Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

[startingagain88]

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity :(

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

Hey All,

Well overdue update?.sorry! Its been over seven months now since arsewipe did a bunk, been ups and downs all the way, down at the moment :(

Started new contract five weeks ago, people nice, work interesting and stimulating, work from home a few days per week, pay is fantastic, so all good there!

Slowly making new friends, getting out and about, going to pubs/gigs etc, meeting lots of new people and realising that people actually do think I?m interesting and fun and not bad company!

Ex Work colleague, who was ?ready for love? is still waiting, I?ve kept him at arm?s length, he wants us to be in a relationship, I don?t at the moment, not because I don?t like or fancy him because I really do, it just that I don?t want anything too heavy right now. As I have moved on work wise I don?t see him everyday which helps, but we do meet up at the weekend and do things together as friends, he is clear about how I feel.. we haven?t slept together???.but?????

A few weeks ago while out for the evening I met a very nice guy, Mark, intelligent, funny, well read, sexy :) we hit it off straight away and to cut a long story short, I slept with him!, my first time with somebody other than arsewipe in nearly sixteen years, and do you know what, it was amazing, all night can?t keep hands off each other amazing, one small thing I?m 37, he is 24! :) Is that pervy? He didn?t seem to mind! We have met up a few times afterwards, pub, gallery etc, again lovely guy but im still not convinced im ready for anything long term yet! But it certainly helps to know that yes, someone will fancy you again and that you haven?t forgotten what to do :)

After all the above which is really positive, what?s the negative? Yes im still in contact with arsewipe :( I cant seem to cut the ties completely, which isn?t helped by his instance that he is sorry, has made a mistake, will make it all up to me, will wait till I?m ready etc. He and the OW have been broken up for a while now and he is still living in his rented place, says he wants to ?give me space, to win me back? he wants to come home :(

So I have been meeting him now and again for the last couple of months, no sex, just some occasional hand holding and crying, but I have come to realise that he can be quite EA at times, I never really noticed this before, yes he could be a bit bullish, but some things I couldn?t see before I really notice now.

Just a few examples, he says he wants to ?make things up to me? , but if I ask him a question he doesn?t want to answer he just says I don?t want to get into that now, If i say I do, he just says stop stop stop and makes me feel like I am being unreasonable.

He says that I am being ?startingagain88? if I question him on anything, or call him on his actions, which makes me feel like a nag.

We went for a meal this evening, and he was negative and demanding the whole time, I felt I had to walk on egg shells and be ?on my best behaviour? as to not upset or wind him up, he kept raising his voice about waiting for service etc and I had to calm him down by speaking quietly ,trying to keep him happy. I really felt like I couldn?t be myself, I felt held down and subdued.

At the end of the meal as we went to pay, he was having trouble finding cash that he had in his wallet (he?d had a few), I could see it from where I was sitting, so I took his wallet from him and pulled out the note so he could see it?.. all hell broke loose, I am not to touch his wallet, I crossed the line, I am out of order, he would have gone to the cash machine, its shows how controlling I am, if he tells me not to do something I shouldn?t do it, it made me feel two feet tall, small and worthless. He just kept repeating the same things over and over again.

I said to him im leaving which I did and got a cab, it only took five mins to get home, he didn?t even text me to see I got home ok. Friends? I don?t think we can never be friends and certainly not lovers again, so why can?t I let go of him completely, why is he still holding me back? I wish I could understand that :(

Good to hear from you again.

I think you need to concentrate on those who bring something positive to your life.

Spend time with you new friends, yes have some fun with your 24yr old (who sounds more mature then your ex). Stop all contact with ex even if it only a few months because by then you won't so attached to him.

You disengaging from him because you can see how your own behaviour changes around him. The walking on eggshells, feeling uncomfortable when with him.

Can I ask with the faffing about paying for dinner by him would you have normally stepped in and paid for it yourself.

And when you're out with your other friends do they behave the same or do they behave like normal people and pay without complaint or faffing.

