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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A preying woman or I am being paranoid.

147 replies

lolaflores · 08/05/2012 10:48

Have met this person through DD at school. Chatty what have you, but not going to make it into my top 10 favs ever. However of late, my DH has been full of talk about her. "suchabody said this, said that ,did this, did that". Yesterday was the last straw, we all went to a party and they spent the majority of time with each other to the point that i actually stood between them.
She has previously said to me that she is a man;s kinda woman and that all women are bitches! She has also remarked in front of me and my DH that if she divorced her DH, my DH would be her choice of partner.
AM I MENTAL.
He is either oblivious to my reaction, oblivious to her lurking but at the same time enjoying the attention or some other aspect of this I can';t work out. If I challenge him, I know he will say I am paranoid and I don't want this to have the oxygen of publlicity because it will then turn into nasty rumour and gossip, despite if its true or not.

OP posts:

GoPoldark · 08/05/2012 11:39

I'd mix humour with a distinct air of being unimpressed.

'Do me a favour, I know it's entertaining but I had to watch THREE PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW sniggering at the sight of you being dribbled on by the Desperate Housewife the other day. It's REALLY embarrassing, I don't want you being known as the latest sap, I hear she has a long list of them. In addition, I don't like you so obviously enjoying the attention, it's actually quite insulting to me as well as making you look stupid, so pack it in, act like a normal person not a saddo, or next party I might find someone more attentive to me to spend time with.'

CailinDana · 08/05/2012 11:40

The unloved and unappreciated thing isn't a good sign. Does he have a point, or is he just being a bit of a dick when he says those things?

solidgoldbrass · 08/05/2012 11:44

Well, do you love and appreciate him? Is he being an unreasonable whinyarse about the fact that you are not sucking his cock enough, or are you in fact fed up with him anyway?
If you are fed up with him, why not let the other woman have him? It's not compulsory to hang on to a relationship that's not making either participant happy.

Kaluki · 08/05/2012 11:49

God don't warn her off - she will love that and think that she is a genuine threat!
Just roll your eyes at your DH when he starts on about her and make "here we go again, xxx does this xxx does that - do you have a crush or something"
BUT keep your eyes peeled - gut instincts should never be ignored (speaks from bitter experience!)
Maybe see this as a kickstart for your marriage - if you think he is ripe for an affair then do something about it.

Kaluki · 08/05/2012 11:51

When DP and I first met a woman like this came on to him at a party. She was very drunk and very full on.
He was terrified and wouldn't let me leave him alone with her!!!
I laughed my head off!!!
That is the reaction you should be having - not you feeling paranoid and him flattered!

amillionyears · 08/05/2012 11:54

I think you are right to be concerned.If he is saying he feels unloved, even when he has no reason to feel like that, that does not alter the fact that that is what he is currently feeling.Same goes for the feeling unappreciated.And you say he is often saying these things.
He is getting his head turned away from you.He is possibly trying to make you jealous, but it seems more than that.
Agree about not bothering to challenge her.Chances are, if it wasnt her, it might be someone else, eg at his work.At least this way you know who it currently is.And watch out if he keeps going out unexpectedly.

saulaboutme · 08/05/2012 11:55

I'm going to be blunt, this woman is after your man! Some woman do it and have done it. Parents in schools getting on too well. She knows what she's doing, what kind of thing is that to say re your DH is ideal for her??? and don't think she's not joking. Sorry but some women have to have what they want...I've been in this type of situation. My hubby is good looking and great body. Lots of mums have commented on him and I'm feel good he's MY man. on the other hand there have been the mums who will trip over their tongue and flirt with him. When it's happened I make sure I let them know a joke's a joke but don't push your luck...he's with me and unless you want me to embarress you...BACK OFF!!
I'd keep my distance but keep your eye on her. As for your hubby. Firm words that yes the boundries are being crossed.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/05/2012 11:56

She is obviously Madferrit.

MsMarple · 08/05/2012 11:57

For goodness sakes don't confront her about it - it will only make her think that she is in with a chance.

I'd have a word with DH if it happens again, but before then see if you can make him feel a bit more loved and appreciated.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/05/2012 11:59

She told you about her intentions early on in the friendship. She gave you fair warning as to what she is like.

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2012 12:02

Trust your instincts.

MarySA · 08/05/2012 12:02

There's is something to be said for finding the handsomest charmer yourself and cosying up to him. But I don't expect they are exactly thick on the ground. Not where I live in any case. Sorry if nobody approves of this!

allthequeensmen · 08/05/2012 12:08

Shes a female dog whistle: www.salihughes.com/articles/COSMOdogwhistle.pdf

deleting · 08/05/2012 12:11

I'd do whqt gopoldark said. That she tries it with all the dads and it's a bit of a joke among the other mums.

Helltotheno · 08/05/2012 12:23

OP firstly, decide what you would do if anything happened between them. Then rip the piss out of him mercilessly tease him gently about his 'admirer' while simultaneously leaving him in no doubt what the consequences will be if he plays away.

Do not engage with her on any level other than normal. There are always OWs, this is really down to your DH.

Otherwise, have you had a proper chat about what issues there are? In asking that, I don't think any issues between you are or would be any excuse for him to go off with someone else. I'm just asking in a general way because that should be discussed even if she wasn't on the scene.

Original poster

lolaflores · 08/05/2012 13:10

DH could have gold plated fanjo on the table every night and he would still complain. IT is his default setting, poor the me, no one cares about me. I could tell him I love him till the cows come home, I get a smart quip and the brush off. I no longer know what he wants.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 08/05/2012 14:28

Well then... maybe preying lady is doing you a favour?

Berts · 08/05/2012 15:17

I think this silly tart is the least of your worries - she's just what's articulated them in your mind.

The big problem is that you OH keeps telling you "how unloved and appreciated he is around here." He's not exactly giving you mixed messages, or double meanings. He's telling you very clearly how he feels.

Whether or not he's justified in feeling unloved is something I can't tell, having met neither of you, but he's definitely feeling a lack of connection and it seems that so are you.

So, two choices: let your marriage continue to fester and drift onto the rocks, eventually to end; or start the hard work of rediscovering your relationship with him, possibly with the help of trained counsellors...

seeker · 08/05/2012 15:19

Yeah- he's obviously oblivious.

Looksgoodingravy · 08/05/2012 15:37

Go with your gut instinct, I wish I had followed mine up more last year when dp was having cosy texts with two other old school 'friends' which did lead on to other things, there's is something to be said for a woman's intuition, trust it and try and sort this out before it escalates.

Looksgoodingravy · 08/05/2012 15:37

amillionyears · 08/05/2012 15:38

lolaflores, how do you feel about him?

Looksgoodingravy · 08/05/2012 15:38

Oops sorry for the rubbish grammar, rushing due to being at work.

Looksgoodingravy · 08/05/2012 15:38

Oops sorry for the rubbish grammar, rushing due to being at work.

CrispyCod · 08/05/2012 15:43

Where is her husband on these occasions? Is he there but mingling with the crowd himself?

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