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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he have a point or do I? Aaaargh!!!

142 replies

peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:50

Due to a £200 a month drop in tax credits which I am gutted at (not sure how we will cope now), I have asked xh if he can assist with some expenses for dd. I get that he may not want to do this as he does pay maintenance (albeit a paltry amount). If he doesn't, dd will have to drop an activity and she doesn't do much as it is. This however, is not the main point as I do realise that she doesn't NEED this.

I currently pay for After School Club and have managed to get my need for it down to one session. Xh uses it 3 times a week so I have asked him if he could pay his way as he is the one using it (paying for his own sessions that is). He says categorically that he will not do this and if I try to get him to pay then he will reduce my maintenance payments accordingly.

I am so upset tonight. I have tried to explain to him that this is only for the benefit of our dd but he sees it as "subsidising" ME. He is such a complete nob and I can hardly bear to think about him (think two holidays a year for him).

He says that, if I took this to the CSA then I would be worse off again as they take into account the expenses he pays for her.

I am at a loss and have just had enough of being so broke and am livid at xh and the government and everything and everybody!!

DP has recently been made redundant and has a part-time job but desperately trying to find more work.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
springaroundthecorner · 13/05/2012 09:00

I've no experience of any of this as my children are older but I just wanted to post and say how awful it all sounds.

What a total knob he is. He cant be very happy about his new life if he spends all this energy upsetting you at the expense of your DD.

Good luck. You will both be happy without him x

HereIGo · 13/05/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 10:42

I'd point out to him does he really thing dd won't put 2+2 together = 4, he gets married and then disappears off the scene. That's going to really make her love her stepmum!!!!

TimeForMeAndDD · 13/05/2012 10:52

I personally would maintain a dignified silence. Your DD will work things out for herself as she grows up. You will be able to answer any questions she asks you, honestly and age appropriately. I don't think he needs anything pointing out to him, he will pay the price for his selfishness when his daughter chooses not to have anything to do with him when she is older.

He is digging himself a big hole at the moment. Just let him get on with it, meanwhile, you enjoy your lovely DD and take pleasure from what he is missing out on Smile

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:45

yep, dignified silence

let him do what he thinks is right

you sound like you have your head screwed on, though and like a lovely mum x

PooPooInMyToes · 13/05/2012 12:31

What a fucking cunt!

I would explain to your daughter that some times even grown ups act like idiots and that its nothing to actually do with her, not her fault etc. And then DO NOT back down! Go through the csa (have you done that yet?) and stop playing his games.

lunamoon · 13/05/2012 23:45

Definately the CSA.
Do you have his girlfriend's mob number?
Perhaps you could accidentally forward all his threatening texts to her phone, just so she knows what a total twat she is about to get hooked up with?

Original poster
peedoffbird · 14/05/2012 22:23

Thanks everyone. Thanks AnyFucker for your kind words! I do think dd will put two and two together very soon so I intend to maintain a dignified silence. I haven't replied to his texts and, from this week, I am having him billed for his ASC use. Tbh I feel a bit nervous about it all as I know what he is capable of but I am still going ahead. I will wait a bit to see if he drops maintenance payments and will then hit him with the CSA. Do you think I should do it anyway? I'm not sure.

Lunamoon, I don't have his girlfriend's number and yes, I feel very sorry for her because she hasn't seen the real him yet, only the persona he wishes her and the rest of the world to see. It really is quite disturbing and crossing him in the past has never ended well. However, this has gone on long enough and I'm not running scared anymore.

Still not sure if he is bluffing but I am assuming not as he was quite specific about amounts and dates etc.

It really is quite exhausting dealing with him :(

OP posts:
Lueji · 14/05/2012 23:05

People like these are exhausting.

That's why you should cut contact to a minimum and go to the CSA anyway.
It saves all the hassle of wondering, and being subject to blackmail.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/05/2012 11:51

Yes go through the csa anyway. Otherwise he will always hold it over your head.

Wineoclockalready · 15/05/2012 13:34

I know you must be completely drained dealing with all his crap, but please don't wait to see if he reduces maintenance as CSA takes a while to sort, and from your description of him, I doubt very much he is going to respond promptly to their requests for information, salary etc. Get on to them now so that you and DD are not left in the lurch financially when he does his bunk.

