'D'P is clearly setting one of his stupid 'tests'. Any ideas please?

[NeedaHealthyDoseofReality]

Previous thread here. In a nutshell: following pregnancy scare I finally decided not to take 'I don't know' for an answer and found out that DP doesn't share the same life goals as me. Was pretty shocking at first as I'd tried to sound him out before we moved in and he kept fobbing me off. Also learnt some pretty unpleasant things including that he sets domestic 'tests' that I am constantly 'failing' in the manner of a Victorian housewife and her maid, e.g. getting hoover out of the cupboard and leaving it in the hall rather than simply asking me to do the hoovering, then putting it away again after I've 'failed'.

I am in a vulnerable financial position so the conclusion of the last thread was I would wait until I had a job (in second month I think, so I at least have one month's salary in the bank) then leave. He has until then (he doesn't know this as I want him to do it honestly, if he's going to do it at all - I doubt this) to change his mind.

However there is a bowl sitting in the sink. I used it for a domestic task and it needed bleaching. Bleached it, set it on the side and forgot to wash it up the next day (yesterday). It's still there this morning. DP has washed up all the other (about six) bits and pieces but left the bowl and the jug it came with sitting in the sink for a second day.

Morally speaking it is wholly my mess to clean up. I know this and I want to clean it up. In fact I will clean it up. However, DP's 'tests' involve washing up (even though this is his share of the housework and he "enjoys it"). I know this is a test, or he would have done it with everything else. Every time I think about what it represents I just feel a little boiling pit of rage/indignation that makes me not want to do it. However I'm not going to be an arse just because he is.

I guess I'm just venting (unless anyone has any bright ideas?) because telling him outright that I know it was a test but I did it, not for him, but because I made the mess and I should clear it up (even though 99.9% of the time he would do any and all washing up regardless of who made it) would lead to a row. I CBA to fight with him. I need to put my energy into job hunting rather than getting cross at his stupid games. I just don't want him to think he's 'won'.

Someone give me a slap and tell me this will be worth it when I can move out!

If you leave him...

Don't you mean, when you leave him?

Honestly, I'd fail to engage in petty and childish game-playing. Don't let him mess with your head, do the share of housework YOU deem appropriate, sod the rest, rise above it and leave asap.

On my goodness. Ludicrous, absolutely, draconian LUDICROUS. Sorry but he's a ..well actually I have no suitable description. If you can restrain from lobbing the darn bowl at him, then wash it/leave it whatever, say nothing apart from "You're a xyz, I'm leaving." I agree with the poster who said they'd rather live in a tent. Can you stay with your parents or sister?

Family live in a very rural area 300 miles away... jobs in my industry are centred in my local city, another one hour away, as well as Birmingham and London.

I am applying for agency work in my field in the hope of building up a little cash to warrant moving (I haven't got a bean to my name), in addition to local permanent jobs. I do love living here (people are so much nicer than in my parents' area!). I have started scoping out places to move to once I get somewhere and have made a list of things I need to think about/factor into costs etc.

Wash the bowl.

Concentrate on job hunting

Tell your family - show them this thread, even! - their horror will help spur you on.

Tomorrow night, buy a bottle of wine/big bag of chocs/whatever, and sit on the sofa with them looking gleeful. When the Aged Dipshit asks why, tell him with a big grin that you're just celebrating passing another test, especially as this one was so touch and go as to whether you could be arsed. Would he like a choccy?

No-one has to pass daft tests to be in a proper, mutually supportive relationship. He sounds a charmer - he's also holding out on marriage and children based on whether you pass the vacuum test? I don't often post on Relationships but I couldn't let this go. I would run a mile as I couldn't see this getting any better. if you pass one test, he'll just set another.

Advice as follows

Get a job - tick, you've already done that

Get the hell out of there .................

My not so "d" h never washes up ( we have a dishwasher that takes care of 95% of the task anyway) but he flings the pots into a washing up bowl runs hot water and fairy liquid and then leaves it -NEVER EVER actually washes it himself. I come along and put most of it in the dishwasher and wash the rest of it up or tip the, by now, slimy cold water away and leave the few bits in the bowl.

I once tipped some of the water over his head to try and remind him not to do it but I do suspect now that it is a gesture of "get this lot washed up you lazy woman". It won't be a problem for ever

Passive aggressive abusive types like your bloke are not abusive all the time; if they were no woman would want to have any sort of relationship with them. There have been some good times but if you were to examine it closely he has gotten the most out of all this, you gave up a great deal.

There were also troublesome signs with this person; poor past relationship history, differing views on children and marriage (he wants neither), OCD mother; these have always been present.

Why did you go back to him, how did he persuade you to return after 4 hours or were you hoping that he would finally notice your apparant unhappiness. I tell you now the only person this bloke cares about is him. He has what he wants from this and that bowl will stay there as well.

Your parents and sister may well have some inkling that all is not well; talk to them and blow any illusions they have re him out of the water. Abusive types as well are plausible to those in the outside world and abuse too thrives on secrecy.

Do your self worth a favour and get out of this passive aggressive nightmare you find yourself in asap.

