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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A preying woman or I am being paranoid.

147 replies

lolaflores · 08/05/2012 10:48

Have met this person through DD at school. Chatty what have you, but not going to make it into my top 10 favs ever. However of late, my DH has been full of talk about her. "suchabody said this, said that ,did this, did that". Yesterday was the last straw, we all went to a party and they spent the majority of time with each other to the point that i actually stood between them.
She has previously said to me that she is a man;s kinda woman and that all women are bitches! She has also remarked in front of me and my DH that if she divorced her DH, my DH would be her choice of partner.
AM I MENTAL.
He is either oblivious to my reaction, oblivious to her lurking but at the same time enjoying the attention or some other aspect of this I can';t work out. If I challenge him, I know he will say I am paranoid and I don't want this to have the oxygen of publlicity because it will then turn into nasty rumour and gossip, despite if its true or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 08/05/2012 15:49

No her husband is not about alot of the time.
How doI feel about my husband? Good question. i adore him most of the time, but don't seem to be able to make him happy on any level. His bad moods scares me and I don't feel specialy relaxed with him these days. I get the feeling he would be happier elsewhere.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 08/05/2012 15:54

When was the last time you both were happy? Since when did he become distant and moody?

Original poster
lolaflores · 08/05/2012 16:06

The last six months have been noticeable in his crankiness. I have challenged him on it but ws told it was work stress. He is not a person to be open, gets defensive and makes it all very uphill work. don;t know if i care anyumore

OP posts:
clam · 08/05/2012 16:12

"You're being paranoid" Angry The subtext to that is "shut up, leave me alone and let me do what the hell I like."
I would tell him that, regardless of what he thinks, his behaviour at the party embarrassed and humiliated you and you don't want a repeat of it.

SeventhEverything · 08/05/2012 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/05/2012 16:17

I have a bad feeling about this - I would be prepared for the possibility that he is having an affair (whether its with this friend or someone else).

The crankiness is a vicious circle - he gets grumpy, you react and he becomes more distant/moody. This is very common when people start having affairs - they check out of their primary relationship emotionally and become attached to another person Sad

Because he is calling you paranoid and refusing to talk openly, you need to do some snooping - mobiles, emails and laptop (check the car for a 2nd mobile).

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 16:24

'Do me a favour, I know it's entertaining but I had to watch THREE PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW sniggering at the sight of you being dribbled on by the Desperate Housewife the other day. It's REALLY embarrassing, I don't want you being known as the latest sap, I hear she has a long list of them. In addition, I don't like you so obviously enjoying the attention, it's actually quite insulting to me as well as making you look stupid, so pack it in, act like a normal person not a saddo, or next party I might find someone more attentive to me to spend time with.'

I like that.

As for your husband being unhappy Sad

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 16:37

"you're being paranoid"

that's near the top of the index in the section of the "Cheater's Handbook" that details how to get your nagging partner to STFU

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 16:41

I agree with AF. If he honestly felt his behaviour was acceptable he would be concerned that you were upset about it rather than defensive. He would reassure you and stop allowing her to flirt with him.

He sounds like an insecure man and I think insecure men are an easy target for a woman like her.

Sassybeast · 08/05/2012 17:21

Does the 6 months of crankiness correlate with the time that you met this woman?

solidgoldbrass · 08/05/2012 18:29

If you're scared of this man and all he does is complain, FFS just let her have him, he doesn't sound worth keeping. Ok, you could perhaps sit him down for a chat about how to improve your marriage, but do bear in mind that a marriage can only be improved if both partners are prepared to put the effort in. If someone is checking out of a relationship, the only sane thing to do is let that person go. Begging, crying and making threats to 'rivals' not only makes you look stupid, it never works because people are not property and, frankly, everyone is entitled to leave a relationship: it's just that people should do so clearly, decisively and as kindly as possible.

Dozer · 08/05/2012 18:38

He doesn't sound like he's being good to you in general Sad

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 07:37

Well, had a talk last night. he had no idea etc. but he said, she is the only mum that will speak to me at the school gates.
There is a reason for that. No one wants to look like they are hitting on someone elses husband.
Oh.
Oh indeed.
I told what I had seen and how it made me feel and he apologised and said that he would give a wide berth to her in future.Specially when I pointed out that it wasn't a case of everyone in a group chatting, it was them two alone. He doesn't see himself as a possible target, but thats by the by.
I feel better for saying it and now don't feel paranoid, I put my case calmly and firmly.
solidgoldbrass would that life were that easy and the human heart that simple there would be a lot less unhappiness in this world. Unfortunately, it isn;t so really your comment is neither insightful nor useful, more of a wish list and a bit patronizing if I am being honest,.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 09/05/2012 08:02

Glad you had a talk, and interesting that she is the only mum that will talk to him!It so leaves the field wide open for her to hook into men at the school gate.
You can see how he ended up talking with her.
Actually that is a difficult situation for him, if nobody speaks to him at the school gate.
Seeing things from the mans perspective is interesting.
Glad you got it sorted.

