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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he have a point or do I? Aaaargh!!!

142 replies

peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:50

Due to a £200 a month drop in tax credits which I am gutted at (not sure how we will cope now), I have asked xh if he can assist with some expenses for dd. I get that he may not want to do this as he does pay maintenance (albeit a paltry amount). If he doesn't, dd will have to drop an activity and she doesn't do much as it is. This however, is not the main point as I do realise that she doesn't NEED this.

I currently pay for After School Club and have managed to get my need for it down to one session. Xh uses it 3 times a week so I have asked him if he could pay his way as he is the one using it (paying for his own sessions that is). He says categorically that he will not do this and if I try to get him to pay then he will reduce my maintenance payments accordingly.

I am so upset tonight. I have tried to explain to him that this is only for the benefit of our dd but he sees it as "subsidising" ME. He is such a complete nob and I can hardly bear to think about him (think two holidays a year for him).

He says that, if I took this to the CSA then I would be worse off again as they take into account the expenses he pays for her.

I am at a loss and have just had enough of being so broke and am livid at xh and the government and everything and everybody!!

DP has recently been made redundant and has a part-time job but desperately trying to find more work.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 16/05/2012 22:08

If you are still paying 40% of his childcare then that still isn't fair. Why should you?

If he was reasonable then you could agree to him paying you that extra 40% but he's not going to be because he's a controlling money grabbing arsehole.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 17/05/2012 16:49

Poopoo he won't negotiate at all. had a really shit day today and.burst into tears at work. things are tough with money and his constant games.

had an email from him giving a different version of contact. very complicated table that I don't understand. also dd told me today that he talked to her about it last night. he told her I had asked him to pay for ALL ASC costs. totally not true. i told her that dad may have got confused and put her right. she said "I didn't think that sounded like mum". she told him that if he didn't see her during the week that she would be like all the other kids who only see dad every two weeks. and still he sent me the email about dropping contact. I.am heartbroken on her behalf.what an utter twat

OP posts:
saggyhairyarse · 17/05/2012 17:10

My advice would be to call Child Maintenance Options and ask them :-)

RandomMess · 17/05/2012 18:01

All I can suggest is that you write to him something along the lines of

"Dd is very sad and upset that you will now only be seeing her alternate weekends etc. Dd is intelligent enough to understand that you claiming it is to do with the fact that you are obliged to pay x amount of child maintenance and pay for the ASC that you use is only an excuse to cut down on seeing her."

You will have to think long and hard and find out what your dd really does think is happening, does she think it's because of the marriage or ex can't be bothered etc - because whatever she thinks spell it out to him!

Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 20:25

Hi everyone. I really need to rant. After much soul searching and thinking of what's best for dd, I have proposed a really good compromise to xh which I think suits everyone.

Dp has agreed to collect dd from school on the Wednesday night and then xh an collect dd from home - therefore, no-one has to pay for ASC. Our place is at most 20 minutes from xh's house. I really thought that this was a good idea and would help everyone, BUT NO, I was wrong again.

Just heard back from him saying that I am changing contact arrangements and effectively cutting his contact and he will not let this happen, solicitors mentioned etc. WTF!? I genuinely didn't get it so text back politely asking him what he meant. It seems that me asking him to collect her from her home and not after school club means that he will have to battle through rush hour and will lose contact time with her. This is the same man who wants to drop contact to one weekend (one overnight) every fortnight from September.

Have I lost my mind? I feel like it - he is pissing well blocking every move I make to sort this out. I want to scream. What the hell am I going to do now?

He has asked me to read his email he just sent me but I can't face it. Just want to cry with all this pressure all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 20:26

No amount of reasoning with him works and never has. The most sanest of reasoning has no effect whatsoever - my frustration is massive and very upsetting now.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2012 20:29

Perhaps you should just ask him

"What is it you actually want in terms of a relationship with DD bearing in mind we need fixed contact and that I cannot afford to pay for ASC that I do not need"

Put the ball back in his court?

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 20:31

No amount of reasoning with him works and never has

Thats it isnt it?

Whatever you say or do will be met with this sort of crap.

Hes said about cutting contact but then tries to turn it back on you as if its you cutting his contact!

What a nightmare and no wonder he is your EX!

I think I would go through the CSA and keep all communication with him to a bare minimum [only about DD and dont get into prolonged dialogue with him]

What a prick

Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 20:39

Thanks Random, that is a very good question and I will give it one last shot before I sodding well give up for good.

Amber, you have got it in one. He spends all his time at the moment telling me he wants to cut contact and then turns it round that I am. It is a total nightmare.

He has just text me again and I can't face it anymore tonight (or any night). It's like living in a twilight world where everything is messed up when I deal with him. Can't face the email either.

shit I really hate him

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2012 20:45

You really need some emotional distance from him somehow.