If you care whether he thinks he's won or not he is getting you to play his game, agree with north witch and nutella.

I hindsight I was a bit of an idiot re: money. I insisted on paying half precisely so he couldn't insist that I do more than half of the domestic tasks (because, honestly, I do believe that if one person contributes less financially then they should make up for it domestically).

It feels good to rant

I think his attitude, but mostly finding out about the tests, has killed the love I had for him. I didn't realise that was possible, but I just feel nothing any more. I would never treat anyone the way he's treated me. I believe in talking about problems, he clearly doesn't.

To be perfectly honest I can live with him until I get the job. I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face leaving now - I have a comfortable existence and he doesn't suspect that I'm not happy. He thinks it's all blown over.

Right. The bowl is washed up. Took me 30 seconds and no thought. I'm going to have a lovely lunch and look for jobs in other regions.

Was calculating my chances of fitting all my things into my sister's car when she visits in two weeks but I don't know if it'll fit.

Can I ask some advice about money please? We have booked (and paid for, well DP has) a holiday in the summer. I have not paid rent or any financial contribution since my money ran out (end of March). I have been using our joint account to pay for my university travel and incidental expenses (no clothes, the odd cup of coffee or present that I have bought) since October. Realistically speaking it's probably about £2000 including rent and the remnants of a holiday last summer (actually his friends wedding in an exotic location - I wasn't going to go but he bought me the flights as a birthday present). Before that I paid exactly half of all day-to-day expenses and made a small contribution to things that I deemed 'unreasonable' for me to pay half of like very expensive restaurants or posh hotels (am a youth hostel person).

If I leave in two weeks does he have any legal recourse? For honesty's sake I'd pay the rent back and a token on top, but realistically it wouldn't be at once. My parents exist nicely but have no spare money at all. Asking them (although I think they'd offer anyway) would mean they'd struggle for a few months, which I can't do to them.

I quite like GoPoldark's idea of making a big deal of celebrating "passing the test"!

... But probably easier really to wash the stupid bowl and focus on getting yourself out. Good luck with the job hunting OP.

Oh and I want to say thank you very much for your replies. There were so many so quickly that I couldn't reply individually but I have taken your points on board - will probably go with nutella's idea of not doing more than I deem reasonable and rise above it, as so many others have suggested.

AFAIK what is his is his and what is yours is yours. He has no legal discourse otherwise, what is he going to claim for?. He can add someone else to the holiday or he can go on his own.

I take it as read you have a bank account in your sole name?.

If it's his name on the mortgate or rental agreement, no there is no legal recourse.
If he's killed your love stone dead, just leave and don't look back. Forget about owing any money, you're poor enough already.

Legal recourse - I doubt it. A better informed bod than I will be along soon to tell you I'm sure. Good Luck for the future - happy, healthy and 'tested'.

not tested that was meant to read. Grrrr!

Need - just carry on as normal and don't worry about 'tests'. Then just disappear.

Money - no, I don't think you have any issue - it sounds as though you've been very fair with what you have brought to the relationship, and you haven't gone on big spending sprees for your own advantage. Get yourself an account sorted out and take yourself off the joint account as soon as you leave.

Yes. Have two actually (just remembered my emergency £50!). Joint account I insisted upon so we could pay expenses out of it. Bloody sensible considering what's happened as he wanted us to split direct debits between our accounts.

Actually, the Internet contract is vv expensive and in my name (although joint account). I tried to change it to his and they refused (our first row - he didn't like the Internet package so I said he could do it as I CBA to fight over it). Thinking about it, I doubt he would stop it as he doesn't have the time to faff about and he needs the Internet for work. If he got petty (worse case scenario) would BT chase me for it or, since it comes out of a joint account, are we both liable?

Rent is in both our names (again, I insisted upon it) and he loves this flat. Doubt he would move out - he makes nearly double the rent every week. LLs are also our friends so they would understand.

You need to contact BT and LL then immediately and ask to be taken off. If BT refuse you'll have to just cancel it.

Also, actually, if I went home I would have a job instantly. My old boss would have me back like a shot as her business is summer-heavy and, whilst it's not related to my field, it's weekends only so I could job hunt the whole week.

I'm debating now the merits of 'moving home to get some money', taking all my clothes with me and a few personal bits (one car load - DSis has a tiny car) then coming back in a few weeks to get the rest. I know it will fit in two loads as I've done it before (plus there are things that I can leave, like the clothes horse).

ffs. the two of you leaving stuff out and then washing it or not washing it maked you both sound about 6 years old. Maybe you shouldn't hink about living with each other until you have both grown up.

If it's over between you two and you want out, the best course of action might be to move back home. Get that part time job, earn a bit of money so when a job in your field comes along, you are in a financial position to take it and move.

You are far more employable employed than not (if that makes sense).

As long as you don't leave anything of value.

Not saying that he will suddenly go nuts and sell/destroy your stuff - but let's face it, he sounds like a pretty petty person and very focused on keeping a tally of owings. If you're going to leave and he will consider himself 'out of pocket' (and I certainly agree that you have no obligation to pay back anything to him) I would try and take my stuff all at once.