"Daddy dropped me on the floor"

[gladiolus]

I have been having some problems with my dh - we're going to relationship counselling after he admitted he needed help. He can be verbally abusive and manipulative, twisting my words to mean something other. I can give as good as I get in return, but I would rather not have to, KWIM?

I've been on the verge of leaving him so many times, but this takes the biscuit.

My youngest dd is 4.5 and when I met my dh she was not quite 1, so she thinks of him as her daddy. She can be very willful and is testing her boundaries at the moment.

Last night she was being an absolute PITA, refusing to put her colouring pencils away at bedtime and basically having a tantrum. After we had given her repeated chances and warnings, my dh finally picked her up bodily and carried her upstairs, saying she was going to bed with no story and no song as punishment for her behaviour.

So far, no problem, she really was being a little madam and I had smacked her bottom. I know some people don't agree with smacking, but that's another discussion.

Anyway, when they got upstairs to her bedroom I heard a big thump and a cry from her. I am familiar with my dd's cries, this one was her "You hurt me cry" but her "I fell over and hurt myself" cry, which is totally different. I hear the "you hurt me" cry when I smack her bottom and when I accidentally pull her hair when I'm brushing it (she has very long curly hair and it gets knotty easily - I do try not to pull but now and again it happens).

The point is, this one was definitely the "you hurt me" cry, it had that undertone of accusatory aggrievedness in it.

My first thought was, "OMG, he's dropped her on the floor," as that is exactly what it sounded like. Then he started yelling at her to get undressed. She still needs a it of help getting undressed so I went upstairs to help her as it wasn't fair for him to yell at her to do something she can't do.

So, we got her to bed and she went quite docilely, no protests at all.

After, I asked him plainly what the noise was I had heard and he said she had thrown herself to the floor after he'd put her down.

But this morning when I was getting her ready for school, I didn't put words in her mouth at all, I simply asked her, "Last night, when Daddy took you upstairs, what happened?"

And she instantly replied, "Daddy dropped me on the floor."

I know sometimes children can be aggravating and she really was at her worst last night, but this is really too much, isn't it?

I haven't spoken to him yet. I took her to nursery this morning and went for a run and he's still in bed.

Ok seems like a full scale war has erupted on this thread. Don't suppose it's going to help the OP.

Children often do not see the part they play in events and will often accuse people of being responsible for hurting them. OP I think you should of asked your partner what had happened/ what the noise had been when you went upstairs instead of leaving it to the next day. However hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The thing I find most worrying is the lack of trust you have in your partner. If you would question whether your partner had purposely hurt your child then I think you have a worrying situation that should perhaps be mentioned in one of counselling sessions. You mentioned you have considered leaving him many times, what holds you back? For the sake of yourself and your children please do not tolerate abuse.

Many toddlers are terrible at bedtime. Another poster mentioned that bad behaviour can be because of tiredness. What time does your child go to bed? Perhaps they need an earlier bedtime. Good structure and routine are very good for combating behaviour. A bedtime should not be altered as punishment but a child must be taught there are consequences for bad behaviour. Ie. if you don't put your colouring pencils away then you won't be able to use them etc. Tidying up should always be a requirement and not every now and again.

Just to add OP your DH sounds like he has an antisocial personality.

All the counselling in the world won't help.

It's not an illness , there is no cure.

You just have to prioritise your DC and think about the environment that you are raising them in.

It doesn't sound a 100% physically and emotionally safe place for them to grow up.

What do you want for them?
They deserve the best start in life.
Only you can give it to them.

Don't be under any illusion that counselling will help. It won't.

whatnamethistime

I see where your coming from but the "you hurt me cry" doesn't mean that the woman is a child beater. My parents rarely smacked me but I still had a "you hurt me cry" from being beaten up by older cousins etc...

I could certainly see DD2 ending up on the floor not her bed at that kind of age when in a strop.

She would certainly blame the adult that was with her.

She is never in the wrong.

Well this one's run and run hasn't it? If I were the OP I'd be tempted to hide this thread now I think.

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound dismissive of previous posts. Just more that there's already plenty to think about.

OP, really, as I said before, look after YOUR babies and get him the frig out.

It's scary stuff but it has to happen huh.

You will get masses of support here, you really will.

xtoni

Except the OP has clearly stated she recognises the "you hurt me" cry from when the OP smacks DD.

I have seen this before - 2 disci

2 disciplinarians raising childrens with no tempering influence - it's horrible.

I agree with Imperial Blather this isn't about one incident, which if it happened in my house I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt was an accident, but it is worrying you don't.

But the other stuff, his nasty side/abusive language, his need to rule the roost, his need to discipline your children (when given the option to butt out as they are not his children and I can't imagine they like him very much, his inability to praise them. This all sounds awful and if I were a little one in this situation I would be feeling very sad and wondering why my mum wasn't sticking up for me.

He's over the top with discipline and control, what are you going to do to stop him? (and by the way, I do think you should give up smacking, the whole household is way too aggressive in the first place and it seems to be far too frequent, not an absolute last resort).

Whatnamethistime

It's a thread, it is a bit of a snapshot and it doesn't mean that she purely just smacks her child.

