'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

I think for every test that he leaves for you, you need to leave an equal number of tests out for him, plus a few to get you started to catch up with the ones that he has already 'given' you.

Because assuming you love each other (OK so I know you are thinking of leaving but for the sake of discussing this with him!) then if he thinks he needs to test you, then obviously you need to test him.

And if he gets angry or upset by the fact that you are testing him, then he will either see that it is an insulting thing to have done to you, if he doesn't like it then neither will you and he will give up on the testing. Or, he will think that he has the right to test you, but you do not have the right to test him, that you are not equal in your relationship, he gets to have more of a say in deciding things than you do and so on - in which case it is a massive red warning flag to get the hell out asap.

So, get the hoover out and leave it exactly where he left it to test you - and see what his reaction is...

Assuming you're still sleeping with him (big assumption, I know), I think I would be sooooo tempted to say afterwards with a bit of a sigh, "Ah well, never mind, eh? No, nothing, really. Nothing to worry about."

LOL at precious Faberge bowl.

I'd draw a little face on it in marker pen and a speech bubble saying 'Look, I don't want to be involved in this, ok? I'm just a humble little bowl, trying to make my way in the world.'

If you´re going to leave with as much as you can when your sister visits-would any of your stuff be left to collect?

Could she/you hire a trailer or van so that you could leave with everything?

That's reminded me, MrsGypsy, of one of the reasons I love/loved (I think in this aspect I still love him... don't know) him was that not only did no mean no, even if we were in the middle of something but that on a few occasions where I have been drunk and throwing myself at him (no other way to describe it really ) he has gently said no, given me a cuddle, put me to bed and stroked my hair until I've fallen asleep. I asked him after the last time he did it why he hadn't said yes and he said he didn't think I was sober enough to give meaningful consent. That, right there, is one of the moments I was just shocked into thinking 'you're a wonderful man'.

Hand on heart I can't 100% name a bloke I know who would turn down drunk sex or really worry about whether their partner was 'too drunk' as long as they could walk/talk (I wasn't paralytic... obvs I know plenty of men who wouldn't sleep with someone paralytically drunk, but I had definitely had too many).

That doesn't make him a wonderful man, OP, that just makes him not-a-rapist. It's how any normal man would behave. And judt because sexual abuse is 't his thing, doesn't stop the rest of his behaviour being mental and emotional abuse, sorry.

I just keep thinking of that scene in Sleeping with the Enemy where the tins are all ordered in the cupboards. Sorry op :)

Please leave. You have nothing keeping you there bar a bt Internet contract. He isn't a great man and he isn't the man for you. Go home, do your summer job and apply for jobs in your field from there. Yep it's inconvenient but it's better than being confronted with the Hoover everytime you step out of the bedroom.

I actually think you might find it harder to put your best into your job hunting and applications when you're trying to deal with this at the same time, even if the location is better than home.

BT will expect the person on the bill to pay wherever you live. If your name is on the bill you can cancel the package from X date. If you are feeling kind you can give him a day's notice (which is all it takes to set up a new account). He will be able to choose his own options and negotiate his own deal so he won't be out of pocket.

But you must cancel it or you will be liable whichever account it comes out of, if he stops money in joint account once you have gone they would chase you for the bills.

OP, sorry but that is just the behaviour of normal men. Not special, not wonderful just what a normal man does.

Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

What a massive twat! Seriously what a cock!

and his negative views on children and marriage (which according to him he may or may not change depending on how well I perform domestically).

Sounds like he's looking for a replacement for his mum.

Take it with you and keep putting pictures of it with smiley faces drawn on, in different places on your facebook page. Like a look what fun I'm having with my bowlfriend now I've dumped you, freakboy.

That's hilarious!

Just imagine how it could have been if you had a child with him.

Get out ASAP. If you need to get a job first try spending as much time as possible out of the house when he's in it.

Skirt's suggestion made me snort my tea out of my nose.

