Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

He knows about the work guy and basically asked me not to see him anymore, and i havent since WTactualF???!!! You've allowed the twunt to dictate your love life?

but still while he dangles a carrot What carrot would that be? His mahoosive dick dangling between his legs, or his hand with the ow's name tattooed on his ring finger dangling over your purse?

I know how pathetic I sound In keeping the twunt as your insurance policy against lonlieness and letting him dictate who you see and don't see, you've gone way beyond pathetic - you've become an abject apology of a woman and you've done it yourself with no help from anyone else.

So what are you planning to cook for the twunt's Christmas dinner because at this rate you'll be taking him back in the very near future.

I think the fact that you have no long-standing support network of family and friends (with the exception of your brother in London, but brothers are often not the best in this sort of situation) makes you susceptible to your ex(?)'s manipulation.

After your parents died, he represented stability and continuity in your life, and it seems hard to give this up. But he broke the continuity by leaving you for OW (and I'm sorry, but I reckon he'd still be with her - and trying to screw money out of you - if she hadn't given him the elbow). And his tears and tantrums certainly aren't giving you stability.

You have a lot going for you - a good job, your own home, and the health to enjoy them. You are obviously likeable as you have acquired new friends and two interested guys in just a few months, so stop feeling sorry for yourself. And if you're lonely, well join the club - most people when pushed will admit that there's an element of loneliness in their lives, no matter what sort of front they put on.

If I were your mother - and I'm old enough to be - I'd be giving you a good telling-off for letting that wretched, wretched man stick his nose into your new love-life. Is there any point in us telling you not to do this to yourself?

On a different note entirely, The Sunday Times restaurant review was of a place in Whitstable - the Sportsman in Seasalter to be precise - and I read it with interest. Whitstable meant nothing to me before, but I thought of you straight away! Rod Liddle (a bit of a naughty boy, but we'll let that pass) gave it top marks for food and service. He said he couldn't imagine a better meal, in fact. In your place I'd get on to that bloke from work and suggest a meal there as a special treat.

With a bit of luck your ex will pass by as you're toasting each other. He can join in with his can of special brew (the tenth of the day), his face pressed to the window.

Hope you've cheered up by the time you read this.

but sweetie, he's a sleazebag extraordinaire. I mean, really eurgh . I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings but facts are facts. Staring you in the face.

Not only did he do a spectacularly shitty number on you but he went on to do all those sleazy things [thinking tattoo here amongst other things]. Now he's thinking 'uh-oh, I'm skint' and 'I chucked away that cushy number' and trying to get back in the warm. His tantrum when you 'helped' him find his money, which he was conveniently confused about finding hoping you'd say oh come on, I'll pay says it all. He wants you for your money.

come on, girl, you're made of better stuff than this. He's plunking your broken heart (more evidence of sleazebagdom) and you're in a funk, don't know what you're doing. Rather like somebody dying and then they turn up again like a miracle.

You said you'd had a bit of counselling? go back, get a full hour once a week to work this through. He is seriously ewww and everything you say confirms it. He is showing his true colours now - leave the bastard for goodness sake!

Please don't let him dictate what you do with you life. Please see the other the 'office guy' it sounded like you really enjoyed being with him.

Please don't allow your ex to ruin and more of life. I mean apart from telling you what you want to hear how has actually changed.

He still trying to worm his way back into your house/bank account. If he had really changed he would be improving your life by treating you right and making you happy. But he not is he. All he is doing is making you feel stressed and unhappy.

Get some counselling - I think you need a lot of help on working on your self esteem (it must be crap if you think you are only worth this vile man who does NOT love you).

He only loves your money. Sorry

< peeps in >

< runs away screaming >

There, look, you frightened AF - that's not easy!

starting - all the above posts are right and deep down you know it :(

give the other bloke a chance. It may not be forever, but its a starting point. and you are never going to get over the twunt while he is still in your life. I wish to god I could never see my twunt again, but dont have that option due to DD.

