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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A preying woman or I am being paranoid.

147 replies

lolaflores · 08/05/2012 10:48

Have met this person through DD at school. Chatty what have you, but not going to make it into my top 10 favs ever. However of late, my DH has been full of talk about her. "suchabody said this, said that ,did this, did that". Yesterday was the last straw, we all went to a party and they spent the majority of time with each other to the point that i actually stood between them.
She has previously said to me that she is a man;s kinda woman and that all women are bitches! She has also remarked in front of me and my DH that if she divorced her DH, my DH would be her choice of partner.
AM I MENTAL.
He is either oblivious to my reaction, oblivious to her lurking but at the same time enjoying the attention or some other aspect of this I can';t work out. If I challenge him, I know he will say I am paranoid and I don't want this to have the oxygen of publlicity because it will then turn into nasty rumour and gossip, despite if its true or not.

OP posts:
mampam · 09/05/2012 11:02

I think the moral of the story is to always go with your gut instinct and trust it. OP there's something about this woman that makes you feel uneasy, keep an eye out and don't let down your guard.

VodkaJelly · 09/05/2012 11:04

I always truct my instinct, it has never let me down

VodkaJelly · 09/05/2012 11:04

*trust even

mampam · 09/05/2012 11:06

That's the one thing I will thankfully take from my experience of exH and OW. I will always trust my gut instinct.

Charbon · 09/05/2012 11:23

I've read this thread all in one go and I think there is way too much emphasis on the other woman's behaviour in the OP's scenario - and not on the man's.

I've no idea why it's comforting to think that men are hapless targets for predatory women and that they don't realise when someone is coming on to them, but what I do know is - it's not the truth. And believing this fantasy about men being clueless and stupid means acknowledging that you're partnered with a rather dim-witted individual who cannot read social cues like everyone else.

Predatory people pose no risk to people whose boundaries are strong and who respect their partners. The predator's behaviour is of course blameworthy, but it should attract only pity, not anger. If there is anger, it is displaced because this comes from the fear that the husband will respond to the woman's overtures.

It's revealing therefore Lola that you've focused on the non-issue of this woman's behaviour, but not the real elephant in the room which is your husband's behaviour and treatment of you. I think other posters are wise to point out that it's possible your husband is already having an affair. That also ties in with what happened with the school mum because when people are having affairs, they give out 'signals' to others that they are attractive and available. People report a similar phenomenon when they are in love - all of a sudden other people become interested and it's a bit like the 'bus principle' - suitors arrive all at once.

What's happening is that the suitors are responding to the pheremones, confidence and 'alive' feelings in a person who is enjoying the headiness of a new relationship.

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 11:41

I still think you need to bite the bullet and talk to him about his "unhappiness" - as Katie has highlighted in her post, its him who should be the focus and not this woman.

Looksgoodingravy · 09/05/2012 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 12:10

"she said in front of alot of people that if she divorced her DH my DHwould be her next in line. "

She is not only telling you something about your husbands emotional availability, she is also deeply insulting your husband, and your marriage....

Charbon makes good points!

Lueji · 09/05/2012 12:12

It depends, I think.

A predatory person (man or woman) may well insidiously keep a partner out, and start creating intimate moments that may well lead someone to "fall in love" with the predator.
In somewhat the same way that abusive partners initially win over someone's heart.
Some people are natural people manipulators.

I think you did well to point it out to him, lolaflores. If he falls in the "trap" now it will be his fault alone.

BTW, you should probably pity the woman. She may well have low self esteem in reality (or a bad marriage) and need to feel wanted by men.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 12:16

Charbon, I did point out that I would not fall for the me man me thick scenario. When I am angry with her, it is a sense of betrayal at the hands of another woman that is getting to me the most. I also challenged his behaviour rather than track down the woman and beat the living shit out of her. I asked for an expklanation from him. If he is already having an affair he has now had a warning shot across the bows that my dander is well and truly up.
If anything is was both of their behaviours that wound me up, not just hers. her blatant come on to him right under my nose is not an non-issue apart from being extremley bad manners however, I will not go toe to toe with her, I cornered him.
If he continues with his new found headiness etc. he is now fully aware of the outcomes of it should he wish to forge on. His unhappiness is an issue under constant scrutiny from us both, however, it is only within his power to do fuck all about it.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 12:19

My ex-friend went on to appropriate someone elses husband, they are married now. I sometimes wonder how secure she feels, knowing how they "got together".

tande · 09/05/2012 12:24

Hi lola, I'm in a similar situation to you, I understand exactly how you feel. DH had been distant, moody & generally not communicative for about 6 months last year. Thought it was due to other factors (was lots of stressful stuff at work, family etc) until I went out for dinner with him & some work colleagues in January (I invited myself). There was one girl he'd been working with closely. They were chatting together exclusively and so physically close they could almost have been arm in arm as we walked to the restaurant. As we got inside, I actually had to put myself in between them, so that they wouldn't end up sitting together. As soon as we got home I asked if they were having an affair, he categorically denied it, said they were good friends. A few days later I sat him down for a proper talk and asked him if he wanted to continue the relationship (been together 20+ years, 2 kids). He said he did, family was important to him etc. So we've done lots of talking & working on improving the relationship which was helped. But he had been really unhappy, not talked about things etc. Sorry for the long essay, but essentially I wanted to say that if you are not happy, you should talk to him to find out how he feels. If he is feeling unloved, get him to explain why he feels that way and talk honestly about what you want. And tell him you love him - maybe he's feeling insecure.

