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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he have a point or do I? Aaaargh!!!

142 replies

peedoffbird · 09/05/2012 20:50

Due to a £200 a month drop in tax credits which I am gutted at (not sure how we will cope now), I have asked xh if he can assist with some expenses for dd. I get that he may not want to do this as he does pay maintenance (albeit a paltry amount). If he doesn't, dd will have to drop an activity and she doesn't do much as it is. This however, is not the main point as I do realise that she doesn't NEED this.

I currently pay for After School Club and have managed to get my need for it down to one session. Xh uses it 3 times a week so I have asked him if he could pay his way as he is the one using it (paying for his own sessions that is). He says categorically that he will not do this and if I try to get him to pay then he will reduce my maintenance payments accordingly.

I am so upset tonight. I have tried to explain to him that this is only for the benefit of our dd but he sees it as "subsidising" ME. He is such a complete nob and I can hardly bear to think about him (think two holidays a year for him).

He says that, if I took this to the CSA then I would be worse off again as they take into account the expenses he pays for her.

I am at a loss and have just had enough of being so broke and am livid at xh and the government and everything and everybody!!

DP has recently been made redundant and has a part-time job but desperately trying to find more work.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2012 21:43
Grin

Send him a one liner "new wife = less contact"

Let him know that you're on to him Wink

In the meantime dignified radio silence sounds like the way to go.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:43

I hope so Clam! He won't like it. He is only happy when he is winding me up but I won't bite - just want a little bit of peace for the rest of the weekend.

God I feel sorry for his poor fiance! Poor cow!

OP posts:
Original poster
peedoffbird · 19/05/2012 21:44

That's a good one Random! I do think it's true. He is determined to drop contact no matter what I put in place and is contradicting himself at every turn.

OP posts:
Jux · 19/05/2012 21:46

But do keep copies of everything.

RandomMess · 19/05/2012 21:47

"Anyone would think with your impending marriage that you want to drop contact and blame me..."

and text it to his fiance by accident.

Oh I am so horrible at times.

It would be interesting if your dd has already but 2 + 2 together Sad

ifeelloved · 19/05/2012 23:41

Turn your phone off or at least to silent and hide it!

Original poster
peedoffbird · 20/05/2012 16:19

is anyone about? having an awful afternoon and in a state. Dp and I have had an awful row. him saying i don't care enough about him and I don't show him affection. I feel trapped in all this crap going on and none of it will stop. I want to disappear and escape from it all and I can't cope with this. I am so so angry and can't stop crying. Don't know what to do ti keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 20/05/2012 16:30

Oh you poor thing.

I dont think you can make everyone happy nor do I think you should have to.

Dont know what to suggest re your DP, but I wouldnt be surprised if all this EX malarky is having an effect on your general mood [which is fair enough]

Dont let that twat of an EX bring you down so much that it ruins other areas of your life.

Whats DP like usually? is he supportive?

RandomMess · 20/05/2012 16:34

Hugs to you.

Once you've calmed down a bit try and have a heart to heart with your dp tell him how much you want your ex having such a huge affect on you as it's not fair on any of you.

Radio silence for whilst you rally the emotional troops may well be the way forward.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 20/05/2012 16:40

thanks amber and random for your kind words. Dp is very supportive and he is struggling too
i feel i can't give anymore. so exhausted all the time. i probably have neglected Dp for a while to be fair. am feeling quite depressed at the moment and can't be bothered to do anything. am lying in bed mow. dd is with xh this weekend. thanks for listening to my crap. tomorrow i will get up and do it all again as usual. i always do.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 20/05/2012 17:09

Text DP, dont let the sun go down on an argument. I wont tell you what to say, but if you think he had a point then just say something to clear the air. dont let all this EX crap ruin it.

Run yourself a nice bubbly bath, I always feel better after that.

Lueji · 20/05/2012 18:02

These dramas can take a big toll on you. :(

Emotionally you may have been neglecting him, because it's a dynamic between you and ex.

Have you told him about your plans of not engaging and going to the CSA?

You do have to detach yourself from your ex's crap and just go to official channels.
Otherwise you'll go crazy.

midwife99 · 20/05/2012 18:12

Call his bluff. Stop paying after school club except on the day you use it. Tell them to give him a separate invoice. Put a claim into CSA & let them sort out the fair & correct maintenance. That way no more conversations with him re money. His expenses are his responsibility not yours.

midwife99 · 20/05/2012 18:15

Plus no more texting & emailing. Your DP needs to have your attention right now & ex is taking it.

Original poster
peedoffbird · 20/05/2012 18:15

I've just been asleep. that's all I want to do. have spoken to Dp and got angry because I can't deal with anything. feel do low. you are both right i need to sort this but don't feel like I can. I want to run away. Don't mean to sound so self indulgent. I have to be careful as I do suffer from depression and have done for years. poor Dp doesn't deserve this ay all. will text him again.

OP posts:
Jux · 20/05/2012 20:10

Have you seen a solicitor and shown them the texts? You get a free half hour. CAB can be helpful too. Get on to CSA.

If you can do those things you won't feel so alone in dealing with this, then you'll be able to relax a bit, which will help dp too, and then you're into a cycle where you're both dealing with things together, according to the professional advice you have.

It's exhausting trying to deal with all this, but you don't have to. Good luck.

NettleTea · 20/05/2012 22:11

have you shown your DP the texts and does he know whats going on?
My DP felt awful when I had all the shit with my ex - he didnt feel neglected but he so desperately wanted to help and not see me abused, but felt with it being about DD he didnt want to overstep the boundaries until one day after a phonecall I literally collapsed on the floor with stomach cramps of fear, after hanging up on another rant, and when ex phoned back DP took over, told him he wasnt to phone or text, only through the solicitor (who we had at this point) and that his behaviour was impacting on HIM and he wouldnt put up with it (he judged well that the ex wouldnt care about what his behaviour was doing to me or DD, but would be very very wary of taking on DP who he had always tried to be very matey around)
could that be a possibility? Would/could your DP put a stop to these texts/ridiculous conversations? It might make him feel a bit heroic and involved, he must be feeling a bit pushed out and probably cant bear to see this tosspot affecting you so badly.
You definately need to go the csa route though, stop all this pissing about with money, especially if he has new wifey on the horizon - it would be an easy time for him to say he cant afford as much and accuse you of being jealous or making trouble cos of his marriage.

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