How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

hatesponge, erm, isn't that kind of the point? You are attracting the wrong type of guys and/or not getting second dates.

I think thinking wider in terms of who may be a good fit with you, a lawyer is going to fit well with someone clever but perhaps also professionally successful, you seem determined to find a diamond in the rough, but realistically, there may not be many rough diamonds with an IQ of 160 who want to date a lawyer long-term, just saying.

I suppose what I'm saying is none of my relationships (even before the last 4 years of crap dating) were ever with guys in office type jobs. I've never been a serious 'intellectual' type of person, I'm a party girl who likes football and reality TV, so as much as I'm not looking for those guys, they're mostly not looking for me either.

The kind of man you are looking for is not lurking on that site. If he's a practical, gregarious sort he's more likely to be out and about doing. What about meetup?

The pictures: lots of assorted jewellery including big hooped earrings, tumble down hair, doe/bedroom eyes, look down your cleavage angle shot. There has to be more facets to you than this. Your sultriness ought to be the woah surprise on the date.

Instead the picture could show: one or two signature pieces of jewellery, discrete(r) earrings, hair down in one shot, chignon in other, higher necked top, level gaze at the camera to suggest directness and honesty.

Look at some of the lexical field: feisty (=hard work/argumentative), the cold side of the pillow (=sex), stupidly high shoes, TOWIE (stupid and Towie are not adjectives you want attributed to you), Sunday roast :) (=group sex) , unpredictable (=hard work/erratic)

As a lawyer, you must be a skilled-wordsmith, and thus able to describe yourself in a more warm and welcoming way, but still conveying the zest of your personality.

As an idea, why not have a look at other women's profiles and find ones that you'd date? Then steal adapt their ideas.

hatesponge, it's up to you, but I think you need to look at why you define yourself as you do. I'm a clever girl who also likes reality TV, but I wouldn't look for a guy who defined himself in that way, I partied all the way through my twenties, it's possible to be both clever and attractive and I just wonder what type of guy you are trying to attract.

I may be completely wrong, and I certainly don't mean this in a horrible way, I spent years of my life trying to pretend I wasn't that clever really and playing up my conventionally attractive appearance, and do you know what, I attracted lots of quite shallow guys who weren't after much more than that.

You have masses going for you, but I do think you need to be honest with what you really really want (picking guys you can't connect with intellectually or who are going to be intimidated by dating a female lawyer may be one way of continuing to be quite distant) and what type of person you want, sweeping statements like 'I don't fancy office types' are just limiting you massively, especially as the type you think you like isn't actually after the same things as you, which is why these dates aren't working out.

I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended (I see myself in you, I had massive difficulty moving to second dates, I didn't like anyone and my friends were despairing!) You've been massively game by putting up your profile and listening to the constructive criticism, maybe sort through it with a friend and change a few things/try new types of men, might work!

Mumsy I do want a man who is my equal, I've been cleverer than men before and it doesn't go well (see my post about my abusive Ex). So I know dating men who aren't that bright doesn't work.

BUT I don't often attract clever men. The last 2 men who were my equal went as follows: went on a date with one, said he wanted to see me again. No sex, not even any kissing. Lots of texts. Dates discussed but no firm arrangements ever made by him, instead he has bootycalled me late night (unsuccessfully).

Other man I knew through work. He told several people he really liked me, thought I was gorgeous, clever funny etc. Had a snog after an office party, he took my number. A few days later said he was scared of getting involved, but we would go on a date sometime. Never happened, he met someone else a few months later and married her 6 months after that.

So I do try with clever men, but those are the only ones I've met in 4 years of attempted dating.

Just to add this evening having removed all photos of my cleavage, I have had 2 messages.

The first one said 'yum'

The second one said 'sexy' (ditto the above)

Worse if anything to the ones I got when the cleavage was there!

