'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

He's very relaxed about money - I am the one stressing about owing him stuff (although if positions were reversed I would not be worried about him owing me). That's why I was considering making an excuse to earn money by 'temporarily' going home and taking clothes and some jewellery before coming back in a couple of weeks to fit the rest in.

I can't see him selling my stuff. I could see him possibly getting rid of something that I valued sentimentally... I just don't know how he would react. In fact I could get my Dad to drive his car with me to come back (much larger than my sister's tiny student car) and easily fit everything else in (mostly books and expensive baking equipment that I bought when I had three jobs and wanted stuff that would last).

My close friend (also his friend) has invited me around for tea this afternoon. I will chat to her as she's the only one IRL who knows that anything is happening.

I know you've washed up the bowl.

However what I would do would be to make the bowl disappear and blank-facedly deny all knowledge of the bowl. Then say you'd assumed he'd washed it up and would he like a cup of tea? After all, it's only a bowl.

Disclaimer: this isn't the sort of thing I would normally do...

I would quickly and gratefully take back your old job and move away. You will be in no worse a position - you can still job hunt for what you want - but you will be so much happier and not reliant on a nob who wants you to pass a test you didn't know you'd been set!

Jinny I love it Bowl will be hidden in a box. Not sure he'll notice as he doesn't seem to twig where things live in the flat, but it will make me feel good without overtly antagonising him. It will also save me the smug look on his face when he sees it's clean. That was what I was dreading the most.

I would have washed the jug and bowl, dried them and then neatly replaced them exactly where they were on the draining board.

I would then do exactly as you are doing and concentrate on getting the fuck out of there.

In a few days' time, you could always pretend you need it and ask him where it is.

Oh if he doesn't know you're leaving him then fine - the job thing is a good excuse.

Like very much the Mind Games With The Bowl idea. I'd make Mr. Bowl permanently disappear, to the charity shop. Then when the whereabouts are discussed, you get the opp to say 'It was in with the washing up - so I assumed you'd have done it and it was back in the cupboard... What? You just left that one thing unwashed? Why? Because I used it last? Um... ok...'

Well it's too late now but...

For this particular incident of course I would have washed up the bowl. I used it, and I can imagine the annoyance of having it sat there for days on end. Yes he's an arse for washing around it.

However, leaving the hoover out and other things like that, they are the real red flags here and on those points I would be taking steps getting the hell out of there.

Good luck!

Take it with you and keep putting pictures of it with smiley faces drawn on, in different places on your facebook page. Like a look what fun I'm having with my bowlfriend now I've dumped you, freakboy.

Now that you know what he is like, play the game. Make sure you dont "fail" any reasonable test. But set your own for him. Like do weird stuff with/to the bins, the lawn mower. Leave his socks in a pile somewhere strange, and see what happens.

I'm loving the idea of leaving the bowl exactly where it was, just crystal clean :) (note I can be very childish)

I love the weird tests idea.

How about a clipboard by the bed with a scoring chart on it. Or take all the cutlery out of the drawer and leave it on the table (I have no idea why, so he will be really confused). Or take all the DVDs off the shelf. Or hide one each of his shoes......I could go on all day. And when he asks, just look knowingly and say: It's just a little test.

OR

Go with your plan of getting a life!

i read a book recently where the lady secretly compiled a test or list(like a star chart) of things that her husband should do in order for her to remain living with him.all domestic or childcare duties.'pile at the bottom of the stairs' or something.

sounds like the female version of your dp!

i would fail badly!but would also tell dh to stick it up his arse.
fair enough couples can have different domestic ideals , but he can't force his on you.
he'd hate me.

"Take it with you and keep putting pictures of it with smiley faces drawn on, in different places on your facebook page. Like a look what fun I'm having with my bowlfriend now I've dumped you, freakboy."

God he sounds like a real prat.

Leave him, whichever way you think is best, as soon as you can.

In the meantime, clean the loo with his toothbrush.

The trouble with secret tests is that you never know if you've passed or not.
At heart, they are there for you to fail, and if you pass a few there will always be another to take and fall short.

You know you've got to leave. You should try to make it a clean break, take ALL of your goods in one swoop so there is no need or excuse to ever return.

Good luck for the future, and for finding a job.

Get yourself a really large 12 inch vibrator from Ann Summers and leave it ostentatiously on the bedside table - make sure the 'eye' of the cock is pointing directly at him across the bed.

Then when he asks what it's for say 'it's just a test dear' - then say no more.

Make the spineless little wanker wonder.

What Laurie said.

Bin the bowl

Deny all knowledge of the bowl

Leave

I've never said this on MN before, but:

"Leave him"

I know it doesn't feel that simple, Need, but honestly 31 months is far too much time wasted already....

Thanks everyone. The more imaginative payback ideas have made me

Just spent some time with my lovely friend. She has loaned me some books to read so I can get my head in the right place and get some perspective on what I want (not just in this situation but in general). They include the one she used (and loved) before she got married and I really respect the way she deals with life so I will read them and think.

Her suggestion was to keep looking hard for a job and, if I think he's trying to do a test, ask him outright and calmly 'whether the object was left out by mistake or if you're trying to test me because, if so, you could have just asked me nicely to do XYZ and I don't want to jump to conclusions.' His reaction will let me know what I need to do. At the weekend he didn't see a problem with 'tests' and I do appreciate this is something he has learned from his Mum. I will call him on it and, if he changes his opinion (some things, like refusing to say please and thank you told you his Mum was awful, he has changed) then I'll think. If he doesn't then I will wait until I get a job.

Unless it is a Faberge one of a kind bowl I would just bin it. Alternatively, now that you have washed it you should shove it right up his arsehole.

FFS op ... life is waaaay too short for all this crap. run like the wind while you still have your sanity.

I like the idea of moving such "test" items randomly around the house. One day it's on the dining table, next day it's on his pillow, day after it's stuck the wall with blu-tak.

But you're friend is right. Tempting as playing him at his game is, taking the adult approach and just calmly asking him what he's doing is by far the best way. All the while plotting to get the hell of out there ASAP because he's madder than Mad Jack MacMad.

I thought the issue was he didn't want to get married, despite being in early forties unless you got better at housekeeping?

It's not really about a bowl, is it?