My ExP used to set similar secret tests, I'm sure of it. I would see him looking down his nose at me after I'd said or done something and I'd know I'd fucked up, even though I really hadn't.

One evening he tried to teach me how to wash up "properly". This is the same man who ? on the rare occasions that he did the washing up ? would leave half the dinner still on the plate.

This whole not shagging you when you're very tipsy and chucking yourself at him thing - I disagree. It's not particularly nice, it's not normal, if he'd taken you up it wouldn't have been rape ffs. Fair enough if he just didn't feel like it, but the whole stroking your hair thing, telling you you were incapable of consent etc (er, you were conscious and wanted it...) sounds like he was just infantalising you. Kinda patronising, actually.

You are still playing games with this fuckwit

This ain't the sum of your life...is it ?

There has been a lot of fun suggestions here and it could be entertaining to prolong this, but it aint a film........big red flags flying for me here I'm afraid,

Seen this sort of thing before, secret testing, infantalising, almost at times worshipping, but at a huge price in hidden resentment and anger. You are not being treated as an adult but as a child/pet/possession to be taught/controlled/punished, and it has potential to turn really nasty.

I hope this goes well and easy for you, as there will be hurt and upsets, and I may just be over-reacting based on previous experiences, but please get out!

Hmmm.
on a few occasions where I have been drunk and throwing myself at him (no other way to describe it really blush) he has gently said no, given me a cuddle, put me to bed and stroked my hair until I've fallen asleep.

So who initiates sex usually? Is it him? This sounds more like control to me, a means of not gratifying you when you're randy by pretending to be caring.
As a man, I can't imagine not welcoming a slightly pissed and less inhibited lover. Does he like doing things his way or not at all?

"sounds like he was just infantalising you."

Yep. The whole "you're incapable of giving consent" thing is control freakery of the worst possible order. And patronising to boot. This is NOT nice; this is awful. My XH was just like this. Run away fast while you still can.

HereIGo I don't understand either. My head is a bit of a mess. I moved the bowl so I didn't have to see him gloat, although I won't deny that some of the suggestions on here cheered me up. He looked in the sink when he came back, second or third thing he did.

It's the mind games I can't get over. That's what's making me contemplate leaving. That and the way he said he didn't care about either children or marriage. There are nice ways to say no and that wasn't it. As someone on the other thread said, I came away wondering how much he cared about me and how much was about his personal convenience.

There is such an atmosphere, it's horrible. He won't talk but will get me glasses of water or whatever I ask for (as an e.g.) so he's not obviously angry or upset. He came home late from work and he seems so sad. I think maybe it's also due to me: normally I'm a very happy, smiley person. I run to greet him when he arrives home, I try and fix what he would like for dinner, I keep up a stream of inane chatter just because I was so happy to see him and be in his company. I've been quiet the last few days, more introspective.

Re: hair stroking. It's not actually infantilisation... I asked him, way back, to do it as I find it comforting and he continued it in that situation. Maybe I should have made that clear in my post.

I'm too tired to think. I will make an effort to read one of the books my friend lent me tomorrow. I just don't want to be the one to break the ice, because I am always the one doing it. I think if he really wants to save this relationship then he needs to figure out that it's his turn to say something. I'm fed up of sitting next to him, pouring my heart out and getting nothing but platitudes back.

i'd use sticky notes and write
" Oi you missed the bowl you midget minded fucker"

or on the bed
" last night your dick failed my test"

on the curtains

" Do not open these as the sunlight will kill you"

on the notice board

"Note to self: Google Male form of succubus"

on his toothbrush " must remember to buy toilet brush"

-x-

Goodness me OP, this man sounds utterly awful. Tests? What kind of nutjob does that? It sounds like the icing on the cake for me; your life goals are incompatible anyway and now he's admitted this? You'd do well to find yourself someone who holds you in higher regard than this idiot.