and mobile phones. My H never put a passcode until he began his affair and then when he did, he said it was for security purposes.

Sitting in car in drive for ages when home - tick - FFS was there nowhere else they could have parked?
'I swear on the children's lives my life is open and honest' - tick -
Dead eyes - tick - the worst :(

Being defensive and angry when you ask if they're having an affair - an innocent man would be bewildered and would want to reassure you.

Oh yes, phone being kept on his person, at all times.

Other evidence of detaching, I think that's what it was, such as giving money for me to buy my own Christmas and birthday presents, where he had previously put in a lot of thought.

Finding fault with everything.

Yes to the presents - either OTT presents or crappier than usual presents/cash.

Also, siding with the DC instead of with you.

presents stopped altogether. Giving birthday/anniversary presents in his opinion was 'unecessary' or 'frivolous' or I was materialistic for expecting them. If I organised a celebration, it was disapproved of.

yes, I got £50 cash for my 40th (although to be fair I had asked everyone for money to buy one nice piece of jewellery), but he also gave me cash for Christmas and the last birthday too. For her birthday, he bought her a nice painting that she wanted..... and got her friend to buy the other one - as he wanted her to have both of them.....

phone on person at all times, took it to the loo, the utility room, kept it by the bed overnight.

also went from going to bed before or at same time as me, to going to bed an hour later than me....

Yeah, I got the going to bed later thing as well, that's how they have time to have an affair when we don't think they do.

A longterm boyfriend when i was much younger suddenly went weird on me. Not being available, when i did contact him saying i was harassing him! Accusing me of wanting to have sex with other men at university etc despite it not even occurring to me and telling him so repeatedly.

Eventually we split up but it became clear to me years later (probably because of what I've read on here) that he was seeing someone else. They had a relationship for a while straight after we split up but i think he regretted it some time later. Too late! Id moved on!

Yes to bed at different times.

Big yes to mentionitis. My friend still refers to him practically hiring a marching band. Including disturbing "jokes" about the possibility of me getting off with her (she identifies as gay) and the reverse beard manoeuvre ("of course nothing's going on, she's gay").

And picking fights. Loads of stuff about me being needy, anxious and paranoid-usually when denying anything was wrong / he was having an affair.

He also became obsessed with a female singer in a laughable teenage fanboy stylee. Bit embarrassing for a man in his mid-40s. But a sign of transferred affection I think. She stood for OW (though likely looks better in a state of partial undress )

Phone is practically ingested and if you dare to even look you get laughed at (Cos look darling their is nothing, cos he's deleted it all!!) or a blazing row is caused which totally redirects the topic onto your faults!

Having a wash /shower when he comes in. Joining the gym yet not loosing a lb. or. Becoming so vain and anal about how his naked body looks.

Needing time to himself cos he works soooo hard. Not being understood by you. Distancing himself from you to suddenly being overly attentive.

A glut of female Facebook friends with security the pentagon would be proud of. Yet again no messages or if so then your imagining it, it's too much chick lit/Rom coms etc etc.

The list is endless!

To summarise many many MN threads, the steps are ...

Faced with suspicions "of course I'm not having an affair. I love you."
Faced with evidence. "I'm not having an affair. Shut up."
Faced with incontrovertible proof. "I'm not having an affair. You're mad."
Faced with being kicked out. "Yes there is another OW but we haven't done anything. It's all emotional. I'm so confused"
Faced with not being allowed back home. "Actually, she's the love of my life and I never loved you."
Faced with divorce. "I'm madly in love with her. You are an evil bitch."

6 months to 2 years later. "I made a terrible mistake. I love you.Can I come back?"

Oh and the old classic when names of close friends are mentioned! I love her like a sister!

Surgically attached to mobile phone and coming to bed later than me were the big red flags (with hindsight) for me.

yes, it is always with hindsight isnt it.... I can see it all looking back (now that I have seen the mobile phone bills...) but at the time would have trusted him on daughters life that he would never ever cheat on me......

SO much on this thread resonates

sudden interest in appearance, new work clothes, gym PT etc.
starting rows (makes them feel better about what they're doing) over such trivial/ridiculous things that you feel
glued to phone (passworded of course)
increase in work events - coming home later/earlier than normal
starting to imply there are 'problems' in your relationship (in a vague way) to create general impression it's not great (as this is what they're telling OW)
lots of time on computer
spending ages out 'running' at weekends
blaming 'depression'/work stress for strange behaviours
trouble committing to future plans eg booking holiday
didn't want me to keep a diary, all of a sudden (might keep track of the lies?)
sudden interest in new things eg ipod

I didn't see it at all at the time though! no mentionitis in my case, although there was "people at work think..."

me too skyebluesaphire totally not the 'type' and used to condemn others (quite vociferously) for cheating

Slambang