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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He invited a female friend to our house while I was out

137 replies

NancyDrew123 · 12/05/2012 23:02

I have 8 week old twins. For the first time since they were born I went out for the day with my friends. When I got home my BF casually mentioned that a female friend who I haven't met had popped round to help him look after the children. He had prearranged the visit the day before but not said anything. She is married, had no children herself and lives five mins away. They have been on business trips together and he says he has known her for 18 years. This had not been mentioned before. I was very upset but he says I am insecure and slightly mad. I think he has no respect for me whatsoever. What should I do?

OP posts:

ImBetterThanYou · 13/05/2012 02:13

I think it is strange that he can't look after his own kids for the day without help, presumably the op does it herself while he is at work or is help brought in normally during the day too?

somedayma · 13/05/2012 02:33

Oh FFS. yabu

SodoffBaldrick · 13/05/2012 02:39

The ONLY things I would be pissed off at in this scenario are the fact that he kept her visit a secret from you until after the event, and then in light of that, called you insecure and slightly mad. Those would both have me steaming.

My DH has several women friends who he's known for eons, who've become my friends. At work he is as likely to befriend women as men. Essentially he has great taste in women and I have never had even an inkling of reason to doubt him.

Some of my own father's oldest and best friends are women. I have been raised in an environment of platonic male/female friendships and have my own good friends who are men. This is so not the issue.

Keeping it secret and then gaslighting insulting you is.

Original poster

NancyDrew123 · 13/05/2012 03:18

Thanks for such an array of opinions. The issue hasn't subsided and he now says that I have senile dementia and need HRT too. He also says that he had no respect for me either and can do what he likes! My BF has a history of keeping secrets (I'm blocked from even searching him on FB) so anything could be happening in his life, and he doesnt think he needs to share,

I actually called him during the day and casually asked him what he and yhe babies were doing but he didn't mention his visitor then. I'm either overly suspicious or a bit of a walkover.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 13/05/2012 03:21

If he's that secretive and you don't trust him much, you still went ahead and had babies with him?

Original poster

NancyDrew123 · 13/05/2012 03:30

One last thing....

I probably am a bit paranoid, but 18 months ago I had a shock when he told me he had been seeing an ex girlfriend and had to decide which one of us he wanted to settle down with. He kept the liaisons with her very secret too...only telling me post-event when he had to make his mind up because the pressure of the situation had started getting to him.

OP posts:

Starwisher · 13/05/2012 03:38

He sounds like a total tosser.

No wonder this has got to you, its just another line in the sting of secretive and nasty behaviour.

He is telling you have MH issues, medical issues, he has no respect for the mother of his children, he wants to totally keep you in the dark and he cheated on you and has the audacity to say "pressure of the situation had started getting to him"

What a prize wanker!

You are not overly suspicious or a bit of walkover, you are letting him destroy you.

Please do not put up with this. How can we help you?

tallwivglasses · 13/05/2012 03:42

He's not only a twat he's a Prize Twat.

'Slightly mad' ? - cheeky fucker. Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Windandsand · 13/05/2012 03:43

For me, yanbu .. It's I'd he has known this woman for 18 years and she although married is not close enough to be with her show s friend of the family, or barbecues, dinners, etc. however is close enough to be invited to care for 8 week old babies with no mum experience- surely baffling way to spend your day - and not expect to meet mum- she must think its weird you letting a total stranger look after your kids unless of course she knows she is a secret. I would insist on meeting her, seeing as it might become s regular thing. If he won't let you then yeah it's very dodgy. How did your mate know she was there ? And you are not a bit mad- standard response from blokes caught out and being defensive. Ask his mum if she has met this friend...

tallwivglasses · 13/05/2012 03:43

Oh, and what Starwisher said.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 03:47

Wow.

I was going to say that he was misguided in thinking that you would be ok with a total stranger (to you) spending the day with your new babies.

Now I think that you should be planning the rest of your life without him. He is horrible.

Such vile things he said to you and after cheating on you he still says you are paranoid when he invites another woman to you house?! I rarely say this, but this is one time the "leave the bastard" does actually fit.

You can do better than him. OMG can you do better than him.

Windandsand · 13/05/2012 03:50

Sounds like fatherhood is freakin him out. Not fair on you with newborns. Are you married? Whose house is it? Keep comms open, but he is being unfair and unsupportive. Do you know any other new dads he can meet?

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 03:51

I am still so forgot to mention that blocking your own partner on FB is NOT normal. And did you know that you can set up another account under an assumed name and search for him that way?