To be controversial here, I don't think smacking a child makes somebody a bad parent. Personally I think smacking shows a parent has lost control of a situation and is a negative reinforcement that violence is okay. Saying that I know my dad gave my bum a smack every now and again as a child when I was really naughty and it certainly wasn't child abuse and I don't use violence to solve problems as an adult...

The one thing that needs to be concentrated on in this thread (in my opinion) is the lack of trust the OP has for her partner. If you worry your child is being purposely hurt by your partner then he is not somebody you should be living with.

Just popped back to say sorry I must have been confusing various threads and I too can't see any reference to the OP being hit by "D"H. Nothing more helpful to add, think everyone has said all there is to be said. Very sad all round.

Your daughter may just be innocently putting her slant on things. When my daughter was little she fell over my leg out of the front door, landed on her head on the drive and need stitches in her forehead. I was trying to block her escape, phone in one hand, answering door with other.

At A&E the nurse asked her what happened. She looked all forlorn as she said "Mummy pushed me over"

Your dh doesn't need to hit her does he? He winds you up so you do it.

peers in

Bloody hell, you were all busy weren't you?

I've only just got back on here and I'm really not sure how to respond to a lot of this. One question that jumps out from the reading of the thread is that one person asked me why I married him if my dd1 didn't like him.

Well, when we got married, she did like him. This is one of the problems we have had. She has tried so hard to love him, but he doesn't return it. When I talk to him about it, he just says it would be inappropriate for him to love a female child who is not his.

Now, she just tolerates him and avoids him most of the time, and yes, this was a factor in me wanting to leave.

Someone also asked me why I wanted to leave him. Basically, when he's in a mood, he's an absolute shit. He can't control his tongue; everything that comes out is nasty or twisted. I try so hard to remain calm and not to lose my temper and respond likewise, and the more I try not to let him rile me, the more he tries to do it.

When I brought this up in counselling, he said that when I do that he feels like I'm trying to be the superior one, like, "Ooh look at me, I'm better than you because I'm being nice!" I told him how messed up that was and that he can't hold it against me because I'm trying not to have an argument with him.

And then when I do finally crack and give it back to him, naturally I'm in the wrong, even though he's probably been a shit to me for the last half hour.

The thing that made me finally decide that was it was when he called me a fucking cunt.

He's called me other things before but never that. I was leaving, I was packing my bags, but he broke down and begged me, he told me he knew he was wrong, he was bad, he shouldn't have said that and he promised to get help.

And that, dear readers, him saying he would get help, was the only reason I stayed.

I know he's a shit, but he has never been violent, either to me or to the girls. And I know it's abuse, and he knows it's abuse.

But I did promise I would stay if we gave the counselling a try. I am hoping the counsellor will see him for what he really is.

Oh, and I don't deliberately pull my daughter's hair, whichever nice person suggested that one. I defy anyone who has a daughter with long curly hair to say she's never accidentally snagged it on the comb. Schwarzkopf detangling spray is the best, though.

So its ok to smack your child if your off winds you up? I take it that applies to men as well?

I refer you to my previous post: :)

"gladiolus Tue 22-May-12 16:42:17
I don't recall blaming myself smacking her on him winding me up

I already agreed that both of us dealt with last night poorly."

Sorry that should say if dh winds you up.

"but he doesn't return it. When I talk to him about it, he just says it would be inappropriate for him to love a female child who is not his."

I told myself I would stay away from this thread but ffs are you serious??

I am so for your and your girls OP. Please, please sort this out. Its awful, just awful.

You say he has never been violent but its the next step. I promise you it is. I don't care who says I am pushing my own agenda here, its true.

He is an abusive man, you can defend yourself, your children cannot. But I think you know all this. I think you are coming here to confirm that you are right to leave him and give up on this marriage. And you are, you really are.

I think you have the measure of him; you don't need. affirmation from the counsellor

Why do you need the counsellor to see him for what he is? Why is you and your dd seeing him for what he is not enough? Second chances are all well and good but only when the abuser acknowledges what he has done, is doing everything he can to get help and change and apologises with meaning.

Give it up. Walk away. You are not good together and your child is feeling the result of it.

I don't often post on these threads, but this really jumped out at me: it would be inappropriate for him to love a female child who is not his.
Question: Would he find it inappropriate to love a male child who is not his?
Why does he stress the 'female'? Why is it inappropriate? He is supposed to be her step-father. To me, this says he can only think about relating to females in one of two ways: as a blood relation, or as a sexual target.

I'm sorry, but this would be a deal breaker in spades to me. Never mind any promises of not abusing me again, never mind any attempts to get help. I'd be gone. Please OP, think very carefully about this utterance of his, I find it deeply concerning.

Your last post. Just leave. Really, just leave. Your poor, poor children. You will lose them in the end, you know. For the sake of staying with an absolute shit.

Just leave! He's horrible, actively horrible, you don't like him, he is damaging your children. Just leave. And this time, don't fall for him LYING to you that he can change. He can't, he doesn't want to, why waste SO SO MUCH - your happiness and that of your daughters - on him?

"he just says it would be inappropriate for him to love a female child who is not his."

Tell that to the thousands and thousands of men all over the country who have taken their stepchildren to their hearts. Agree with fluffy animal that his attitude - to love, to families, to women/girls - is all wrong.

I worry that your girls will see you, in the future, as having put a bloke above them. And then they will think that they are worth nothing. Think about that.