Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

Hope you had a better night, sweetheart.

Good for you having come so far as to be able to manage without the ADs. You must have a deep reserve of strength inside you - unlike some I won't mention xx

Starting, just remember next time he wants to meet that he made you cry last time.

I go out with my friend for a drink because I want to catch up on her life, to hear about how her date last week went and to generally have a gossip. I'm sure she would say the same.

I don't go to be sworn at, have money demanded from me and to have someone make me cry! Someone who does that is not your friend, does not want the best for you and doesn't give a damn about how you are.

he wont ever be your friend. I doubt he knows how to be a good friend anyway.

I hope you have lovely plans for this bank holiday weekend and are out and about with new boating friends.

Still thinking of you lovely x

You may be feeling particularly low because you've seen him - and he got you right back where you were. You've made incredible strides and, once the poison of being exposed to him drains out of your system (it doesn't take long), you'll be back to where you were.

You know, sweetheart, that you can't see him. Ever. Even if he did have an epiphany, he'd find his way back to you iyswim. I would seriously hope you are no longer available though, epiphany or not.

It's a bereavement you're going through and, just as when someone dies, those left behind l-o-n-g for just a moment with their loved one. The trouble is, he's alive I won't make a comment and the temptation has been too... tempting.

If you were propping him up financially and emotionally and he is a waster then it is likely your relationship had a codependent dynamic to it. it would also account for him being incandescent that you refuse to play the game anymore. When he sees you he sees the dynamic you had ie you were his cashier. As he is 'an addict', he won't see how he contributed to the end of your relationship, is only fixed on the hit of the dynamic you had before.

He is a serious loser, starting. hard for you to face but do please get into counselling to work your way through the grief of this and make some sense of the patterns you established together. I also think that not being on anti-depressants is not necessarily a good thing if you need them - there are times in life when they are a gift from the gods and I thank God for modern medicine, I really do. You may or may not need them at present but it is not necessarily 'progress' that you're not taking them any more iyswim. we wouldn't congratulate a diabetic for coming off insulin and imo the same applies here if there is a need.

What is progress is that you were forging ahead, making friends, re-establishing a relationship with your brother etc. He's knocked you off your perch again but, no matter, you'll get back on soon enough. Cut him out of your life, he will bring nothing but grief and heartache and land you right back at zero in a flash.

Keep going sweetie xx

Oh Starting what an absolute bastard he is. You have done really well! The beginning of your first thread you weren't eating, sleeping or leaving the house for days on end apart from to let the dog out! You must cut off all contact now. PLEASE! You must get a restraining order or warning from the police. He will never be your friend or civil to you. He will continue to try to use you for money & when you refuse abuse you. This has got to stop NOW!!

Just noticed that the first para of my last post didn't make a lot of sense - sorry! I meant that you would be back feeling strong pretty quickly once the effects of being with him had worn off.

How are you doing starting? I've been thinking about you and you've gone quiet. What's happening? xx

oh girl, you've disappeared

Please come back on, or start another thread if that helps? you weren't sounding too good in your last posts...

come and get the MN treatment and support

What Springy said x

Hi Ladies,

Sorry I haven't updated for a little while.......

Over the last few weeks i have attended two music festivals and really enjoyed myself! I have another contract job lined up for next month which is well paid and relatively easy work , so im happy about that!

But im feeling shit tonight..... it was my birthday recently and one of my male colleagues gave me a big bunch of flowers, with a lovely card. We ended up going to a festival together (with his friends)- nothing physical happened between us but there was lots of talking :) and getting to know each other, i like him, there's a definite connection, we have a lot in common.

Tonight we went for a drink together and we kissed briefly, on the way home, i became very scared and teary, when i got home to an empty house, i just bawled my eyes out, i feel so lonely, and am so scared of becoming close to someone again, as i feel i couldn't take any rejection. What do i do? I cant let what arsewipe did to me stop me from being with someone again, but the idea scares me so much, i cant breathe.

This guy is lovely, he is of a similar age to me, tall, good looking (well i think so), fantastic sense of humour, intelligent, we have similar interests and can talk so easily for hours. He spilt up from his partner of eight years over a year ago, he has a three year son, who he adores. He has told me that he is 'ready to be loved and to love', he has told me that he likes me very much.

What do i do?? I am so frightened............ :( i want to give this a go, but im afraid that i will become very attached too quickly and get hurt again............

What do you do? You take it easy and you go easy on yourself, honey.

