'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

I'd leave it where it is with a sticky note attached saying "I think you missed this" then get on with job hunting

This all sounds covert and a bit shit. How about opening things up with a question like "Is there something wrong with that bowl that you haven't washed up?"

If washing up is "his" thing, decided between you both, then what difference does it make if you used it? Same as I doubt he would be thrilled if washing was "your" thing and you carefully put every single dirty sock of his in a neat line down his side of the bed.

Personally, while its petty, I completely see where you're coming from and wouldn't wash it up - or would and then leave a different bowl in its place that I'd eaten from or something. Its a stupid game he started so he can expect a stupid reaction.

Having said that - its not a particularly useful reaction and not likely to lead to an amicable resolve.

Go for a walk or have a cup of tea or something to make you feel better for you and then deal with this crap.

He's a knob... I'm afraid I couldn't be quite so restrained in your circumstances. He'd have had the bowl thrown firmly at his smug Victorian head.

I'm with hopenglory.

I would also start my own round of 'tests' either similar to his- leave a jay cloth/spray in the bath see if he cleans it.... Or playing him truly at his own game, by getting the mower out on a Saturday, or leaving a note somewhere saying 'wipers need changing on car', or leave the full bin in the middle of the kitchen.

I am appalled that he is expecting you to live like this. The only way I could keep my self esteem before leaving would be to subvert his rules and play his game. Although I appreciate this might not be the best thing to do.

It doesn't sound like a great relationship, and I second what hopenglory said.

BUT I've just spent the last 2 days clearing round two baked bean tins on the work top, because I'm fed up of being the muggins who cleans up after everyone. They disappeared in the end.

Tests? Fucking housework tests???? I haven't read your previous thread (sorry) but the second I found out that DH was setting me any kind of "test" would have meant that he, or I, would have been out the door for good.

If you really really really must stay in the same dwelling as him for financial reasons, then wash up the sodding bowl and say nothing. If he is so stupid as to ever, and I mean ever, mention it then invent something and say how you noticed he failed to get a spot of dried herb off a plate. And tut. Followed by a sigh.

Can you really not stay on a friend's sofa/armchair/balance on a stool until you have enough money together to get your own place? Life should not be about housework tests, particularly those set by another, let alone an alleged DP.

How dare he? Who is he to set tests? I mean really, is he so bloody gorgeous that any female in his life would want to spend her life with him sitting endless "tests"?

OP: get your arse out of there. Life on the outside is fun. And there's no tests.

I know this isn't going to be helpful but I think I would hit him across teh back of the head with the bowl and hide his body under the patio.

How can you live like this

Oh wow. Clean the bowel and put it away and do all you can to get a job and get out!

I was married to a man like that. He would hide cigarette ends in pillow cases, above door frames and under mats to "check if I was cleaning properly". It didn't end well.

Your man is training you with his controlling ways. You could fight it out, or hush your mouth and get on with your plan to get the hell out!

Just wash up the bowl. What does it matter? After all, you're leaving him aren't you? I do hope so...

Is there anyway you can make him feel stupid about his 'test' or does his head not work like that (my ExH was similar and didn't realise it wasn't normal behaviour). Maybe put a post-it note on it saying 'you've failed my test by not washing this up'. Are there consequences if you fail a test? Can you set one up for him failing the test.. It's all very childish I know but sometimes seeing them squirm because they know they've been busted can bring a smile to your face :)

Either that or you just wash it up and ignore him, as afterall you'll be leaving shortly. (although I'd go the childish route)

Well, I didn't realise the tests existed until he told me on Sunday. I thought stupidly that, having observed my parents and friends and other relatives, adults in a relationship who didn't have time to do a piece of cleaning or thought that the other person should do it, asked them nicely if they wouldn't mind doing XYZ. I just thought he'd forgotten to put the hoover away.

Apparently what proper adults do is say nothing, wait until the partner brings up a topic they don't like, then bawl them out for not doing the hoovering

In his (very small) defence, this is a learned behaviour from his awful mother, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it.

Unfortunately all my friends are his friends (close community) so it would make them choose, which I don't want to do. I have told one of our female friends what's going on and she's been wonderful but she's also got a newborn to deal with so I can't stay there.

I'd test what happens if you walked out and never looked back. I'd rather live in a tent on the village green than take part in his passive-aggressive wankerish bollocks.

"Clean the bowel" now thats an option - his bowel

I remember your previous thread.

Your man just wanted to play house with a pretty young thing.

This person is a twunt of the first order. He's really an extension of his obsessive compulsive mother who also taught him a bagful of damaging lessons when growing up. You cannot "win" against such a person.

Yes, it will be more than worth it when you move out and away from this person.

Infact if you can leave to stay with a friend I would do this now.

If I walked out he would be, ostensibly, devastated but not enough to change his mind. I walked out after a horrible row nearly a year ago, where he just refused to engage in any kind of discourse (literally blanking me) and he didn't even notice until I cracked and texted him four hours later (it was late at night so it should have been obvious that my absence meant I wasn't happy).

I should add, apart from half a dozen rows in 26 months (including the weekend) we have had a wonderful time - affectionate, loving, do lots of things together. The two big flies in the ointment are these hitherto-unsuspected tests (which I have far too much self-esteem to let go of) and his negative views on children and marriage (which according to him he may or may not change depending on how well I perform domestically).

When it comes out of his mouth it sounds vaguely reasonable. When I write it down it looks shit. Absolutely shit. My parents and sister (who adore him) would be fucking horrified.

Do not play his game! You will 'win' when you get away from this knobhead. Stressing out over a bowl left at the side of the sink - what has he brought you to?

He is leaving it there to provoke you - just wash it - don't waste ANY energy on it and, as you know inside yourself it's the right path to take, focus on job searching. If he says anything a neutral 'mmm yes dear' will suffice. Don't rise to the bait :)

DH was out of work for 14 months a while ago. I immediately (thankfully) was able to up my hours from 4dpw to 5 - on top of that I did practically all the running around after DS for school (nursery and reception years) and worked on 'work' in the evening when DS had gone to bed to catch up. DH did the bare minimum of housework and I didn't expect him to do more. His 'job' was to get a new one. I did, however, sometimes ask him to put a wash on or sort the dishwasher out as I ran out of the door on yet another school run - but that was just to keep the house 'functional'. Housework 'tests' which you need to 'pass' before you have any chance of continuing with this relationship are just ridiculous.

However, in this case, rise above it and work on getting a new job - do you really have to restrict yourself to your existing region or could you be looking further afield?

From what you've posted, I'd be outta there ASAP. He sounds like nightmare

I would set him the test of "wondering where the fvk I had gone all of a sudden" in your shoes, OP. Is there no friend or family member you can stay with until you find a job?

26 months? I can't count... more like 31. Anyway, I don't suppose length of time matters.

Get out. Can you only imagine the "tests" he'd set you in motherhood. Imagine how much worse those would be than failing do do some washing up.

You think now that your joint friends will side with him, that prob won't be the case, you'll be surprised what people think and say when you are no longer with someone :)

He's being a prick! It's one thing wanting different things in life but he's treating you like a child (actually I wouldn't treat my DD like that), he needs to grow up and talk, have conversations with you, voice his issues etc rather than being a complete knobber and setting you 'tasks'