Am I expecting too much?? Be prepared for a LOOOONG rant now :)

[ccaatthhyy2]

Have been with my DP for 18 months now, he is not my 6 yr old DS's dad (he's not in the picture and never has been). I moved to Spain in September 2011 but prior to that my DP would come and visit me and my son, and stay over at our house maybe 3 nights a week. At first, my DS didn't like him, I understand why...it was the first time i'd had a 'proper' boyfriend who was around so much, and he was jealous, a bit insecure etc. Nowadays they have a pretty good relationship...although they torment each other quite a lot, DP sometimes being worse than DS. Since living in Spain DP has visited us for at least one week a month and things are going great! Im moving back to England at the end of June and we're planning on moving in together, me, DS and DP. I just wondered...how much input should I expect from DP? He's coming to visit me tomorrow and i've got a LOT of uni work to do (Am a mature student and this is my year abroad, am living and working in Spain as part of my degree) so asked DP whether he would take DS to the park a couple of afternoons this week so I could concentrate on my work without DS hanging round my neck! DP was sooooo put out by this! They havent spent THAT much time together alone...in December I had to go to Barcelona for the night and DP babysat...then last time he was here he looked after DS while I had parent's evening...and that's pretty much it! I know he's not his dad...but after 18 months shouldn't he be a bit more...I dont know, 'dad like'??? Or am I expecting too much?

Also...my best friend and her boyfriend have been to visit this weekend, they both work full time (she's a doctor and he's a scientist) and they own a house together. I was speechless when her boyfriend washed the dishes after dinner the other night...and then did their ironing, without being asked, yesterday morning!!! My DP hardly EVER lifts a finger! When he's here, or when he used to visit my old house in England, i did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing for both him and my DS...sometimes i swear it's like having 2 children! He's 33, still lives at home and was made redundant over a year ago and is struggling to find work...I dont want to nag him and do everything I can to help him, I did his CV, help him apply for jobs etc...so is it wrong for me to want a little bit of help around the house or with my DS? My best friend was horrified when i told her my DP does nothing and gave me a real talking to...which has made me question EVERYTHING for the past 24 hrs!!! Any advice?????? I love him, and to me, this is not a dealbreaker...but should I be putting my foot down and asking him to do more? xxx

It is always hard hearing what you don't want to hear-you can dress it up in your own mind and then strangers come on here-strip it bare and see it as it really is.
I don't think anyone is attacking-most people have had relationships that didn't work at some time or another.
Bear in mind that he has trouble with a 6yr old and you are in the early stages (honeymoon type period) of the relationship-just look ahead. Do you really want it in 7yrs time when he doesn't have to back track and even try to please you and he has a 13yr old to deal with? Do you want to be a buffer between him and a stroppy teenager, or even an easy going, teenager? Do you want your DS moving away asp? If this was your mother posting would you really want her to take on a partner like this?

I didnt even think of the teenage years!!!!! :)
I know this is probably a stupid question...but if he didnt love me, why would he come here all the time? He uses what little money he has to book flights to come and see me every couple of weeks, and talks about us moving in together and our future...why would he do that if he doesnt have genuine feelings for me?

I think he may well love you in his way. I think mine did too. I thought love would conquer all, it didn't. Love without corresponding loving behaviour is not worth suffering for imho. I also think in my own case that because of my upbringing I was mixed up and feeling emotional pain and feeling love were linked - could that be the case with you?

I do think his feelings are genuine, but his expression of them and his actions as a result is a huge, huge problem.

You have two choices here quite bluntly. Because of the sake of your love for each other you accept whatever he throws your way.

Or for the sake of your child and your long term well-being, you get rid.

Because he wants someone to wait on him hand and foot and he thinks you're it. At the moment he's making sure that he can hang onto you when you're back in the UK and you finish your degree and earn money and give him a home and still wait on him hand and foot.

But frankly, he doesn't love you. Anyone he could sucker in would do. Anyone whom he can make put up with it would do. He's chosen you because you're vulnerable and are scared he'll leave you. Once you start standing up to him he'll either get very nasty indeed, or dump you. I wouldn't take the risk that he'd take the first option though. I'd just dump him. Now.

What Jux said. Why wouldn't he want you, you are obviously a lovely person, with great initiative and prospects, AND you wait on him hand and foot (I'm sorry, but I'm still spluttering about him moaning that you weren't doing HIS job applications!). He's nowt but a leech my dear, turn the question around, why on earth would you want him?

He is probably in love with the idea of you - of having a successful partner who works hard at her own career/studies, but can still be persuaded to scurry round after him at home. Having you, a successful women, looking after him and catering to his needs makes him feel like he is important too. He is buoying up his own sense of worth by having you beneath him, doing his menial work that in his mind he is too important to do.

Really loving someone is about showing that love, by doing what you can to make their life an easier, better experience for them. You don't have to be self-sacrificing about it, but if you have the time, energy and resources to lighten the load of the person you love, why would you not? He clearly does not ever intend to do this for you.

