Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He invited a female friend to our house while I was out

137 replies

NancyDrew123 · 12/05/2012 23:02

I have 8 week old twins. For the first time since they were born I went out for the day with my friends. When I got home my BF casually mentioned that a female friend who I haven't met had popped round to help him look after the children. He had prearranged the visit the day before but not said anything. She is married, had no children herself and lives five mins away. They have been on business trips together and he says he has known her for 18 years. This had not been mentioned before. I was very upset but he says I am insecure and slightly mad. I think he has no respect for me whatsoever. What should I do?

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 13/05/2012 07:49

Yanbu. A lot of the posters here are though.

Gigondas · 13/05/2012 07:59

Autumn how you doing (sorry for thread hijack)? Been wondering how you are from
Some of your other threads.

Op- yanbu

AutumnSummers · 13/05/2012 08:03

Messaged you gig :)

everlong · 13/05/2012 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 08:25

Why did you have children with a man you have mistrusted and been unhappy about for ages? What a daft choice to make.
Looking at the nasty insults that he's used, are you considerably older than him?

marriedinwhite · 13/05/2012 08:32

OP, you are where you are. This sounds terribly wrong on every level. Relationships should be honest and straightforward, especially where babies/children are involved. You are blocked from his facebook, he has previously had another girlfriend at the same time as you, he keeps secrets from you. Yesterday was just more of the same surely another little lie to keep you in your place.

Pragmatically, who do you have to help you apart from him? Parents, sisters, friends? If he helps with the babies and isn't completely unkind/violent can you stay where you are for the time being on your terms (not necessarily telling him that you are planning out) so that you get the practical help you need until things with the babies get a bit easier.

Whose house is it, how much financial support does he offer, has he been married before/does he have other children? I'd be getting my ducks lined up and starting off with a consultation with a local solictor to sort our my rights and the children's entitlements if I were you.

You are worth so much more than what you are getting at the moment.

Inertia · 13/05/2012 08:42

I don't think you're paranoid DairyJo. I think your concerns are more than justified. He is hiding things from you, keeping large parts of his life secret, telling you that he has no respect for you and that you're going mad - that isn't a healthy relationship my love.

You need to consider the possibility that the unknown woman caring for your babies is the ex he was stringing you along with.

With 8 week old twins, your partner should be in awe of you for the amazing babies you have brought into the world, and respect the hard work you put in caring for them, and looking for ways to help his family. This man is grinding you down.

Please protect yourself.

RubyGates · 13/05/2012 09:05

In a normal trusting relationship, having a friend over while your partner goes out to keep you company especially with 8 week old twins in the house, would be a supportive thing to do. I'm not sure that looking after young twins IS a one person job., (at least not for someone who might need a sandwich or a cup of tea or a visit to the loo during the day). Having a friend over to keep you sane is proabably a necessity.

But yours is not a normal relationship. You have chosen to have children with a manipulative, untrustworthy, lying twunt. You actively had an opportunity to tell him to bugger off 18 months ago when he demonstated exactly how twuntish he was but you were pleased he chose you over his other victim. You clearly have dependency issues.

You didn't mention any of this in your original post and while people thought the details of the visit sounded fishy, they mostly validated the idea that's it's OK for adults to have friends over to their own house. BECAUSE YOU HADN'T MENTIONED ANY OF THE SALIENT FACTS.

Were you looking to be told that it was all OK so you don't have to make the decision to leave him or kick him out? Because that's what you need to do. You are none of things he said you are. But YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. If you think otherwise you are deluding yourself.

WhiteWidow · 13/05/2012 09:12

I don't understand why he needed help from a woman you don't even know, or why he hadn't told you before. YANBU

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 09:19

Why do posters do this though?
Why ask a question, get responses from people who take it at face value and then round about reply 100, they suddenly tell you something relevant about his convictions for sex trafficking, his international heroin dealing and the fact that he's a werewolf?