I agree with wheredidiputit - you need positive people in your life. This man says he wants to win you back, but obviously doesnt like your character/personality..... if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time, then it is never going to work. When STBXH came back for 6 weeks after walking out, right out of the blue, I walked on eggshells the entire time, so as to be the perfect wife and not upset him and its just awful. You have to be yourself, and if he doesnt like that person, then he is not the man for you.

I know how hard it is to let go. I dont see STBXH for that very reason, as I cant be friends with a man that I despise for walking out on us.

You have been having fun with this young lad and it sounds like you have a lovely man waiting in the wings. Its not fair on anyone else to start something if you arent ready, but at the same time, you cant move on while thinking about your ex all the time.

I know how hard it is and I struggle all the time, 6 nearly 7 months on (walked out for good on Easter Monday). Half of me really wants things back the way they were, the other half knows that I would never ever trust him again and that he is not the person that I thought he was.

Its good to read your update and I hope that you can find it within you to cut the ties with him. I couldnt spend time with STBXH without wanting to be with him, which is why I dont see him, even at handovers.

Good to hear from you Starting.

And good to hear that in so many areas of your life, things are going well.

One reason you can't let go of him is because you are still grieving for what you had. Seven months is still a short time to get over a 15 year relationship and most of those years were good.

But you already know don't you that you will never get over him or be able to cut the ties until you cut Arsewipe completely out of your life.
He is still playing you, one minute the tears and remorse, then the switch to abuse and he IS being extremely abusive. Walking on egghells is no way to run a relationship.

Maybe last night's incident will give you the strength to finally kick him into touch.
You are lucky that you have two men waiting in the wings but you will never feel ready for a relationship till Arsewipe is off the scene.
Have a fling with your toyboy, develop your friendship with work guy but for God's sake get rid of the twunt.
You KNOW no good can come of it!

Hope Bully is thriving

Hello, Starting. Glad to hear you are getting on so well at work - and glad that it's not all work and no play!

But as for your ex - apart from anything else you are doing him no favours by continuing to meet him. He needs to move on, but if you keep agreeing to see him he'll think he's in with a chance (is he?) and won't be able to do so. It would be a kindness if you could find it within yourself to stop all this and let him, too, make a start on his new future.

Good lord if that's his idea of winning you back, what would he do if he actually just wanted his cushy number back? Oh hang on....

Please try to cut all ties with this arsehole.

More 24 year-olds instead

Wow, he is really fighting for you, your ex, showing you what a catch he is, and what you are losing out on, by having left.

Please, move on. You deserve all the men you can get!

He's not holding you back; you're holding yourself back by continuing to associate with him.

What do think you're doing spending any time with him, let alone holding hands and crying?

He's going to 'make it all up' to you? How's he going to accomplish that? Start by amputating the finger that's got the ow's name tattooed on it?

The ow sure saw the light pdq and you should take note of the harsh light of reality that's shining brightly on him. Although you couldn't see it at the time, this is how he was. And how he was is how he is, and how is is how he'll always be. And if you settle for being his doormat cash cow that, more fool you.

Have some pride, woman, and stop wasting valuable time on a twunt who never was your friend and never can be your friend because he has no respect for you whatsoever.

It sounds like he was feeling really tense in the restaurant too and the wallet thing was the last straw for him. What's his problem though? Is it that he feels that he has said and done all the right things to get you back and you are still hold him at arms length?? Then to top it all, you make it clear that you hadn't even thought about stepping up to pay the bill for him??

You are neither doing yourself nor him any favours by staying in touch in this way.

But I went through the same stages during my breakup as you are going through now, including the lets be friends one. What finally convinced me to get him completely out of my life was that when my ex finally realised that he couldn't have my back whether he wanted me or not, he was so frustrated at not having power over me anymore that he held me down and raped me.

I am not saying that will happen to you, but I do think things will only get worse from here until you cut all ties.

anice what a horrendous thing to happen to you.

I agree with izzy - you are not doing yourself any favours at all by continuing to see the Ex.

Why wont you change your number? You have no reason whatsoever to see him. NONE.

I am glad you have new friends, new interests and are getting out and about. You need to see for yourself that he is no good in any way, shape or form. You are 7 months on now, keep away from the ex.

