'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

Well, you might not like this, but I think you are playing mind games with yourself.

I have an image of you staring at a jug and bowl in the sink and wondering what it could possibly mean, and him thinking either 'she was doing something with that bowl I better leave it'.

You say the hoover out was a 'test' but did he say that?

Saying 'I've finished with that bowl and jug, just wash it up with the rest' would neatly deal with that rather than get paranoid, ask us here to explain the game and going back with a 'clever' strategy.

He has told you quite directly his concerns about who is doing what. I think this comes from another source. In my experience this paranoia happens for reasons other than genuine workload, it happens when people feel a bit insecure and taken advantage of - or, in short, when love is weak.

I suspect that he has picked up that your intentions are to ignore his feelings about how the relationship can work, and to propose/ force marriage. That is a sure fire way to cause a weakness in love. Scheming won't help, it will make it worse.

Its a simple flat-share problem. He thinks he does a lot of housework, and so do you, and things are shaky between you, so you are projecting onto this frankly silly set of circumstances.

I suspect the stress is the marriage v not marriage thing. That's the big fat elephant in the room, so bloody address it.

I suspect he is worried and afraid that he has really upset you over the marriage thing and that fear is causing the atmosphere.

WorriedBetty you have not read the thread or previous thread properly - the DP has told OP within the last week that he leaves the hoover out as a test. The DP is some 20 years older than the OP, he as an overbearing mother who has imposed a bizarre set of behaviours on him such as organising his socks and pants drawer in the order they were last worn.

OP - you are losing your independence fast here, you need to get out there and earn money, you need to find friends that are not his old friends. Don't get hooked on silly worries such as the broadband bill. He needs lots of therapy to get over his mother and his current behaviours. Why would you want to waste your young life on fixing this man while you limit your opportunities? Thank God he doesn't want children - just try to picture what your life would be like if you were financially dependent on him, socially dependent on his friends with him and his mother controlling how the children are raised, it's not a good picture.

TBH the bonkers tests don't mean anything. You want different things from your relationship, it's over. (I'm pretty sure you know this now).

Leave now because this is messing with your head. You are being sucked in to playing games of your own ....being silent with him until he twigs it (passes the test?) and speaks to you.

Tell him that tests have no place in a loving relationship and that the decision to have children should not be contingent on whether your dp can pass domestic tests. What a freak.

Your friends WILL take sides, you need to accept this and mainly just MOVE ON.

This isn't just about the tests, as others say there are lots of problems with this person: he's controlling, you have a parent/child relationship, he doesn't want what you want, awful MIL etc.

Not being sexually abusive doesn't make him a great person: sorry that you've been with horrible men before .

Please tell other people in RL about all of it, including your sister. Focus on getting a job in your chosen field , either in the city near where you are now or birmingham or london. And see someone to see if there'd be any chance of getting benefits / housing.

In the other thread you didn't respond to questions about job prospects: if you can't get a job doing what you'd like, then given the situation you should probably just decide on a location, eg your parents' area, and seek paid work of any kind, and keep looking for something better while earning.

Don't worry about "owing him" any money and if you leave and he tries to get you to pay or promise him any money, say no. You have always been open about your finances and he agreed to help, that's how it goes sometimes.

Also wtf is testing him to see if he'll stop testing you, and thinking this is a basis for a decision to leave or stay all about?

My father used to do this type of thing to my mother e.g. piece of bacon down the side of the cooker. He would wait for a period of time then confront her with it. It took over 20 years for her to get the courage to leave him.

it's just games isn't it, dozer
OP will stay with him, I think (unfotunately)

she's locked into the macabre dance

I agree she wont go. The fact she is discussing the games rather than thinking wtf this is completely wrong and fucked up and I need to leave now sends alarm bells. Very difficult to see when you are in the middle of it.

Suddenly its all become about the games - and she's lost the bigger picture that he doesn't actually want what she does - which sounds like a deal breaker if only she could see past the games.

OP - accept the summer job with your old boss and move back, even if initially to get some money so that you can move to wherever there's a good job going in the field you want to be in. Bit of distance will help you to get a bit more clarity and perspective.

Hi, sorry to bump this again. I understand what a lot of you are saying and you are right in that I don't particularly want to hear it (who does?).

We had a reasonably positive afternoon. OTOH (I can't even remember how it came up) he has just left to go to the shops and we had the following conversation.

[Something about domestic stuff]

Me: Come on, today I've cleaned the bathrooms, done the laundry, cleaned the kitchen...

Him (interrupting): One day of sunshine does not make a summer.

I didn't want a fight so turned it into a joke about being British, yes it does. Then said: Please don't set tasks in the manner of a Victorian housewife. If you want something done, just ask, like we did this afternoon when I asked if XYZ went in the dishwasher and you said no, just wash it up, so I washed it up.

