He invited a female friend to our house while I was out

[NancyDrew123]

I have 8 week old twins. For the first time since they were born I went out for the day with my friends. When I got home my BF casually mentioned that a female friend who I haven't met had popped round to help him look after the children. He had prearranged the visit the day before but not said anything. She is married, had no children herself and lives five mins away. They have been on business trips together and he says he has known her for 18 years. This had not been mentioned before. I was very upset but he says I am insecure and slightly mad. I think he has no respect for me whatsoever. What should I do?

Maybe he was nervous about being left on his own with the babies for the first time, and didn't want to tell you beforehand in case it stopped you from having your day out? If anything dodgy had been going on he wouldn't have mentioned it at all, surely?

I'd be a bit too, but is it possible he was horrified at the thought of looking after 8 week old twins by himself, but didn't want to guilt you into stopping you from going out for the day?

Using this situation in isolation, I don't think it shows lack of respect for you. Apart from that, is everything OK?

deal with your paranoia ?

I would NOT be happy. He should respect you enough to let you know what his plans are for a start. He is making himself look very suspicious.

It doesn't sound that bad to me, do you trust him?

Do you mean he's not mentioned the friend to you before, or just her coming round while you were out?

If they are such good friends then why haven't you met her?

Leave the bastard.

woohoo!

First!!

I came home once to find a strange female asleep in my bed.
The sheets had been changed, DH was making dinner and told me she was a friend from Japan who had come over for a conference and her university had buggered up the accommodation. So being as he knew her and they shared a subject in common, it seemed logical to him that she stayed with us because she was shattered and upset. We slept on the living room floor.
That wasn't the last time in our marriage that something like that happened.

Do you trust your partner? Do you understand that he might have wanted a friend over, to help, to show off the twins, or just to have a talk with another grown-up?
Or do you really think he wants to have an affair with another woman?

I wouldn't be happy and apart from anything else wouldn't want someone I hadn't met spending the day with my children!

Was she the closest friend conveniently available and he just thought a woman would be some help? Children or no children, if she's an old friend would he not respect her help and advice?

If he had had a male friend round all day would you suddenly suspect him of having gay tendencies? It's exactly the same isn't it?

I don't like the sound of it- not really because of the worry of infidelity (although the secrecy bothers me), but because of the sheer lazy shirking of covertly roping someone else in. If he had said he was calling for back-up, I might not be impressed, but I could live with it. What I don't like is the off-loading of his responsibility onto a woman (does he see it as women's work?), and inviting some other female party into the relative intimacy of nurturing his children. It doesn't sit well with me.

I really don't see the problem in this. He is allowed to have female friends surely?

I would not be happy, oh no Mrs. I would need to know there where's and why's and then have him explain again for discrepancies sake, and then again in the morning. If DH did that I would be very and very investigative

oh and after that I would be watching him like a hawk!

I wouldn't be happy either. It was prearranged but you weren't informed? At best this is poor communication and does not inspire trust for future arrangements.

To say that you are insecure and slightly mad is an unacceptable way for him to ensure that you cannot validate your thoughts on this issue. I hope you can talk things through.

I would be more than a little annoyed that he'd arranged for someone else to come around before he'd even tried to look after his own children by himself. Fair enough to have a go, realise you're going to need help, and then call for help, but your BF arranged all this the day before.

I also don't like the way he's resorted to telling you that you are insecure and slightly mad. It's not a nice thing to call your partner, let alone one who has given birth to twins just 8 weeks before.

Hmmmmm. She lives 5 mins away and you haven't met her?

Everything about this has alarm bells going off. How was he when you came back?

I wouldn't have even a slight problem with this, and I am surprised so many people would! I would assume he wanted a bit of a hand with the twins, or to show them off to a friend (and women tend to be more appreciative audiences when showing off babies), that's all..

I would not want someone I had never met in my house, helping care for my very tiny children. I can't understand why he would not have mentioned it beforehand

A lot of men descend into helpless mode when faced with small children, and there are often women willing to rescue them. When our dcs were little my exH would always arrange for some tame female friend to come round when he had to look after them when I was out. I remember having to come back early from a reunion party (daytime) when the friend who he'd arranged to come over for the day left at around 2pm.

And to be concerned about it does not signify madness, IMHO. For him to accuse you of that suggests insensitivity on his part.

TBH, I wouldn't consider that I needed permission to invite my friends over when my husband was going to be out for the day, even if they were friends who he didn't know. (I'm bisexual, so technically I can fancy anyone! He'll have to vet ALL my friends or how can he trust me?!) Nor would I need to warn him in advance. I quite often tell him my plans just as we're chatting, but I don't feel the need to report in or anything! And if he got the huff with me I'd think he was being unpleasantly controlling, tbh. There's either trust in a relationship or there isn't. If you trust someone, you don't freak out when they spend time with people who are of the right gender for them to fancy.

In your shoes, if I thought he was flailing at the thought of looking after babies and that he'd gone "Oh shit, I'd better call a woman in to help, they know about this stuff", then I'd be a bit unimpressed - but still wouldn't think it was about a lack of respect for me as his partner.

Raised eyebrows and "so when do I get to meet this old friend?" might be reasonable. Being very upset and accusing him of not respecting you? YABU, IMO.

What should you do?
Tell him how you feel and why, and if he points out that you are being irrational, say 'And...?'
If he loves you, he will have to deal with the insecurities and jealousy as well as the good bits. So he needs to modify his behaviour if you find it unacceptable, and you will have to bear it in mind when you do something that upsets and distresses him that you think is acceptable.
How long have you been together?