the 'he's having an affair' script

[chocoraisin]

Hi all,

Just occurred to me that I read threads on here (my own included) all the time where the wife/partner doesn't think their partner/DH is having an affair, and people come along and say 'be careful, he's following the script'.

Even now, when my STBXH has been kicked to the kerb and moved in with his OW I'm not sure I know what 'the script' is. So I wondered (for the good of woman kind) if those of us who sadly, have heard it all before, could share what their XP/XH (or possibly even DP/DP if you've reconciled) said to you?

I'll give my version of the lead up script for starters:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for marriage
• Your expectations of me/marriage are unreasonable (faithfulness and being interested in spending time with me/our DS are what he is referring to here)
• I love you, but I'm not in love with you
• I need some space to work out my feelings
• You are not attractive to me any more
• I don't like spending time with you/you're not fun/our life is boring
• You put on too much baby weight/don't make an effort (followed swiftly by the classic 'Stop going on about sex, can't you see it's a red herring?' when challenged about his sudden dip in sex drive)
• I can't be expected to behave like 'normal' people, I'm unconventional...
• You don't understand/appreciate/reward me enough
• Don't you know how good you've got it with me?
• Our marriage is only about having children, what about me? (Why aren't I centre of attention any more?)
• I want my relationship with our DS to be separate from my relationship with you
• You need to give me time to rediscover my feelings (while I 'stay with my dad')
• Be patient, I believe our marriage could still work. (The final one, said the night before I found out about OW)

if this list helps to stop women beating themselves up over how they ruined everything, then it will be worth it. I would have done anything to get my husband back and I did. I addressed his every issue (untidy house, sarcastic nature, too controlling, blah blah blah) and each time I did, he found another issue to complain about.....

These men sit back, expect us to arrange family life, social life and everything else, then turn it back on us when they leave saying that we are controlling. Even my BIL told my husband to "grow a pair" when he moaned to him that we were always out and never home. He told him "to be fair to your W, if you never tell her you don't want to do something, how is she supposed to know?!" Of course this was thrown in my face as he couldnt say anything because I walked all over him and he went along with everything for an easy life....

I know damn well that he wasnt unhappy for years and that I didnt control him. Its bloody amazing how they rewrite history when they want to leave.

"you're boring"

Me: how am I boring?

"you don't drink enough" (yes....really!)

"you don't argue enough" (funnily enough I argue loads with him now and guess what...he doesn't like it!)

I don't love, you, it was a mistake marrying you.
I don't love you, and I never will again.
You let me down, I am deeply disillusioned, but don't talk about divorce.

Then, it didn't make any sense whatsoever.
Now, I know exactly what it means!

So sad, how the 'veterans' unerringly pick up the signs of affairs. I suppose you have to live the script to know: this insanity is really happening. He really is saying this stuff. It does actually have a very logical purpose, even though that purpose is unthinkable, for the innocent.

Sorry, I forgot:

I am deeply disullusioned by your bad wifery, and so there is no use going to counselling as there is nothing to work on [but don't talk about divorce]

I have been miserable for years. I didn't make any decisions in our relationship. I never wanted to marry you.

yes may I tick off messy house, me being 'controlling' and me not drinking enough on my bingo card

it's sad that often women in this situation (as I did) try harder and harder, while the goalposts keep moving because basically whatever you do will not match up to the fantasy of OW.

Mine backdated his 'love' to at least 7 years previously so from that time he knew he no longer loved me. He did then re-write history back later after I divorced him but it was sad at the time the whole attempt to airbrush out lots of happy years

no decisions in relationship - also tick

And my own special favourite:

Me: Why did you carry on sleeping with me?
Him: Because it was expected.

Bastard.

"I'm fed up of being told what to do" (but you're not)

"You've changed ". ( you're the only one who thinks this)

"I can't believe you've accused me of seeing someone else, it's cut me in half "(but you've been in bed with her all day...she said so)

Me " how could you carry on sleeping with me if you don't have feelings for me?"

Him " I was just trying hard sorry for giving you the wrong idea....."

And yes I had made him unhappy for years and now he has gone he likes making his own decisions .....

It really is a script isn't it?!

I just need some time to sort out my head haha.

Go on then fucker take all the time you need

Him "I just don't feel the same any more, my heart's not in it", leaves, goes to mates house to stay.

I text him "I guess if you dont love me any more then it really is over".
Him "Im sorry, I feel awful for hurting you, this isnt easy for me either, who knows with time I may feel differently"
Me "Well you have treated me very badly"
Him "Give me some time to work out what I want".

A week later - Me "You said that with time you may feel differently"

Him "who knows in 3 months or 6 months I may feel different"

Another week later Me "You are giving me mixed messages, saying its over but in time you may feel differently"

Him "You pushed me into saying that time may make a difference"

The messy house, I got that too, despite frequently being complimented by visitors on how tidy the house was, especially with dc. I'm afraid that I believed him and set about sorting the house out ruthlessly, in fine detail, trying to put it 'right' and he didn't even notice.

I think he told me my clothes were frumpy too and I wasn't ambitious enough.

those are shit things to say artsand what an asshole

this thread is quite therapeutic for me though, even after all this time. It's consoling to know others went through the same like they've read it all out of some whole corny book of nobbery.

