the 'he's having an affair' script

[chocoraisin]

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
• Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
• I love you, but I'm not in love with you
• I need some space to work out my feelings
• You are not attractive to me any more
• I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
• You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
• I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...
• You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
• Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
• Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
• I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
• You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
• Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)

just had to add
I don't love you enough to be faithful
Your paranoid and needy( he had had a few flings)
You made me marry you and have 4 children... i was too young....27 YRS later
he decides this ..WTF

Just re-read some posts I made on here at the time and found this.....

"I didnt want to have sex with you incase you had another miscarriage" has got to be the biggest bastardly thing to say, ever.

So you decided to fuck someone else instead? How fucking considerate of you.

Cunt.

Can I join in?
Apparently I was boring, dressed funny, embarrassing, obviously having an affair.
I once bought him clothes, which he loved at first and then never wore them, thinking back OW must have been upset
Ex, a city wanker, told me spouses weren't invited to work do's, I then took our ds to the bank's children's christmas party which involved taking him to see where Daddy worked, and yep, there she was, unable to meet my eyes, unable to talk to me and bloody petrified. I just knew....
When he came home, and quizzed me on why I was looking so good that day, I realised she thought I was some old frump. I wasn't, I was actually beautiful in those days..HAHAHA
Unfortunately for that sappy cow, and for this even sappier cow, there were many others and it took me a while to see it and divorce that fucker.
I also got fab pressies towards the end, when previously he hadn't even bothered...
And yes, the bloody phone, and secret email addresses.

And oh yes, I was a lazy money grabbing bitch

Great idea for a thread, choco

I had:

Mobile phone glue-itis
Mentionitis
Going to bed later than me
Extra hours at work
Withdrawal of affection/sex
Detaching from DD
The reptilian cold eyes
The goodbye hug
New clothes, but particularly a change in style of pants
Getting him to commit to some dates when we I could book a summer holiday was like pulling teeth
Messy house
Leaving lights on

But mainly this vague air of dissatisfaction with everything I did/said/cooked etc, that was never voiced but had me feeling incredibly paranoid and unsettled.

Not me but BIL

She never "knew what her shift pattern was".
Never having any money but must have has magic pockets whenever booze was on offer.
Avoidance of BILs family
No more mutual friends

Towards then end some DV/EA of BIL

But the clincher was when she disappeared for a week having failed to redezvous with BIL. He contacted thr police and Missing Persons only to find out from her Amazon account she was in Wales with OM.

I think BILs crimes included:

Not being rich enough
Not drinking enough
Not being 'passionate' enough -if by passion you mean screaming rows and DV.

it's all very familiar.

One thing my mum pointed out last week, was although I don't see that there was EA in my relationship, after I got pg and his affair was going on I came home in Nov and stood in her kitchen sobbing. Why?

Because this is how he made me feel: "Why would he want to touch me mum? Look at me, I'm fat and disgusting. I feel completely worthless and gross... I don't have anything he would want to be near. He's right, being pregnant is just a horrible mistake and now I have at least another two years to get through before I'll ever be attractive again."

She thinks making anyone feel that disgusting and worthless = result of EA. 'Normal' relationships don't make one partner filled with despair and self loathing, blaming themselves for being too disgusting to love. I see what she means. And that makes me sad :(

Good point choco, I hadn't thought of it like that but the letter I had from my husband was nasty and had me sat around crying for days that it was all my fault for being so horrible and driving him away. He made me feel worthless and that nobody would ever love me as I'm so horrible. The letter said he had been unhappy for years. Never felt appreciated. I walked all over him. I never wanted to be home. I watched too much tv. The house was a disgrace.

He destroyed my life by walking out then destroyed me with that letter. I kept crying that I was a bad person......

And I'm really not.....

Me too, Skyebluesapphire. No letter, but I remember every word he said. It smashed my heart to pieces.

It helps to recognise it as emotional abuse.

But still hard to live with.

Yes, realising it is emotional abuse is very hard.

so true - this thread is great actually for recognising some of the EA that went on. I got a goodbye shag rather than hug. Very hard to understand how people can treat someone so cruelly it has put me off any other relationship so far but then again time alone is probably good after EA because life is so much calmer and happier now.

