How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

[hatesponge]

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

Have you tried speed dating? I've always thought that looked fun!

thanks watch :)

I am a lawyer, if I was going to lie about the job I do I'd make it something exciting! But I really don't have much spare cash as I'm preparing to buy my Ex out of our house (which is likely to cost £50-100k). I don't buy lunch or coffee at work such is my budget.

I won't sign up to Match again as it was poor last time. I've looked on soulmates again tonight and still couldn't see anyone I'd want to message, so prob not worth my cash! I mentioned mysinglefriend earlier, and my BF will probably pay for a month's membership for me as a birthday present.

But of course then it's the pressure as the days tick down etc.

I was going to go to a singles event last month which included speed dating but ditched it to go on a date. The same company do a monthly one, I can't go to this months but might give the next one a try, I do prefer meeting people face to face than over the net.

Sponge...all I can say is I dont think there is any chance for me if you cant find someone, you are pretty and clever and a party animal!! I agree with PooPooInMyToes about singles/speed dating. What about dinner parties for single professionals and just going every couple of months to cut down on the cost.

Hatesponge - wading in here - posted a thread here earlier How to Win at Online Dating which you might want to check out. I promise this thread was not aimed at anyone personally, think Sam wondered if it was in response to this thread but it wasn't - just found it! :) But having found true love OD (as have 3 friends) I wanted to offer advice as there are so many people seem to struggle with the ups and downs. Please feel free to take it or leave it.

I really am well-intentioned with this, having made a variety of stupid mistakes over a period of five months. I'd also previously ODed and had several OD relationships (one 4 months, one 9 months) before my ex who I met through friends (2 years). Then went back to OD in earnest and met DH. So you might find it useful - and if not good luck! x

I also tried Speed Dating which was good fun and did date a guy from it for a month. But to be honest it is the most random way in the world to meet a guy - we had more joy in the bar after the event was over :) Also went with a friend who didn't get any 'matches' and she found it soul-destroying. In fairness she rejected the guy I dated because he was wearing a jumper and trainers. I mention this 'rejecting guys over trivial stuff' on the OD thread.

Watch I know you are well intentioned ( and you know Songe in RL?) but your posts are negative here. You take the line that Sponge's previous profiles elicited the same results- well maybe her previous profiles were full of the same kind of, or even a different kind , of mis-selling herself?

Just looking at how hard it's been to convince her to make some changes this time round, I am tempted to tink that her previous profiles might have needed some input as well...........

If you find the cost of internet sites too expensive, then keep off them- and maybe focus on reallife situatiions where you can meet lots of people- not just men.

OnlineDating queen I hadnt seen your thread but have read it. I have to say I'm already doing some of it - I don't waste ages on emails etc. I do only have time at weekends (but tbh so do most men who I date). In terms of numbers - I reply to only a few of the initial messages I get, maybe 10%. Of those, I probably lose half because they disappear before dating stage, or they turn out to be weird etc, so it ends up with maybe a date every couple of weeks or so.

MrsSam, I'm surprised you think it's been hard to persuade me to change my profile. I have actually taken on board the comments made, and already made changes to it. The only thing I'm not prepared to do is take outdoorsy photos of myself (not me) or change my make up (ditto). But I am prepared to take advice on other areas, and I have acted on it.

Well, a couple of tips then:

1. Make time midweek for a coffee if possible - I used to pick a Wed or Thurs night, meet from roughly 8-9, home by 10.

1. If you don't like the messages / men you are getting (ie you are only responding to 10%) you need to take a brutal look at your profile. I mention on the other thread that my friend complained that I got 'better men' than her emailing (believe me, I am joe average, not some stunner :o). When I re-wrote her profile and took a couple of nice pics she got completely different guys, including a couple I had dated! There was obviously something in the profile they were going for. Unfortunately she couldn't stick with the dating which is the absolute key if you are serious about meeting someone OD for serious relationship.

Good luck! :) x

Sponge, I have just read this and agree with others, try a different site. I can remember letting a date down gently by saying he would fit in better on Guardian Soulmates, but I really meant it. You are a professional, intelligent, attractive woman and POF can be a bit rough, ime.

Or alternatively, knock it on the head for a few months, if it's getting you down. Go out more with friends where to focus isn't on finding a date.

I could do the occasional weeknight - subject obviously to the date being able to make it then, most tend to want to see me on a Friday or Sat. My DC are old enough I can just about leave them at home for a couple of hours in the evening.

Re profile, I put a link to mine earlier in the thread. I've changed it following some advice on here, if you can find the link feel free to have a look. I've already had so many comments it's water off a duck's back now!

Mrssamcam, your advice is good, I know someone who used Drawing down the moon, and got married. Ok, cost over a thousand pounds which may be more than the OP can afford at this time point, this was a few years ago so I don't know how much it is now. I also know someone who used it and didn't meet anyone, so it's not a magic cure, but I'd go that route myself if I were single.

OP, I just think if you stick with what you are doing, you will get what you have been getting.

I don't get really why you don't want to look for a more educated man, ok, you don't want to exclude anyone, but surely there aren't many extremely clever but very uneducated men hanging around on PofF looking for a longterm relationship with lawyer, to put not too fine a point on it. If you want to find someone who is your intellectual equal, why not look in places that your intellectual equals might hang out (e.g. people who do interesting or different or professional jobs)?