Just found your thread again!

I think you need to ask yourself why you are meeting up with someone who has made it clear more times then i can count that he is just after your money and who will abuse you in private or in public and call you a fucking cunt across the pub!

Seriously what are you doing? He sound unhinged!

Reading your old threads it seems to me having been rejected so coldly by your ex after 15 years together, you have been in a state of shock then grief. Some people maintain that kind of brutal end to a relationship feels like a bereavement.

In which case to me 7 months does not seem an overlong time to dwell on what was, and what might have been, and as you have done, take steps to move on and to better times. However! the very nature of his treatment of you - the tawdry deceit, the bullying, the materialistic grabbiness - makes it hard for us outsiders to understand why a nice person like you should waste a moment more of her life on someone like him. Date Mark, choose life!

I'm glad your life is back on track and you are having fun.

The only blot on the landscape is the emotionally bullying fuckwit you keep in contact with. Sorry.
I have said a few times on your threads delete his number. I see no possible reason for you to have it, and for you to allow him to continue to manipulate you into meeting up. What on earth do you get out of it? It's not like you are even having fun with him, he's horrible. He misses his lifestyle with you and your money.
I wish you could see how much more you are worth OP and how you deserve so much better but i'm afraid that whilst you continue to engage with him like this you are never going to be free to get on with your life.

Do yourself a massive favour - delete, block, move on. No explanation needed. Get tough.

It sounds like he was feeling really tense in the restaurant too and the wallet thing was the last straw for him

erm no, he was tense about having to part with his money, that's all. HIs behaviour is classic abuser. Maybe he has been an abuser all along only you didn't see it - and now you are. There is an addictive element to an abusive relationship and maybe this is what you're struggling with starting? the answer to any addiction is cold turkey I'm afraid. There is no other way.

anice, I am so so sorry to hear what happened to you. Your comment, which I have highlighted above, suggests you may still not be getting what these types are about. What happened to you says it all: he/they aren't interested in you, only to control, dominate and use you. I'm so sorry this bastard made that abundantly clear

I know (now) that my ex was abusive (probably still is). But at the time, i'd have described it as he felt tense and he would have too. I was just trying to give starting another way to spot the warning signs so she can get out before things get worse. Moving on really annoys these men.

It will get better been through it if he owns half the house unfortunatly he can go for half but its not the end of the world find some friends get out there have fun look for a job men are arseholes at the best of times

Tilpil this is the second of two big long threads and there's a long backstory. The OP owns her house..

Starting I for one still hold out the tiniest bit of hope that you'll completely ditch this guy. I don't think there's been one single person on either of your threads who didn't advise you to block his number and cut him loose. Only you can do it though...

Starting is the sole owner of her house Tilpil, and the twunt has no case in law against her or her assets - if anything, he owes her for the monies she has expended setting him up in business.

Take note of anice's horrendous experience, starting, as it's not uncommon for self-entitled twunts to force themselves sexually on non-compliant current or ex dps/dws/gfs to prove that what they can't get one way, they have the power to take in another.

In entertaining the twunt in any way, shape, or form, you are playing a dangerous game as you are giving him the message that he is in with a chance of moving back into your home.

He's most probably got it into his head that this will happen before/around Christmas/New Year and it's probable that he'll kick off big-time if you wait to make it clear he hasn't got a snowball in hell's chance of using you as a cash cow living under your roof again around that time.

Do yourself a favour; stop being so self-induglent and stop toying with him. Cease all communication with him now and upgrade any lax home security well before the festive season.

I'm so sorry that happened to you anice x

I agree - i think he's angling for a Christmas 'reunion' because he's skint. He'll probably turn up drunk and emotional on your doorstep on Christmas Eve, declaring undying love, because by now he's probably up to his neck in debts.