Asking him what he wants makes him spell it out and then you decide whether you are able to accommodate what he wants. You can respond with "I am happy to agree with x y z, unfortunately I am not able to accommodate your request for a b c." Keep it very very brief and business like and ignore all else.

ifeelloved · 19/05/2012 20:51

You need to stop trying to be reasonable with him. Stop letting him bully you , go through csa, its his choice to stop the contact not yours, let him and your dd know that you are not changing the contact agreement you have to be strong for your dd and you. Yes your dd may get hurt but she will realise what and who he is in time to come.

I had a twat for a dad, thought we may have become reconciled a few years ago, but no his twatty behaviour came back so I no longer see him. My mum never bad mouthed him, though I think she had plenty of reasons to, my step dad is my dad, he may not be blood relative but he is far more family than my natural father will ever be.

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 20:51

You have to find a way to detatch and stay detached.

You only have to have very minimal dealings with him re contact with DD.

As you are no longer a couple he has zero influence on your life, really he has no say.

My EX was an arse, I have detached from him-yet sometimes occasionally if he tries to get me to engage with him more than I usually do I feel those horrible dragged down feelings coming back, its awful and I have to remind myself I dont have to put up with it!

Dont allow him to make you feel this way.

clam · 19/05/2012 20:58

You say that he and dd are very close. Are they? "Being close" implies a reciprocal relationship. If he is truly prepared to drop contact just to get at you, then I would question his commitment to her. Maybe it's more one-sided than you think.
Sad
Or he's calling your bluff. In which case, stick to your guns and let him get on with it.

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 21:02

Maybe it's more one-sided than you think

Yes that.

Telling her that you were trying to make him pay all the ASC fees! he shouldnt be saying anything about that sort of stuff to her at all-that sounds like emotional abuse.

NettleTea · 19/05/2012 21:04

he is sending over complicated charts and arrangements simply to confuse you.
if he is collecting DD from school one day instead of ASC is he not having extra contact that day - wouldnt that offset the slightly less time he has on the other day (If he is going to be really pedantic and claim having her in the car isnt 'contact' with her, which I guess he is)
As others have said, it wouldnt matter if you bent over backwards and delivered her gift wrapped at his door whenever he clicked his fingers, its not about seeing his daughter, its about controlling you and using her to do it.

I totally think you need to go through the csa and get the money side sorted. They will also know the rules and calculate according to his actual contact times.. then its up to him if he wants after school club or not. Give him the options of the days he always had. dont offer to collect her for him, or get your dp to do it. he has the days he always had. nothing has changed. its just now up to him to sort out any problems if he happens to be at work, same as you have to do the rest of the week. If he cant do it, or doesnt want to then, sad as it is for his daughter, tough shit on him.

Lueji · 19/05/2012 21:10

As everyone has been saying, stop negotiating.
Just to go the CSA and let him go to solicitors if he wants to.

He's the one causing all the contact problems. And refusing to contribute what is fair towards his own child.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:13

Yes I do need to stay detached. I manage it mostly but this stuff has really got to me.

The heading of his crazy chart was something along the lines of "proposal to meet demand of increased maintenance necessitating a drop in my contact" Eh??!!!!! At no point did I ever ask this.

Now he has just text me again to say that he would consider paying for ASC but not if I'm bullying and coercing him into it. (weep and sigh)

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:14

No more negotiating Lueji - no way.

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:15

He has also given very exact figures of his salary - much to my surprise - and it is actually higher than I expected!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2012 21:17

Urgh.

I really want to ask him why does him paying what he owes = seeing less of his dd.

It makes no sense, I just think it is emotional blackmail/trying to blame you for him wanting to drop contact.

Jux · 19/05/2012 21:21

He's using her, poor child.

Take a free half hour with a solicitor and show her/him all texts.

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 21:23

Dos he have a partner? that proposal heading sounds like it was for someone elses benefit to make you look like the bad guy.

clam · 19/05/2012 21:26

OK, this is doing your head in. How about a period of radio silence from you for a little while? Just blank him. Block his calls/texts/emails if you can, so you don't risk that lurch of your nerves when it dingles to say "you have mail" or whatever.
Get someone else to manage handovers/collections. Just give yourself a break from him.
And then see how you feel in a few days. But DO get going with the CSA.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:31

Yes Amber, he is getting married in September interestingly! I think it was for her benefit yes.

Clam, that is exactly what I am doing. He keeps texting me tonight and I am ignoring him completely. My nerves are shot. Can't cope with him at the moment.

OP posts:
clam · 19/05/2012 21:39

Then try to take the teensiest bit of pleasure that your silence is driving him MAD! Wink

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