I actually can't believe anyone would tick 'dating' over 'relationships' in the boxes and post a picture of themselves partying, use the word 'fun' in their text and then wonder why all the men that turn up are looking for a 'fun night' and not much more.

I don't take the point that all the men on the pay sites are on the free ones, that may be true, but there are bound to be men on the pay sites who are also fed up with the type of girls they are meeting and looking for a more discerning person who wants a long term relationship. Paying is one way of slightly filtering out how committed someone is, although not a very reliable one.

Good idea to meet midweek. I found Thursday night after work or even for a lunchtime coffee. Limit the first meeting to a couple of hours at the most. I think meeting on a Fri and Sat night not such a good idea, best leave this for a second date.

Hatesponge, I haven't got experience of dating (married my first boyfriend) and I wouldn't describe myself as very attractive. In fact, I'm amazed I'm married because I couldn't even bring myself to flirt with my now DH because I was so low in self-esteem.

That said, I have to say that you're incredibly self-assured in your tone. You come across as being so sure you're an among find, that you're certain something's gone wrong, rather than reflecting on your own message.

Your pictures are very provocative, IMO. Not at all indicative of someone who wants to take things slowly. You talk of having the cold side of the pillow, so are referencing bed, you even have a picture which almost invites a man to guess your bra size.

Sometimes you need to leave a bit of space for someone to think you are great.If you already think you are completely amazing, what hope has a man with an average self-esteem got?

Very brave to post your profile! You come across as more party/into reality TV than someone who would like to have an interesting chat on it I would say and there's nothing on there to encourage a more shy, intelligent man to contact you so I think first of all you are limiting your pool to those who are up for a party or chancers.

I would definitely remove all reference to unpredictable and try to put more about who you would get on with.

However, what is happening on the dates seems important too if you are never getting a 2nd date. I met an awful lot of chancers and shaggers on net dating but certainly got 2nd dates too. No 2nd dates in 4 years must mean that you are putting up barriers somehow without realising it. To me, that really heavy eye make up in the red dress photo (which honestly rarely looks good on women past their 20s I'd say) already puts up a barrier between you and others as aren't eyes literally the window to the soul as has been said.

This might sound strange but do you think there is any way you could covertly record your chat on a date and then listen over it yourself and see how it comes across or get a very trusted friend to do so with you?

Agree Adam - weekend nights meant 2nd or 3rd date for me - a 'proper date' IYSWIM :)

And OP if you want to post link to profile I will have a nosey and tell you any 'red flags' I spot - just personal opinion obviously.

I cant do lunchtime dates, as I rarely get a lunchbreak (and if I do it's 10 minutes). Midweek it would literally be an hour/hour and half tops in the evening, once I've got home, gone back out etc. It is doable just about.

Mumsy I'm not interested in meeting a fellow lawyer (most are boring twats tbh) or some other sort of office monkey. Men who spend all day sat behind desks do nothing for me tbh. I like a clever man, but status and job doesn't interest me. I'm not sure where those type of people hang out particularly though?

Re the boxes, the options on POF are dating or long term. I've put dating (there is another box in which I've put I'm seeking a relationship) Most people tick dating rather than longterm. I have been 'hit up' by plenty of men with longterm on their profiles who are actually just looking for a shag, so it's pretty meaningless most of the time.

Think you're massively brave to post profile and ask for opinions.

Sorry to add to the chorus about the pictures, but I think the one in the red dress is really unflattering. And the cleavage shot just makes it look like you're after one thing. Ask a friend to take some better pictures of you and I'd also rewrite the profile to make you sound a little more er substantial and witty in the right way. Internet dating is hard though, so sympathy.

An hour midweek is perfect OP - if they're not right you're not wasting time, if they are right then you both leave wanting more :)

Lougle, for me to think I'm great is not without effort. My major relationship was with a physically and emotionally abusive man who spent years telling me how fat, ugly and unattractive I was, that I was repulsive, a nothing, how no man would ever want me.

It is only my self belief that got me through, the fact I knew innately he was wrong and I wasn't what he said. I'm not going to apologise for feeling good about myself.

online if you see my post at 19.24 theres a link to my profile there...

I'm not asking you to apologise! I'm just saying that you come across as so pleased with yourself that there's no room for anyone else...

I don't mean meet a fellow lawyer, when I was dating, I met men who were creative, like actors or artists though they can be a pain in the arse. I think you are being a bit silly to rule out anyone who works in an office full stop, plenty of creatives sit behind a desk all day. My husband is a geeky type, but fantastically handsome, so it's not an either/or situation:)

I'm not totally ruling out men who do desk jobs (if I got a message from someone and it said he worked in an office I wouldn't delete him solely for that reason) but it's not particularly something I want. I haven't been on even one date with someone in a desk job since I was a trainee.

I looked at your Profile from earlier link and thought wow, is this party girl with the tits out and the provocative name the same lady writing the posts on the thread? Your profile screamed I want sex!! Change the pics, name, ref to sex and you might have better luck meeting someone genuine.