Him: No. No. You need to learn to know what needs doing, not to be told what needs doing.

I started trying to formulate a reasonable response to that (trying to channel MN/remember some things from this thread) and he just said 'bye' and left.

I think somewhere along the line, whether by my fault or his or a joint effort, he has lost any respect he had for me. Marriage may be the elephant in the room, but surrounding the elephant is a massive fence made up of his attitude, outlined above. I wrote it down immediately he left so I could remind myself exactly what he said (I get flustered and forget).

He has had a shit week at work (manager has overspent by £5k on a project worth £15k involving infighting co-sponsors and expects DP to sort it out, which is totally impossible) but I don't think either of my parents would speak to each other the way he has just spoken to me.

He has a point in that, when we first got together, I would do the bare minimum of housework but that's not the case any more. He doesn't even notice when I do do things (I forgot to say this earlier - it was part of our fight on Sunday when he denied that I had emptied and refilled the dishwasher, amongst other things). You're right, life's too short.

tasks = tests

I would print this thread out, copy it as many times as you need. Take 1 copy home with you (yes, go back to your parents). and post all the other copies through the letterboxes of your friends. Then, just to be on the safe side, e mail it to everyone you know, so that it can surely be seen by all your friends.
You could even post it on Facebook. Let everyone see what a total shit he is.

Thanks Molly :) I just called my Mum. I couldn't talk other than to ask if my job would be available (she is good friends with my boss. don't want to call my boss until it's definite as she doesn't like people messing her about) as as soon as I started talking I started to cry. She has said my room is available, no questions. I told her he 'wasn't being very nice' but she knows how bad that must be if I'm speaking about it. She asked if there was anything I needed or wanted, if she could help. I said no.

I think it'll be most likely that I go home with my sister on the 14th. The BT contract is only running for three more payments and, having googled, they won't change the name on the bill. So I will leave it and DP may pay it (probably he will). If he doesn't then I'll have to pay it and I'll be in the same situation as if I'd tried to cancel it from the off (as they charge the remainder of what you would pay, I htink).

"No. No. You need to learn to know what needs doing, not to be told what needs doing"

Your dp is rejecting your request that you interact like adults with direct communication. Instead he is insisting that you are set up to fail. He will not be explicit about what he expects, and implies that if you don't know what this is there is an innate failing in you as measured not just by him but by some kind of "standards" that presumably everyone except you already knows about...so the inevitable "fail" judgement will not just be his judgement, it will presumably be the judgement of all right thinking beings.

WHAT A FREAK. He is controlling and manipulating and absolutely lacking in respect for you.

OP put your fingers in your ears if you are not ready to hear this but for fucks sake you only get one life. How could you ever think of having children with this man. What has happened to you in life so far OP that you are prepared to put up with this and even make excuses for him - he had a hard time at work, he must respect me because he refuses to have sex with me when I want him to etc etc (which by the way is controlling behaviour imo). Think about what happened in your childhood that makes you accept this. It is utterly wrong and you need to leave now and not later when you have saved some money/found a job. I can hardly bear to read this thread, one of the most depressing I have seen for some time tbh.

GET OUT OP FGS NOTHING IS WORSE THAN THIS YOU ARE NOT LIVING

I don't think he has lost respect for you, he never had any. He was able to fake enough respect to get into a relationship with you. However his actions make it pretty clear he doesn't respect women - he just sees them as servants. My xh was the same. Don't wait, get out as soon as you can and don't look back.

Why wait to the 14th? Your mum has said your room is there for you and has asked what you need. You need your dad to come down tomorrow and help you move out. Waiting will be torture.

I agree with the posters who say this is one of the most depressing threads they've read on MN for a long time. Men like this just suck every ounce of joy out of life, while continuing to throw their victims just enough to keep them hanging on. OP, you don't have to wait until your sister's visit - sure, it would be useful to have her pick up all your stuff in the car, but you should just get out of there as quickly as you can. Can't you say you are going back to your parents to take up this summer job, go with whatever you can put in a suitcase, and collect the rest later? And don't bother having any kind of discussion with him about it, there is absolutely no point.

he sounds more like a schoolmaster than a dh! 'No. [whack] No. [whack] You need to learn [whack] to know what needs doing, [whack] not to be told what needs doing.[whack]

you are supposed to be equals, not him the superior and you a student/slave/junior/inferior.

It sounds like his DMother is the same, - everyone is inferior and she the great matriarch - like some Wodehouse scary aunt!

They need a lesson in equality and the 21st century woman.

"No. No. You need to learn to know what needs doing, not to be told what needs doing."

What a fucking arsehole creep

Get. Out.

Hi OP. I'm glad that your mum is being supportive. She is offering you help and a room - please make use of it.