Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

spraying!!

My friend's life in her residence is also much calmer now that her abusive tool of a partner has left. My friend has her life back to boot.

I've asked DS what he thinks of DP on numerous occasions...9 times out of 10 he says that he likes him and likes having him here and gets excited about going to the airport to pick him up....but then after a few days he starts with 'u love him more than me'. I asked him why he says this and he said its because whenever DP is here I sit next to him and not DS. This isn't true...in restaurants i sit next to DS to help him cut his dinner etc and at home i sit in the middle of the pair of them...if they let me on the couch that is!!! Most of the time they sit together, playing on the computer, or watching cartoons together and i dont get a look in. Thats the weird thing...sometimes they get on so so well and i feel a bit left out! Mad eh?

When i very first got together with DP, DS was really difficult, really really naughty, spitting and hitting DP and this was in the very early days when everythin between us was perfect. I spoke to a few people about it and they said DS is probably just jealous as it was the first boyfriend i'd had who'd spend an extended period of time with us etc...but now sometimes i feel like its the other way round, that DP is jealous of DS. I dont think he had the greatest upbringing and sometimes he makes comments about DS being spoilt (which he is a bit, especially since moving him to spain, i've kinda tried to overcompensate for dragging him away from everything he knew).

I just feel really confused still :(

The trick with DCs is to get them chatting to someone else when you are not there. Someone they get on well with who can bring it into conversation without asking questions-ideally when they are doing another activity or going for a walk. That way you get the truth-as long as they don't twig they are being asked. You are too close-DCs tend to tell parents what they think the parent wants to hear.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????????????????? After all of my ranting and raving about DP i am now a nervous wreck because i haven't heard from him letting me know he landed back in the UK. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me. Have just checked the Easyjet website and know his plane landed at 18.25 yet he has still not called me...WHY AM I BOTHERED???????????????????????? I'm making myself so so angry now!

ccaatthhyy2, don't you have an essay to write?

As I said before, this man is stealing your time and your experiences. Time to put a stop to it, no?

I agree! Have just been googling affirmations instead of writin my essay! haha! "I am a strong independent woman!!!!"
Am on cup of coffee number 2 and have got my notes spread out in front of me. I will only think about my essay tonight!!! Wish me luck :) xx

Good luck! You don't need it, really. You just need to make you and your son your focus from now on.

He's punishing you. You don't deserve to know whether he's OK or not. After all, you weren't all nicey-nicey earlier were you? Not toeing the line. He thinks you'll be panicking thinking that he doesn't love you any moreand that he's leaving you, and that's exactly what he wants you to think, so he'll keep you in that nice state of disequilibrium until he feels like letting you know that it's all OK, at which point you'll be so pathetically grateful that he'll have everything back how he wants it with you firmly back in your place.

Spend the time on your essay and then have a good time. Go off for the w/e somewhere nice, chat up a nice Spaniard, drink some Sangria and eat ice creams on the beach.

Sounds like a plan Jux!! Am rewarding myself with checking MN after every 100 words written! haha!

got for it (and have a hot Spaniard or two for me, won't you. My days for that are long over....)

Being with someone should make your life easier not more difficult.

Could you imagine having a child with this man?!

Have been reading your thread and you sound like a nice person with a lovely son ....and do know something somewhere out there is a nice, kind man who will treat you and your son well - dump the waste of space and let yourself be free - you deserve much much more and so does your son

You are 100% right that he is jealous of your DS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You are addicted to him.
You need to go cold turkey. You will feel shaky and it will be painful, but you need to put his things in a package and post them to him and then you need to never communicate with him again. Don't answer his calls or texts except to tell him he is not to come to see you ever again, and don't contact him.

He will know exactly what happened and he will know why. He has been expecting this all along. The more you put up with him the less he will like you and respect you and the more he is baffled and out of sorts, forced to confront his inner emptiness and self loathing, and inclined to lash out at you and at your DS whom he can see is loved in a way he was possibly not. You can never have a good relationship with him.

So glad you made it through the week and that you're back - have been checking in regularly to see if you'd posted.

Agree with other posters, particularly happyhissy. You deserve so much more than this man. Don't contact him, just send back his gear and a note to say it's over. Then you're free to focus on your son and your studies and living the wonderful life YOU have created for yourself

i agree...i am 'addicted' to him...i have been since day one. For some reason i've had him on a pedestal and i've got no idea why.

He rang me about an hour ago to tell me he got home safely, complained about his flight and the fact that he was still tired and then told me he was having an early night because tomorrow he's goin to the hospital about his bite. We were only on the phone for about 2 minutes. I feel like he's aware of how i feel...and we're both kind of skirting the fact that this is the end of us. Its almost as though we're both unhappy and neither of us are strong enough to say 'listen, enough is enough'. Im unhappy (for all the reasons above) but I know he is too, I can tell by the way he acts around me and DS sometimes. I think he's unhappy in general, he's out of work, struggling to get a job, find money, we're arguing...I know i shouldnt, but i feel sorry for him.

