Due to give birth, huge row, Dp not interested in me or baby now

[pregnantandpooped]

This has been a difficult pregnancy for me, i've been sick constantly and am knackered. The baby is due in the next 2 weeks, but is lying wrong, causing me extreme discomfort on top of SPD.

Me and DP had a huge row yesterday. I was in the right to be annoyed, but, as is my way, i lost my temper and went to far, and had a go over his dd (my 15 year old sd) who has given us grief for months.

It started over dog sick. My dog was badly sick on the kitchen floor, which is unusual. SDs dog regularly has the runs all over the kitchen, which i clean up. DP said he didnt do sick, and i would have to do it. Fair enough, but at the moment, i cant get down to do stuff like that without A LOT of pain and my pelvis locking up. It isnt quick or easy, so i asked him to do it, and if needed get SD to help as i have cleaned up her dogs mess often enough. SD announced "forget it, im not doing it" and her and DP went off, just leaving me with it!!

I was mighty pissed off, and sent a text saying so, and that between them they could have managed to do that one thing for me. I got back that i should stop whining, SD (15) is a child and we have different expectations of children. I asked if SD ranked above me then, and if it was easier to see me in pain doing something than to get her to help? DP replied "just fuck off and shut up"

I went and spoke to him later, and yes i did lose my temper, and was not highly complimentary about SD, who has caused huge problems lately. I feel like she rates above me all the time, and it all revolves around her. SHe lives here 60/40 and has not once helped me, to the point last week she laid on the settee and watched me drag 15 bags of food shopping in, without even helping or offering.
No, i should not have gone off about her, but there is a point past which i wont be pushed, and being left by two able adults to do something i have told them i cant do without great pain, is too far. He, however, was a shit to me, and told me i could have the baby in the street like the screaming council house dweller i am.

Dp now not speaking to me. I need to see the MW again today, as i think the baby is on a nerve or something. Either way im in pain, and possibly having mild contractions.

I told DP i needed to see her. He shrugged. I asked if he wanted to know why, he said, no, because at the moment i am angry at you, and the baby is part of you and therefore i cant seperate it from you!!

This isnt the first time he has "checked out" from the baby. In fact, all through this pregnancy he has done it when i have upset him.

Ive told him today that we are about to become parents together (we have seperate children) and that he cant just refuse to take any interest or show any concern because he isnt speaking to me! As far as im concerned, it makes him just as bad as he claims i am. I also asked him what kind of man doesnt ask why someone needs to see the midwife? He replied, im just not interested, im not speaking to you, and the baby is you.

He has basically told me he's had enough of me and my being a dick head, and he'll behave how he wants about the baby, and if i end up in labour early, or giving birth on my own then thats my fault for my carry on. I was being calm and trying to talk reasonably, but i just got swearing and shouting, until he just walked away.

Now im stuck at home and dont know what to do. I have my 6 year old to get from school, and then him and SD will be home later. I will then have an evening of him being super nice to everyone whilst making it clear he is ignoring me.

HE often does this, even over rows that i dont always think are solely down to me, until i apologise or he gets fed up or whatever. Until then, at 38 weeks pregnant i will cease to exist until he decides to speak.

I have a hospital bag packed and a nursery all done and i have no idea if we are together or what.

I cant stay anywhere else as i would have to take dd, and im too close to having the baby to put that on someone, and my mum is about 200 miles away.

Dp normally a good partner, but he does this when he see's me as being unreasonable. I was OTT with what i said, but i get pushed to a fucking point in this house where im sick of everyone assuming i can still cook, clean, shop and wash (whilst still doing my part time job) despite the trouble im having, and it tends to come to a head in an explosion. The dog sick was that explosion.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Or look up your local office on the website.

You will be given priority as you are so vulnerable right now.

You wouldn't be a failure if you left him, you would be doing the courageous thing. You can't stay with an abusive man because you're worried what your family would think of you.

I really think that you should think about trying to get away before the birth, if there's anywhere else you can go, because he's only going to get worse when your baby is here and his abuse is going to impact on you bonding with your new baby.