My counsellor told me this week, not to put labels on things. I said that a man I have met once (from POF) asked me to go the park with him and his kids, and has asked me and DD round for tea, but Im not ready for a relationship. She said, he wasnt asking for a relationship, he was asking you to go to the park! She said dont label things, just take it as it comes.

It is very hard to get over somebody, all of us that have been there know it and some of us are still struggling, but we WILL all get there in the end.

Listen lovely girl,from an old bag who has seen his like. He is who he has shown himself to be. You could persuade yourself this year was all a horrible dream, a one off, a mere blip. He knows you and your loving heart and as long as you let him he will keep using you. He sees your love as a weakness to use in his favour.

Please don't undo all your brave work and slip back in his clutches. One is never more alone than together with such a selfish calculating treacherous ex lover.

I can understand how you can miss the companionship and the closeness of your relationship, but much of it was built on lies and manipulation and you know you can never go back.
Actually there is not a little bit of you still in love with him, you are in love with a little bit that you shared with him in the past.
But the past is the past.
My SIL had similar feelings lonliness when she split with her ex due to his problems with drink and drugs. He kept contacting her, they kept meeting up then he would turn up at hers drunk and crying for forgiveness.
In the end she cut all contact and got a lodger, to provide a bit of company and help out with the bills, it also discouraged the drunken visits as there was someone else there.
Think hard , you have so much going for you (and two men interested!)
Don't go backwards!

"I think its a case of he doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me, because i then i wont be there as a back up for him."

That is exactly what my ex felt about me. "Who would have you?" etc. Then when I met someone new (a year after we'd split up), he was so angry and that's why he raped me. He didn't want to enjoy having sex with me, he just wanted to prove that he owned me and I was his to do with as he pleased.

I never thought he would do something like that or that it would happen to me. Even now, I can't believe it.

Please get away from him. You will never be happy again until you have left him far behind.

Don't take him back don't take him back don't take him back!

You're not lonely Starting, you have work, friends, invitations to Australia for xmas, Yachting pals, colleagues, lovers, the dog - just because you are sometimes on your own doesn't mean lonely! (You've also got us for chat!)

You know how we all feel about this man, you may say 'yes but we don't know him.' We don't need to, we know the type, and we know how they think, act and manipulate. He's no different to Skyes, or Lous, or Dollys ex. (other threads but depressingly similar)

Go out with whoever you like (just not twunt!) he doesn't even need to know. Go out as friends, or colleagues or lovers or whatever. But you will never move on until you stop seeing ex.

And you are stopping him from moving on too, you know. He still thinks he has a chance with you (winning you back, as long as it takes) and you are stringing him along with that. (unless of course you actually do want him back?)

Hi Everyone,

I dont deserve you guys- your patience with me knows no bounds! I have read through all of your posts and want to thank you for your honesty and kindness.

I had a sleepless night last night, and it has been really painful for me, but I have FINALLY :) come to some conclusions.....

1.He is manipulating me , I never thought he was manipulative, but when I think back over many of the years we have spent together I can see that he was the one in control, not me.

2.Once he heard that I had tentatively started seeing someone else, the ?I love you, I want you back, Lets meet? ramped up . This is not about love it?s about control, he doesn?t want me to move on.

3.Wanting to keep me close, again is not about love, it?s about security and money, he knows that he had a good life with me, I loved him, very little stress or worry, he cannot earn anywhere near what I earn and his family have no money, as you guys say I?m his cash cow, thats why he doesn?t want me to be with another guy, not because he loves me.

4.He is a bully, again when I think back I can see that he did become EA, especially the last few years, the shouting, the silent treatment, saying I was mad, that I didn?t listen, that I couldn?t remember things, making a big thing out of any mistakes I made, this all undermined my confidence in my own judgement and crushed my self-esteem.

5.At the same time, he encouraged me in my work, to achieve, I thought he was doing that because he loved me, but I can see that was because he wanted me to keep earning, therefore taking any pressure of him. When that ended and I took a break- that?s when apparently ?he fell out of love with me? ? that?s what he said when he left but now he has changed his story, he loves me again now I?m back at work!