He's an adult - he needs to take responsibility for himself, that means living on his own, doing his own chores and applying for jobs himself. No one else should be doing those things for him. His life is crappy because he is doing nothing to make it change. At 33 he needs to take a long look at himself and decide what he wants his life to be like. Having his mum and you be his crutches support him is not helping him grow up!

Agree with previous poster who said he knows he's not good enough for you, why else would he bully and demean you unless to bolster his own limited self esteem. You know now that you deserve better. You dreaded his arrival, didn't enjoy the week and felt relief when he left. You know it's over. It's ok to feel sad about that. It's not ok to keep dragging you or your son through such an emotional minefield. Please be kind to yourself and just call him to say it's over.

What is he actually doing to change his situation? He's not even taking charge of looking for a job! He seems to be just laying down his responsibilities as an adult at your feet. You don't have to pick them up.

You are strong enough. Really, you are.

Essay!

Or - sleep! (given the time)

Am over halfway through my essay!! Am givin in to sleep in a minute tho, its 12.30 in Spain and i've got to be up in 6 hours!!! :( I feel a lot stronger though and feel a lot closer to tackling the problem!

"I know i shouldnt, but i feel sorry for him."

Who is feeling sorry for you Cathy?

Who is looking out for you? Who is looking at how they can help you? how they can help your life be easier?

All he has done is make things hard, both before the visit, during and after.

You are 'addicted' so you say. That implies loss of control.

Loss of control is unhealthy. Every. Time.

Take charge of your life, YOU have the son, the job, the responsibilities, YOU need to lead the decision making in your life. Or you need to be with someone that truly works for ALL of you. Your DS included.

This man is not the one for you. the addiction/spark is a WARNING.

Trust your instincts. Trust MN.

Tomorrow when you wake up you will know that you have to get your life back, that you have to end this farce.

What did this eejit leave in your flat btw? did I miss that bit?

Feeling sorry for him is the addiction speaking. Stop thinking he needs you to save him or set his life right. He hasn't yet thanked you for it and he won't. All you got for doing his cv and job applications was insults. Thinking he needs you is the addiction talking again. He needs you like he needs a hole in the head.

Put his stuff in a package and post it and send a note telling him it's over. You don't owe an explanation other than 'it wasn't working for me'. You can do this. Lucky you, he isn't there full time.

I really recommend you read a book by Melody Beattie 'Co-Dependent No More'

Here are some quotes from the author:
'?Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.?

-Cathy: be grateful for your DS and for the opportunity you have to further your education and have a rewarding job. Don't look for new worlds to conquer to fill any gap you have inside. What you have, right now, under your nose, is precious. And you are responsible in a very serious way for what you have when that precious thing is your child.

?[Gratitude] turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.?

?I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.?

I have only just seen your thread and I've just read all of your posts (only a few of everyone elses though).

I would just like to add to the general chorus and say that he isn't good enough for you and he's certainly not good enough for your DS :(

He hasn't grown up and never will. There are reasons his last gf was when he was at school/uni/whatever it was.

I don't want to copy & paste everything you have said - but honestly, you would only have to read your own posts to see that you should make this The End.

What can we do that will give you the courage to tell him that it's over?

As an aside, if you and DS are having a great time in Spain do you need to come back? Can you not finish your degree from there? I lived there for a while and made the mistake of coming back to the UK. I wish I hadn't - I loved the lifestyle there and now it's too complicated to get back there . Think hard :)

I am also a single parent with a six year old son and the first thing I look for in any potential partner is their ability to be a good step parent. My last two relationships/involvements were with men who straight away were completely comfortable being around my DS (although they didn't have extensive involvement with him as we never reached the stage where I knew we were for keeps and I am always worried about my DS bonding too quickly with my boyfriends- his own dad isn't around and he very much latches onto any males in my life- male relatives and friends and boyfriends- very quickly, and I would hate him to get hurt by us splitting up). One of them was a father himself, the other was very child friendly. It is very much a deal breaker for me quite early on in a relationship.

My DS and I are a package- how any man treats my son is more important to me than how he treats me (one of my exes actually was far worse with women than he was with kids- I never had any doubt he'd be a great step father to DS, it was with me that he had difficulty when it came to treating me right).

I couldn't contemplate becoming involved with any man who had any doubts from the off and I would be livid if any man wound up my son- I'd probably deck them! Not all men can be good step parents and I understand that but I would rather be single than wait around for a man to be become comfortable around my son and learn good step parenting. My DS's happiness is far too fragile for him to be a guinea pig. If I was to go long term with any man or move in with him, he would have to love DS as much as he loves me. that might sound idealistic but until DS is an adult, it's the only way forward for me and relationships and I believe it should be that way for all single parents.
Good luck!

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ I can also recommend this site, it is amazing. It felt like it was speaking to me personally with regards to one of my exes. Every time you feel low or feel like contacting him or feel weak, just read this site. They also have a facebook page which posts really helpful regular updates to keep you motivated.