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 08:30

Well done for bringing this up.

Did you also talk about his unhappiness/moods?

mampam · 09/05/2012 09:26

I once had the exact same thing happen to me. The woman was a friend of a friend, I didn't like her right from the start as she always seemed to latch on to married men or men in long term relationships. She started latching on to my H, just the two of them talking together for ages when we were in a big group. We once went to a race evening at a pub with friends and he ignored me all night in favour of her.
Needless to say they went on to have an affair, H and I divorced and now he's married to her!

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 09:42

mampam what a fucking shit thing to happen to you. This is what she did at the party on Sunday. cosy little twosome no one else chatting to them in a big group so it just looks sort of normal. I should like to quote my Mum on the above persons behaviour
"Tis like a dog that bites. Once is never the end. They get a taste for it"
Hope they are deeply mistrustful of each other.

We didn't talk about his moods and general air of unhappy. Bit scared of asking. He starts a new job in a few weeks and am hoping that sorts out some of the arsiness. If not then we need another look at it.
I am glad I brought it up because the more I harboured my deepest darkest thoughts the worse they became. His reaction was a relief in fairness, the look of shock on his face followed by "seriously"? he claimed to be oblivious and so far I am trusting him on that. I don't fall for the "me man me thick, you women too touchy" bit but he could see the boundaries of courtesy being pole vaulted by her and will remain at a polite distance instead.

I'll be checking though!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 10:10

I used to have a friend who said what she did and acted worse. She actually sat on his knee on a night out while declaiming how he was her perfect man. I said nothing and went home, leaving them to it.

Never said one word to her but dropped her like a ton of bricks. DH on the other hand went through a world of pain for disrespecting me. He is very aware now of what level of flirting is acceptable.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 10:16

she said in front of alot of people that if she divorced her DH my DHwould be her next in line.
THE EPIC FUCKING CHEEK?
Glad your DH got the message though Katie.
I think Madamoseille from Armetiers has got the message via some very icy stares and monosylabic responses to her greetings.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 10:23

lola

I left him that night, moved in with my PILS who went ballistic and sent down his father to have stern words, then she had even sterner words, then he had to endure my sternest words. As most of our friends were witness to his crassness, none of them were in his corner either, he was slated by one and all. I was heavily PG with first grandchild at the time which may have influenced my hormones.........

His entire world knew about his crapness, he was very ashamed.

Oddly enough, he's never done anything like that again, 16 years and counting... Wink

Looksgoodingravy · 09/05/2012 10:33

Glad you've been able to talk to your dh about this, I so wish that I had followed through with my instincts last year but then again I was told that my fears were unfounded, in dp case it wasn't the school gate but old school friends from facebook and texts which lead on to the infidelities, the final witch in our triangle went full out for my dp and she got what she wanted...makes me so angry but still I'm only a month into finding out and we are trying to work through it.

Looksgoodingravy · 09/05/2012 10:33

Glad you've been able to talk to your dh about this, I so wish that I had followed through with my instincts last year but then again I was told that my fears were unfounded, in dp case it wasn't the school gate but old school friends from facebook and texts which lead on to the infidelities, the final witch in our triangle went full out for my dp and she got what she wanted...makes me so angry but still I'm only a month into finding out and we are trying to work through it.

Original poster
lolaflores · 09/05/2012 10:45

katie fair play to you for rolling out the big guns. what in hells name did he think was going on just out of interest.?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 10:52

Initially

He said he was drunk - no excuse dear
He said she was only joking - I don't think so darling
He said he never reciprocated - No dear, allowing yourself to be mauled is reciprocating.
He said that I should have said something to him at the time - No dear, I am not your effing keeper

Later

He was very, oh so very sorry, totally agreed he was out of order, vowed NEVER EVER to disrespect me in any way ever again. I pointed out that he would have been none to pleased had I ever behaved in a similar manner, he blanched and agreed even more. He never, ever wanted to be around said ex-friend again, which I was happy to facilitate Grin. Eventually I agreed to remain his wife....

VodkaJelly · 09/05/2012 11:01

Glad you managed to sort things out Lolaflores and managed to voice your concerns to him. I think sometimes men dont realise how it looks to other people. My DP has a male friend who was married. We all had the same hobby and that included a website.

I realised early on that the friends wife was making a play for DP, but as it was all done on the website it was out in the open so my DP didnt see any harm in it. The was a fuckton of flirting from her and then it changed to little digs about me and DP just carried on. It all came to a head and I made him choose between flirting with her or me. Luckily at this time DP and the friend fell out (about something totally different) so that put a stop to it. DP was adamant that it was innocent and open for everyone to see.

A few months later the wife left the husband for another man who was also involved with the hobby and website. The husband posted that she has left him but didnt say who, and my DP was shocked/annoyed/suprised/alarmed when everybody pointed the finger at him.

He finally realised what I was trying to tell him, HE might have thought it was innocent and fun but EVERYONE else saw something different.