The only failure in all this will be staying with him and subjecting two innocent girls to his foul, abusive ways. Staying with a man that grounds you down until you're a shadow of your former self and fuck up your DDs will be a failure and make you a black sheep to your family. Whether you think you are doing or not, OP, you keep blaming yourself and minimising his awful ways. At 38 weeks you should be doing nothing except stuffing your face with biccies in front of crap tv aNd being waited on hand and foot, not still working and paying for and cooking food for people who treat you like shit on their shoes. Know the carrot and tick thing? The nice bits of him are the carrot he uses to keep you sweet. The abuse is the stick which is the real him. The nice him is fake. Now you are very vulnerable at this stage, he knows he can drop the facade and be nastier and nastier and each time you tolerate his shit, he knows he can do something even nastier in the future. I can't imagine hiw difficult leaving must be, but do you have no-one you can turn to? Your belief that your family see you as a black sheep cannot override saving yourself and your child from an abusive home?!

I'm sorry but you do come before his daughter- or you should do. How will she respect you if she feels she is above you? She will be long gone an getting on with er life and you and him need to be each others first port of call and priority. Children come after a relationship starts. Don't get me wrong he shouldn't be mean to her but he should be setting an example Of how to treat people. He is doing her no favours. He should be treating you well and lookin after you. I know exactly how this feels my partner was shit with me when I was pregnant and isn't great now to be honest- I didn't think he would care about our baby- but he does. As for looking after me or doing the odd night feed- well that never happens. You can move on but ultimately you never forget- I know my day will come when everything adds up in my head and I decide it just isn't worth it anymore. Trust me it will be his loss. Your children will keep you happy and empower you to move on. Good luck with your baby and look after yourself- no one else will xxxx

Don't have much to add to all the sensible stuff. But you mentioned being scared of being a failure in the eyes of your judgy family. Obviously you know them best, but there is a big gap between worrying that a relationship with a man who already has a child from a former unsuccessful relationship may not work out and not offering loving support when you are heavily pregnant and need it. You probably find yourself telling your six year old not to climb on things that are too high at times, but you would still run over with kisses and cuddles if she fell off and hurt herself.

I'm a university lecturer. At this time of year I spend a lot of time with students who do not want to tell their families that they feel stressed about exams or are not enjoying their course in case their families are disappointed in them. I always tell them to give their Mums and Dads a chance and I've never met a student yet who has come back to me to say 'actually my Mum was furious that I might have to resit something'.

Maybe you should give your family a chance too.

Dear Pregnant,

I feel really sad for you from reading this post. Your last two weeks of pregnancy should be about excitement, looking forward to the arrival of your new baby, being excited together about being parents together and not this shit. I can only imagine how crap you must feel and I'm sorry you are having such a shit time.

I know the timing of it is really bad. But here is what I would do. You need to look for a new support network because clearly you cannot rely on him. Perhaps you could look at hiring a doula, this way you have someone with you who wants to be there. Noone should have to go through birth by themselves, noone should have to wonder if their partner will even be there. How is this birth thing going to work anyway? He won't talk to you now for the next two weeks and once things get going he will come with you to hospital? What all those negative feelings?

Longer term I'm afraid you will need to get rid of him. Do you know why? Because living with parents who dont talk to each other is hell for a child. How I know? Because I have been there and got the t-shirt.

Growing up, my parents wouldnt talk to each other for week, for us kids it was horrible. They would address questions to the other person through us, they would dish up food and ignore the other. It truly is horrible. Well, they are still married and they are still at it. They can now go for months with pulling off this shit.
We went to see them over Easter, arguments, no talking, super embarrassing in front of my husband. Rightly so he threatened to go that same day.

Is that what you want for your children?

Big hugs to you. I know you are not having an easy time. One step at the time, yeah? All the best.

This thread is the saddest I read in ages :(
I was exactly where you are, including being treated with contempt around his son, my SS who also mimicked that behaviour.

I stayed in the unending hope that things would be ok and the nice side of him would be more evident once the baby was born. It didn't and the abuse just got worse and worse.