"He uses what little money he has to book flights to come and see me every couple of weeks, and talks about us moving in together and our future..."

Firstly, because its a bit of a holiday or a break from the norm for him and second, because talking about moving in together is just that. Talking.

Cathy: Do you know what I would love to read from you further down this thread - or indeed, another thread that you would start in, say 4 months' time?

"Hi, this is Cathy - you might not remember me, but I had a thread on here a while ago.

Anyway, I got rid of the abusive hanger-on and now it's just DS and I. My studies are going well. DS and I are off exploring on our free weekends, we are having SO MUCH FUN! He is such good company, his spirit is free and not being crushed by someone who didn't want him as part of the package....

DS and I have been to * and have tried the local food, we've been walking round the city, exploring, eating heaps of ice cream, etc. etc. etc.

Our lives have changed dramatically for the better. It's sunny, and we're free!"

Now this is what I want to read.....

I'm not saying this guy is abusive, but he is calling all the shots and he is frankly NOT good enough for you.

You and your son are a family, anyone that wants 'in' on your life has to be worthy of your son. Has to love you BOTH. You need a GOOD man to show your son what a good man is, how to be a decent man.

This bloke couldn't teach your boy a thing, only that he's in the way. Imagine the damage that will do to him to see that his mum loves a man that doesn't like him much. She knows this but it's OK somehow cos she carries on with him.

NO! Fuck that! Your boy is a gift, a blessing and a man to be proud of in the making, he doesn't deserve to be merely tolerated, he needs to be loved, just as you do.

You are interviewing for the best job in the world; To be Loved by YOU. so be diligent, be demanding and don't settle for a lesser candidate. Hold out for the right person for that position. YOU are worth that, your boy is worth that.

We are ALL worth that!

This is an all too familiar story for me. It is exactly like an 18 month long relationship I had at uni.

My exP was very messed up too and I believed I could fix that (what an idiot I was back then!). We visited each other at uni every month or so and in the holidays lived in the same town.

I would spend my whole time at uni pining for him and planning all these lovely things to do together and then as soon as we saw each other he would invent an argument and it would be ruined.

I think the only thing that kept us goinv was distance. If we had lived together I would've got rid of him v.quickly.

I spent a good yrar waiting for the right time to split up with him- he always had exams, his dad was ill, it was christmas etc. I thought he wouldnt cope without me. All this time was wasted thinking about him when I shouldve been focussing on me and my degree!

I split up with himat christmas. Had had enough and had met my gorgeous current dp. We havn't spoken since and he has failed his degree ( he was always patronising me at how clever he was and how stupid i am).

So my question is, if you were together all the time could you put up with him?

Ditch him op!!

And once you've graduated, got your dream job, but, well, it involves longish hours so he'll need to look after ds for you a couple of times a week and maybe at short notice, but as you're living together you'd think he would; but actually,now you're earning, he'll be using your money to pay for a fairly expensive hobby (and you're fine with that, it makes him happy and maybe even increases his chances of getting a job for himself), but oh dear, he can't be in that night to look after ds as he's got some incredibly important thing on which he can't possibly miss, so you're going to have to tell work you can't stay late, in fact you're going to have to leave early as Cocklodger will be leaving early..... And so it will go, and your career will go down the drain, all the hard work and sacrifices you've made to get your degree while also bringing up your lovely boy will have been for nothing.

I'm not kidding. This has happened to women I know.

Tell him he has to sort himself out, live on his own looking after himself, managing a budget, shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, all of it. If he can do that for a year then you will consider moving in together. He also has to make friends with ds, but I'd keep them apart for a good few months until he's absolutely sown you that he knows how to treat a woman with respect, as that's what ds will see and learn.

How are you going to change him into Mr Wonderful?

Am asking since you feel under attack and since you think it's great sometimes -- how are you going to make sure it's great all the time?

Because if you're not happy with him now, either he is going to have to change or you are going to have to change -- unless you like being unhappy. If you can't change, then you are going to have to change him. How are you going to do that?

...Do you really not realise that that week was a snapshot of your life if you move in together?

I know it was...which is why i've firmly shelved the idea.

He's just left anyway...he met me after school with a face like thunder because he was tired, (Apparently me and DS made too much noise gettin ready this morning), hungry (there's food in the fridge) and thirsty (there's also drinks in the fridge). He was narky because it was hot (erm...i live in Spain) and because his arm was hurting and because he couldnt find my house keys (which were on the kitchen table).
I asked him why he hadnt slept through the night, both me and DS had but DP hadnt...he said it was because it was too hot (turn the air con on then!!!!!!!) and because his arm hurt (not my fault). I asked him why he hadnt got anything to eat this morning (cos he doesnt like spanish food) and then asked him why the fuck any of the above had ANYTHING to do with me? I think he was a bit speechless tbh cos his attitude changed a bit then and he was talkin about what he's left in mine for the next time he comes.
I was tired, hungry and hot too...plus had done a whole days work with hundreds of screamin spanish kids...but i didnt take it out on him or DS...i just got on with it.