He has only blocked you, under your name. He hasnt blocked "Sarah Jane Smith" from Whereversville has he? I would have had a secret FB account from the day I realised he had blocked me, but I am a suspicious bugger like that.

Starwisher · 13/05/2012 03:51

Im not one for "leave the bastard" either and like to see both sides of the coin and hope couples can resolve the issue... but I agree in his case with bogey, he sounds so pathetic and awful I cannot even find a way to justify his "side".

Im sorry but he sounds exactly like my ex, and that did not end well. I know what your going through its a horrible situation.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 03:51

Wind, have you read the whole thread?

SodoffBaldrick · 13/05/2012 03:53

"I probably am a bit paranoid, but 18 months ago I had a shock when he told me he had been seeing an ex girlfriend and had to decide which one of us he wanted to settle down with. He kept the liaisons with her very secret too...only telling me post-event when he had to make his mind up because the pressure of the situation had started getting to him."

That should have been when you told him, "I'm going to make this very easy for you", and then said that he's welcome to the ex and ran for the bloody hills.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing... So, basically, here's what we have:

On the one hand, a man who lies, conceals, hides the truth, actively prevents you from being part of his daily life (FB)..

And on the other hand, takes HUGE umbrage when you don't just roll over and accept this, and makes out you're somehow deficient by not happily accepting all this by calling you insecure, slightly mad, have senile dementia and need HRT.

Right.

Anyone who now says YABU is being deeply disingenuous and is obviously looking at this from the benefit of their normal, healthy relationship. Which is something the OP definitely does not have.

I don't even know how to go about advising you to rectify this, but 'leave the bastard' probably is about the gist of it. The fact that you have newborn twins with this 'man' makes it really sad.

QOD · 13/05/2012 04:56

all sounds bit fishy to me . he has a history, I agree with the suggestion of the fake Facebook account so you can peep.

how is life generally though?

Kayano · 13/05/2012 05:10

Another one who trusts their husband and wouldn't bat an eye at who he had over when I was out.

I have had my single male friend over a few times when DH is at work... I don't see the difference

Kayano · 13/05/2012 05:11

Ah right

Drip feed

Got it

MsPaperbackWriter · 13/05/2012 06:01

Yes you are a total walkover. What on earth are you doing with him? Get some self respect and get out

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 13/05/2012 06:10

Two things bother me:

any man that calls you mad/crazy/mental/round the bend because you have questioned them
if she's a friend of 18 years, who lives 5 mins away, why havent you met her?

Tinkerisdead · 13/05/2012 06:15

There was once a thread on here about how did you know your dh/dp was "the one", and i said because it was the first relationship where there were no mind games, no secrecy, no jealousy. Those times when you think you're paranoid because they tell you you're imagining things, a drama queen, a jealous cow etc etc. That you want to check their phone, facebook, email or whatever because you just dont trust whats

He keeps secrets then turns on you for it. Even if you have been hurt in the past and are overly cautious, jealous or possessive and thats why he does as he does. This isnt a healthy relationship. I trust my husband implicitly because there is complete honesty in our marriage. Without that, whats left?

Florabella · 13/05/2012 07:06

I honestly don't think there was any funny business going on here, but given the past history I can understand why you would feel funny. I might have more of an issue with the fact that he didn't tell me first, but it may well have been that he knew you needed a break and didn't want you to feel he couldn't handle it. If you still feel uneasy it would be completely reasonable to suggest meeting this woman (in a non-accusatory way)

Secondly, with the names and insults he has come out with - is that normal for him? It's just that, as a mum of twins, I know my partner and I said some pretty horrible stuff to each other in the first three months of the babies' lives (that's when we could even bear to speak to each other!). Sleep deprivation does terrible things to a relationship, and the exhaustion with twins of that age should not be underestimated!

Hope you get it sorted

DPrince · 13/05/2012 07:42

He is a test. End of. In this situation though, I bet he has mentioned he is worried about having the twins on his own. She offered to help and he accepted
Later he thought 'shit, girlfriend isn't going to be happy but if I tell her she won't go and if I tell friend my girlfriend won't like it, it will make it me look like girlfriend rules my life' it seemed easier to not tell you. Because he is a knob. Given the past I can see why it would upset you especially given his reaction.

Gincognito · 13/05/2012 07:46

Gosh, I don't think we need to be annoyed at the OP for drip feeding.

She's in an abusive relationship and she has newborn twins. Twins!

I think we should be very gentle with her.

OP, how are you this morning?

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