"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

gladiolus, please see him for what he is.

your last post is chilling -there is nothing nothing good that can compensate for his nastiness -tho clearly he pou on some show of being a great guy...accept you were taken in by him. not your fault but now you know it is time to move on and move him out of your lives.

he wants you likes having somone to bully etc - and bullies / abusers are often the most charming of people to sucjk you in....so of course he broke down and cried - clearly you feed him in some ways....

you have no reason to stay absolutely none.
put your children first.

and be very careful because he may turn really nasty when he knows it over.

counselling wont tell him he is in the wrong.
counselling wont change him because he doesnt want to change.
accept that you made a mistake bringing this man into your dds' lives - you fell for him and that is fine and it seemed right at the time three years ago - but now you have his true measure - you realy dont want the next three or five or 10 years blighted and being subjected to abuse verbal or otherwise.

yes he is messed up.

you have known him for so little time.

practically speaking -whose house is it?
will he move out willingly? does he have somewhere to go?

tell him he has to move out - if he wants to change he should seek individual counselling on his own away from you . your older dd must be counting the days til she can move out herself....

Just want to add that my mum and stepdad have been together since I was 1.5, I consider him my dad and love him dearly, and I know he loves me just as much as his bio children. And there's nowt inappropriate about that.

It is his house. He is on the deeds and the mortgage. He offered to put me on the deeds a while ago when we finally managed to get his ex-wife off the deeds (long story), but at the time we were already having problems and I said I didn't want to be on them as it meant I wouldn't be able to get housing benefit if I moved out.

Trust me, I've been thinking about this for a long, long time.

If anyone moves out it will be me. I lived on my own before I met him, I have no problems about doing it again.

The thing is, i always threaten to move when we're arguing, and he always pulls me back in, I know he's doing it and I hate myself every single time for giving in. But he can be very loving and charming and I remember why I loved him in the first place.

But I know it's just a matter of time before we'll argue again and I'll think, "Why didn't I move out last time!"

I have a list of houses to rent on Rightmove - what does that tell you!

I guess I feel that I promised I would stay and try the counselling, and I feel I ought to stick with that promise.

"But I did promise I would stay if we gave the counselling a try. I am hoping the counsellor will see him for what he really is

Please see him for what he is yourself!!!

you have started cousnelling and nothing has changed no epiphany.
he may or may not have dropped your dd on the floor.
that is reason enough to say -enough - i am moving out -

you may or may no wish to continue to pursue this relationship from the safety of your own home . your choice.

read the cycle of abuse - www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html you know it is happneing. only you can break the cycle because up to now your threats to move out have been meaningless to him.
you fell for a charming bully. like many of them.

look at it from your poor dds' persppective.

like you say you been thinking a long time (and you only been with him three years !!!)
so act. today. go view those properties and move out. cut contact for some time. he isnt their bio father - they dont need to see him.

I'm sorry but what the hell is blaming the H because the OP smacks her child about? If the OP smacks her child then that's her responsibility - you both sound as bad as each other to me - it's clear this is a volatile relationship in which you both lose it.

It's clear the DCs are better off out of there - what's not clear if where the OP intends to stop smacking her child so hard and so often that she recognises the Childs "you hurt me cry".

I wonder sometimes honestly - these children are being subjected to emotional abuse from their SD and physical abuse from their mum.

Both parents are as bad as each other - sigh.

Yes I bet your kids will think the world of you for keeping your promise to him when they are old enough to understand.

What about what you owe them? The right to a happy, stress free, loving, nurturing childhood with adults who love them.

Counselling won't work with an abuser. You will be twisted inside out and really start believing you are in the wrong.

Anyway I am out. This thread is too .

You don't have to wait until he shouts at you, calls you a cunt or hurts your dd again before you leave. You can leave today or at least put wheels in fast motion.

also what the counsellor thinks is irrelevant - it is what you think and do that matters.
the counsellor can ask leading questions. they cant sit there saying "well gladiolus do you realise he is an abusive man?" hey wont ell your h "you ar a bully" tho they may ask him to consider the effecs of his words...
no no -s/he will say - "what do you think?"
"how do you feel when he does that?"

and they can even hlp jsutify - eg my exp in amily therpay banged his fis on table and threateneed to wlak out - they said "i can see you feel very strongly about this "

this then became to him "well the family therapist said it was ok to smash things up" ....

a counsellor may also say - if you see individually - "abusive men dont abuse 24/7" "bullies can also be charming" as a statment of fact generality - but they wont tell you what or who your h is. it has to be your awakening.

you have the responsibility here - not the counsellor.

Your dd did like him? But stopped when she realised he didnt like her back?

She has to live her life with someone who makes her unhappy because it suits you. How horribly selfish.