I wish I wish I had left when I was in your shoes and could have just got right away from him and been totally free, instead of the nightmare he has put us through. He won't get better and he will grind you down and try an knock all that spirit out of you and pit your new little girl against you.

Please leave now. It will be so much harder once LO is here x

Can i just point you again to my last post about my friend?

Her arsehole stbEx didn't even congratulate her for producing their DD. He didn't even give her a hug or tell her how happy he was, nothing. All he could do was whinge about her not being "there for him" - poor woman had a 1.5h labour and was home the next day, she wasn't exactly out for long! - and it got worse from there.

You think it's bad now? what about if you'd gone into labour while he's still sulking - what would he have done then? In fact, chances are this may still happen - will he ignore you in labour? Will he ignore the baby when it's born because he's ignoring you?

This sort of behaviour is bad in a child, it's despicable in a grown man and of course his daughter will copy him as close as she can - why wouldn't she?

I do understand that at your current stage of pg the last thing you want to think about is upheaval of your and your DD's life - but please start putting things in motion to change your situation. It isn't going to get better longterm.

i'm sorry, but i had to stop reading by page 4.

i could feel myself starting to cry.

you are not even particularly shouty in my opinion. you said on numerous occasions that you stayed calm.

i'm sat here thinking i would have gone upstairs found his favourite shirt and her favourite top, plonked them on top of the sick and mushed it in with my shoes (no bending involved) and then i would have left it.

i wouldnt be doing any cleaning, cooking, carrying, fetching off little miss spoilt brat either, and i wouldnt be bothering wasting head space about whether i was being petty.
i would be absolutely devastated that my partner and the father of my unborn child actually hates me- came to that conclusion by page 3.

i feel for you so much. ive had 2 pregnancies in the last 2 years and i am heart broke for you, that this despicable low life scrum bag is treating you so bad.

i thought i'd met the lowest of the low when my sil's boyfriend beat her up when she was having treatment for cancer with a 50/50 chance, but your dp is down there with him.

i think what is most upsetting is that you are expressing yoursel so well and painting such a fucking awful picture, but at the same time, reasoning and justifying some of it.

i would be ashamed if she was my daughter (your sd) proper hang my head in shame.

i would despise him for this.

you are no were near shouty enough, but obviously you are in a vulnerable position.

can anyone on here help you? were do you live? i'd help if you needed me too- not sure how, but i can try my very best. x

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read on MN :(

PLEASE get out. You will be given extra help by those who can arrange emergency accommodation for you because of your situation.

Being on your own with DD and a new born CANT be worse than this.

I cannot find one single thing to say that is constructive or would make you feel better

The only thing that could improve your life is that you end your relationship with this utter cunt of a "man"

I am worried about you. And I agree with AnyFucker. The only thing I can see in all this is that his mother seems supportive of you so at least you don't have a lousy MIL.

I know you say you have a judgey family, but....

Do you think that staying with one of them would in this time leading up to the birth and for a few weeks after might not be a bit better than staying with a couple of lazy people who expect to be waited on hand and foot, and won't care for you or look after you?

If your family are so judgey, then they'll want to do the 'right thing' won't they, which would be to help you.

If you can change your mindset just a little bit and turn your differences in lifestyle (as your family see it) so that you could enjoy being the slighty bonkers black sheep, while being looked after by them, then you'd at least have people around you who will cook, clean, wash up etc and not expect you to do everything for them while calling you seriously nasty names and sulking at you as hard as they can.

I'm just trying to think of somewhere you can go where you can rest and have things done for you while you're in this awful physical pain and about to have a baby.

You deserve to be loved and cherished for what you're doing. You should be looked after, and loved. It's not happening where you are now. Would your family - the least judgey of them anyway - not be an improvement on what you have now.

You never know, it might lead to better understanding and kindness from some of them.

Hope you are ok OP; been thinking about you ((hugs))

This is one of the saddest threads I've read. OP I know you feel vulnerable and in pain. You should also feel nurtured, supported and cared for. He's failed you badly. I think you know it's over, it's just too difficult to deal with at this point in your life.