After I found out about the affair I was then 'sanctimonious'

seashell - I got that too.... we had a "date" on our 10th anniversary, it was supposed to be the first of many dates... it went well, one thing led to another..... then 5 days later I had the nasty letter ending it. and of course it said that he had given me the wrong impression by his "stupid actions" the other night....... and that because of that I had got my hopes raised up again and was putting too much pressure on him, so he ended it rather than carry on......

arsehole

1. Always on then internet but closed the top when I go near him.
2. Started dressing down stairs on a morning
3. Came to bed when I've fallen asleep
4. Took telephone calls in the garden
5. Went out a moments notce to 'collect/sell' stuff but never any money to show for it (bikes not anything fishy)
6. Always home late on a Friday and doesnt answer your calls. He finises work at 3.30pm on a Friday but was never home before 6pm.
7. Kept making unrealistic promises to the children the weekend before he left
8. Everything the Dc and I did was wrong
9. DD started singing Daddy's got a girlfriend, which he would yell at

10. Wrote his name in my DC's birhtday card to me rather than buy one himself 11. And finally the worst of all signed our DD's birthday card with his name rather than Daddy

Good riddance!!!!

Oh yes, the new personal modesty. So hurtful. This man watched me giving birth to the children WE created, and suddenly he didn't want me seeing him naked and shutting bathroom doors (ensuite).

Now, if THAT didn't tell me... but I really was in a different place then, and believed him when he said he was depressed and disillusioned with our M. Of course you were, dear. No way I could possibly match up to that exciting new * * * *

Oh, and the hugging the edge of the bed so we didn't touch.

There is nothing more lonely than being alone in a relationship.

Just realised I tick all the boxes for 'having an affair'.

Getting a personal trainer - check

Going on a diet - check

Buying new clothes - check

Secret conversations - check

Hiding my phone - check

My DP proposed three months ago and I am losing weight for his DB's brother's wedding in September and mine next year

We are going on holiday hence the new clothes.

Secret conversations - talk about my wedding dress

Hiding my phone - photos from the dressmaker of prototypes of my wedding dress.

Bugger! Is he going to get a private detective?

But yep! My ExDH ticked all the boxes.

No one buys separate birthday cards for their kids

What do you mean, Enragia ?

oh sorry i misread this
"10. Wrote his name in my DC's birhtday card to me rather than buy one himself
"

was feeling strangely inadequate that we both write "Mum and dad" in cards to our kids!

I can relate to a lot on here... mine were:

"I can't beleive you're making this all about you - I'm just really stressed about my new job!" - When quizzed on his sudden withdrawl from me.

Mobile phone always facing down on sofa, table, bed etc.

Obsessive logging out of Facebook, email etc on home PC

Going away with work and not answering the phone or texting.

Not answering the phone when I called, but answering the phone withon two seconds flat if someone else rang when I was with him.

Mobile in bathroom, on toilet, in bath, when changing DD's nappy.

Phone face down
Phone always on his person - even slept with it under his pillow
Had to go to meet 'Brian' (I'd never heard of him before)to revise for promotion assessment
Speaking to same 'Brian' on the phone in the house went into another room and definitely wasn't the tone of someone on the phone to a male colleague
Aggressive when questioned (or even when I looked at him when on his phone)
Most common contact on phone was 'John Smith' who I knew was an actual colleague for work .. din't delve deeper until I found the texts with kisses on the end and then they were all deleted
Spent an entire train journey texting 'Derek' with a soppy look on his face and his phone tipped up so I couldn't see the screen
Didn't have time for an affair (went on fake training and fake conference)

Oh yes, forgotten that. Phone always going to answer machine.

Mine said he'd signed up to emails sent from the US democrats so I wouldn't question blackberry activity in the middle of the night.

I am laughing in shock at that Fire!

The thought that goes into this is quite amazing, and yet we are the paranoid ones......!

ROAR. At Barack being co conspirator.