Starting over after a long term relationship which, effectively, spanned many of your formative adult years and ended in discovering that you didn't know the manner of the man you so willingly shared your life and your money with, is bound to be scary because you have to strip yourself back to the bone, get to know yourself all over again, and have some confidence in your new found and far more critical balanced judgement before you can even contemplate more than an occasional one night stand scratch of the biological itch.

Btw, unless Bully has been prematurely retired, surely you didn't come back to an empty house?

That said, you now uncover your internal full length mirror, strip off, stand before it, and take a long, hard, critical look at yourself.

See that pool of murky mud around your solar plexus? That's a pool of emotional need where, if you're not careful, you might latch on to the first available likely prospect in an attempt to fill the hole and turn it into solid ground.

See that bright halo around your head? That's your soul brain telling you that your future relationships don't have to resemble those of your past.

How do you reconcile the ache and the promise? You set your sights high and you don't settle for second best.

You've met Mr --up for it- Ready To Love & Be Loved and it's now up to you to put him through his paces and see if he's capable of jumping the high fences you've erected around yourself.

If he hurts himself or if you get hurt in the process, remember there's no guarantees in this life and that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never experienced love and longing so they say

You've come along way since you were covered in the nuclear fall out of the arsewipe's self-destruction (long may that ow continue to cause arsewipes to press the button) and I have every confidence that you will be more than capable of wiping the floor with every arse you encounter from hereon in

You are your most valuable asset and you're best advised not to invest your emotions in any one or any place where you're not assured of getting a healthy return on your investment.

You've got so much going for you that you don't have to come from a place of emotional need. Treat 'em mean & keep 'em keen Have fun, honey, and ditch them if they fail to meet your demanding expectations when they fail to enhance your life.

Izzy you're so grown up & give great advice! I think just take a deep breath, trust yourself & enjoy it. He's not proposing marriage - he's offering some love & affection & fun. And you deserve some.

Hi Starting,go have some fun,relax and enjoy it!

Hi Starting.

This man sounds lovely. Just take it slowly and have some fun. Think about all the new experiences of a new relationship. It's a lovely time.

Happy there's been some nice times, and looks like more to come!

of course you're frightened to go there again! But it does help to have someone come along and validate that you're gorgeous - yes?

all well and good to tell yourself to relax and enjoy yourself, not so easy to do... but take it a step at a time, stand well back iyswim, and take it slowly. if he's even half a man he will undertand that you've had a bad breakup and you're wobbly on your feet and he will know to stand back and not crowd you.

and talk to us on here if it helps.

delighted to hear things are moving on for you, work is going exceptionally well, and you're getting your life back. well done sweetie xx

Look at your username - Starting Again! Of course you are scared, you have been through hell but not every man is like your ex. Take it slowly (any man worth it will understand) and take each day as it comes. Have fun and don't (try not to anyway) compare any man to your ex, its not fair on them.
He sounds lovely so just go with the flow x

Woohoo Starting

You know what is really great about that last post?

It is all about you

There is one reference to ex twunt in a historic capacity but for once the post is all about you.

If you like this guy then tell him.

If he is a good guy then he will understand and give you all the time in the world (-:

Starting you sound good, I'm really pleased you've had some fun!
Enjoy the new guy's company, that's the main thing. Too soon for him to talk about whether he's ready for love..... Never mind him, lovely as he sounds, and what he's ready for . .... For now, it's all about YOU and what YOU want!

Follow izzy's advice (in every respect, of course, since she is a smart lady) ....but especially with regard to keeping him keen!

I am sorry the tears came, I think this is typical after a painful relationship. But you will be happy again.

Starting, I promise you that you will never be hurt again as deeply as you've been hurt by arsewipe.
Enjoy yourself, and look forward xx

I agree with oldwomaninashoe, it is like a mirror has been put up in that blind spot that made you let him take you for such a ride.

Hi Starting.
Good to hear that life is going well for you. It is still early days and not surprising that you should have a downturn. You probably almost feel disloyal to Arsewipe to be getting close to another man. And although he does sound lovely it can take a long time to develop that closeness and comfortableness that you had with Arsewipe in better days.

For now just enjoy what you have, take things very slowly and watch out for any red flags -- that you could search for on here, or google.

Whatever you do, do not give up any of your hard won new life for a man. Keep up with and increase your new friends and activities.
A relationship is only one part of a fulfilled and contented life.

Take care and be happy baby. xx

Hey. How are you? you got an update for us?

Hope no update means you are taking life by the horns and are just too happy and busy xxx

Has anyone heard from starting?