'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

Dear OP, I am someone who was willing to forgive an affair to save my marriage (but wasn't willing to forgive the second, hence I am divorced!). But my point is, I am not someone who thinks you should just leave a relationship when something goes wrong.

However I have no hesitation in saying PLEASE LEAVE THIS APPALLING 'RELATIONSHIP'. I actually cannot bear to think of you living like this. Being single is really not so terrible. He is an emotional / mental abuser and will slowly crush every last ounce of sanity and joy that you have in your life until you don't know which way is up.

And for the love of fuck, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. He will abuse them too, and the damage will be unutterably worse because they will not know any different.

Just leave. Now. Urgh.

Good luck x

so glad you'll be leaving in the very near future. I would write to BT by recorded delivery cancelling the contract at the end of it so they don't automatically renew it or anything like that.

Yes, I agree to getting it sent off to BT to cancel the contract too

Holy crap lovey. Ring your Mum back when he's out, tell her yes, there is something she can do for you - get your Dad in his car and your sister in her car to come and get you and ALL of your stuff tomorrow. This bloke is a complete nut job and you need to get the hell out of there before you totally forget what's normal. I am sure your friend means well, but she needs her head sorting out too... this is not Stepford and we are not Victorian women.

Yes - get your friendly LL to take your name off of the agreement and give you something in writing. Cancel BT or you will end up with a bad credit rating. He can sort his own shit out.

Do NOT pay him any money, you don't need to and you need all your money to get yourself set up again.

Agree with bitchyhen, he hasn't lost respect for you/women, he never had it. And of course am with everyone suggesting leaving asap.

Him having a bad time at work has nothing to do with his behaviour: don't excuse him.

Make sure to deal with the financial stuff: write to BT to cancel at the end of the contract. Also deal with any other contracts that you have. Take copy of all the details. You can't afford to damage your credit rating and can't rely on him to pay stuff in your name once you're gone.

To me, it just sounds like he has mummy issues as his mother is so OCD and obsessed with housework and he lived with her until quite late in life. I can well imagine that she spoke to him the way he is speaking to you about housework, trying to train / control him to meet her standards at home.

Unfortunately he's 40+ so the chances of him changing and getting over his hang-ups is pretty slim, especially if you're the one telling him he has hang-ups. He's far too old for you, stuck in his ways and a little bit messed up / OCD. I don't think he sounds like a controlling, misogynist monster but just someone who hasn't sorted out his mummy issues yet and needs to do so before he can have a mature relationship with a woman.

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're happy so just move on. You're young enough to do far better and have no ties to him so what's to lose?

Op I've been following this thread and just want you to know I'm thinking of you, please take everyone's excellent advice ^.

Funny isn't it that there are loads of different sorts of people on MN and most of us love a good argument/discussion and yet everyone agrees he is a fuckwit!

Napa may well be right - either way, you can't fix him!

he is weird

God, are you still there? Can I call a cab for you?

Let's reverse this a minute - it IS annoying if you continually have to tell someone what needs doing when it's staring them in the face SO many women on these boards moan about their dps/dh's not noticing that the dishwasher needs emptying for eg. I don't think he sounds anywhere near as bad as people are making out but you are obviously incompatible so the best thing is to split up.

Er he isn't "not noticing" it
He's freakily setting "tests" and controlling this woman
She needs ti get away from him ASAP

Coming late to this but glad you are apparently gearing up to leaving.
Setting sneaky tests that you don't know about and then "failing" you on them - then telling you "you need to learn" - FFS! what's that all about? are you his partner or his child?
And you wouldn't do that to a child either, not in fairness - you'd tell them or ask them to do stuff, not leave "hints" around the place.

Hope your sister can come and visit earlier and I really hope you get your old job back and stay with your parents until you've saved up some money.

Am so relieved you have reached your limit.

Now please do not start second guessing yourself. And stop being worried about the financial loose ends.

This man is not salvageable and this relationship would have destroyed you.

(Any way you could get out sooner?)

I am speechless.

He is a total nutjob.

OP, I've nothing new to add to the excellent advice already offered, other than: please get out while you can!

You are way too young to get sucked into something like this. Your youth, energy, talent, and dreams are too precious to be wasted on someone who controls you, talks down to you, plays mind games and refuses to consider marrying you (although why would you want to marry him after his revelation about the 'tests' is beyond me.)

Take up the offer of your old room at your parents' place ASAP and don't look back. Having your own space away from him will allow you to focus fully on your career without having to be distracted by living with him and his ridiculous 'tests' and sanctimonious disapproval. He doesn't deserve you.

Bump.
What happened, OP ?
Have you left or stayed?

How's it going OP?