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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

He invited a female friend to our house while I was out

137 replies

NancyDrew123 · 12/05/2012 23:02

I have 8 week old twins. For the first time since they were born I went out for the day with my friends. When I got home my BF casually mentioned that a female friend who I haven't met had popped round to help him look after the children. He had prearranged the visit the day before but not said anything. She is married, had no children herself and lives five mins away. They have been on business trips together and he says he has known her for 18 years. This had not been mentioned before. I was very upset but he says I am insecure and slightly mad. I think he has no respect for me whatsoever. What should I do?

OP posts:
RubyGates · 13/05/2012 10:13

Oh I've just looked at your profile and your link! You are not any of the things this deluded moron called you. You are a strong, talented beautiful woman with two older sons (Is that your Frazer in the Pottery Picture?), as well as those new twins. You have enough on your (beautifuly handmade) plate at the moment without the stupid mind games your partner wants to play.

You DO NOT NEED this man in your life.

everlong · 13/05/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidAnchovy · 13/05/2012 10:40

Personally I think when you found out he had been seeing an Ex to decide who to "settle down with" was the time to leave, not end up having twins with him

JustFab · 13/05/2012 10:47

I think his response says it all.

He is criticising you and putting you down rather than reassuring you or putting himself down. That is very telling imo.

TidyDancer · 13/05/2012 10:48

The female friend is a total red herring here.

I would have no problem with DP having a married or unmarried female friend in the house while I was not there. It's ridiculous to think men and women can't just be friends and I think it says more about the person who has the problem with it than it does anyone else when this issue comes up.

But that is not your issue.

Unfortunately, you have had babies with a child. That is your problem. Like I said, this woman is a total red herring and you need to not focus on that.

I think you need to have a serious chat wth your DP about whether this relationship has any future.

everlong · 13/05/2012 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFab · 13/05/2012 10:55

OMG Shock. Now I have read your latest post I think you have a massive decision to make and I know what I think you should do. Talk to him very calmly and clearly about how out of order he is. Forget the woman and him not wanting to spend quality daddy time with his new babies. The way he has been with you since is the real deal breaker imo.

TidyDancer · 13/05/2012 10:55

Exactly, everlong (and thanks!).

This friend being there could by symptomatic of a larger problem, but it's certainly not the issue the OP wants to be focusing on in this relationship.

This is not a man she wants to be raising children with. The way he is treating her either changes or she leaves (or kicks him out). Those babies deserve better.

TidyDancer · 13/05/2012 10:56

could be, not could by

Cloudbase · 13/05/2012 11:32

Could everyone please bear in mind that if the OP has been in an abusive relationship for any length of time, she will have been gaslighted and had her perspective and self respect and self esteem eroded gradually until she is probably not able to see the wood for the trees.

That is why she is posting here and asking for help.

It's not helpful to blame her for getting in this situation or not making different choices. Abusive relationships are horribly complex and very hard to leave for a whole variety of reasons; emotional, physical and financial among others, not to mention the traumatic bonding that can take place. Having had twins with her partner will only have complicated matters - that's partially how abusers operate. They wait until they perceive their victim to be in a vulnerable position, or less likely to leave them before ramping up the pressure (often after childbirth, or marriage or moving in together.

It's possible that this is the first time it's occurred to the OP that her relationship is really outside the bounds of 'normal' if his behaviour is what she's used to.

Please be kind and try and avoid blaming - trust me, having walked in her shoes, it really won't help.

And I also second moving this to Relationships - OP there are lots of us who have experienced this sort of thing - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you, of course, are categorically not any of the things that he is saying. And remember that relationships don't have to be violent to be abusive.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you, especially only 8 weeks after having twins, but please know that we can support you and help you through this.

Womens Aid:0808 2000 247 - you can just ring them for a chat about your situation and you might find it helpful. They are lovely.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:35

There is only one sensible decision for you to make, love

leave him

Trills · 13/05/2012 11:35

I agree that this would sit better in Relationships.

If you think a thread should move to a different topic you need to hit "Report" and ask MNHQ nicely (I've done it now). They don't actually read every post so if you don't report the thread they won't know that you want it moved.

CatherineHMumsnet · 13/05/2012 11:41

Hi - we'll be moving this to Relationships in a moment.

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 11:41

I did that at 9.40am Trills. Smile
Perhaps MNHQ are not quite awake yet, or busy cooking a proper Sunday dinner.

Trills · 13/05/2012 11:43

Aha - here they are :)

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 11:43

Abracadabra!
One last thought though OP, what do your two teenage sons think of your relationship and the way your partner treats you? Do they think it's acceptable?
Is this how they will treat their partners?

MrsBovary · 13/05/2012 11:48

I think it's quite odd actually.

And he can't manage his eight week old twins alone for a few hours Hmm

TheUnMember · 13/05/2012 12:12

If I told my husband I was upset by something he'd done, he'd be mortified and try everything in his power to make it right. Even if it was all in my head. I can't imagine a situation where he would say 'tough'. DairyJo you deserve better. Much better.

BackforGood · 13/05/2012 13:41

So, you wait until over 50 people have replied, to actually set the situation in context Hmm

With the new information in mind, I don't think I can improve upon what SuperStickyBeak said ~ "^So, you went ahead and had babies with a man you knew to be secretive, two faced, lying, spiteful and possibly unfaithful?

And after making that choice, you are now pissed off that he's, erm, secretive, two faced, lying, spiteful and possibly unfaithful?

Sigh^"

NancyDrew123 · 13/05/2012 13:49

I posted on here to get a reality check. It's a complex situation. I've always been optimistic but the arguments are a weekly occurrence. He told me to have the courage to stand by my convictions (I threatened to leave him), but added that he wont leave the house and that I'd have to force a sale.

OP posts:
goldylock · 13/05/2012 14:02

Oh my gosh.
Yes - you do need to stand by the courage of your conviction.
If you say "im going to leave you", you need to follow it up. If you dont, all you are showing him is that they are empty threaths, and people like him will only laugh at you and see it as weak.

You've obviously thought of leaving him, you just havent followed the courage of your conviction. I cant imagine how hard it must be to decide to leave the father of your babies, and they so young, but, this isnt what you should be focussing on. You want to give yourself and your babies the best life possible. You havent done anything wrong. Remember this. All you want is for you and your babies to be happy. And he is not providing a healthy relationship or atmosphere for you and them to thrive in.

Would a few months of heartache and sorting out the babies (arranging for him seeing them), and getting sorting the house be better than a life time of what he is doing? Because he will never change.

goldylock · 13/05/2012 14:11

Can I just add - we all make mistakes. And sometimes in a relationship we over step the boundaries and upset the other person. What would normally happen is that lines are drawn and things are sorted out - ONLY if the person is willing to change (a "oh my god what was I thinking, Ive really hurt/upset my partner" moment). You cant make him realise things/change. And empty threaths will only put fuel on the fire.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2012 14:23

does seem suss that after an 18yr friendship and she lives round the corner that you havnt met before and the fact he blocks you on fb ........ let alone been unfaithful - yes some may query why you had children with this man

but this has obv happened, so what do you do know? do you try and salvage something from this relationship or do you spilt up - personally i would leave - this man shows you no respect or understanding

everlong · 13/05/2012 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FallenCaryatid · 13/05/2012 14:53

What about her two sons who are teenagers? Presumably they live in the house too?

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