And you decided to end it when he called you a fucking cunt? Not because he makes you poor little girl miserable?

Stop being so spineless, he doesnt 'draw you back in' what is he, magic? Ffs, take some responsibility for yourown actions. You stay because on some level it suits you, you know he's nasty, you know your little girl is unhappy around him but the bits that make you happy are obviously worth it.

He's a nasty peice of work and you're a spineless, selfish fool. Poor little girl being stuck with the pair of you.

Applauds LowFlyingBirds.

This is exactly what you are doing.

I think people are being horrid to you because you admitted smacking your DD and people feel sorry her.

Rather nasty words ladies. Her partner sounds manipulative and being effected by a manipulative person does not maker her "spineless". You should think yourselves lucky you have never been in this position.

OP please please leave him.

Toni - i dont need to think myself lucky that ive never been in that position. Its fuck all to do with luck. Im not a hapless observer of my own life.

...And neither is gladiolus.

No, NameChangeaGoGo, if people are being horrible to the OP it isn't because she has admitted smacking her child, it is because she knows that her husband is bad news for her dd but she still stays. But yes, people do feel sorry for the little girl.

Jesus! This is Relationships not AIBU!

No namechange, its not because she admitted to smacking her, its because she added thats how she recognises the "you hurt me cry", its not just a smack, it it.

Also reading between the lines, the "I give as good as I get" part, doesnt smack me as a calm environment for kids.

Nor does staying with someone who doesnt like your kids.

Nor does leaving a man, you know doesnt like your children, to deal with DDs tantrums, after the OP had been reduced to smacking her.

Nor does refusing DD a cuddle (I have my own thread about tantrums they are a nightmare but I never refuse a hug, never).

I could go on and on about the things I dont like, but I think they are both being abusive to the DDs.

Some of the nastiest manipulative men can be incredibly charming "nice" people, sometimes the monster only reveals itself a year or two in. There are many reasons why people stay in unsavoury situations and it doesn't automatically make them "spineless".

You underestimate the power that some people can hold. The way people can wear down and manipulate a person. It's not pleasant.

The fear of what may happen can scare people into staying. Threats etc. Not everybody can jump ship quickly. What about finances? If you live in the home of somebody else you have little right to it. If you don't work or can't afford to buy rent where are you meant to go? Not everybody has loving friends and family willing to offer them a home. The council wait list is around 6years average. Being chucked in a mother and baby unit or a hostel can mean your living in a damaging environment too.

It's easy to sit at home typing away pointing out peoples mistakes and telling them to leave. Reality is very different.

Regardless of how easy you think the decision for the OP is, how do you think insulting her is going to help?

You know what, there is some truth in this whole mess of a thread. I am being selfish, staying for what little pleasure I get out of it, and that tiny part of me that still loves the man he can sometimes be, while my kids are miserable.

Unlike some unfortunate women, I HAVE lived on my own, I CAN cope, and I don't need a man to validate me. I'm not staying because I'm scared to be on my own - that's not it at all.

I guess part of it is that when I met him I was 36, never been married, single mum to two kids, and we fell pretty deeply and quickly. He was good-looking, charming, gentlemanly, attentive and we had a lot in common. And he actually liked me and wanted to marry me. No one had ever wanted to marry me before!

So if I walk away, then its an admission that I failed. But I never expected marriage to be so hard. So part of me is saying, "Marriage is hard, you have to work at it," while the other part of me is saying, "Why should I stay if I'm miserable?"

You don't know whether he dropped her or she fell, but you do know that you don't trust him. That's the crucial part. And if you can't trust him, you know it's wrong to expose your child to him.

I hope your counsellor or someone/anyone can help you gain the clarity and strength you need to move yourself and your dd out.

Look,
Gladiolus is in a horrid situation and needs help and understanding.
Condeming her is wrong.

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard for most people for a whole load of reasons.
Yes ideally people would leave at the first sniff of abuse, but that almost never happens.

It's hard not to get swept along and question your own sanity.

It's difficult isn't it, because of course everyone says that marriage is hard work, but when it's your own you think 'is it really supposed to be this hard? Really?'

Thing is, gladiolus, I don't think marriage is hard. Not if it's with the right person. With the wrong person it is very, very, very hard indeed (even without the abuse factor).

You must put your children first, you know that.

treadwarily

I agree! That is the crucial part.

Gladious

If you are in the situation where you can leave, please do so. The wellbeing of you and your children is far more important than whether your marriage works.

Your children deserve to grow up in a stable environment. They clearly do not have one at the moment and you admit so yourself.

Whether your partner and children like each other doesn't matter, it is how they treat each other that does matter. Clearly you worry about how your partner treats your child so you NEED to put a stop to this now.

Marriage maybe hard work but you MUST put your children's safety first.