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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this bad and should I leave?

226 replies

isitasbadasithink · 27/05/2012 18:13

Hi I am hoping one of you lovely ladies can help with a dilemma I am having.

I have been with my dp for 5 years and have a 10 month old ds. The relationship isn't that great, he is pretty lazy and can be verbally abusive sone of the time (by which I mean telling me to fuck off or calling me a cunt etc). On top of that he has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have often given in to having sex with him at least 3 times a week to keep the peace ( he sulks or calls me frigid if I don't). I know just reading that back how bad that sounds by the way :-(.

This afternoon due to the fact I have been wearing a bikini he has kept groping me and telling me he can't wait to get me alone. When I was in the bedroom I agreed to sex to kind of get it over and done with and to avoid an argument. During the act it started really hurting as it often does and I told him to stop. He told me he was to close to finishing and continued with me struggling for about 20 seconds or so. When it was over he said he was angry at me for making it look like he was the bad person for continuing and stormed out of the room.

I feel numb and maybe I am over reacting. It probably was hard for him to stop but why do I feel so violated? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do now? I would be ever so grateful.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 29/05/2012 10:54

That's WONDERFUL! So pleased you are safe. I would second contacting the police in case someone has registered you missing, and your mum of course though I'm sure you have done by now.

NatalieJane - thanks for linking to your own thread. I could cry hearing how different you sound now, best of luck to you and your boys.

Mumsyblouse · 29/05/2012 11:05

Well done, I'd also like to say how fantastic you are for doing this.

As everyone else has said, you need to protect yourself by making sure your phone isn't traceable (using a new one?) and your laptop not traceable too.

I also think that in the drama of it all, you must be thinking about what happened to you, which was simply awful. I hope Women's Aid are able to help you further and direct you towards sources of emotional support as well as practical ones. You did the best thing you possibly could by removing yourself immediately, but it will be upsetting.

You really are amazing, I can't say enough how you have done the right thing for yourself and your child.

Lueji · 29/05/2012 11:34

Great news.

To be safe, if there is any risk of him tracing your phone, turn it on only when sufficiently far from where you are staying. Never at the B&B.

Please do contact the police and your mum.
You could report the threat.

You have time, but a week flies, so start getting legal advice, etc.

You will have a wonderful life. :)

Original poster
isitasbadasithink · 29/05/2012 12:23

Sim card is snapped I didn't read any of the messages just sent him one saying that me and ds are safe I will contact in future only in regards to visitations. Treated myself to a new phone (and a few new clothes for me and ds didn't seem to manage to bring much).

I have an interview on Friday with the council and I have spoken to my mother. I didn't say too much just not to worry and we were ok. She wanted me to come sty at hers but I know he will keep showing up so I politely declined. Just need to ring woman's aid this afternoon now. I still feel totally numb to what he did and very confused but I guess maybe some therapy could help me piece that together and help me make sense of it all.

I can't wait until all this settles down and we are able to find a real home for me and ds. The b&b is safe though that is all that matters. Off to try and buy a mini fridge for the room now. Ds is a complete fusspot when it comes to eating so I need to stock up on yoghurts :)

OP posts:
sugarice · 29/05/2012 12:26

You sound so on top of everything Smile.Well done for being so brave and protecting yourself and your ds.Lots of luck x.

Lottapianos · 29/05/2012 12:33

Wow, OP, you are doing so brilliantly. Well done for snapping the SIM card without reading any messages - I'm not sure I would have been so strong!

yes yes therapy will definitely help you to come to terms with the awful things you have suffered and will help you to find happiness. But that's for the future. Right now, you are safe, your DS is safe and you are no longer that man's slave. You made that happen - you should feel so proud of yourself today Smile

PoppadumPreach · 29/05/2012 12:51

Just read all your posts OP. you have done absolutely the right thing to get away from this revolting man.

stay strong and remember every word he tells you from now on will be some sort of lie to try to control you again.

threeleftfeet · 29/05/2012 12:54

isitasbadasithink I think it could be a good idea to ask mumsnet to delete the post which says roughly where your B&B is. Just in case he has any idea you use mumsnet, and finds it.

Thinking of you and your DD and wishing you well.

ThereGoesTheYear · 29/05/2012 13:29

CONGRATULATIONS on getting out! Look after yourself and take all the help you can get. You have done so well, been so decisive and have given yourself and your DS an incredible gift.

Keyloggers can send data by 'hidden' email or ftp, so don't use the laptop until you have the keylogger removed.

I agree that therapy and the Freedom Programme would be a brilliant idea.

TheHappyHissy · 29/05/2012 13:32

Oh phew! thank goodness! Well done love! [understatement]

niknakpaddywhack · 29/05/2012 13:41

You are so brave and so strong. Well done - you have probably made the wisest decision of your life. I wish you and you son every happiness.

spannermary · 29/05/2012 13:47

Well done. Very proud of you.

sadwidow28 · 29/05/2012 14:36

Excellent news OP.

Try to find a way to contact your mother so that she isn't worried. Can you use a pay-phone? (I know they are very rare these days.)

You can use the Missing People's helpline to get a message through to your Mum.

24 hour help

We provide a unique, confidential 24/7 service called Message Home. If you are in crisis, unsure of what to do next or would like to pass a message to someone, please get in touch.

Call Freefone 116 000
Text 116 000
Email [email protected]
mumandtwo · 29/05/2012 15:21

That's a good ideathreeleftfeet, get mumsnet to delete all this in case he has read it and gained any clue to where you are. You should then come back under a new username on here maybe? You can easily set up a new email address too, and stay away from Facebook!!! Best of luck..... xxx

Original poster
isitasbadasithink · 29/05/2012 16:36

I don't think he is even aware of mumsnet as far as I know. The Panic is starting to set in re: access. I want him to have a relationship with ds and a good strong one at that. His previous partner left him for another guy whilst he was working away whilst their ds was a similar age 12 years ago and after a year of court etc he managed to get access one overnight visit every 2 weeks. I don't want to have to go through the courts but I also don't really want to have to arrange access with him myself. I know he would turn up like the wounded party making me feel even more guilty. He can see ds as often as he likes I think it would be great for them to have a good strong relationship I am just unsure how to get over the hurdle of arranging this iyswim?

OP posts:
sugarice · 29/05/2012 16:48

Just think about yourself and ds at the moment and getting settled into your new life. Don't worry about him for the time being Smile. Don't panic x

Lottapianos · 29/05/2012 16:59

'I want him to have a relationship with ds and a good strong one at that'

That is a very positive thing to want for your son but only one person can make that happen, and that's his father. It's very selfless of you to want DS to have access to this man who made your life a misery and I think you're right to start from that point of view. Right now, DS is safe with you and you are the best person for him at the moment. It's natural to feel panicky and to feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be arranged but try to take it one step at a time (cliche I know!)

Do you have any friends or anyone else you can contact apart from your mum? Even friends you have lost touch with because of him may be thrilled to hear from you now he's not a part of your life in the same way

OhNoMyFanjo · 29/05/2012 17:22

Have you considered why his previous partner left when he was away and fought contact?

Original poster
isitasbadasithink · 29/05/2012 17:39

I don't have any rl friends that I could even contact anymore (the one I did ditched me for no reason I know of). I suffer terribly from social anxiety and it has always made having a social life very difficult. He never told me much about his previous partner just that she left him for someone else and he fought for over a year to see his ds. He said she made lies up about him in court saying that he scared her reving his car up next to her and the baby and he had to have supervised visits for a while. God just reading that back she was probably telling the truth and if he spoke to her the way he does me then no wonder she found someone else.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 29/05/2012 17:49

when you are strong enough why not look into contact centres near you. they can then oversee hand over for you.

tribpot · 29/05/2012 17:52

Better for you to spend this time getting your head straight, isit, than worrying about contact arrangements. You may find quite a few comments about the ex come back in a whole new light over the next few days (I think it's a fairly common tactic to control the new victim to telegraph to them what behaviour will be punished by telling what 'the last ex did').

Maybe try and reach out to a very old friend via email and explain how he's isolated you. They will understand.

But the first priority is to keep you and ds safe. Whatever that takes right now.

xTonixxx · 29/05/2012 18:49

Really sorry to hear about the RL friends situation, controlling men often do this to women's friendships. Tribpot's advice of reaching out to an old friend is a good idea, it's likely your friends see him for what he is and they will understand.

You should be really proud of what you have quickly achieved. You are strong and your DC is lucky :)

Bumdrop · 29/05/2012 20:02

Social anxiety ?
Wow sweetheart, you have done great,
So impressed how you have got out,
Keep going x x x x

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 29/05/2012 20:14

If I was an old friend of yours I'd be very happy to hear from you, and that you might turn to me at a difficult time.

Lueji · 29/05/2012 20:28

I think you are right about his previous partner, even assuming she left him for someone else.

Let him ask/fight for access.
Anything he gets will feel like a victory for him and maybe that will keep him happy.