Please get help to deal with it once life has settled.

It is a deal breaker and if he can do this now at this crucial point for you he will do it again and again. You deserve more and tbh your life will be better without him

I am sad and angry for you. Whereabouts are you? I wish I could help! If you're near me you would be welcome to come here over half term and i will sit you down and make tea for you. Your poor little girl must be in turmoil living under that atmosphere and a small baby will annoy the hell out of your partner and SD. She will feel really pushed out of "Dadd's" life now you have a child together and she has been allowed to be this way, it's not her fault and I also think it's sad because this is how she will expect to be treated when she has a relationship.

What's her relationship like with her mum and how did your partner treat his ex? If it's the same way, then I don't normally say this but get out.

Please let us know where you are and how you are.

OP, if you stay with this man your DD and new baby will grow up to be like your SD

Please break this cycle of abusive and dysfunctional behaviour now.

Further to my last post, I've been incredibly damaged by an abusive father. I'm 32 and still dealing with the aftermath.

Reading your posts has chilled me to the bone.

Hope you're okay(ish) this morning, and that nothing more/worse has happened from that revolting and vile pair.

Can't add much to all the other excellent advice but can I add my voice to those who suggested you tell your midwife everything. I'm sure (sadly) it won't be the first time she'll have had to deal with a mum to be who's been treated so appallingly and she will know what to do .... how to get you the help and support you need ... even if it can't be sorted absolutely immediately, at least the wheels can be set in motion. Her priority is your well being and she'll know what agencies can help you. At the very least, simply unloading onto an outside party who's unquestionningly on your side will probably make you feel a bit better.

I know this couldn't have come at a worse time and you know full well already how tiring and stressful the weeks immediately a birth can be with the extreme tiredness etc but quite honestly, it would appear that even if you did stay with this "man" you are very likely going to be doing all the work anyway. He's already proved you can't rely upon him for the most basic support, let alone the demands created by a newborn. What I'm saying is that however daunting the prospect of caring for a new baby and your DD on your own is, it's going to be a 100 times worse if you have to do all that AND have a fully able adult sat there on his arse doing nothing (never mind his spoilt brat daughter too). Tiredness/exhaustion is one thing, a physical thing ..... but tiredness/exhaustion where you're being deliberately ignored, and maybe the baby is too, is also mental cruelty of the highest order and I'm very worried about how that wou.ld affect your mental health.

Please please confide in the MW, and/or Women's Aid. The thought of how this foul, cold, heartless "man" might behave after the birth is quite chilling

I must admit I do have a horrible image in my head of him ignoring a crying baby because he is in a mood again.

What a vile and loathsome excuse for a man.

Reading all of this has made me feel ill - God knows how you feel. If you are in the Southampton/Hampshire area, pm me, I will be round to help you like a shot, take you to the midwife or whatever you want, and God help that slimey shit of a partner of yours and his revolting daughter if they turn up and disrespect you while I am around. I taught teenagers for 22 years before I retired, so I can assure you she woudn't get away with a thing if I was around.
Contact the family - your low mood, I think, is making you feel particularly negative about them. Good luck and take care.

Just wanted to send you hugs - I hope you are coping OK. All the advive above is excellent, so there is no need for me to repeat it. If you are in Kent I am at your disposal in any way you need. Thunking of you.

The thing with him throwing your bag really struck a chord with me. My abusive ex often used to throw my handbag out of the way or kick it about, I think he sort of saw it as being representative of me. Please try and sort something out so you can leave, you only get one life.

Big hug from me too OP. Not sure if this will help but this is what gave me the strengh to get rid of my ex.

The straw that broke the camels back though was this:

I was standing holding DS a couple of days after coming home from and started to haemorage and felt like I was about to faint. I held our son out to ex to take, ex walked right past us muttering "I cant cope with all this" and slammed out the door to go to the pub.

From that moment on I HATED my ex which gave the the strength to put a few things in a bag throw it in the street, lock the door and text him to come get his stuff and piss off back to his mothers in Wales.

Use your anger to help you. I now only feel indifference.

coming home from "hospital" of course.