A preying woman or I am being paranoid.

[lolaflores]

Have met this person through DD at school. Chatty what have you, but not going to make it into my top 10 favs ever. However of late, my DH has been full of talk about her. "suchabody said this, said that ,did this, did that". Yesterday was the last straw, we all went to a party and they spent the majority of time with each other to the point that i actually stood between them.
She has previously said to me that she is a man;s kinda woman and that all women are bitches! She has also remarked in front of me and my DH that if she divorced her DH, my DH would be her choice of partner.
AM I MENTAL.
He is either oblivious to my reaction, oblivious to her lurking but at the same time enjoying the attention or some other aspect of this I can';t work out. If I challenge him, I know he will say I am paranoid and I don't want this to have the oxygen of publlicity because it will then turn into nasty rumour and gossip, despite if its true or not.

You're not mental. She may or may not be predatory but the net effect is that she's obviously having a big impact on your DH. You don't have to challenge him... maybe draw his attention to the problem by making a joke of it... 'couldn't get a credit card between you and old Brassy Knickers at the party yesterday'. What you could also do is have a word with the woman herself. The old 'get your mitts off my man' speech still has weight.

I don't understand the idea of a "preying woman." If your DH gave her no attention she would just wander off and find someone else. It's not possible for a woman to steal a man or vice versa, both parties have to participate. If your DH is a faithful person then you have nothing to worry about.

I've had women make a play for my DH before but it doesn't bother me because he is polite but doesn't encourage them at all. What does your DH say about the whole thing?

Cogito, many thanks for your usual brand of clam wisdom. Does giving someone evils count? I directed arctic blasts at her the entire afternoon, so she backed off a bit. Besides which I am not the jealous type in honesty. He is a very attractive man and I myself am Samantha Brick but she has twanged a nerve with me that I didn't know existed.
Oh the thoughts of a get away from my man makes me feel a bit sick. How do you start that conversation?

She sounds like a PITA, and your DH is out of order, he could simply fancy her a littleand be enjoying the attention, or he could be "at risk" for an affair (with her or someone else). Do you trust him?

cailin to my shame I haven't spoken to him about it. I don't think she needs any encouragement. She spots him and is up his trouser leg but as you say he joins in as it were.

I wouldn't confront her, as cailin says, it's him you need to deal with.

No I wouldn't speak to this woman esp since it could backfire or add fuel to the fire.

Its your DH that you need to talk to - warn him about boundaries.

I would have said before this that I trust him but this has shaken that a bit. He is out of order isn't he and I do think he is fertile ground for a bit of hows your father away from the home. He will say I am paranoid.

I am with caiiln too. Both parties have to be interested for something to happen.

"Up his trouser leg" Is she a hamster?

Seriously though, I know it's annoying when you come across a woman like this but it's up to your DH and not you to manage the situation. If you don't like how he behaves with her, tell him and he should take that into account when she's around.

We turned up yesterday to the party. We couldn't find the way in to the hall. So as I was peering in windows and knocking on doors, I thought he was behind me but the two of them were wandering off in the opposite direction having a laugh and a chat.
Yeah, he doesn need a straightner

BTW if you do talk about it, I wouldn't imply that he's going to have an affair, I would approach it more along the lines of "When you drift off with her I feel left out and a bit jealous." Implying he's going to cheat will make him defensive. Saying exactly how it makes you feel will mean he can't belittle your feelings - that's how you feel and he needs to do something about it if he cares at all.

cailin she is more like a little ferret if I am being honest and without a hint of nastiness in there.

Why do you think your DH is ripe for an affair?

Accusations of paranoia would be unfair. You are understandably annoyed.

Most people would behorrified and concerned, and apologetic, if their partner told them their behaviour with / in talking about someone else had been inappropriate.

I think you have to listen to your gut on this one. I am not the jealous type either but when exH started talking too much about a woman from his past who he had met up with again it got my hackles up and I couldn't put my finger on why. Of course she was the one he eventually left me for. The woman in this case is obviously an outrageous flirt, yes your DH should not be encouraging her and, yes you should be able to trust him, but if you think there is something 'not right' then trust your spidey senses and speak up.

Id handle it with humour....

When DH mentions her, you could say "awww sweetie, do you have a little crush on old "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Susan? (insert real name)". She's a piece of work isnt she! Feel like I have to disinfect you after she's been all over you."

I had a friend like this, she took a real liking to my partner, it was possibly THE most entertaining thing that had happened to me in ages!

To put it delicately, she is not the most attractive, charming or intelligent of people (except in her own head) but she really thought she was on to something, she even grabbed my mate on a night out and exclaimed "i AM X's perfect woman", she also once asked him in front of me how much he would PAY to go out with her. My poor DP was terrified and I actually had to ditch her cos it was making him so uncomfortable but it was really bloody funny whilst it lasted.

I guess the difference is my DP did nothing to encourage it. I think you need to talk to your DH, you will hopefully find you have nothing to worry about.

The other woman sounds embarrassing really, attention-seeking, etc and I would just ignore her really in every way. Confronting her would be pointless to my mind, though I don't think there is any harm in saying something in the moment e.g. at the party "Could you PLEASE give me and my husband just one moment together!" (pointed smile).

However, it does sound like your husband is being disrespectful to you on some level. Or else he could be just enjoying a stupid flirtation and indulging in some attention-seeking himself.

Alternatively, she could be "rattling" your chains, because you have discovered some seed of insecurity about yourself that you are finding hard to deal with. The fact that you cannot "talk" to your partner about your feelings about this would suggest there is also something of this going on.

I just think its up to you to be the mature one here, somehow.

I would just be honest, say 'why are you going on and on about Barbara? anyone would think you liked her?' (obviously only do this if you don't normally do this all the time!)

I don't see subtlety is called for, if he doesn't like her, you'll know by the way he protests, if he does, equally it gives him a warning shot to be more careful.

My instincts are pure solid gold and very rarely let me down. The reason I think he is ripe for an affair is that he often says how unloved and appreciated he is around here and if someone was waving their knickers at him in a helpful way, I don't think it would take much for him to cave in.
Like that, if they want to they want to, nothing I can do will make any difference.

Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If an overfriendly man said if he ever got divorced you'd be his ideal partner infront of him how would he feel? He would laugh it off if he could see you didn't care. But if you looked like you were enjoying the attention he'd probably be a bit awkward too wouldn't he?

And I do know the type of woman you mean, we had one, a mum in the playground who used to blank me, but gushed all over my husband, including inviting him for coffee on his days with the children (but mysteriously not me, weird that). The difference was is that we used to laugh (gently) at her, and she was quite lonely and sad, I didn't really feel threatened by her and her six inch heel look in our rural town

My instincts are pure solid gold and very rarely let me down. The reason I think he is ripe for an affair is that he often says how unloved and appreciated he is around here and if someone was waving their knickers at him in a helpful way, I don't think it would take much for him to cave in.
Like that, if they want to they want to, nothing I can do will make any difference.

That does not sound good. Your instincts are obviously trying to tell you something and these may well be spot on.

I would still talk to him and keep a close eye on things. Many people who have affairs have to cross several lines/boundaries before finally going down the slippery slope into a full blown affair.