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Original poster

Should I even be bothering with this or ditching him?

160 replies

BoredRoom · 25/05/2012 12:48

I have a fairly new boyfriend, have been seeing him for 4/5 months. He lives alone, no kids and I see him around 2 or 3 times a week. Taking it slowly I suppose but several things bother me - this is one of them.

I have child free weekends but we NEVER spend the whole night together. He will come here or I will go there and we watch a film , have sex and then I come home. Usually at about 11pm as he likes to be in bed around then as he has an early start due to a consuming weekend hobby that he usually does on both days of the weekend. The reason I don't stay is because he likes 8 hours of full uninterrupted sleep and me next to him disturbs this.

I feel a bit weird about this. I mean, it's not normal to have a boyfriend and never sleep the whole night together is it? I haven't really said anything although he probably knows I think it's a little unusual. And anyway, what is the point? He would more than likely 'let' me stay but it wouldn't have been his choice would it?

There are other issues too but that, for now, is the one currently bugging me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoredRoom · 26/05/2012 15:36

I keep expecting him to change I suppose.

I have ' achat' with him every 3 or 4 weeks and he changes for a while- becomes more animated and attentive etc... he then slips back to being a little cool and indifferent , i boot him up the arse again and so on and so forth.

He always calls or texts me every single day. just sometimes he is a little 'cool' with me but i cant put my finger on it. As soon as i pull away from him, he seems to become more attentive for a while.

And so on and so forth. Hard to bring it up with him as it's all so vague and he hates 'grief' as he puts it

OP posts:
ProcrastinateWildly · 26/05/2012 15:42

There is a connection between you having put 7lbs on since you have been with him, and his comments about overweight people. Your subconscious is screaming NOOOO!!

MoaningMicroraptorRoarsAgain · 26/05/2012 15:48

It's all on his terms, isn't it? He chooses the films - he doesn't put up with one he might not like much just to please you occasionally. That's just discourteous - I put up with DH watching Time Team and allsorts that I can't stand, because that's what you do.

He doesn't want you to stay the night.

He lectures you on the ways you are not good enough - not exercising enough, not eating 'right'

He is only giving you the crumbs, here, OP. And you seem grateful for them? I don't believe you are that desperate.

You are just a bit of company and something to shag when it suits from the sounds of it - is he any fun at all? Please tell us he is hung like a donkey and you swing from the rafters in raptures before he turfs you out for the night Grin

MoaningMicroraptorRoarsAgain · 26/05/2012 15:50

When you express an opinion he doesn't agree with you will be 'giving him grief' and 'nagging'. In 6 months when you are going round in circles he will be saying - but you know I always do X, and don't like Y. And he will be right - he has warned you that he is selfish and can't compromise. Listen to what he is telling you.

Dump him and get some nice brownies. He sounds very tiresome.

Original poster
BoredRoom · 26/05/2012 15:58

Well. 'moaning', the 'hung' bit is just fine. The rafter bit ..well, nope. I'd used the word ' perfunctory' to describe the sex in the main part.

Yes, he has always been the same I suppose. Not romantic by nature and open about this being the case. I have a history of unemotional men ranging from full on Aspergers to lesser cases.

OP posts:
JustFab · 26/05/2012 16:06

Is he great in bed or an amazing looker/cooker? I can't see why you would stay with him unless you are desperate/have no self esteem Sad. Relationships should be easy and natural not hard work and like bringing up a bad puppy. with no cute factor

poshbird1 · 26/05/2012 16:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

NutellaNutter · 26/05/2012 20:17

Jesus woman, get some self-respect and kick him to the curb!

molepom · 26/05/2012 20:44

Get rid now...he's a fucking tosser and you will be hurt in the end.

mercury7 · 26/05/2012 21:41

OP it sounds as if the relationship isnt working for you so probably not worth sticking with it>
BUT I dont see what the big deal is about not wanting to spend the whole night together, I hate co sleeping/sharing a bed and wont allow any boyfriends to stay the night

gettingeasier · 26/05/2012 21:57

Sounds perfect if you can get the well hung bit going better and mercury I truly thought I was the only person who felt like that

mercury7 · 26/05/2012 22:08

I am often regarded as odd for the no co sleeping rule, but sleep is paramount and like the OP's boyfriend I cant sleep with someone else in the bed..or on the premises for that matter :o

midwife99 · 26/05/2012 22:14

After years of marriage to a snorting sweating farting middle aged man, many of us wish we didn't co sleep! But in the first flush of the relationship - shagathon all night isn't it?!!

bouncyagain · 26/05/2012 23:36

I said it in my previous post - ditch!

Gazing aimlessly out the window at a cloud going past is better than a bloke like this. The problem with lousy relationships (I am getting divorced) is that the longer you stay in them the harder they are to get out of. Do it now.

FeministPixie · 27/05/2012 04:35

DTMFA!

Body language seems ultra closed off.. Seems a bit OCD ref his routine.

NurseBernard · 27/05/2012 05:36

I definitely don't think you should ditch him. Any relationship is better than none, surely?

Putting up with his movie choices 99% of the time except for when he deigns to relinquish control for a moment and lets you choose is fine. It will broaden your horizons into different genres of film.

Going home every night after sex instead of staying over is really the least you can do. After all, he really does need his 8 hours - that is the most important thing here.

He's right to make comments about the size of other women, and to expect you to reign yourself in when it comes to living life and enjoying food. After all, he can't be expected to have someone a little on the pudgy side on his arm. I'm a bit surprised that you wouldn't see this yourself.

Having a pint and a half on an evening out is more than enough and all the craic you need, surely? Herbal tea is far better for you and your waistline, anyway. Why would you want or expect to wile away an evening not keeping tabs on your enjoyment and intake?

It is good thing, by the way, that you don't give him any grief. Your default position to be to suppress your own wants and needs and to always put them in second place to his. It's positive that you can already see this and are carrying it out.

Yes, definitely continue to contort yourself into even more of a grey, non-person in order to ensure that you don't lose this man. I remember your previous threads and it's a little disappointing to see that your instincts are continuing to make you question things. Remember - any man is better than no man at all.

PullUpAPew · 27/05/2012 07:53

Ditch. What more is there to say? He's a crap boyfriend.

tribpot · 27/05/2012 08:07

It's interesting that you think he isn't controlling, except of himself. When it practically screams from the page that he is.

Criticising overweight people (women?) so you feel guilty about eating cake. Tick.
He chooses the films you watch and your ones get dumped to the bottom of the list. Tick.
Subtle pressure about exercise meaning you lie to him about how often you run. Tick.
You exist in his life precisely on his own terms and no more. Tick tick tick.

I think you need to avoid both this man and this type of man in the future. Ditch him and don't fall into these traps again if you can help it. You're worth more than this.

empirestateofmind · 27/05/2012 08:21

NurseBernard Grin

funny but not funny at the same time....

HugeFurryWishingStool · 27/05/2012 08:33

I have the memory of an elephant and I remember your early threads about him. In december 2011, you started a thread about him. And you'd been with him a couple of months then. So in actual fact you've been putting up with him for about twice as long as you claim.
Why are you minimising the time scale, is it because you're embarrassed and trying to save a bit of face?
His previous relationship went on for a long time, as I recall. What's to stop you wasting your life in a similar way?

You insist he's not controlling, yet he seems exceptionally good at arranging his life in a way that suits him.

NurseBernard · 27/05/2012 09:45

I know, not funny at all, is it?!

The fact that BR is so vehement that he's only controlling of himself would be laughable if it wasn't actually so horribly insidious...

MinnieBar · 27/05/2012 09:52

Perfunctory sex and eating cake in secret?? Not good. Not good At All.

Run for the hills? you deserve better than this.

clam · 27/05/2012 09:55

"You insist he's not controlling, yet he seems exceptionally good at arranging his life in a way that suits him."
I'm not so sure that's unreasonable. Why shouldn't he? The point here is that the OP feels uncomfortable with the role in his life he's assigned her. It's therefore up to her to get the hell out.
And he can then polish his golf clubs and eat oily fish as much as he likes!

TheSecondComing · 27/05/2012 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 27/05/2012 10:26

I have been meaning to ask if you're still with this man and I am sorry to see that you are. I bet he is very good looking, has a good job, drives a nice car, has no real emotional baggage...he obviously has a good body shame he doesn't know how to have fun with it. All the things you think you should be looking for in a man. And you probably started dating him when you felt you should be dating a more 'suitable' man. So on paper he ticked lots of boxes but in reality he's just not an awful lot of fun is he? And he makes you feel a bit crap about yourself too.

He's a square peg you're trying to fit in your round hole You can keep going round in circles, with him making you feel shit, bored, no longer much fun, or you can ditch, move on and start having fun again.

I loved that comment further up the thread, where the poster said if someone tries to make you give you up, then move on. Very, very true. Please don't lose you for this man....you are too lovely for that.