TimeForMeAndDD · 15/05/2012 13:38

Yes, go straight to the CSA, don't wait. Don't leave him with anything to control you with.

You are doing the right thing, it's always nerve racking standing up to bullies but you do come out of it stronger in the end Smile

Original poster
peedoffbird · 15/05/2012 18:58

Thanks everyone. just had a text from him saying that he will send me his new contact rota. I think he's really going through with it. I will contact the CSA in advance.

I keep looking at my dd and my heart breaks for her. she won't understand. They are very close.

I feel ill today. I have full on stressful job and feel totally exhausted. Sick of battling and anxious about what he will do.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 15/05/2012 19:11

He's doing a lot of talking about it isn't he? Why doesn't he just get on with it an do it, why does he keep having to tell you he is doing it? My guess is he is still after a reaction from you. So give him one, via the CSA Wink

Your DD will be just fine, she has you, and you are worth a 100 of him!

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 15:20

What a scumbag! Prepared to hurt your daughter by withdrawing from her for the sake of money. Or rather because you are refusing to be controlled by it. My bet is that he is expecting you to back down. You can't though. Sad for your little girl but the man is awful.

Bletchley · 16/05/2012 15:30

Um, I'm not sure about this. Presumably you aren't able to pick your DD up from school at 3.30 or whatever on this nights and have her until he comes for her. So you DO need the ASC on those nights? Usually childcare costs are seen as the responsibility of the parent with care, which is why tax credits take them into account.

AmberLeaf · 16/05/2012 16:59

Its his job to pick the DD up from school on those days though as she is 'with' him on those days.

So his responsibility.

Lueji · 16/05/2012 17:13

Considering that CSA takes "nights" into account, you should be careful not to agree to "nights" when DD only stays with him the night.
It has to mean a full day of 24 hours.
And to include child care and picking up.

For example, he collects her from your home Thursday afternoon, and he returns her Friday afternoon at the same time.

Similarly for weekends. Two nights to mean two days, not taking Friday afternoon and returning Sunday morning.
Or, better for you moneywise, collect Saturday morning and return Sunday afternoon. :-)

Bletchley · 16/05/2012 20:50

Do your tax credits take the cost of childcare into account though? If they do, I don't think you can insist he pays?

ivykaty44 · 16/05/2012 20:57

If you do this or that then - I am going to alter your maintenence

It is called controlling and it isn't my money it is money for my dc upkeep.

He is worried though that you will go to the CSA as he is feeding you a load of nonsense - why would that be I wonder? I bet he knows he is paying way less than he should and on top of that if the CSA are involved then he is not in control and will not get his childcare paid for by someone else

Original poster
peedoffbird · 16/05/2012 21:36

bletchley yes I do claim child tax credits. however if he pays i will only claim for my usage. in my case he is using ASC more than me and has recently added another night and you still expect me to pay for them all? don't forget also that only 60% of childcare is covered.

Lueji I didn't know that overnights meant
24 hours. that means money has been way out for years.

Poopoo I do think he is still trying to play me to see

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 16/05/2012 21:40

bletchley yes I do claim child tax credits. however if he pays i will only claim for my usage. in my case he is using ASC more than me and has recently added another night and you still expect me to pay for them all? don't forget also that only 60% of childcare is covered.

Lueji I didn't know that overnights meant
24 hours. that means money has been way out for years.

Poopoo I do think he is still trying to play me to see if I back down but I won't.

I have not had a good day and qm totally exhausted and tearful. Am already in bed. I think it's the fear of the upcoming battle because there will be one. there always is. thanks everyone for your support. it means a.lot.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 21:43

I didn't know that overnights meant 24 hours. that means money has been way out for years.

At least you know now.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 21:44

Is your partner supportive?

Original poster
peedoffbird · 16/05/2012 21:51

Poopoo yes he is very supportive and does what he can.

He is furious with xh as he sees how difficult things are every day
bletchley has made a useful point. but if all my childcare was covered by tax credits then fair enough but it's far from it. im bit confused now and want to be very sure I am being fair been if he isn't.especially as the end result would hurt my dd.

oh bum confused now

OP posts:
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