So, the truth is that you've only met two men who are actually your equal in the four years (see, I knew you were doing yourself down). You need to change where you are looking then, to find more like this, and by being persistent, you'll get there (their behaviour is pretty normal, you just need to date more of the more suitable people). I am not sure where they hang out now as I'm a bit out of the current dating game, you've had loads of suggestions on here already, I did go on a blind date from Soulmates once!

You have also established what lots of us said, which is that there are men trawling this site for all the wrong reasons, saying things like 'yum' and 'sexy' instead of starting proper conversations. What are the chances these men are looking to establish longterm relationships?

Sorry, but FashionEaster is right, you are on the wrong site.

ditch the third photo, it is crap, and does you no justice, and to be honest, ditch the red dress one too, unless you want men who think you are just a bit of a lush...

the first photo is lovely and I would just leave it at that..

I would definately say use the fee paying sites, as you do get a much better selection of decent blokes, not just ones after a shag...

I have 3 friends who met their wives on eHarmony, so if you havent tried that site, maybe that would have better results..

POF is a bit shit, but of the free sites it's the best (which doesn't say a lot for the others!)

I guess the question is - given it seems unlikely I'll meet a man like it on POF - whether the sort of man I need to meet is on paying sites, and which ones?...I can rule out Match. EHarmony I got no matches and Soulmates seems to have nothing suitable in my area.

You're a lawyer from a working class background and you think most other (male) lawyers are boring twats, so within your circle you have become accustomed to emphasising that which distinguishes you from most other lawyers; i.e. liking TOWIE, going out on the lash, etc. But I'm guessing that on POF you don't need to emphasise how down to earth you are, rather, you need to indicate the other important parts of who you are, that within your usual circle are a given: that you're smart, hardworking, like to discuss big ideas.

And I agree that the red dress shot is not flattering. The first BW one is really lovely.

I would honestly say you are wasting your time on free sites.

The type of bloke that you are looking for is also going to be hard to find on a dating site I would say. Available men in the 35-45 age group (which is what I guess you are looking for) are pretty thin on the ground, and the ones that are single are usually that way for good reason...

I do think that the background and career of the man you want is also going to be at odds with the job that you do... a lot of men may feel a bit intimidated by a high powered career woman, unless they are in a similar type of role themselves.

I wonder if your "over confidence" scares them off a bit..

You say you like football and reality tv, but what about music? that is usually a great common denominator and also a perfect way to go on a date, ie go to see a gig, and living in London there is always something on to go see.

Theregoes: you're right. I have got used to emphasising my 'differentness' (for want of a better made up word!) from other lawyers, I can see though perhaps I should make less of it on POF. I've taken off the reality TV & alcohol stuff, even though I do think I sound a bit boring now!

Squeaky: possibly my overconfidence does scare men off, but I don't know what I can do about that really. I do love music, but not sure much of the stuff I like would be a common denominator tbh!

Have you thought about taking up a hobby of some sort that you'd find interesting? Perhaps there would be a man there who you could meet?

It's really interesting; I know someone in a very similar situation. She wants to settle down (has two young children), but always gets attracted to 'cool' 'pubby' 'slightly on the edge of the law' types (i.e. not adverse to taking the odd drug, etc.) She is then totally baffled when they turn out to be unreliable wasters who are quite happy to, err, go to the pub & have sex, but won't commit to responsibilities. Meanwhile, the'boy next door' who is clearly infatuated with her, bends over backwards to help her, etc., doesn't get a look in, because he's 'not her type'

Sometimes it's good to know what you're looking for.Other times it's important to realise that you're looking for the wrong thing. Or, that you are looking for the right thing, but sending the wrong message.

By the way, I'd suggest that your relationship with your ex had nothing to do with your relative IQs. Your ex abused you because he wasn't a good man. I am quite significantly more intelligent than my DH of ten years. He has never come close to abusing me in any way.

Pof does sound pretty dreggy. Why not take up your friend's birthday offer and have a go on the other site?