Hey starting I'm with izzy I wish I never had to clap eyes on STBXH again but need to because of DD however you have no ties to your ex so I cannot understand why you are still giving him headspace never mind spending time with him

It's harsh, Starting, but true. Your comments 'After all the above which is really positive, what?s the negative? Yes im still in contact with arsewipe I cant seem to cut the ties completely, which isn?t helped by his insistance that he is sorry, has made a mistake, will make it all up to me, will wait till I?m ready etc. He and the OW have been broken up for a while now and he is still living in his rented place, says he wants to ?give me space, to win me back? he wants to come home ' Hah, Of course he wants to 'come home' - he's chucked one away, and the OW has chucked him out of another, now he's on his own and he doesn't like it - he wants a nice comfy number! Of course he's sorry (cynical me!) and has made a mistake! Yeah Yeah. Poor him.

There is another thread on here, a young woman whose 'd'H cheated on her and moved in with the OW - 2 weeks later he 'realises his mistake' and wants to move back in. She, on the other hand, sees him for the cheating, lying, grasping scumbag he is and is having none of it (hurrah!) - and she is married and has 2 young dd's.

You don't and aren't. You cannot be friends with this 'man' - he doesn't see you as a friend, just a soft touch bed.

You can cut the ties, you need to.
Let him go. He is not your responsibilty, his life is not your responsibility, his happiness is not your responsibilty.
Next time he suggests a little hand-holding drink and a cry, be unavailable. For ever.

Hi All,

Aince- I am so sorry about what happened to you- that is awful xxx :(

Feeling very sad and lonely tonight, sorry :(

Im pathetic I know, even giving him the time of day, but a part of me still loves him you see. That part is becoming smaller over time but it is still there and he plays on that, he knows that i still care for him.

I have made a few new friends and have been on a some dates, but i still get very lonely sometimes, i miss what we had before he left.

I know deep down that he is telling me what I want to hear, i know that if he truly loved me he wouldnt have done all the things he has, but i loved him for so long, cutting the ties it is the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

I know how pathetic i sound, im having a bad day today im sorry. He has been verbally abusive to me, shouting, picking fault but that is born more out of his anger about what he has done and having to answer my questions, rather than anything to do with me.

You ladies are right as always, i have met two lovely guys who may not forever, but certainly are lovely to spend time with, more so than the ex, but im not giving them a chance, im not giving myself a chance, im letting him ruin that for me. He knows about the work guy and basically asked me not to see him anymore, and i havent since :(

The last time we met i said to him, its time for you let me go, completely as we both know we could never work, you will hurt me again. This upsets him and he says that he wants to try, that he loves me and wants to be with only me. I think its a case of he doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me, because i then i wont be there as a back up for him.

He tells me is isnt seeing anyone, swears to it actually, only wants me, but it wouldnt surprise me if he was, i dont trust him.

I do feel like its an addiction in some ways, i cant seem to fully accept what he has done and the fact we can never be together again, I know there is no future for us now, but still while he dangles a carrot, i cant seem to let go......

I suppose my greatest fear is that i am unlovable and that i will always be lonely, i loved loving him and being with him, i enjoy being in a realtionship having someone to share things with, im scared i will never find that again.

My self esteem is on the floor at the moment :(

But starting you have someone waiting there in the wings that you've stopped seeing because twuntface told you to. Why don't you go out with the new guy? So what if he's not forever, it'll give you a chance to just go out and have fun with someone else. He wants you to stop seeing him, WTAF??? Why are you letting him control your life in this way, why????

Everything twunt says is a crock and you know it. Don't be looking for hidden meaning, there's none. He's still a twunt and still just trying to worm his way back in.

For God's sake, woman, you were doing so well! Call up that nice work man and tell him you really want to see him! Maybe you don't feel you deserve nice? You do really, but it's frustrating for those of us who have grown quite fond of you just through reading about your life, to see you beating your head against a brick wall. I'd like to give you a gentle shake - then a hug - then possibly another shake. You're so likeable, dammit, don't do this to yourself.

The ex is a bad habit, like picking your nose or biting your fingernails. It's so hard to stop but you absolutely have to, otherwise you'll never be invited to the Queen's garden party - er, I mean, you'll never have a chance to get together with someone who loves you more than he loves your purse. The ex is a liar, a cheat, a sponger and a drunk. How dare he tell you who you can see, after he ran away with another woman and even tried to marry her. You can see whoever you damn' well like.