I'm still struggling to work out what's going on in my situation btw!

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 12:31

tande thank you so much for your post and well done you for fighting for you marriage. You are a very brave person indeed and practical to boot.

I got between them at another event (our dd's birthday party) but it didn't do much to slow her down, she seemed oblivious to the signal I was giving

. How do you get someone to realise that they are truly and totally loved when their self esteem has been systematically thrashed out of them by an arsehole parent?
If he could love himself a bit more things maybe easier.
What steps did you guys take to improve things?
We are going out together soon, something we have neglected of late, mostly my fault as (well a litany of issues too tedious to go into).

OP posts:
Charbon · 09/05/2012 12:46

Might be worth starting your own thread tande as I'd have a very good guess about what's going on in your situation and all the talking and improving your relationship are completely pointless activities as long as there are secrets and lies about this other relationship.

Lola, you said you were 'scared' of confronting the real behaviour that's behind this episode. You've got every right to be angry with his behaviour and also the other woman's but I do think you need to challenge this idea that women should behave better to one another because often I think what's at the root of that belief is that men cannot help but respond to a woman's overtures, so women shouldn't make them. The point is that this woman is no different to a predatory bloke who'd chanced his arm with you as a married woman. If you flirted back and responded then it would be your behaviour that was a threat to your husband, not the chancer's. And when you reverse the sexes, predatory men are often let off the hook by men and women e.g. 'you can't blame a bloke for trying' whereas people seem to expect a higher standard of behaviour in women. Predatory behaviour in either sex is bad manners and very disrespectful, but it shouldn't be threatening if the target's boundaries are secure and there is respect for a partner.

So it's your husband's respect and treatment of you that is the issue and is what you say you're scared to confront.

Triffiddealer · 09/05/2012 12:51

Lola

It strikes me that you are doing an awful lot of worrying about your husband and making huge efforts to support and understand him. He in the meantime is flirting with another woman.

I am wondering who is there to support and care for you and make you feel special? Or is it a one way street?

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 12:58

Charbon I do put women on a pedestal which they may not have an automatic right to. However, I do think he can help himself in responding to her overtures. Which was the point I put to him. Put yourself beyond her orbit or politely give her the brush off. Personally, I think he should be more blunt with her.
triffiddealer fair point. I discussed this yesterday with a good friend and she has been wonderful. your question about one way streets is a bit close to the bone and if I am honest with myself.....?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 13:02

Lookinggood - I think you should also start your own thread as you need a lot of support from us...

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 13:07

lola - I agree your DH's issues are for him to sort out. He needs to look at his own issues and the best way to do this is for him to see a counsellor.

I also think you should be looking at how much he is investing in the marriage.

Looksgoodingravy · 09/05/2012 13:09

You're right MadAbout, I've got lots to get off my chest.

Looksgoodingravy · 09/05/2012 13:09

You're right MadAbout, I've got lots to get off my chest.

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 13:15

Looksgood - will look out for your thread :)

lucyellensmumnamechange · 09/05/2012 13:21

I would ask her to stop making a fool of herself and chasing your DH, tell her he is embarrased by her attention and point out that other people have noticed it too and think she is behaving a little bit desperate (even if its not true). I would have no qualms in doing this.

Triffiddealer · 09/05/2012 13:30

That's sad Lola

Does he know how unloved and unsupported you feel?

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 13:34

I have told him but I don't think it has registered with him at a profound level. He takes it as criticism and gets defensive, DEEP SIGH,

OP posts:
tande · 09/05/2012 13:52

Charbon - yes you are right, I probably should start a thread, i've been lurking on here trying to get some answers from other people's experiences. your advice is always excellent

Lola- I agree it's about him, not her. The fact that you two didn't just laugh it off is a bit of a concern. What upset me most in my situation was that it made me realise DH was lacking respect for me, he was not investing in our relationship. Things that we've done:

  • go out together regularly with friends, alone, to cinema, exhibitions etc
  • talk / email during the day
  • he comes home earlier & helps with bedtime
  • he calls me to say when he's coming home (he didn't used to & it drove me mad)
  • we are more affectionate with eachother, kiss, hugs hold hands etc
  • spend friday nights together
  • talk to each other each night about our day

I told DH he had to back off from this work colleague as I it was important to me & even if he said nothing was there, I felt uneasy about it. As far as I can tell he has done this. (I have access to his email and phone so have checked).