Somewhere on this thread you said your dad was from some sort of working class background.Do you feel that that is where your roots are really.Would you be at all interested in dating men from this type of background?Maybe the brightest men that do that type of work.Id say there are bright men in every industry, not just the obvious law, medicine,writers etc.
Is that the type of background that is really your true self.And that is why lawyers and men working at desks does not appeal to you?

im sorry, but i have to say im a little baffled at how this seems to have turned into a class divide dating thing. most of you seem to be saying ' middle class' men wouldnt be just after sex, and ' working class' men would and thats why shes having these issues.

thats kind of outrageous :)

I have know plenty of terribly middle class men who turn out to be utter perverts, but who just lie and scheme to get you into bed, you know, own house, nice car, manners, cultured, middle management. All fuckwits.

It really doesnt work like that.

And i think how sponge has taken on board what has been said and has changed her profile, only to get ' yum' and ' sexy' demonstrates exactly what its like online dating.

Thats not being negative before i get lamblasted again, its just experience. I had a quick look at myach in my area again just now. again, most of them are on pof.

A man who does get the Keatsian reference of your name is going to assume one night of passion in your 'elfin grot' and then abandoned like all the other men in the poem. LBDSM works on MN, but possibly men are looking for your dungeon.

Another angle- I think you would gain a lot from a session with The Dating Coach- a psychologist who helps people like you. Google her if you want to know more.

Another point is that do have a closed mind set when it comes to the type of man you want. Why?

Also the options on POF are not just dating ot relationships- you can also tick hang out and there's another option as well.

The bottom line is- if you want men to behave differently and attract a different type, then you have to change your behaviour.

This might mean:

*Change of profile and pics
*Change of dating sites to more up market

• Changing closed mind set to the men you want to see. *Change of closed mind set on when you can see anyone- it should be possible to get out 1 night a week- if you can't then you need some help with work-life balance, around childcare of course. *Change of behaviour on dates as something you are doing is putting men off. *Get out and about and make freinds in other ways- dating sites are just one way to meet men. I know women who are equally as busy as you , and single mums, who have met men scuba diving, playing tennis, volunteering for the Samaritans, etc etc.

It would be interesting to see if you have 2nd dates after a profile and pic change. I suspect the reason you have not had 2nd dates is that your profile & pics suggested one thing- and we have now all established whaat that was!- and your behaviour was something different- mainly.

I don't agree with the poster who said that you should be a good wordsmith because you are a lawyer. Unless you are a barrister- which I think you aren't- then many lawyers are pretty crap with language as they work with jargon a lot.

I think hatesponge has done a great job in taking on board what people have been saying on here.And changed stuff in a very short period of time.And put up with a lot of stuff we have all said extremely well.
Does she have a closed mind set to the men she wants to see?Not sure about that, im not sure she does.
I hope it is alright to carry on with this while she is probably at work.I dont think she will mind.She put up with an awful lot,after all the stuff myself included, said yesterday.

Sponge- this is the person I was mentioning. Rather than paying out for a dating site, someone might buy you a session with Jo!

www.datingcoaches.co.uk/

amillionyear- agreed- and I have looked at her profile and it's loads better.

The men looked at your old profile and thought Sex. They either got it on the first date, so no point in a second. Or didn't get it in the first date, so no point with the second.

Great advice on here. Esp regarding your differentness. On pof, partying and reality tv are far from making you stand out from the crowd. Either same profile on a higher end site, or higher end profile on the same free sites.

One thing I did think of, and perhaps this is just me, is that on a free site, anyone can see your profile and picture, including your work colleagues, friends, random people on MN!

I would personally pay to stop any old person viewing my search for a man, this is why I would go with an agency where they vet people's professions, bank accounts, identity and only allow other members (a small limited circle) to see your details.

Otherwise there's a great big advert of yourself up on this site!

Or does no-one else worry about this?