OP, when I responded, I thought that this was a normal relationship.
Not one with a back history of other women and deceit and continuous insults and where you had been given a lot of red flags that this was going to be a shit relationship.
Then you had twins with this feckless and untrustworthy man. Because you chose to continue the relationship.

lagoonhaze · 13/05/2012 09:21

So when you leaving him?

Superstickybeak · 13/05/2012 09:33

So, you went ahead and had babies with a man you knew to be secretive, two faced, lying, spiteful and possibly unfaithful?

And after making that choice, you are now pissed off that he's, erm, secretive, two faced, lying, spiteful and possibly unfaithful? Confused

Sigh.

Starwisher · 13/05/2012 09:38

I dont see the point is beating the op up about something that cannot be undone. She already had the babies.

While Im sure she is coming to regret her realtionship, Im sure her twins are the silver lining in this mess.

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 09:38

'The issue hasn't subsided and he now says that I have senile dementia and need HRT too. He also says that he had no respect for me either and can do what he likes! '

Are you in your forties and living with a particularly nasty teenager? Because those are the sort of insults that a stupid and abusive child would hurl at their mother in a fit of temper.
What made you think that this was the best you could do for a partner and a relationship? Why are you selling yourself so low? Surely you and your children deserve better than this?

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 09:41

Can this thread be moved to relationships then, because the problem is a whole lot bigger than inviting a friend over without saying.
OP will get better advice there.

Superstickybeak · 13/05/2012 09:43

The only advice is to leave a foul, abusive piece of scum like that, isn't it?

Not getting involved in the first place is actually the best way forward but hey ho....

bruxeur · 13/05/2012 09:46

New washer for the OP's tap, please.

SundaeGirl · 13/05/2012 09:46

To posters whining about drip feeding - Get Over Yourselves! The OP is an actual person with two small babies asking for help, not just some random on-screen opportunity to show off your insights. Go away.

OP, are you OK? You didn't get MN at its best last night.

Sorry, but I think he's secretive because there's stuff he doesn't want you to find out and the telling you you are mad stuff is classic controlling.

everlong · 13/05/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BIWItheBold · 13/05/2012 09:55

Why is this in AIBU?

You clearly aren't BU - but that's obviously not the issue here.

And the answer to the question you actually asked - what would you do - is to sit down and have a long and proper conversation about all of this. Don't do it in a confrontational way, but in a way such that you can talk about how all of this is making you feel. Don't accuse of him of anything and don't rant about how you feel - keep it as neutral as you can, so that you can talk about the issues in an adult and constructive way.

Then you can make a decision about what to do.

Personally, I can't see why you would want him in your life, but that's a decision you have to make.

Noqontrol · 13/05/2012 09:55

Agree sundaegirl There's no need for this. Hope you're ok op.

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 10:00

She's not OK, she has 8 week old twins and is living with a partner who seems to despise her and has already been seeing an ex girlfriend whilst he was in a relationship with the OP.
He chose to stay with the OP, but told her afterwards, so she had no input into the decision. Now he's making choices again without her, and being very nasty and insulting at the same time.
How can she be OK in that scenario?

Original poster
NancyDrew123 · 13/05/2012 10:02

Thanks again. I know I made a massive mistake in continuing the relationship. I guess I just hoped things would get better and he would eventually revert back to the nice guy I met all those years ago.

He tells his mum absolutely everything about us and she endorses his behaviour so I can't win.

This morning he said that he can't see my point of view and if his behaviour upsets me then its just tough.

Thanks to everyone for your support. I need to make some decisions now.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 10:04

You need to be in an adult relationship DairyJo.
This isn't it.

Pilchardnpoppy · 13/05/2012 10:09

I agree with those saying that the people having a go at the op for drip feeding should bugger off. This is a cry for help. The op probably deep down realises that her partner is treating her badly, but he is obviously manipulative, telling her she is 'mad ' makes her doubt herself and wonder if it is her who is wrong. This thread is probably a helpful realisation for her that altogether, the things that he does add up to something not quite right. Let's be supportive please, and empower her to get help in real life.