A preying woman or I am being paranoid.

[lolaflores]

Have met this person through DD at school. Chatty what have you, but not going to make it into my top 10 favs ever. However of late, my DH has been full of talk about her. "suchabody said this, said that ,did this, did that". Yesterday was the last straw, we all went to a party and they spent the majority of time with each other to the point that i actually stood between them.
She has previously said to me that she is a man;s kinda woman and that all women are bitches! She has also remarked in front of me and my DH that if she divorced her DH, my DH would be her choice of partner.
AM I MENTAL.
He is either oblivious to my reaction, oblivious to her lurking but at the same time enjoying the attention or some other aspect of this I can';t work out. If I challenge him, I know he will say I am paranoid and I don't want this to have the oxygen of publlicity because it will then turn into nasty rumour and gossip, despite if its true or not.

That sounds like a good place to start for us too. Some of it we already do but don't spend enough time alone

Tande you got it right when you said that your husband wasn't respecting you or investing in your relationship and so the efforts he's making to re invest and show respect for you and your relationship are the right things, as long as you realise that nothing you do (or did) could stop him from forming an inappropriate attachment to the colleague. He doesn't seem to have been honest about that which is I suspect why you're still troubled and confused. If he'd said to you that he was attracted to this colleague and had a near-miss, that would be believable and you could work with it. To pretend there was nothing happening though makes me think that somethings did happen, but he doesn't want to admit them.

If the only way you can keep a partner is by threatening them and telling everyone else to threaten them as well, you deserve to be dumped, because you are abusive. (Not directed at the OP, directed at the poster who got the whole family and the neighbours to gang up on her H after he talked to a woman at a party). And sooner or later, someone will come along and give your victim the strength to tell you to go fuck yourself.

So you mean me, SGB?

If so, DH was not threatened by anyone.

Perhaps 'bullied' is a more appropriate word than threatened KS. I still find it appalling that you feel entitled to get everyone to gang up on your partner like this for talking to someone else. Sooner or later people in relationships with controlling jealous bullies do dump them. And it serves them right because human beings are not property and everyone is entitled to leave one partner for another if they wish to.

Whatever SGB.

The situation was that the woman was sat on Katie's husbands knee and being outrageously flirtatious. Not just talking.
Solid go back and read the details
and then go and project your shite elsewhere dear heart

Whatever. Obsessive monogamists who think they can actually control other people's behaviour always do get dumped, and that's just as it should be.
As to you OP I still don't get why you are so keen to keep an unpleasant man?

Well it's been 18 years of very happy marriage SGB but feel free to extrapolate....

OBSESSIVE MONOGOMISTS! ecfuckingscuse me? If you call making vows to one another in front of family etc. obsessive then I am at a loss as to what to say to that one in all honesty. Monogomy is the flavour I enjoy my relationships to be. So sorry if you take a dim view of that as being obsessive or otherwise. It is the one I signed up for, knowingly as did he. No bullying necessary. Infidelity is a contravention of the T&C's as I know it. No you cannot stop someone, but you can be bloody angry about it, it is deceiption.
Well, you flounder around over there with all your anger and rage whilst I try to save my marriage.

Oh, I love SGB's little monogamy rants. Brighten my day up no end when she goes off on one just because some of us would prefer to not shag around, or be with someone who shags around.

Each to their own, and all that. (Unless you are SGB, when all must live in the way she decrees).

ach, I don't think sgb tries to tell us how to live, and I do see her point that you cannot force someone to be faithful by being a hard-balled bee-atch

she is misery-plopping all over MN at the moment though

I do like the term ecfuckingscuseme though...

I never tried to force DH to be faithful AF my lovely. His choice if he wanted to be with me.

I left him for being a lecherous, embarrasing, cock. While I was PG with his first child.

He can be as unfaithful if he likes in the future, I won't be around to care.

He chose to amend his behaviour. If he wanted a doormat, he should have stuck with his ex.

However, that was 16 years ago, so it's all a bit of a moot....

of course, katie, but it doesn't change the fact that sgb has a point

if someone wants to cheat, they will

and no end of strongarming yourself physically between him and other women, ice-cold glares of doom and looking to your own and other women's behaviour instead of his , will change that outcome

what will stop them is if they haven't already passed through a series of permission-giving behaviour already, a large part of which includes their own and others' blaming of "predatory women" for the juvenile behaviour of men who need to bask in, and encourage, the fawning glory of OW to feel good about themselves

other similar behaviour is selfishness, thoughtlessness, dismissiveness, belittling and arrogance

those are the red flags we should be looking out for...when we police the behaviour of other women we have our eye off the ball

I am talking generally now, btw

Well, AF her point was directed at me. Being a control freak who will get dumped, and all......

I never blamed the OW. I just ditched her as a friend. No scene, no fuss, she was not my issue.

Totally agree re OW blaming.

AF, there are women who like to go a hunting. They do exist. Men though are not averse to their attention is the other part of the story. I assumed that mine was impervious. So that was a learning curve. If he wants to I cannot stop him, in fact I would rather he did than sit around making everyone's life a fucking non stop misery fest.
But it hurts on such a profound level, that place that you thought was inviolate and a sanctus sanctorium (obsessive mono there no doubt) yet at the merest twitch of an eyelash he is snootling round someone like pig in truffles season. My own complacency then. Blaming my own naievety (whatevs)

I understand lola. Huge betrayal IMO.

lola, I didn't say that such women don't exist

like you say though (and a conclusion you seem to be increasingly coming around to, sadly) your H is telling you something here, and it's not something you want to hear

blaming yourself is wrong, btw

Sure is Katie darling. But I suppose I needed my rose tinted glasses adjusting perhaps jsut a hitch.
On the tv there used to be an advert about dogs sheep worrying. Pic of Rover asleep in front of the fire, butter wouldn't melt. Cut to Rover rampaging round a field of terrified sheep.
"Do you know where your dog is"
Cut to Rover looking awkward with a dead lamb hanging out of his blood soaked jaws.
Is it too much to draw a comparison here? Bit too far?

perhaps Rover needs his knackers removing

without anaesthetic

too much ?

back to seriousness again, lola, I don't rememeber the detail of your other threads and I won't do a search, but I do have a feeling you have posted about your less-than-lovely husband before

Nono, that would be controlling, jealous and bullying and he'd leave you for pastures new And you'd deserve it. Or summat....

Actually AF, posts that blame a partner for being justifiably angry about a partner's disrespectful behaviour are just another variety of women-blaming crap.

Lola you call it complacency but I would call it trust. I really would stop blaming yourself for things and start tackling the behaviour you're experiencing from your partner, because it's all linked.

I presume you are talking about sgb's posts and not mine, charbon ?

advising someone to examine their own behaviour and that of other womenless and a disrespectful male partner's more isn't women-blaming crap