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Original poster

He invited a female friend to our house while I was out

137 replies

NancyDrew123 · 12/05/2012 23:02

I have 8 week old twins. For the first time since they were born I went out for the day with my friends. When I got home my BF casually mentioned that a female friend who I haven't met had popped round to help him look after the children. He had prearranged the visit the day before but not said anything. She is married, had no children herself and lives five mins away. They have been on business trips together and he says he has known her for 18 years. This had not been mentioned before. I was very upset but he says I am insecure and slightly mad. I think he has no respect for me whatsoever. What should I do?

OP posts:
LapsedPacifist · 12/05/2012 23:29

Helping to look after 8 week old twins is hardly the best scenario for an illicit shag.

"Come up and change my babies stinky bots" Hmm

I mean, seriously, what sort of a DESPERATE cow would you have to be to go along with that as a chat up line.........

FunnysInLaJardin · 12/05/2012 23:31

its just about basics like trust and respect really. I have been with DH for 24 years. If he invited some chick over to look after my newborn twins I would be furious actually. If we had a different relationship where this kind of stuff was common place then I may be more chilled. Deep Ends dun nit

hmc · 12/05/2012 23:32

It's bizarre that he didn't think to mention it to you

gafhyb · 12/05/2012 23:32

Leguminous

If you are so cool with it, why the need even to raise eyebrows or ask to meet the person?

gafhyb · 12/05/2012 23:33

To me this isn't actually about shagging, it's about my house and my very new babies

LeBOF · 12/05/2012 23:33

It's not like I think they would nip off for a shag or anything, not remotely, just that it's bizarre to suddenly materialise a woman he claims to have known for years, who lives five minutes away, yet you have never met her? He is willing to palm off his babies' care to any old female colleague, without your knowledge? How would he have viewed it if, on his first day back at work, you had announced that, actually, Geoff from the pub quiz team had been there all day to give you a hand, because you'd asked him to, but didn't think to mention it until after the fact?

gafhyb · 12/05/2012 23:34

Well, OPs babies Grin

Noqontrol · 12/05/2012 23:34

I would talk to him about it dairyjo. It sounds a little odd to me that he hadn't mentioned it. I don't think you are wrong to be feeling the way you do. I think he is wrong for not telling you about the arrangements he had made.

SundaeGirl · 12/05/2012 23:36

You say you think he has no respect for you whatsoever - does that extend beyond today?

leguminous · 12/05/2012 23:37

I wouldn't need to, personally. I'm just trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who does feel freaked out by this, and imagine a reasonable way of expressing that. I truly can't see that this is cause for major upset in any scenario, but if it was very unusual in the relationship for her not to have met one of her BF's friends then she'd be justified in being surprised and wanting to meet this person who'd been helping to care for her babies.

gafhyb · 12/05/2012 23:39

Sounds like we agree then legume

GrahamTribe · 12/05/2012 23:39

Unless you'd have felt the same about a male friend of 18 years standing you're being unreasonable to think he has no respect for you. Actually, you'd be unreasonable even if the friend was male. What should you do? Nothing. Your DP is still in your home with you, your babies too and everyone is fine. There's nothing to do.

stuffitunderthebed · 12/05/2012 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/05/2012 23:41

"If he loves you, he will have to deal with the insecurities and jealousy as well as the good bits."

if the sexes where reversed on this we would have red flags every where and "leave the bastard"

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/05/2012 23:42

I'd find it really bizarre if DH had a mate he'd known for 18 years, and been on business trips with, and he'd not mentioned these things and not wanted me to meet her.

I wouldn't give the faintest flying toss about DH bringing back a female friend when I wasn't there ... but the rest is very, very odd. Confused

slowestwildebeast · 12/05/2012 23:42

fallen some friend of his was in your bed asleep and you had to sleep on the floor! What the hell? No chuffing way would I expect to come home and find anyone else in my bed and then be informed I had to sleep on the floor, unless it was an elderly relative of theirs! Deary me!

stuffitunderthebed · 12/05/2012 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noqontrol · 12/05/2012 23:44

I'd find it a little strange if arrangements were made with an unknown male friend, if it had not been mentioned to me before.

helenthemadex · 12/05/2012 23:52

the female friend coming round while I was out wouldnt bother me but the fact that this was arranged the day before, and she was coming to help care for my children and this not mentioned is a bit odd and that would make me uncomfortable

VolkswagenBeetle · 13/05/2012 00:00

What I would want to know is, if she's been his friend for 18 years and only lives 5 minutes away, why on earth haven't you as his girlfriend and the mother of his newborn twins ever met her? Or at least heard about her? Hmm That would ring alarm bells for me. I'm not sure how long you've been together? But even though I haven't met all of my DH's friends I certainly have heard about them. And if he'd had a friend for 18 years who pretty much lived around the corner I'm quite sure I would have met them by now!

Smellslikecatspee · 13/05/2012 00:11

NO

Freaky beyond freaky

So out of order.

I hold my hands up a a childless, but I would never leave any of my nieces or nephews, or my many many god children with some random i had never seen before person, nor would OH, all very odd.

Nothing to do with your DP having female friends, no issue with that. More of an Hmm if he didn't have any female friends, which is nether here nor there.

All sounds odd

BackforGood · 13/05/2012 00:31

I agree with the 'deal with the paranoia' comment on the first page, in response to your 'What should I do?' question.
Smells and others who have said the same - he's not 'leaving his children with some random', far from it, he's invited a friend to spend some time with him when he's looking after them. Talk about putting a different spin on things!
OP - Do you need to get permission for a friend to come round if he's not there ?

lisaro · 13/05/2012 00:43

I think he didn't mention it because he didn't want to admit he was nervous and therefore spoil your no doubt very well deserved day out.

Starwisher · 13/05/2012 00:52

I agree with stuff and LRD

Its not the fact its a woman that is the issue, it the weirdness of not mentioning it at all in the first place.

Starwisher · 13/05/2012 00:55

There is 3 reasons he didn't mention this:

  1. He just didnt think of it as a big deal
  2. He was trying rope someone else in as he was scared of dealing with newborn twins alone and didn't want to upset you by mentioning it, or you trying to stop her coming/ spoiling the day out/ looking like a wuss
  3. He kept it hidden as there is something amiss