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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he have a point or do I? Aaaargh!!!

142 replies

peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:50

Due to a £200 a month drop in tax credits which I am gutted at (not sure how we will cope now), I have asked xh if he can assist with some expenses for dd. I get that he may not want to do this as he does pay maintenance (albeit a paltry amount). If he doesn't, dd will have to drop an activity and she doesn't do much as it is. This however, is not the main point as I do realise that she doesn't NEED this.

I currently pay for After School Club and have managed to get my need for it down to one session. Xh uses it 3 times a week so I have asked him if he could pay his way as he is the one using it (paying for his own sessions that is). He says categorically that he will not do this and if I try to get him to pay then he will reduce my maintenance payments accordingly.

I am so upset tonight. I have tried to explain to him that this is only for the benefit of our dd but he sees it as "subsidising" ME. He is such a complete nob and I can hardly bear to think about him (think two holidays a year for him).

He says that, if I took this to the CSA then I would be worse off again as they take into account the expenses he pays for her.

I am at a loss and have just had enough of being so broke and am livid at xh and the government and everything and everybody!!

DP has recently been made redundant and has a part-time job but desperately trying to find more work.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
WhereMyMilk · 09/05/2012 20:52

Surely if he's using it then he pays for it?

TitsalinaBumSquash · 09/05/2012 20:53

Do they take into account expenses he pays for her though?
My ex tried to tell the CSA he had to buy the kids xyz because I wouldn't and they basically said tough, it's worked out on what he earns and the nights he cares for them.

You shouldn't be paying for his child care imo.

mumblechum1 · 09/05/2012 20:53

The CSA don't take into account expenses he pays. He would be assessed to pay 15% of his net pay (gross less Tax, NI and any pension contributions). Would that be more than he's paying at the moment?

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:54

WhereMyMilk, you would think so but no - not according to him. Words cannot express what twisted views he has of everything. He likes to back me into a corner by threats. The threat to reduce maintenance when he knows we are not managing as it is. I feel sick and this is the reason why we are not together anymore.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/05/2012 20:55

Eh?
You don't have to pay for his childcare!

What planet is he on?

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:56

Mumble, I don't know what he earns now. I am pretty sure he has had promotion but he won't disclose salary to me for reassessment. As Tits said, he is paying an amount that he says is 15% and takes into account overnights.

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:57

Quite Pictish - you would have to know him to understand. What shall I do? If I make him pay it he will reduce my maintenance - can I get him on that one?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 09/05/2012 21:01

Are you able to go to the nursery and say that from X date they will need to invoice you and your ex seperately for the days that you each need her to be there.
Then let ex know that the nursery will be doing that.

I know how hard this knotted feeling in the stomach is but could you ring csa anyway to get some advise, or cab?

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:06

Yes Mamas, I will do that. I am sick of him using threats to get me to comply so I will call his bluff. He won't want me to contact the CSA because of his job but I'm sodding well going to do it now. Have had enough. I will ring the CSA and check it all out anyway. Bastard.

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/05/2012 21:09

The maintenance he pays is for essential things for your DD, not clubs, and certainly not his childcare.

He either pays for his part or take care of your DD.

How much is he paying?

I suspect CSA would make him pay more than he is, unless he is not declaring his salary. But in any case, it would save you from his threats.

Do check with CAB and CSA (they have a calculator).

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:12

Lueji, he is paying me £140 a month and has dd every other weekend (but not always), and two nights in the week which is why the amount is low. However, I know he earns well.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/05/2012 21:18

just go to the CSA

RandomMess · 09/05/2012 21:20

Hmm if you're paying for the childcare is it forming part of your CTC assessment? If it was/is then you do need to be the one paying for it.

I think you'd be better off going through the CSA as then he can't threaten to dock it every time and if your dd doesn't get x y z off him then that's his choice.

mumblechum1 · 09/05/2012 21:22

I agree that you should go through the CSA.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:23

Random, good point on the CTC but if I am only paying for one session, I will only claim one session from CTC and then I am guessing it doesn't matter? Do you think that's ok?

I will also go to the CSA - I have had enough of years of crap from him.

Can't stop crying tonight over bloody everything!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/05/2012 21:25

Yes that's absolutely fine, you only claim for what you pay for.

He's an arse, but then that's why he's your ex!

Lueji · 09/05/2012 21:26

It depends on how well he earns.

A quick calculation based on £500 a week net income, with less than 3 nights a week on average, gives 54 per week. So more than £200 a month.

More than 3 nights a week, would give £43 a week. So, more than £160.

Either he is not earning that well or he is lying to you.

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

PooPooInMyToes · 09/05/2012 21:29

What a cheeky fecker!

I don't understand why my earth you should be paying for the childcare on his days! That sounds so wrong.

He's a arsehole to be threatening you with reducing money because of this and that, so i think you have no choice but to go through the csa. Sorting it out yourselves is only going to work if you are both reasonable which he is not.

Although he's going to be really pissed off at first, hopefully things will be a lot less stressful for you once they sort it out.

You can't go on like this!

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:32

Random, yes that is why! Thanks for that Lueji, I am pretty sure he is taking home about £2000 a month. He will play every game in the book and every bit of blackmail to get me to comply but not this time.

I'm not listening to any more threats.

OP posts:
IamMrsJones · 09/05/2012 21:32

Just wanted to add, my ex was like this. I finally got brave enough and contacted the CSA. Best thing I ever did!

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:42

Thanks Iam. Did you become better off by going through the CSA?

I have just had a realisation. The fact that he is even threatening to mess with the maintenance is reason enough to put it in the hands of the CSA!

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/05/2012 21:49

And if he doesn't want you to go through the CSA means it's probably worth it. Wink

Original poster
peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 21:50

PooPoo sorry x-post! Yes anything is better than this. I think he is earning about £500 a week but can't be sure. If I have got that wrong and go the CSA I could be shooting myself in the foot! However, can't bear to go on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 10/05/2012 23:12

xh has been ramping up his bullying today. the lovely upstanding member of the community and all round perfect father has even suggested that he will drop contact thus forcing me to use childcare more! a new low even for him.

he was telling me that the CSA would take into consideration his expenses. not sure what they are. and that i would regret it.

i rang the CSA and they confirmed that he was talking out of his arse.

god i really hate him.

OP posts:
Lueji · 10/05/2012 23:18

But if he has less contact he has to pay more. And you are already paying for that same childcare. So you end up having more money anyway, unless I'm missing something.

Stay strong. He's an idiot.