I was told by others that my house was tidy (with 2 small dcs) too, and in fact have just realise even now I'm always apologising to visitors for the state of it

Also I was told I'd changed but only by him no-one else. I had got boring etc. He also said everything bad which had happened in his life had happened since he met me

obviously now he's having a superb life not

God. Now I think exp was having an affair ASWELL.

sapphire I think we had the same conversation word for word now I'm really starting to understand why it's called a script!!

Really choco? It's amazing isn't it. And I really thought he was having some sort of breakdown and tried so hard to ignore all the texting because my wonderful husband wouldn't do that to me..... Even when surrounded by all the evidence that whatever was going on, he had been hiding it from me and from his mate, I still couldn't believe he would do that to me...

Why are we so trusting and blind? And why are they so gullible as to fall for the first person who strokes their ego?!

thought mine was having a breakdown -tick

blamed his behaviour on depression and anxiety, tick. Berated me for not being understanding enough, tick...

Yes...blamed everything on stress/depression/anxiety

When I showed concern and suggested he seek help for this I was accused of trying to get him labelled with a mental health disorder...which I would obviously "use against him at some point in the future"

Yes, stress and breakdown here too. But when I said he was depressed, no he wasn't and he didn't have to go and see any body.

This is the time when I discovered that I do not understand men. I am incapable of living two lives and I don't understand how a basic sense of integrity doesn't let them know that the cost is too high for what they are doing/getting.

You see, AFTERWARDS?

The sex was terrible. It was exciting at first because it was new, then it was mundane.
I never loved her
She meant nothing to me.
I wasn't looking to replace you

???????

Alright, you devasated me and now you are scaring the hell out of me.
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
Therefore, you are still lying.

God,I'd always suspected exH of having an affair but reading this I'm pretty certain.. Ticks the following
-you've changed (funny nobody else thought so)
-can't you dress different/ less studenty? Wtf?
-no you can't come on work do's. It's for work only no partners allowed. Upon finding out several of his colleagues partners went (due to him letting slip), well yes they came but they all work here. What, ALL of them??
-never being allowed to meet said colleagues, and one memorable occasion when he spotted on while we were out and he tried to shove me out the door before we got spotted (which didn't work, cue bemused look on colleagues face when he came and introduced self)
-spending a fortune on designer gear for himself, including a £250 DandG bracelet?? This is a man who never wore jewellery, hmm
-v long working hours and call outs
-the "goodbye hug"
-him leaving me home alone on new years eve with gastric flu because he was sitting (alone) in a bar trying to work out what he wanted in life/ why he was so depressed
-yelling at me for ruining our final holiday because my filling fell out and I got a v painful abscess requiring dental treatment. Spent the rest of theh bitching about me and how I ruin everything like I did it on purpose
-"I need time to sort out what I want" have him plenty time, he buggered off for 3 wks to Thailand leaving me with all the bills to "find himself", still didn't have guts to tell me it's over, then has the nerve to look all sad when I tell him I'm getting solicitor to sort it out as I've had enough, forcing me to officially end it.
-the old "things may change in time". It did. I found some one else.
-presents- bought me a stereo as the only thing he took apart from clothes was his precious bloody stereo

Sorry folks, went a bit ranty there and forgot paragraphs!! Felt good to get it out, and more or less confirm what I suspected all along

The "he's having a breakdown" thing is very powerful. I clung to this for months, and to some extent still do. The alternative - that this cruel selfish git is the "real him" - is so hard to get my head around, even now.

So many of the messages here resonate! These stupid fools think they're all so unique...silly sods.

Twunt's script (for what it's worth).

Getting home later, after 'meetings'
Never complimenting me when I was all dressed up, but falling over himself to compliment my friends.
Never asking me how my day/shift had been
Getting up and leaving the room as soon as I walked in it
Moaning about every household chore and making a mountain out of a molehill - even taking out the rubbish became equivalent to a hike up Everest.
Taking the kids side on everything - however outrageous
Calling me a 'slob' when I crashed out on the sofa at 7.00 p.m. after a double shift at work (nurse).
Suddenly having lots of new friends from work, but never actually introducing me to any of them.
Superglued to the mobile, at all times
Going away on business, texting once to say he'd arrived but phone was nearly flat so he wouldn't be texting again.
Criticising my cooking, appearance, hair, friends, job, tv programmes, laugh, voice, choice of anything.
Spending a fortune on new trendy designer clothes, but moaning about me spending fifty quid in the Monsoon sale
Refusing point blank to go to any of my work social events, or out with my friends.
Being extremely rude and sneering and dismissive of my family
Refusing to pick me up when car broke down late at night in the freezing winter
Looking at me as if I was something he'd stood in
If anyone complimented me, sneering in contempt
Staying out later and later
Saying "Of course I'd never have an affair" (hurt little boy expression) "I'm not that kind of man"
Saying "I don't love you anymore"
Saying "I need to be happy"
Saying "I can be civil if you can"
Not coming home, but refusing to tell me where he'd been "You're my wife, not my keeper" was a classic.
Becoming obsessed with personal grooming products/running
Swopping Radiohead for Rhianna

I'm sure there's more!