6.I don?t believe that he wants me back, not in any real sense, he wants to use me until someone who he thinks is better comes along, the way he spoke to me on Saturday was awful and I know in my heart of hearts if you truly want someone back because you love them you would pull out all the stops, he hasn?t made the slightest effort. On the surface yes, but an effort to make me feel loved and wanted, no.

7.He started to pull me back in, I thought I was in control, that we could meet ?as friends? , we can?t, he knows what strings to pull to get what he wants, and that is so dangerous for me because I am still vulnerable when it comes to him, and he knows it.

8.He doesn?t want to answer any of my questions, he just gets defensive or says? not now im tired?, or ?why are you starting a row?? He says he does, but he really has no understanding of what he did to me when he left, betraying me and trying to destroy my life, he doesn?t seem to want to acknowledge it, he doesn?t care, it didn?t affect him.

9.I finally understand, that all of the above and what he did before is NOT ABOUT ME, it is all him, it?s his failure not mine. I don?t like to fail at anything, and I think that I really saw this as a massive failure on my part, I couldn?t make my relationship work, I wasn?t good enough he left me. Now I see that it wasn?t me that failed IT WAS HIM.

10.In a nutshell, I know I HAVE to go NO CONTACT, he is trying to do me harm, he wants me to be a crying, simpering wreck hanging off his every word, waiting for him to call, just to make himself feel better. He really doesn?t give a toss about me only what I can do for him.

I know it?s taken me a while to get there, but I GET IT NOW, I GET IT, yes I will feel shit and lonely at times, but that will only make me a stronger person. I just have to ride it out and believe that things will get better.

I feel angry, so angry about the way he has treated me, someone who loved him so very much, but that is his loss and some other guys gain! This has been so hard for me, I haven?t enjoyed the soul searching at all, but I know that this can only be a good thing for me, I need to concenrate on myself, find out what i need and want and go all out to get it!

As my dear brother said to me last week' I never really understood why you stayed with him for so long, i could never understand what you got out of the relationship. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to you, even though you cant see it now, you will' - I HATE IT WHEN HE IS RIGHT :) xxxx

You get it Starting. Every point you make is right. You do get it.

Now, have you deleted/blocked his number?

Hurray!!

Aren't brothers astute sometimes

Delete his number and get those plane tickets for Christmas xx

Phew! Glad you have come to your senses. Stay strong x

Hi Starting - longtime lurker on this thread. I hope this small contribution helps in some way. When I was dealing with my horrendous ex, I remember asking my therapist, "When will I start feeling better?". He said, "When you cut contact. That is the starting point to feeling better. And any contact you have after that just puts you right back to square one in terms of beginning the process of healing."

So, in practical terms, that is why you continue to feel low in this unhealthy cycle. Not to say you won't continue to have bad days, but remember when you do have bad days, any contact with him will just set you back miles in any progress you will have made up to that point.

In simple terms, he is bad for you in all ways. No interaction will ever benefit you, so cut him off, delete his texts/emails, erase his number from your phone. He is not and never will be your friend. Good luck.

Thank Fuck

Now love, make your actions match your very wise words, yeah?

Simply put.

this man is not your friend

Well done starting.

You know we are here for you need us, but we are also here when you just need some inane chit chat, whether on this thread or others.

Well done Starting you know you've reached the right conclusion where he is concerned.

No contact at all with Arsewipe and move on with that trip to Oz, you have much to look forward to. .

Delete him permanently.

oh well done, well done! jolly well done starting! I can tell you've got it

(overjoyed here)

It was a setback because he reeled you in. But no matter! onward and upward! best foot forward, throw him off for good this time. No explanations. he won't listen to them anyway and will only use them to reel you back in. be unavailable for the forseeable - you owe him nothing and don't need to explain a thing to him about what you're doing. He doesn't own you.

huge pat on the back from me (I know how hard it is to face all that stuff)

Right - now count to three, DEEP BREATH, delete and block!

In a short space of time you have male admirers, new friends and endless possibilities. You don't need to rush into anything. Just have FUN!

You are worth more than this.