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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he have a point or do I? Aaaargh!!!

142 replies

peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:50

Due to a £200 a month drop in tax credits which I am gutted at (not sure how we will cope now), I have asked xh if he can assist with some expenses for dd. I get that he may not want to do this as he does pay maintenance (albeit a paltry amount). If he doesn't, dd will have to drop an activity and she doesn't do much as it is. This however, is not the main point as I do realise that she doesn't NEED this.

I currently pay for After School Club and have managed to get my need for it down to one session. Xh uses it 3 times a week so I have asked him if he could pay his way as he is the one using it (paying for his own sessions that is). He says categorically that he will not do this and if I try to get him to pay then he will reduce my maintenance payments accordingly.

I am so upset tonight. I have tried to explain to him that this is only for the benefit of our dd but he sees it as "subsidising" ME. He is such a complete nob and I can hardly bear to think about him (think two holidays a year for him).

He says that, if I took this to the CSA then I would be worse off again as they take into account the expenses he pays for her.

I am at a loss and have just had enough of being so broke and am livid at xh and the government and everything and everybody!!

DP has recently been made redundant and has a part-time job but desperately trying to find more work.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Lueji · 12/05/2012 16:26

Afraid so.

DS is only 7 but he realises who's on his side. And I don't have to bad mouth ex.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 16:28

Lueji they do get it in the end themselves and we can only rely on that. I never bad mouth xh either and I will continue not to despite this latest thing. I just need to know what he is going to tell her so that I can provide consistency for her.

OP posts:
msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 16:30

Op if you are paying for afterschool at the moment you should tell the tax credits the total amount you are paying, then if exh coughs up his share you can let them know your costs are reduced. Good luck with CSA.

RandomMess · 12/05/2012 16:35

Seems like he thinks DD will get in the way and perhaps they are relocating...

Lueji · 12/05/2012 16:37

Just as long as he doesn't tell her it's your fault...

Lueji · 12/05/2012 16:38

She's lucky to have you :)

And my DS too. Wink

TimeForMeAndDD · 12/05/2012 16:41

So, he is getting married, moving area and won't be able to/doesn't want to see his DD as often so is going to use your request for a little more money as his excuse to do exactly what he was going to do all along. Only now he can blame you rather than take responsibility himself. Lovely man.

I wouldn't respond to his texts/threats or whatever. I would go ahead with the CSA. A reaction from you is what he is after, don't give it to him.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 17:41

Lueji, yes they are lucky to have us as our love is unconditional. He has text me to say that he will be explaining to dd that he cannot see her due to the issues he is having over money with me. Therefore, yes, he will be blaming me for this lack of contact. Apparently, he is "releasing himself from these issues".

My God what a total wanker.

Time, I am no longer responding to his texts as I have nothing to say.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 12/05/2012 17:59

'Releasing himself from these issues' by passing them on to his DD. Lovely father.

You are well rid of that one.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 18:08

Time, no matter how crap things are now, they can never be as crap as still being married to him! I will have to suck this up and handle it when it arises.

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 12/05/2012 18:16

Well, I personally think going through the CSA is the best thing you can do. He won't like it at all because it's an 'authority' and men like him don't enjoy being dictated to, but it puts you in a more secure place. It also distances you from him as you can get the CSA to collect the money on your behalf. So, although it's unpleasant right now, he has done you a favour in the long run Smile

Sallyingforth · 12/05/2012 19:10

Agree it's for the best. He's moving away with his new partner (who may actually be the one who is pushing him to distance himself (in every sense from his former relationship)

glastocat · 12/05/2012 19:37

Wow, what an arsehole he is! He will live to regret it one day,never fear. Go to the Csa, get the money you are due. If he chooses to cut contact because of that,well, he would have used some excuse sooner or later. My father behaved very badly over money when my parents split up. While I went on to have a pretty good relationship with him as an adult, ended up dying lonely and alone. My mum brought me up alone and on precious little money,we are very close and she remarried very happily, and is very happy. Karma, my dear, gets them all in the end.

belagh · 12/05/2012 19:41

at the moment you know where he is. you don't know what plans he has for September if he's working an exit strategy now. CSA and as little contact. change you no so he can't keep just txting you this drivel

leguminous · 12/05/2012 20:57

I will never understand how someone could willingly hurt their own child to get back at another adult. What a foul bastard of a man.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 21:08

I am not texting anymore. he has asked me to agree to his drop of contact. another game and I won't play it. He is making these choices not me. Watching BUT with dd. He has spoken to her on the phone. i love you and all that. My heart breaks for her because she won't understand. everything will change for her. I will keep her close.

thanks for all your support. It means so much. I have been questioning myself so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 21:09

ha ha! watching BGT not BUT!!!

OP posts:
glastocat · 12/05/2012 21:37

She will understand you know. I was only eight when my parents split up and my mum tried to shield me from all of my fathers shenanigans,but I knew what was going on. We had a good relationship when I was a grown up, went on holiday with him a few times even (!) but I never forgave him, and he knew that I never would. Children are cleverer than you think, if her dad does this of course she will be terribly hurt,but you will be there for her,and I promise you, she will be ok.

TimeForMeAndDD · 12/05/2012 21:48

He wants you to agree because then in his mind he is doing nothing wrong, he is wanting you to alleviate his guilt. Don't do it. Let's just see if he can actually go through with it. If he loves her as he tells her he does, he won't.

Stay strong and don't be intimidated by his bolshy attitude and harsh words. Smile

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 21:48

thanks Glasto. I'm sure you are right. I will do all I can to make it ok. Just can't stop thinking that if I had kept quiet then ddi wouldn't have to go through this.
I guess this is what he is counting on. I have never hated anyone in my life like him. He made my life hell for so long and still the crap continues but then I knew it would.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2012 21:51

That is exactly what he wants.

I'm not sure in what logic paying the maintenance you're meant to = seeing less of the child Confused

CaptainVonTrapp · 12/05/2012 21:52

What a lowlife he sounds. No idea of his responsibilities. He will be billing you for petrol to pick her up from after school club next (on the basis of his deluded sense of what is fair). Sounds like he has an agenda. Call his bluff. Good Luck.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 22:13

captain he has said that he will no longer do any pick ups or drops either so you have his measure.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2012 22:22

So he's not going to his dd at all, he's not prepared to come and collect her for his weekends?

Do not back down, if he choses to not have contact that is not down to you it is all emotional blackmail.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 12/05/2012 23:27

random that is what he has said but i doubt he means it. like you say more emotional blackmail and scare tactics. He goes to extremes and knows that he can't get away with not picking dd up but he can try to intimidate me. He really will stick to the new contact arrangements as he has been very specific about dates etc.I know it's what he wants as he spoke about it before. he now has the excuse he has been looking for.

OP posts: