DL - but lower down on this mammoth thread you said your DW did say the violence was a problem. You posted: "Quite a few here have homed in on the violence. My DW does that too. Am I missing something here." - er, yes!
I agree that your wife's 'silent treatment' and contempt must be intensely frustrating and is clearly destructive to your relationship. But a relationship with violence in it is never going to be an easy one to talk openly in, IMO. I think if you stop hitting her for good and forever then I think some other issues may be much easier to resolve. It is very hard to talk from the heart to someone you are a bit afraid of. It just is. Maybe she won't be any different but surely it's worth a try? Also she may register the swearing as violence. I do swear a bit - eg exclaiming things like bugger and bollocks when I drop something or lose something (ds says both now ) but I don't swear at my dh and I don't use stronger swear words regularly. My dh used to swear more when angry or irritated but I explained to him that I found it quite threatening and that it made him sound violent (he's totally non physically violent ) even though he wasn't swearing at me. He has drastically cut down on it. Just saying your DW isn't alone in this. She probably finds some of your humour very abrasive and uncomfortable to live with sometimes - you can see how it has repelled women here who were basically on your side. Words do matter. Gentle words, kind words, polite words and respectful words are a turn on for most women.
I'm not saying your wife is perfect - not at all - but you do I think have to commit to change yourself (I'm not talking about losing weight here) as part of the process of trying to save your marriage. Why not tell her you are sick of hurting her and her being afraid and that you aren't going to do it anymore. Offer to try to swear less and see what happens. Often one person's changing behaviour can provoke a change in the other person too.