to think dh should not have called me this on my birthday

[seenitallbefore2012]

"actually you are an ungrateful foul cow...."

because I said I didn't want chocolates.. yes I know that sounds awful but last week I had a very high cholesterol check and am panicking... I asked him not to get me chocolates this year for that reason... and apparently that is the [only] thing he got and I said I couldn't understand why he did as I was off anything like that.

seenit sorry, not ignoring you

I think the reason people are concentrating on scuzy right now is because she appeared to saying there was no problem with your P talking to you in such a disrespectful way

hopefully the responses to her are underlining how wrong that approach is x

Chaz sometimes i wish he'd hit me or something give me a valid reason for all to see for me leaving him. thats fucked up isnt it?!

Yes Scuzy - were you advised those things directly, or through him?

again seenit am sorry for hijacking.

Scuzy the world is scary and new but can only be better. It's a false security you have and if you don't want to do it for you be brave for your DC and let them have a chance for a relationship with both their parents apart but happier and not learning that they need to walk oneggshells to keep another human from being antagonised.

I think as well as thinking about yourself you need to think about how this will affect your ds long term, it's easier to be strong for our children than for ourselves sometimes.

to me directly.i was walking him through an argument and sometimes i will snap and give it back and was told not to antagonise him. that thats why he flares up.

Why don't you want to leave Scuzy?

And you do have a valid excuse,several of them,for leaving,not that you need to justify yourself to anyone,but emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as bad and harmful and devastating as physical.

scuzy, please don't worry it's absolutely fine x

i do long sometimes for it to be just me and ds but i think i have no confidence in myself. i would never find someone else. that i dont want someone else. that i love him. that i resent him. that i want him to be a good dad (and he is at times) and be in ds's life. i wish someone could make the decision for me.

but to be told that if i left i would find him hangin out of a tree has never left me. and he has threatened it a few times that i really believe him.

Well Scuzy that advice you were given was shite. Speak to Women's Aid and see what they have to offer instead. I am sure the advice will be quite different.

Seenitall - I also advise you to speak to Women's Aid. It sounds like your dh is a goader - he will nip and nip till you snap, then accuse you of souring the atmosphere.
Like he did today.

I'm just jaw on ground Scuzy. Please please beta separate psych, your respective illnesses should be treated as just that not some kind of co-dependent relationship councilling.

I hate bad psychs they have too much control.

Scuzy: You need to report these so-called professionals, they are seriously exceeding their jurisdiction. If your H 'needed' to verbally abuse or physically attack the neighbours the neighbours would not be told to suck it up and nor should you. Please believe that YOU MATTER, you do not have to accept being abused by this man just because he is 'ill'.

The only time a woman with an abusive partner should be advised to make nice and not antagonise him is in that short but dangerous spell when she is planning to leave: the goal then is to find a new home and/or get the relevant court orders to force the man out of the house/pack a few essentials and source necessary documents: you have to try to keep the peace then so you can get yourself and any children to a place of safety preferably without having to flee with nothing but what you stand up in.

Seenit: Your H is a prick, too. You can leave (or have him removed from the house). Tiptoeing round an abusive wanker's ego is no way to live.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around people,Scuzy.That isn't normal or right. You shouldn't have to feel that it's your fault if he kicks off. You're not in control of his behaviour.He is,and your psych is an idiot for suggesting otherwise. You need a new psych too.He's only adding to your problems,and reinforcing the hold your partner has over you.

I don't believe him scuzy

and if he did, it wouldn't be your fault

you are sacrificing a happy life for this man

I suspect he doesn't want to get better

did you have mental health problems requiring medication yourself, before he started taking out his illness on you ?

My apologies - i would love to chunter this out with both Seenitall and Scuzy but I'm very tired and must go to bed.

I will check back on this tomorrow.

Scuzy - I really hope you can see how unacceptable this all is for you. x

Seenit & Scuzy I think this is one of the really miserable and damaging things about emotional and verbal abuse. Because its not tangible and physical its all too easy to excuse it and minimise it, laugh it off as a misunderstanding or oversensitivity.

In fact, emotional and verbal abuse is like a corrosive liquid being dripped on to your self esteem and sense of self worth. It is so painful and damaging in a slow and insidious way.

I had a physically abusive parent and when someone has belted you in the face its quite hard to pretend its a misunderstanding. But when someone makes yet another of those comments that makes you feel just a bit more worthless sometimes its hard to recognise that it is happening.

You almost wish you could train yourself to have the MN standard "Did you mean to be so rude?" question ready but often the insult or dig has sneaked in and you only really notice it later.

am on anti depressants started off as PND but have had to keep taking meds to calm me down and cope with living with him.

oh i dunno guys .... we can be fine for a month and all rosy then one argument goes too far.

Get a not beta!

Scuzy you don't need anyone you can be just you and ds and you leaving actually means there is a chance he would be a better father with help.

Suicide is a selfish choice I believe he is unlikely to follow through, it's something done in a particular mental state, most that really mean it would never threaten, they just quietly go and do. and if he does, well you will live with it. This isn't love, not even close.

thanks pictish was not expecting this outburst from me at all ...thank you xx sleep well

I am completely gobsmacked that any creditable psychiatrist would counsel you both in such a way that dangerously reinforces such a co-dependent and damaging relationship, scuzy

seenit I second a call to Women's Aid. See what they have to say. You sound like you know what he is doing is wrong. Let the professionals reassure you too.

I doubt he will,Scuzy,and even if he does do it it would not be your fault.You are not responsible for his actions.Again it is classic abusive behaviour to blame the victim,and to threaten them,often with the threat of self harm. It is not something you should tolerate.

scuzy, you need to be medicated just to live with him

i keep being told with time things will improve and that he is seeking help and on meds so to give him a chance to get better. surely i owe him that after what i;ve done. he was not always like this ... was a loving man that made me feel special. he is now a shell of that man.

Scuzy.The periods of normality are typical of abuse too.They do this when it suits them,and to make you doubt yourself yet again.To make their victims think,well he can;t be all that bad,and perhaps we can make a go of it again. To make them seem like the reasonable ones.

I've taken this from a website.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse ? Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Guilt ? After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He?s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Excuses ? Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior?anything to avoid taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior ? The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning ? Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you?ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up ? Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser?s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

As you can see his behaviour is classic abusive behaviour.

Please call Womensaid as suggested,Scuzy and Seenit.