So am now at home, pissed off, tired, sunburnt, have snapped at DS for no reason other than im in a nark, my feet are hurtin, my head's hurtin and i've gotta finish my essay :( could easily down a bottle of vino right now!

It sounds like your son would've coped better with being home alone that this guy! Even a 6yr old would figure out how to open the fridge.

Don't let him come back op! You can post anything he's left behind back to him.

Have a drink and a shower then a cuddle with your boy . You and your ds deserve much more than he will ever be able to offer you emotionally.

No downing a bottle of vino!.

Like all bullying and abusive types he backed off when you finally challenged him. That probably threw him a little, he was not expecting you to say anything. He'll be ready for that and counterattack verbally if you let him back into your residence.

Hope too you have now said sorry to your son. Give each other a cuddle.

Who died and made this bloke king?. He likes complaining and blaming you for all his inherent ills doesn't he?. Your 6 year old is more emotionally mature honestly!. He probably blames/resents you for his mossie bite as well.

What has he left behind?. Woud post his stuff back to him and tell him never to blighten your lives again. Do not let him back into your home unless you want a repeat of last week, a true snapshot of what your lives together would be like on a daily basis.

You have a choice re this man; your son does not. Your son truly deserves a better man for a stepfather.

It took my friend 8 years to get rid finally of her abusive tool of a partner and all of that has affected her child markedly as well as herself. He like this bloke blamed her for all his woes and inherent ills. She realised both painfully and finally he was not going to change. Hopefully it will take you far less time to reach the same conclusion as she did.

I hope so too...i think im almost there...i honestly do.

Have just had a cuddle on the sofa with DS and we watched some cartoons together. This sounds crazy but it's like the house is a different place when it's just us two...of course he's naughty sometimes and we argue now and again, but it's so much calmer when it's just me and him. If DP was here i'd be a nervous wreck, flitting between the two of them, panderin to their each and every need....am tired just thinking about it.

And, funnily enough, i did get the blame for the mossy bite!!!!!!!!!!! And to rub salt into the wound DS said proudly, 'well me and mummy haven't been bitten so it must be ur bad blood!" hahaha! xx

I LOVE your son Cathy! :D

'what he's left in mine for the next time he come' - what has he left, out of interest?

I also agree that it needs to be sent back. This is a holding position over you, he knows it. It means that he still has a reason to contact you. Send it back and say that tbh you would rather things be left for now. that you don't want to go out with him any more, and that your mind is made up.

Change your mobile number and email address, open a different skype account and delete this prick from your lives. really.

Your son HATES him Cathy, he really does. You HAVE to listen to the boy! Please?

'me and mummy' [heart skips a beat]

Please do not let this terrible man get in between you and your beautiful DS. Your DS would be punished so cruelly for being 'me and mummy'.

....

The stuff he has left is his foot in the door. It is a form of colonisation of your turf.

Your boy is a star! . Look at your little boy, do you need the turmoil and grief your partner brings into both your lives?

I know this is probably a stupid question...but if he didnt love me, why would he come here all the time?

He knows when he is onto a good thing!
My neighbour had a similar partner-they were together about 8 yrs and she and her 2 DCs had to tiptoe around his bad moods, which were never his fault. The change in the 2 DCs once he left was lovely, they were happy and relaxed in their own home.

Ask yourself OP - did you really enjoy the week with 'D'P - his behaviour is appalling. He accused your DS of being whiny but most of the whining came from him! Your DS will be picking up on the atmosphere DP is creating and in the way that children do may be blaming himself. Have a chat with your DS and ask him how he feels when DP is around - I think you might get a surprise. I think DP does want you on your own - so where does that leave DS? He will lose respect for you if you leave him exposed to an abuser and put your needs before his.

Think about why you would rather be in an abusive relationship (because it is emotionally abusive which is just as damaging as physical abuse) than on your own. Don't underestimate the pleasure of your own place, your own front door to chuck anybody that gives you any crap out of, fun and games and peace and quiet with DS! I like the idea of interviewing for the best job in the world - to be loved by you! So so true and sometimes it takes us years to learn it unfortunately.

"And, funnily enough, i did get the blame for the mossy bite!!!!!!!!!!! And to rub salt into the wound DS said proudly, 'well me and mummy haven't been bitten so it must be ur bad blood!" hahaha! xx"

Thought he would blame you for the mossie bite; my friend's ex was exactly the same. Think they all read the same abusers manual and they certainly all think along the same lines.

Love what you son said, made me laugh out loud so muchas gracias to him (my Spanish as you can see is well rusty these days). He is a star as well as being highly perceptive.

Repeat - get his crap out of your residence. Marking his turf like this is almost a form of spaying, its extremely undesireable.